Part XVI -- Ogres
Luke stared blankly at the latest obstacle to cross their paths, unsure of its origins or a way to surmount it. It stretched both ways and deep into the jungle on either side, so sidetracking to get around it would put them a good distance out of the way and into untold danger. And it was taller than Vader, with a smooth surface almost like plasteel, and lacking handholds of any kind, so going over was out. They had to get past it to cross the Ogre-fen Ogre-fen, but how?
"Metria, what's this?" he asked.
"Hmph," she grunted, inspecting it. "Chain letter. Biggest one I've ever seen."
"Each of these symbols are letters," Jenny explained. "And they're magically connected so they can't come apart."
"I recognize this one and this one," Wara mused, touching a number 8 and a letter Y, "but what sort of letter is this?" She pointed to a very artistic-looking symbol.
"Mundanian," Chang replied. "Oriental of some sort -- I'd say Chinese calligraphy. I'm well-versed in Mundanian anthropology."
"Whatever that means," Metria replied. "What's this one?"
Chang looked stumped, if that was possible for a centaur. "I don't know."
"That's Aurebesh," Luke replied. "Our written language."
Vader studied the chain of letters. "Can it be destroyed?"
"It can," Jenny said warily. "But it's supposed to be bad luck to break the chain."
"Pah, that's supernova," Metria snorted.
"That's what?" asked Luke.
"Cosmic calamity, stellar implosion, old wive's tale, folklore..."
"Superstition," Chang corrected.
"Whatever."
"Metria's correct," Chang replied. "There is no evidence to prove that breaking the chain brings misfortune on the breaker..."
"Not true!" Wara protested. "My unicorn uncle broke a chain, and the next day he was eaten by a tangle tree!"
"Nonsense," Vader replied, igniting his lightsaber. "People believe what they want to believe. If they believe breaking the chain of letters will bring misfortune, they will attribute any misfortune to the broken chain. I, on the other hand, side with Metria and Chang on the matter."
"But this is Xanth," Luke reminded him. "Things work differently here. Giving us bad luck could be the chain's natural defense against injury..."
"I'll take the chance," Vader snapped, and he plunged the lightsaber hilt-deep into a giant letter X. There was a stench like melting plastic, then the symbol collapsed on itself, melting into a gooey black mess in the grass. Vader stepped over the tarry puddle and motioned for the others to follow.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Jenny said worriedly.
They pressed on. Before long they began seeing signs of ogre activity -- trees broken off halfway up their trunks, yanked up by their roots, or twisted into knots; stones crumbled like day-old bread or with bites taken out of them; footprints the size of landspeeders; and loud crashing and howling sounds in the distance.
"Be quiet," Metria advised. "Ogres are stupid -- and proud of it -- but they have very good hearing. And they eat anything that moves."
"And some things that don't," added Jenny.
"Could they have sided with Darius?" Luke whispered.
"There are one or two half-ogres in his army," Wara replied quietly. "But Darius would never recruit a purebred of any species. He considers them prideful and weak."
Darius was a hypocrite, Luke decided. He hated the fact that he was a crossbreed, yet he discriminated against pure-bloods more than they discriminated against him. He preached the ideals of utopia, but didn't practice them. He'd never compared Emperor Palpatine to the magician before, but now he realized the two shared a lot of similarities.
Chang halted, and Luke, engrossed in his thoughts, ran smack into the centaur's equine posterior and landed hard on his tailbone. He yelped in surprise.
"Sshhh!" hissed Metria.
"I wasn't meaning to..." Luke protested.
Vader clamped a gloved hand over Luke's mouth. "Quiet, Luke." He nodded forward.
Ahead of them gathered four of the biggest, ugliest men Luke had ever seen. Not just homely ugly, but stomach-turningly ugly. Tusk-like teeth jutted from their rubbery lips, their eyes bulged, and dark hair covered their faces and arms. They were seated in a circle, crunching on a meal of freshly killed dragon. One of them grunted something, and the rest burst into roaring laughter.
"We can sneak around them," Luke suggested.
"Not likely," Metria replied, pointing. One ogre's rump was planted directly on the path.
"Should we sidestep the path?" asked Wara.
"Not a good idea," Chang replied softly. "The path on that side is bordered by cobra lilies. Their bite will kill you in minutes."
"Can we simply kill the ogres?" asked Vader.
Jenny stared at him incredulously. "I don't doubt that you're good in a fight, Lord Vader, but one ogre by himself is a match for the biggest dragon. And there are four here. It's my duty as a Companion to protect you, so I'm strongly advising you don't go out there and try to fight them."
"Yes, but we have an advantage over these ogres," Vader pointed out, tapping the side of his helmet. "We're intelligent."
One ogre set his hank of dragon meat on the ground and stretched leisurely. The sound of his joints popping into place sounded like a massive sheet of buckling metal.
Luke motioned to the others. "I've got a plan. Chang, does cobra lily venom affect ogres?"
