Disclaimer - The characters and premise of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
belong to the show's producers and writers etc, and the actors who portray
them. I'm just borrowing them for my own, non money making, purposes. Any
song lyrics used in my story belong to the writer/ artist not to me.
A/N: This chapter contains the lyrics to the song "Let Goodbye Hurt" by Suzy Bogguss.
Chapter One - Let Goodbye Hurt
~It sure looks like this love is winding down
~You changed your mind about me and what you thought you'd found
It's all changed. At first we were happy, we were in love. So in love. It sounds clichéd, but we were inseparable. It was like our lives had been leading up to the moment that we admitted our feelings. That anything we had ever been through, everything life had brought us or thrown at us, was to prepare us for this. For our love for each other. At least, that's how I felt.
Every day I recall the first time we kissed. I still feel his hand on my cheek, stroking it gently. I still see his eyes looking into mine. My breath still catches each and every time when I see the love they contain. It's a memory that has brought tears of happiness to my eyes every day for the last five months, three weeks and four days. A memory I never thought would bring tears of sadness. But it did today.
~Funny how it works that way, but I just couldn't see
~Any sign that you were pulling out on me
It's hard to believe, but I swear it's true, yesterday things seemed fine. I had no idea this was coming. In hindsight the clues were there. There's always a clue. Recalling his words makes me smile, then I remember, I'm thumped in the face by reality. Actually, it feels more like I've been thumped in the chest. In my heart. And I was hit so hard it broke it. No, that's not right either. It broke this morning. Now it is just being shattered into smaller pieces each time I think about him.
I went to his office when my case was tied up. I stood in the doorway watching him concentrate on his paperwork, a hobby I have grown quite fond of. He looked up, but instead of his usual smile, there was no smile. He didn't look even slightly pleased to see me. He glanced at me, returned his gaze to his papers and said:
"Hey!"
Already I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes, and a lump forming in my throat. I guess that shows I had seen the signs. You don't react to that extreme the first time your boyfriend doesn't look thrilled to see you. I suppose I'd just ignored them. If I didn't admit to seeing them, then they weren't there. A childish notion, but brought about by fear. Fear of suffering the pain I now feel. Fear of this feeling of emptiness, of knowing that I've lost everything. Six months ago I had a friend. A good friend. A best friend. Now I have nothing.
I responded with a 'hey' that I had to force past the rapidly growing lump, as I sat down opposite him, needing to support my body before it gave way beneath me.
"You -" I began, pausing to moisten my suddenly dry mouth, " - asked me to come see you."
He froze. He was still looking at his paperwork, but he wasn't reading it. I could tell he was thinking. And I knew what about.
"Gil, just say it." I took a deep breath and mustered as much courage as I could. I had to retain some dignity in this. If he was going to end it, I wasn't going to look like a lovesick fool. I wasn't going to beg. If he made that choice, that was it.
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real
~I'm better off knowing that you'll be gone for good
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should
He looked up at me. Sadness filled his normally glowing eyes. He didn't need to say anything. I stood up and swooped round the chair for the door.
"Catherine!" he stood and followed me. You've got to give him that, he didn't want to hurt me. I guess he just had to.
"Your eyes have always told me everything I needed to know," I managed, barely keeping the tears at bay. I turned away from him and took the door handle, and I was about to leave when I decided I needed to know. Maybe it'd make it easier to deal with.
"Why?"
He hesitated for a second, but my glare seemed to tell him that he owed me this much.
"I've been offered a job. In LA."
"And you want to take it?"
He just nodded.
"And you thought I wouldn't let you? That I would try to make you stay?" Anger laced my words. It didn't make sense, surely he knows that I wouldn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do.
He hesitated again. He knew his words would hurt, and it hurt more that he cared enough to not want to say them.
"Gil. you can't hurt me much more than you already have."
This hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. And a part of me felt that he deserved it.
~One side of love doesn't get you anywhere
~There's nothing worse than loving someone who's just not there
"I want to take the job, Cath."
"I got that much, Gil," I shouted, unable to contain my anger any longer.
"I shouldn't want to take it!" he shouted back. I'm not sure how much of his anger was directed at me, and how much was directed at himself. "If I was happy, I wouldn't want to take it. So, I figure, I can't be happy."
As my pain reached a new level, I realised I was wrong. He could hurt me much more than he already had.
~I know you searched for something here, can't say you didn't try
~But feelings such as these don't just fall out of the sky
"I thought we were destined to be together, Cath, but I guess there was something missing. Probably from me. I've never been good with people."
A variation on the "it's not you, it's me" line. Seemed I was very wrong.
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real
~I'm better off knowing that you'll be gone for good
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should
So, here I am. Alone. Hurting more than I ever thought possible. And crying over things that yesterday made me happy.
