Harry was stunned. He had just discovered that his father was not, in fact, James Potter, but Rubeus Hagrid, half giant, and keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts.

He was full of questions, but it took him a while to voice them.

'But.,. How come I'm not huge if I'm ¼ giant?'

'Well that's another long story.'

'Short version?'

'Well, your mother was in fact half midget. Have you never wondered why she was so short?'

'Then how come Aunt Petunia isn't so short?'

'Because your grandmother Edith had a whirlwind affair with a midget, I forget his name.'

'You like saying that don't you?'

'Yes. Whirlwind. Whirlwind. Whirly whirly whirlwind. Anyway, your giant heritage also brought itself out in your preposterously large feet.'

'So where did my midget heritage show itself?'

'Um.,. In another [shifty eyes] area. Moving on, altogether your half midget and half giant father added up to a normal size boy, except for two, er, things.'

Harry glanced down briefly before replying.

'And how come I look so much like James Potter?'

'Well, to hide the fact of your parentage from the world, Lily had some of James Potter's genes transplanted into you, while you were a foetus.'

'Weird. So why are you telling me this now?'

'Because, Harry, your father, Hagrid, is in teeerrrrrrriiiibbbbblllllleeee ddaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnngggggggeeeeeeeeerrrr!!!!!! And only you can save him.'

'Wait a minute! That means that my name is Harry Hagrid! That rhymes! No wait! It's a- a - al- alcatraz, no, albermon, no, erm.,.'

Dumbledore soon grew tired of this. 'Alliteration! Anyway, it is of no consequence. You have to go and save Hagrid! With Ron. And Hermione if she'll come.'

'How come I have to take them?'

'Because you're useless without them. Do you really think you would still be alive without that pair? Gosh Harry you *are* naïve. Hermione is the only one who has any brains, and Ron, well, he plays a damn good game of chess! And he's loyal. Like a dog.'

'So you're saying, I need to go, and rescue, my father, who is Hagrid.'

'By George I think he's got it!'

* * * * *

So Harry Ron and Hermione set off on their arduous quest. The only problem was that they had no idea where to start. But Harry had an idea of where to find an idea of where to start. Sirius Black. For some reason, just to be convenient, he happened to be staying at the Three Broomsticks at that time, having cast a spell over himself, so that no one would recognise him. So that's where they went first.

They soon arrived at the Three Broomsticks at which point they hit their first [the first of many] snag. They couldn't recognise him.

'Sirius! Sirius Black!' called out Harry upon entering the tavern. Fortunately, the only person who happened to be in the room, at the time, was a man with long blonde hair and enormous dark glasses. He walked with a limp, and wore a rather unusual assortment of clothes.

'Shut up!' hissed the man. 'It's me, Sirius. But call me Chive.'

'Why?'

'Because that's what I've told them my name is.'

'Why?'

'I don't know. It's my favourite herb. I panicked ok?'

'Ok then. Let's sit down.'

They all ordered butter beers, except, of course, for Chive, who ordered Peach Schnapps.

'So what is it that you want to know?'

Harry had forgotten, so Hermione stepped in. Ron was strangely quiet. He seemed to be watching something.

'As you know,' said Hermione, 'Hagrid has run away to sea, to become a pirate, and he's in teeerrrrrrriiiibbbbblllllleeee ddaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnngggggggeeeeeeeeerrrr!!!!!! We need to know more.'

'Well, you may not know this about me, but I also used to be a pirate, in between my Hogwarts years, and that time when I was a good friend of your parents and all that crap. Well actually one of them wasn't really you parent, but anyway, I'm rambling.'

Harry gasped. 'You knew that? I thought it was a closely guarded secret!'

'Oh God no. The only person who didn't know was James. None too bright you see. Anyway, I happen to know that Hagrid used his last savings to buy a boat called 'The Hairy Snail', and a crew. I'm afraid that's all I know, but, I can tell you the name of a man who knows pretty much everything that goes on in the world of pirates. His name is Jack Sparrow.[ *Gasp!* BUM BUM BUUUUM! But don't worry, this won't be a really big cross over, he's just convenient.] you can find him at the 'Smelly Smelson' in London.'

'Thank you very much Chive,' said Hermione. 'That's really helpful of you.'

'Bye Sirius!' said Harry, in an unusually loud voice.