"Not as much as it affects us, seeing as they're bigger," Chang replied. "I believe it will make them sleepy for a few hours..."
"Good enough. Here's what we'll do."
Once he'd finished outlining his plan, Metria reacted. "You're crazy!"
"Look who's talking," Vader retorted.
"It'll never work!" Metria insisted.
"Do you have any suggestions?" demanded Chang.
Metria grumbled a few words that made the ground smoke but subsided.
"Good," Luke replied. "To your stations."
Wara, Metria, Jenny, and Sammy remained behind while Vader, Luke, and Chang slipped through the undergrowth to the nearest patch of cobra lilies. Chang removed his quiver of arrows and let his comrades withdraw a few arrows. Luke extended one toward the patch, point first, ensuring his arm was out of reach of the serpentine plants.
The plant-creature hissed threateningly, spreading its petals into a hood shape. He jabbed at the plant, and it struck, its glistening thorn-fangs scraping against the metal head of the arrow. The cobra lily's venom shone wetly on the arrowhead. Perfect.
One by one they treated each of Chang's arrows, until they had gone through the entire quiver. Hopefully the poison would keep its power after it had dried. Vader lifted his hand toward the girls, their signal to act.
Jenny, Wara, and Metria stepped into view, innocent expressions on their faces as if they were merely ignorant travelers.
"Eeeeeek!" shouted Jenny in mock terror. "Ogres!"
One ogre perked up at the scream and turned to face Jenny. Blood and spit ran down his chin as he grinned eagerly. "See she!" he bellowed.
"Me see!" another demanded, shoving him out of the way.
"More lunch!" a third ogre declared. "Oh crunch!" He stood and pounded forward, a hungry gleam in his eye.
"Do they always speak in rhyme?" asked Vader quietly.
"When they can help it," Chang replied, taking careful aim. "It's their nature." As the ogre stepped past the mens' hiding place, he fired. The arrow buried itself in his thigh and stuck there.
The huge being stopped in mid-stride as the cobra venom took affect. He smiled dreamily. His eyes drooped shut as he tottered precariously on his feet, then he hit the jungle floor with a resounding BOOM that nearly knocked the three men off their feet. The ogre's contented snore ripped through the jungle like the screams of a rancor with indigestion.
"Wake up!" a second ogre demanded, stomping toward the fallen beast. "We sup!"
Chang loosed another arrow, and the second ogre fell like some ancient tree. The third ogre went to wake his comrades and was similarly sent to the dream realm. The forest seemed to tremble with their deafening snores.
The fourth ogre, though by no means an intelligent specimen of his kind, realized something was amiss. He looked into the bushes and spotted the three men.
"Me see three he!" he thundered.
"Oh Sith!" swore Luke.
Chang launched an arrow, but in his haste the shot went wide, striking a triginome-tree and causing its triangular leaves to wilt. Before he could ready another arrow, the ogre scooped him up in one enormous hand.
"Chang!" Wara shrieked, her terror unfeigned.
Vader burst from their hiding place, saber ignited, and drove it home into the ogre's foot. At the same time Wara, in unicorn form, charged and gored the giant creature's ankle. It took a few seconds for the pain to work its way up the ogre's lengthly nervous system and into his brain, but when it registered, his ear-splitting scream seemed to split the heavens. Reflexively he kicked with the injured limb, and Vader and Wara went flying. They landed quite roughly a few dozen meters away and did not immediately get up.
Luke would have gone to their aid, but he had problems of his own. For the ogre's howl of agony had just attracted more of his kind.
Metria grew a dozen times her normal height in an instant as she assumed ogress form. With a booming laugh she charged the advancing ogres, and the punches and kicks flew. But there were too many for even Metria to keep occupied.
Jenny was paralyzed by fright. Luke ran to her and grabbed her arm, hauling her forcibly away from the melee. Just their luck, though, an ogre saw them go and tromped after them.
"Wara and Lord Vader!" cried Jenny. "They could be hurt!"
"We can't help them now," Luke told her, pointing. An ogre had just scooped up the unconscious Sith and unicorn and was carrying them away.
"Oh no," she moaned. "I failed as a Companion."
"It's not your fault," Luke told her.
Something hissed angrily before them -- the cobra lilies. They could go no farther. The ogre had them cornered.
"Me got!" he bellowed. "Run not!" And he reached toward them.
Luke spotted a wilted, rotten-looking plant sprouting near the lily patch, bearing a putrid-brown bugle-shaped flower. A stinkhorn! Maybe this was their only chance of surviving. Without hesitation he brought his fist down hard on the plant.
BAROOOOOOOMPH! The plant let them have it, as it always did when disturbed. The two of them were smothered in a cloud of disgusting vapor. The cobra lilies closest to the stinkhorn shriveled and died on the spot, and the rest rasped in revulsion.
The ogre's fist closed around them and began to lift them. For a moment Luke was treated to a very unwanted close-up of the being's face. Then he got a whiff of his prey.
"Ugh! Stink!" The ogre was so disgusted he forgot to rhyme. He opened his hand and let the two of them fall as he coughed and gagged.