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real
And then there's a knock at the door. I freeze. I know that it's him. But I don't know what to do. I want to see him. Oh, I want to see him so badly. But at the same time, I don't want to see him. I can't face him.
"Catherine! I know you're in there!"
He's at the window now. The curtains are drawn, he can't see me. But, it's like he says, he knows I'm in here. But if I stay here he might give up. And maybe he'll go away.
"I'm not gonna leave til you've let me in."
Or maybe he won't.
"Catherine! I'm sorry! Please come to the door!"
He sounds genuinely sorry. The tears are back, my soul aches for him, it's telling me to go to him. But my broken heart is telling me to hide. It reminds me that it can't take anymore.
I scream with frustration and break down in tears on the floor.
"Catherine?!"
He obviously heard the scream, there's concern in his voice now.
"Catherine! Let me in!"
He's banging on the window, but I still can't move.
"Catherine! I'm sorry! I love you! Let me in!"
My heart skips a beat when he says that he loves me. All day I've been longing to hear those words. But I'm still crying, and for some reason, I'm still not moving.
"Catherine! I have something to ask you, and I hadn't planned to do it through a window! Please open the door."
This seems to work. I freeze again. This time my soul and my heart agree that I should see him. I stand up slowly and straighten my clothing. Looking in the mirror above the fireplace I decide it's pointless to even try sorting my face out.
"Catherine! Please!"
I run a brush through my hair. I need to look like I haven't completely fallen apart without him.
"Catherine! I want to ask you to marry me!"
My head shoots round to the window. I must have misheard him.
"Marry me, Catherine? I love you so much."
He doesn't notice me until I am standing on the porch watching him leaning against the window. He runs towards me and takes my face in his hands, wiping away the tear stains from my cheeks.
"I'm so sorry! I really am! I must have lost control of my senses! I love you so much! I am really sorry! I love you! I don't want us to be apart! Ever! I don't know what I was thinking. But now I know exactly what I want! I want you!"
He drops down to one knee, never taking his hands away from my body, only to take a small box from his pocket and open it. It houses a perfect gold ring, with a beautiful diamond. My breath shakes as I look at it.
"Catherine Willows, will you marry me?"
I look into his eyes, they're so full of love and hope, and as a new set of tears stream down my face, I shake my head.
~I'm better off knowing now that you'll be gone for good
"It's too late," I tremble, "I can't. it's too late!"
I fly back into the house and collapse behind the door. My entire body shakes with each sob that escapes. Tears pour onto the floor beneath my head. And what hurts me the most is that I'm crying because I know this was the right thing to do.
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should
TBC.
A/N: This chapter contains the lyrics to the song "Let Goodbye Hurt" by Suzy Bogguss.
Chapter One - Let Goodbye Hurt
~It sure looks like this love is winding down
~You changed your mind about me and what you thought you'd found
It's all changed. At first we were happy, we were in love. So in love. It sounds clichéd, but we were inseparable. It was like our lives had been leading up to the moment that we admitted our feelings. That anything we had ever been through, everything life had brought us or thrown at us, was to prepare us for this. For our love for each other. At least, that's how I felt.
Every day I recall the first time we kissed. I still feel his hand on my cheek, stroking it gently. I still see his eyes looking into mine. My breath still catches each and every time when I see the love they contain. It's a memory that has brought tears of happiness to my eyes every day for the last five months, three weeks and four days. A memory I never thought would bring tears of sadness. But it did today.
~Funny how it works that way, but I just couldn't see
~Any sign that you were pulling out on me
It's hard to believe, but I swear it's true, yesterday things seemed fine. I had no idea this was coming. In hindsight the clues were there. There's always a clue. Recalling his words makes me smile, then I remember, I'm thumped in the face by reality. Actually, it feels more like I've been thumped in the chest. In my heart. And I was hit so hard it broke it. No, that's not right either. It broke this morning. Now it is just being shattered into smaller pieces each time I think about him.
I went to his office when my case was tied up. I stood in the doorway watching him concentrate on his paperwork, a hobby I have grown quite fond of. He looked up, but instead of his usual smile, there was no smile. He didn't look even slightly pleased to see me. He glanced at me, returned his gaze to his papers and said:
"Hey!"
Already I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes, and a lump forming in my throat. I guess that shows I had seen the signs. You don't react to that extreme the first time your boyfriend doesn't look thrilled to see you. I suppose I'd just ignored them. If I didn't admit to seeing them, then they weren't there. A childish notion, but brought about by fear. Fear of suffering the pain I now feel. Fear of this feeling of emptiness, of knowing that I've lost everything. Six months ago I had a friend. A good friend. A best friend. Now I have nothing.
I responded with a 'hey' that I had to force past the rapidly growing lump, as I sat down opposite him, needing to support my body before it gave way beneath me.
"You -" I began, pausing to moisten my suddenly dry mouth, " - asked me to come see you."