Oh Sithspit, this is going to hurt, was Luke's last conscious thought as the ground rushed to meet him.
***
"All right, so the stinkhorn thing was a bad idea," Luke grudgingly admitted, nursing his bruised temple.
"You think so?" Vader remarked sarcastically.
The two Players, Jenny, Chang, Wara, and Sammy sat in the darkness of the temporary prison of an overturned ogre-sized cooking pot. Thanks to Luke's failed plan, the blackness around them was liberally tainted with stinkhorn stench. In addition to various cuts and bruises, Jenny had a broken arm and Wara's knee was sprained. Vader had sustained damage to his mask from his fall, leaving him with only sixty percent of his respirator's working capacity.
"Where's Metria?" Wara asked finally.
"Who knows?" Luke muttered. "And besides, there's not a whole lot she can do."
"What lies in store for us?" Vader asked, his voice more distorted than usual.
"Nothing pleasant," Jenny replied. "We'll either be eaten right away or cooked and put away for future use."
"And that's a best-case scenario," Chang added gloomily.
Luke groaned and leaned back, his shoulders and head resting against the metal walls of their prison. He should have never started playing the game. It had only gotten himself and others into a fatal situation. But then, if he hadn't come to Xanth, he would never have encountered Vader again and had the opportunity to ask questions about his past. His life might end today, but at least he could die with some closure.
Voices could be heard from outside the cauldron. One sounded like Metria. Another was unmistakably an ogre. The third seemed to be male, but he couldn't place it. Curious, he pressed his ear to the metal wall to listen.
"Get it through your thick ugly head!" Metria was shouting. "They're not for eating! My friend here wants to meet them!"
"We eat!" the ogre protested. "Not meet!"
"This was part of our bargain," the man said. "Animals and raiding parties you can eat. But anyone else must come to us first. Is that clear?"
Luke frowned. Bargain? Was this Darius, and he had indeed made a deal with the ogres of Ogre-fen Ogre-fen? That seemed to be the gist of it.
"Clear here," the ogre grudgingly admitted.
"Good," huffed Metria. "You don't know how relieved I am that you're finally getting these annoying guys off my return."
"Your what?" the man asked.
"Reappearance, repeat, dorsal, posterior..."
"Back."
"Whatever."
"My pleasure, Miss Metria."
He couldn't believe this! Metria was betraying them! She must have been a False Companion from the start! His hand went to his blast-her. Maybe they could still take Darius out, or at least die trying...
The pot was lifted away, exposing them to the sunlight. An ogre hefted the pot onto his shoulder and walked away. Metria stood before them, looking bored. A young man on her right studied them carefully.
Luke hesitated, confused. This didn't look like Wara's description of Darius. In fact, he didn't look like a crossbreed at all. He was simply a human, around Jenny's age with brown hair and eyes and a tan complexion. Beside him was a slender woman close to Luke's age, very fair with blonde hair and dark blue eyes.
"Why do I have to keep saving you all?" demanded Metria. "Took me ages to find these two so I could get rid of those annoying ogres and keep you from being tonight's main course..."
"Then you're not False!" Luke exclaimed in relief.
"Luke!" Jenny chided. "You know she can't tell you if she is or isn't!"
The young man smiled. "I've seen weird things here, but this tops all. I'm Matt."
"I'm Tracy," the girl greeted.
"Luke Skywalker," Luke introduced.
"We know," Tracy replied. "Metria told us everything. A game, huh? There are many paths into Xanth. That must be a new one."
"You see, we're Mundane too," Matt added. "And when Metria told us the ogres had captured Mundanians, we knew we had to meet you."
"What's this about you making a deal with the ogres?" Vader inquired. Apparently Luke hadn't been the only one eavesdropping on their conversation.
"The ogres let us live in the fen as long as we don't scare away their prey," Tracy explained. "But part of the deal is that they can't pick on innocent travelers. So they bring them to us to inspect, and once we're sure they're on a worthy mission, they pass a test and go on."
"Test?" repeated Wara.
"We'll explain at our place," Matt replied. "Come with us."
Luke glanced toward the others to see if they were following. Jenny was cradling her injured arm, and Chang was lifting Wara onto his back to transport her. But it was Vader who he finally locked eyes with, and what he saw made him freeze.
The left side of Vader's mask was badly scratched and cracked, and the lens on that side had been shattered. His eye was exposed, and it pinned Luke where he stood with a piercing stare.
It's blue, he thought dumbly. Like mine.
"You're holding up traffic," Vader informed him.
"Uh... sorry." He jogged to catch up with Matt and Tracy.
Ahead of them sat a winged cabin. Matt opened the door and shouted "Uncle Gale, we have company!"
"House fly," Chang noted. "A well-built one, too."
"We bought it off an elf community," Tracy explained.
A heavyset man, somewhere in his sixties with thinning white hair and wearing a striped shirt, jeans, and suspenders, came to the door to meet them. "Well, I'll be," he marveled. "Ain't that something. Looks like you folks have seen some action. Tracy, why don't you get that bottle of healing elixir?"
She returned with a glass bottle of water, probably collected from a healing spring. Gale wet a cloth with it and wiped down Jenny's arm first, then dabbed the cloth on Luke's temple. He felt the ache there melt away, and when he touched the area the bruise was gone. Gale proceeded to treat everyone's injuries, even splashing some on Vader's mask, closing the cracks and repairing the broken lens. That elixir was quite versatile!
"So how did you come to Xanth?" asked Jenny. "Luke and Vader were brought here by a game, and we met a girl who came on a day mare..."
"My granddaughter," Gale said proudly. "Clever of her to find a way here and a way back. The three of us can't go back."
"You see, Gale's not really our uncle," Tracy explained. "We call him that because we all kind of adopted each other. We had something in common -- we all came to Xanth due to some personal tragedy."
"Sometimes that happens," Wara replied. "Sometimes something bad happens to a good person, and instead of dying that person comes to live in Xanth. But once here in Xanth, they must stay here."
Matt nodded. "My friend and I were goofing off one day. We were... playing with something we shouldn't have been. I remember this loud BANG... then I was in Xanth."
"I was in a car," said Tracy. "My boyfriend was driving. It was late, and the roads were bad. He fell asleep... and I ended up coming to Xanth."
"I was sick," said Gale. "Very sick, for a long time. My heart didn't work well anymore. One night, I simply came to Xanth in my sleep."
It took awhile for anyone to reply.
"That is unfortunate," Vader said sympathetically. "We are searching for a means out of Xanth. Perhaps you can accompany us."
Gale shook his head. "Xanth's magic keeps us alive. If we go back to Mundania, we cease to exist."
"Besides, we like it here," Tracy added. "It's a very unique place."
"Yeah," Luke replied. "Too bad we can't stay."
"Which reminds me," Chang stated. "You mentioned a test."
"Yes, well, the ogres like to do things their way," Matt explained. "And what an ogre wants, an ogre gets."
"Not going to argue with you there," Luke replied.
"So to get out of the Ogre-fen Ogre-fen, you have to impress the ogre community."
"How do we do that?" asked Wara.
"Ogres are proud of three things," Tracy said. "Their strength, their stupidity, and their bad looks. If you can prove the group of you are stupid, ugly, and strong -- more so than an ogre -- you pass the test. Otherwise, they do what they want with you."
"Metal-face wins the ugly contest," Metria piped up.
"Shut up," Luke hissed.
"This could be tricky," Vader mused. "However, with a little planning... Tracy, do you have any cosmetics?"
"Do I ever!" She ran out of the room and came out with a good-sized box. "Theatrical makeup. I was a big drama student before I came here."
When the six of them exited the house fly, they saw the cabin surrounded by ogres and ogresses, all gathered to view the intruders. Upon seeing their group they began to applaud eagerly.
For Tracy had given them the most hideous makeover ever. She had outlined the ridges and grooves of Vader's mask with white paint to highlight the bizarre features. Metria, declining makeup, has simply assumed the form of a Fury -- a wizened black-skinned crone with bat-like wings, a canine face, and snakes for hair. The others had teeth blacked out, hair standing on end, bags and wrinkles drawn in, and in general looked perfectly awful. Even Sammy was a sight, and the fact that he looked quite annoyed with his patchy brown dye job only made him look uglier.
"So," Gale said brightly, coming out of the house, "would you all say they're suitably ugly?"
"We say yes!" an ogress exclaimed. "We impress!"
"Good," Metria grumped. "Can I change back?"
"Not yet," Wara warned her.
"Not done!" a one-eyed ogre declared. "They dumb?"
Gale turned to the group. "Good question. Are you stupid?"
Luke smirked. "One of you bend over and take a sniff of us."
An ogre child, somewhat less repulsive-looking than his parents, squatted and snorted a breath through his pug nose. "Oh Dad, smell bad!"
"We hit a stinkhorn plant," Jenny told them. "On purpose. Would any of you do that?"
The ogres thought on that until their hair began to smoke with the effort -- thinking was a difficult task for an ogre.
"No way, I say," an ogre finally said.
"So we're definitely stupid, right?" Chang encouraged.
"More stupid than an ogre," Vader finished.
"We confess," an elderly ogre conceded. "We impress."
"You strong?" the ogre child asked. "Or wrong?"
Vader turned to the others. "It will be Luke and I who do this," he whispered, "but act as if you're concentrating on the task. Am I clear?"
"Perfectly," Jenny replied.
He turned to the ogres. "Who among you can lift the most weight?"
"Be me!" a burly ogre declared.
"Prove it." Vader ordered.
The ogre casually strode over to the house fly and, with no effort at all, lifted it one-handed. The glade thundered with applause. The ogre beamed a crooked-toothed grin and set the house down.
"Impressive," Vader noted. When the ogre offered him a puzzled expression, he clarified. "Very good. But can you lift the house -- without touching it?"