He froze. He was still looking at his paperwork, but he wasn't reading it. I could tell he was thinking. And I knew what about.
"Gil, just say it." I took a deep breath and mustered as much courage as I could. I had to retain some dignity in this. If he was going to end it, I wasn't going to look like a lovesick fool. I wasn't going to beg. If he made that choice, that was it.
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real
~I'm better off knowing that you'll be gone for good
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should
He looked up at me. Sadness filled his normally glowing eyes. He didn't need to say anything. I stood up and swooped round the chair for the door.
"Catherine!" he stood and followed me. You've got to give him that, he didn't want to hurt me. I guess he just had to.
"Your eyes have always told me everything I needed to know," I managed, barely keeping the tears at bay. I turned away from him and took the door handle, and I was about to leave when I decided I needed to know. Maybe it'd make it easier to deal with.
"Why?"
He hesitated for a second, but my glare seemed to tell him that he owed me this much.
"I've been offered a job. In LA."
"And you want to take it?"
He just nodded.
"And you thought I wouldn't let you? That I would try to make you stay?" Anger laced my words. It didn't make sense, surely he knows that I wouldn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do.
He hesitated again. He knew his words would hurt, and it hurt more that he cared enough to not want to say them.
"Gil. you can't hurt me much more than you already have."
This hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. And a part of me felt that he deserved it.
~One side of love doesn't get you anywhere
~There's nothing worse than loving someone who's just not there
"I want to take the job, Cath."
"I got that much, Gil," I shouted, unable to contain my anger any longer.
"I shouldn't want to take it!" he shouted back. I'm not sure how much of his anger was directed at me, and how much was directed at himself. "If I was happy, I wouldn't want to take it. So, I figure, I can't be happy."
As my pain reached a new level, I realised I was wrong. He could hurt me much more than he already had.
~I know you searched for something here, can't say you didn't try
~But feelings such as these don't just fall out of the sky
"I thought we were destined to be together, Cath, but I guess there was something missing. Probably from me. I've never been good with people."
A variation on the "it's not you, it's me" line. Seemed I was very wrong.
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real
~I'm better off knowing that you'll be gone for good
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should
So, here I am. Alone. Hurting more than I ever thought possible. And crying over things that yesterday made me happy.
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real
And then there's a knock at the door. I freeze. I know that it's him. But I don't know what to do. I want to see him. Oh, I want to see him so badly. But at the same time, I don't want to see him. I can't face him.
"Catherine! I know you're in there!"
He's at the window now. The curtains are drawn, he can't see me. But, it's like he says, he knows I'm in here. But if I stay here he might give up. And maybe he'll go away.
"I'm not gonna leave til you've let me in."
Or maybe he won't.
"Catherine! I'm sorry! Please come to the door!"
He sounds genuinely sorry. The tears are back, my soul aches for him, it's telling me to go to him. But my broken heart is telling me to hide. It reminds me that it can't take anymore.
I scream with frustration and break down in tears on the floor.
"Catherine?!"
He obviously heard the scream, there's concern in his voice now.
"Catherine! Let me in!"
He's banging on the window, but I still can't move.
"Catherine! I'm sorry! I love you! Let me in!"
My heart skips a beat when he says that he loves me. All day I've been longing to hear those words. But I'm still crying, and for some reason, I'm still not moving.
"Catherine! I have something to ask you, and I hadn't planned to do it through a window! Please open the door."
This seems to work. I freeze again. This time my soul and my heart agree that I should see him. I stand up slowly and straighten my clothing. Looking in the mirror above the fireplace I decide it's pointless to even try sorting my face out.
"Catherine! Please!"
I run a brush through my hair. I need to look like I haven't completely fallen apart without him.
"Catherine! I want to ask you to marry me!"
My head shoots round to the window. I must have misheard him.
"Marry me, Catherine? I love you so much."
He doesn't notice me until I am standing on the porch watching him leaning against the window. He runs towards me and takes my face in his hands, wiping away the tear stains from my cheeks.
"I'm so sorry! I really am! I must have lost control of my senses! I love you so much! I am really sorry! I love you! I don't want us to be apart! Ever! I don't know what I was thinking. But now I know exactly what I want! I want you!"
He drops down to one knee, never taking his hands away from my body, only to take a small box from his pocket and open it. It houses a perfect gold ring, with a beautiful diamond. My breath shakes as I look at it.
"Catherine Willows, will you marry me?"
I look into his eyes, they're so full of love and hope, and as a new set of tears stream down my face, I shake my head.
~I'm better off knowing now that you'll be gone for good
"It's too late," I tremble, "I can't. it's too late!"
I fly back into the house and collapse behind the door. My entire body shakes with each sob that escapes. Tears pour onto the floor beneath my head. And what hurts me the most is that I'm crying because I know this was the right thing to do.
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should
TBC.