The glade went silent. Every ogre fixed their gaze on their group expectantly.
"Are you sure you can do this?" asked Wara nervously. "The house is so big."
"Size matters not," Luke told them.
Vader turned to look at him. "I see Yoda trained you. The best of the Jedi. Somehow I'm not surprised."
Luke closed his eyes and slipped into the Force. He touched the energy given off by the house and the ground it rested on, tested the bond between them, and focused all his strength on that connection. A rush of strength at his side indicated Vader was doing the same. With a great effort on both their parts, they lifted the cabin.
The ogres gasped, then gawked, then broke into deafening applause. The others looked surprised but kept up the charade of "levitating."
"We impress!" the burly ogre cheered as they gently set the house down. "You the best!"
Gale smiled at them. "Good job, friends. You're free to go."
"No go!" another ogre shouted.
"But they passed..." began Matt.
"Where they go, eh?" asked the burly ogre.
"Lake Eerie," said Jenny.
The ogre smiled kindly, an action that somehow made him seem less ugly. "We take to lake."
Vader bowed. "Thank you."
Three ogres volunteered for the task, and after saying goodbye to Tracy, Matt, and Gale, they departed. Each ogre carried one traveler on each shoulder. It wasn't the most luxurious ride ever, but they were grateful for the chance to rest.
The rocking motion of the ogre's strides, combined with the eventful morning, lulled Luke into a drowsy trance.
***
"Unfair!" Demon E(A/R)TH thundered, casting a fiery glare at his opponent. "I call a foul!"
"It's perfectly fair," Demon X(A/N)TH retorted. "I'm able to intervene in this bet as much as you are. And besides, the Players were never supposed to encounter the chain letter in the first place."
"They weren't supposed to face the plesiosaur, either," E(A/R)TH shot back.
"Nor were they to face a flock of harpies."
"Nor were they to face the rapids."
"Suffice it to say that you have both interfered in the gamble too many times to be justified," a third World Demon put in.
E(A/R)TH and X(A/N)TH cast contemptuous glances at Demon F(O/R)CE. They had been trying to pretend he didn't exist.
"We weren't asking you, runt," X(A/N)TH said haughtily.
"But it's my realm that's at stake here..." he began.
E(A/R)TH sneered at him before resuming his argument with X(A/N)TH. F(O/R)CE could only sigh. This constant bickering and jockeying for position between the World Demons was the very reason he had relinquished his position among the cosmic entities. He had no use for their backstabbing, status-seeking ways and endless wagering. But if he wanted to retain his creation, he had to play their game.
"Enough," Demon J(U/P)ITER ordered calmly.
The other two World Demons stopped fighting. J(U/P)ITER was the highest of all the World Demons and so officiated over all wagers.
"I have kept a careful watch over these proceedings," he went on. "And yes, an excessive amount of World Demon interference has occurred. I'm aware that the stakes are high -- F(O/R)CE's galaxy is an enviable prize -- but all this tampering with the Skywalkers' quest is inexcusable. You two are cheating outrageously in this gamble!"
X(A/N)TH and E(A/R)TH exchanged sheepish glances.
"Permission to speak freely, sir," F(O/R)CE requested.
"Granted."
"I wish for a chance to even the odds," he pleaded. "I'm aware that I am the least of the World Demons -- by my own choice -- but the lands in question are lands I crafted myself. And as you are aware, that gives me a part in this wager."
"You gave up your right to control a world long ago!" E(A/R)TH snapped. "And you created an entire galaxy under our noses!"
"And what would my galaxy profit you?" F(O/R)CE retorted.
"A million worlds," breathed X(A/N)TH. "He who controlled them would be the mightiest World Demon of them all!"
"Enough!" thundered J(U/P)ITER, making X(A/N)TH jump. "I must concede that F(O/R)CE is correct. The realm in question is his, however illicitly created. And he has a right to defend it."
E(A/R)TH grumbled annoyedly while X(A/N)TH narrowed his eyes in contempt.
"Demon F(O/R)CE, you receive one chance -- just one, mind -- to alter some event to better your odds," J(U/P)ITER told him. "Use it wisely."
"Thank you." F(O/R)CE was slightly disappointed, but one chance was better than none.
"However," J(U/P)ITER went on, "I have counted the times the other two have tampered with the wager, and E(A/R)TH has done so no less than twenty-eight times. X(A/N)TH, on the other hand, has only interfered twenty-five times. Thus, X(A/N)TH is also granted an opportunity to increase his chances of winning."
"And what does this mean?" F(O/R)CE demanded suspiciously.
"I get to give Luke Skywalker one final test," X(A/N)TH said gleefully. "If he fails, he's mine."
***
Luke awoke with a start. What was happening? World Demons? A gamble? What test? But the dream scrambled further out of reach the harder he tried to recall the specifics.
He looked down at the ogre's shoulder. Imprinted in the thick skin was a hoofprint very similar to Chang's, except that in the center of the U was the image of a full moon.
The hoofprint of a night mare.
Luke stared blankly at the latest obstacle to cross their paths, unsure of its origins or a way to surmount it. It stretched both ways and deep into the jungle on either side, so sidetracking to get around it would put them a good distance out of the way and into untold danger. And it was taller than Vader, with a smooth surface almost like plasteel, and lacking handholds of any kind, so going over was out. They had to get past it to cross the Ogre-fen Ogre-fen, but how?
"Metria, what's this?" he asked.
"Hmph," she grunted, inspecting it. "Chain letter. Biggest one I've ever seen."
"Each of these symbols are letters," Jenny explained. "And they're magically connected so they can't come apart."
"I recognize this one and this one," Wara mused, touching a number 8 and a letter Y, "but what sort of letter is this?" She pointed to a very artistic-looking symbol.
"Mundanian," Chang replied. "Oriental of some sort -- I'd say Chinese calligraphy. I'm well-versed in Mundanian anthropology."
"Whatever that means," Metria replied. "What's this one?"
Chang looked stumped, if that was possible for a centaur. "I don't know."
"That's Aurebesh," Luke replied. "Our written language."
Vader studied the chain of letters. "Can it be destroyed?"
"It can," Jenny said warily. "But it's supposed to be bad luck to break the chain."
"Pah, that's supernova," Metria snorted.
"That's what?" asked Luke.
"Cosmic calamity, stellar implosion, old wive's tale, folklore..."
"Superstition," Chang corrected.
"Whatever."
"Metria's correct," Chang replied. "There is no evidence to prove that breaking the chain brings misfortune on the breaker..."
"Not true!" Wara protested. "My unicorn uncle broke a chain, and the next day he was eaten by a tangle tree!"
"Nonsense," Vader replied, igniting his lightsaber. "People believe what they want to believe. If they believe breaking the chain of letters will bring misfortune, they will attribute any misfortune to the broken chain. I, on the other hand, side with Metria and Chang on the matter."
"But this is Xanth," Luke reminded him. "Things work differently here. Giving us bad luck could be the chain's natural defense against injury..."
"I'll take the chance," Vader snapped, and he plunged the lightsaber hilt-deep into a giant letter X. There was a stench like melting plastic, then the symbol collapsed on itself, melting into a gooey black mess in the grass. Vader stepped over the tarry puddle and motioned for the others to follow.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Jenny said worriedly.
They pressed on. Before long they began seeing signs of ogre activity -- trees broken off halfway up their trunks, yanked up by their roots, or twisted into knots; stones crumbled like day-old bread or with bites taken out of them; footprints the size of landspeeders; and loud crashing and howling sounds in the distance.
"Be quiet," Metria advised. "Ogres are stupid -- and proud of it -- but they have very good hearing. And they eat anything that moves."
"And some things that don't," added Jenny.
"Could they have sided with Darius?" Luke whispered.
"There are one or two half-ogres in his army," Wara replied quietly. "But Darius would never recruit a purebred of any species. He considers them prideful and weak."
Darius was a hypocrite, Luke decided. He hated the fact that he was a crossbreed, yet he discriminated against pure-bloods more than they discriminated against him. He preached the ideals of utopia, but didn't practice them. He'd never compared Emperor Palpatine to the magician before, but now he realized the two shared a lot of similarities.
Chang halted, and Luke, engrossed in his thoughts, ran smack into the centaur's equine posterior and landed hard on his tailbone. He yelped in surprise.
"Sshhh!" hissed Metria.
"I wasn't meaning to..." Luke protested.
Vader clamped a gloved hand over Luke's mouth. "Quiet, Luke." He nodded forward.
Ahead of them gathered four of the biggest, ugliest men Luke had ever seen. Not just homely ugly, but stomach-turningly ugly. Tusk-like teeth jutted from their rubbery lips, their eyes bulged, and dark hair covered their faces and arms. They were seated in a circle, crunching on a meal of freshly killed dragon. One of them grunted something, and the rest burst into roaring laughter.
"We can sneak around them," Luke suggested.
"Not likely," Metria replied, pointing. One ogre's rump was planted directly on the path.
"Should we sidestep the path?" asked Wara.
"Not a good idea," Chang replied softly. "The path on that side is bordered by cobra lilies. Their bite will kill you in minutes."
"Can we simply kill the ogres?" asked Vader.
Jenny stared at him incredulously. "I don't doubt that you're good in a fight, Lord Vader, but one ogre by himself is a match for the biggest dragon. And there are four here. It's my duty as a Companion to protect you, so I'm strongly advising you don't go out there and try to fight them."
"Yes, but we have an advantage over these ogres," Vader pointed out, tapping the side of his helmet. "We're intelligent."
One ogre set his hank of dragon meat on the ground and stretched leisurely. The sound of his joints popping into place sounded like a massive sheet of buckling metal.
Luke motioned to the others. "I've got a plan. Chang, does cobra lily venom affect ogres?"
"Not as much as it affects us, seeing as they're bigger," Chang replied. "I believe it will make them sleepy for a few hours..."
"Good enough. Here's what we'll do."
Once he'd finished outlining his plan, Metria reacted. "You're crazy!"
"Look who's talking," Vader retorted.
"It'll never work!" Metria insisted.
"Do you have any suggestions?" demanded Chang.
Metria grumbled a few words that made the ground smoke but subsided.
"Good," Luke replied. "To your stations."
Wara, Metria, Jenny, and Sammy remained behind while Vader, Luke, and Chang slipped through the undergrowth to the nearest patch of cobra lilies. Chang removed his quiver of arrows and let his comrades withdraw a few arrows. Luke extended one toward the patch, point first, ensuring his arm was out of reach of the serpentine plants.
The plant-creature hissed threateningly, spreading its petals into a hood shape. He jabbed at the plant, and it struck, its glistening thorn-fangs scraping against the metal head of the arrow. The cobra lily's venom shone wetly on the arrowhead. Perfect.
One by one they treated each of Chang's arrows, until they had gone through the entire quiver. Hopefully the poison would keep its power after it had dried. Vader lifted his hand toward the girls, their signal to act.
Jenny, Wara, and Metria stepped into view, innocent expressions on their faces as if they were merely ignorant travelers.
"Eeeeeek!" shouted Jenny in mock terror. "Ogres!"
One ogre perked up at the scream and turned to face Jenny. Blood and spit ran down his chin as he grinned eagerly. "See she!" he bellowed.
"Me see!" another demanded, shoving him out of the way.
"More lunch!" a third ogre declared. "Oh crunch!" He stood and pounded forward, a hungry gleam in his eye.
"Do they always speak in rhyme?" asked Vader quietly.
"When they can help it," Chang replied, taking careful aim. "It's their nature." As the ogre stepped past the mens' hiding place, he fired. The arrow buried itself in his thigh and stuck there.
The huge being stopped in mid-stride as the cobra venom took affect. He smiled dreamily. His eyes drooped shut as he tottered precariously on his feet, then he hit the jungle floor with a resounding BOOM that nearly knocked the three men off their feet. The ogre's contented snore ripped through the jungle like the screams of a rancor with indigestion.
"Wake up!" a second ogre demanded, stomping toward the fallen beast. "We sup!"
Chang loosed another arrow, and the second ogre fell like some ancient tree. The third ogre went to wake his comrades and was similarly sent to the dream realm. The forest seemed to tremble with their deafening snores.
The fourth ogre, though by no means an intelligent specimen of his kind, realized something was amiss. He looked into the bushes and spotted the three men.
"Me see three he!" he thundered.
"Oh Sith!" swore Luke.
Chang launched an arrow, but in his haste the shot went wide, striking a triginome-tree and causing its triangular leaves to wilt. Before he could ready another arrow, the ogre scooped him up in one enormous hand.
"Chang!" Wara shrieked, her terror unfeigned.
Vader burst from their hiding place, saber ignited, and drove it home into the ogre's foot. At the same time Wara, in unicorn form, charged and gored the giant creature's ankle. It took a few seconds for the pain to work its way up the ogre's lengthly nervous system and into his brain, but when it registered, his ear-splitting scream seemed to split the heavens. Reflexively he kicked with the injured limb, and Vader and Wara went flying. They landed quite roughly a few dozen meters away and did not immediately get up.
Luke would have gone to their aid, but he had problems of his own. For the ogre's howl of agony had just attracted more of his kind.
Metria grew a dozen times her normal height in an instant as she assumed ogress form. With a booming laugh she charged the advancing ogres, and the punches and kicks flew. But there were too many for even Metria to keep occupied.
Jenny was paralyzed by fright. Luke ran to her and grabbed her arm, hauling her forcibly away from the melee. Just their luck, though, an ogre saw them go and tromped after them.
"Wara and Lord Vader!" cried Jenny. "They could be hurt!"
"We can't help them now," Luke told her, pointing. An ogre had just scooped up the unconscious Sith and unicorn and was carrying them away.
"Oh no," she moaned. "I failed as a Companion."
"It's not your fault," Luke told her.
Something hissed angrily before them -- the cobra lilies. They could go no farther. The ogre had them cornered.
"Me got!" he bellowed. "Run not!" And he reached toward them.
Luke spotted a wilted, rotten-looking plant sprouting near the lily patch, bearing a putrid-brown bugle-shaped flower. A stinkhorn! Maybe this was their only chance of surviving. Without hesitation he brought his fist down hard on the plant.
BAROOOOOOOMPH! The plant let them have it, as it always did when disturbed. The two of them were smothered in a cloud of disgusting vapor. The cobra lilies closest to the stinkhorn shriveled and died on the spot, and the rest rasped in revulsion.
The ogre's fist closed around them and began to lift them. For a moment Luke was treated to a very unwanted close-up of the being's face. Then he got a whiff of his prey.
"Ugh! Stink!" The ogre was so disgusted he forgot to rhyme. He opened his hand and let the two of them fall as he coughed and gagged.
Oh Sithspit, this is going to hurt, was Luke's last conscious thought as the ground rushed to meet him.
***
"All right, so the stinkhorn thing was a bad idea," Luke grudgingly admitted, nursing his bruised temple.
"You think so?" Vader remarked sarcastically.
The two Players, Jenny, Chang, Wara, and Sammy sat in the darkness of the temporary prison of an overturned ogre-sized cooking pot. Thanks to Luke's failed plan, the blackness around them was liberally tainted with stinkhorn stench. In addition to various cuts and bruises, Jenny had a broken arm and Wara's knee was sprained. Vader had sustained damage to his mask from his fall, leaving him with only sixty percent of his respirator's working capacity.
"Where's Metria?" Wara asked finally.
"Who knows?" Luke muttered. "And besides, there's not a whole lot she can do."
"What lies in store for us?" Vader asked, his voice more distorted than usual.
"Nothing pleasant," Jenny replied. "We'll either be eaten right away or cooked and put away for future use."
"And that's a best-case scenario," Chang added gloomily.
Luke groaned and leaned back, his shoulders and head resting against the metal walls of their prison. He should have never started playing the game. It had only gotten himself and others into a fatal situation. But then, if he hadn't come to Xanth, he would never have encountered Vader again and had the opportunity to ask questions about his past. His life might end today, but at least he could die with some closure.
Voices could be heard from outside the cauldron. One sounded like Metria. Another was unmistakably an ogre. The third seemed to be male, but he couldn't place it. Curious, he pressed his ear to the metal wall to listen.
"Get it through your thick ugly head!" Metria was shouting. "They're not for eating! My friend here wants to meet them!"
"We eat!" the ogre protested. "Not meet!"
"This was part of our bargain," the man said. "Animals and raiding parties you can eat. But anyone else must come to us first. Is that clear?"
Luke frowned. Bargain? Was this Darius, and he had indeed made a deal with the ogres of Ogre-fen Ogre-fen? That seemed to be the gist of it.
"Clear here," the ogre grudgingly admitted.
"Good," huffed Metria. "You don't know how relieved I am that you're finally getting these annoying guys off my return."
"Your what?" the man asked.
"Reappearance, repeat, dorsal, posterior..."
"Back."
"Whatever."
"My pleasure, Miss Metria."
He couldn't believe this! Metria was betraying them! She must have been a False Companion from the start! His hand went to his blast-her. Maybe they could still take Darius out, or at least die trying...
The pot was lifted away, exposing them to the sunlight. An ogre hefted the pot onto his shoulder and walked away. Metria stood before them, looking bored. A young man on her right studied them carefully.
Luke hesitated, confused. This didn't look like Wara's description of Darius. In fact, he didn't look like a crossbreed at all. He was simply a human, around Jenny's age with brown hair and eyes and a tan complexion. Beside him was a slender woman close to Luke's age, very fair with blonde hair and dark blue eyes.
"Why do I have to keep saving you all?" demanded Metria. "Took me ages to find these two so I could get rid of those annoying ogres and keep you from being tonight's main course..."
"Then you're not False!" Luke exclaimed in relief.
"Luke!" Jenny chided. "You know she can't tell you if she is or isn't!"
The young man smiled. "I've seen weird things here, but this tops all. I'm Matt."
"I'm Tracy," the girl greeted.
"Luke Skywalker," Luke introduced.
"We know," Tracy replied. "Metria told us everything. A game, huh? There are many paths into Xanth. That must be a new one."
"You see, we're Mundane too," Matt added. "And when Metria told us the ogres had captured Mundanians, we knew we had to meet you."
"What's this about you making a deal with the ogres?" Vader inquired. Apparently Luke hadn't been the only one eavesdropping on their conversation.
"The ogres let us live in the fen as long as we don't scare away their prey," Tracy explained. "But part of the deal is that they can't pick on innocent travelers. So they bring them to us to inspect, and once we're sure they're on a worthy mission, they pass a test and go on."
"Test?" repeated Wara.
"We'll explain at our place," Matt replied. "Come with us."
Luke glanced toward the others to see if they were following. Jenny was cradling her injured arm, and Chang was lifting Wara onto his back to transport her. But it was Vader who he finally locked eyes with, and what he saw made him freeze.
The left side of Vader's mask was badly scratched and cracked, and the lens on that side had been shattered. His eye was exposed, and it pinned Luke where he stood with a piercing stare.
It's blue, he thought dumbly. Like mine.
"You're holding up traffic," Vader informed him.
"Uh... sorry." He jogged to catch up with Matt and Tracy.
Ahead of them sat a winged cabin. Matt opened the door and shouted "Uncle Gale, we have company!"
"House fly," Chang noted. "A well-built one, too."
"We bought it off an elf community," Tracy explained.
A heavyset man, somewhere in his sixties with thinning white hair and wearing a striped shirt, jeans, and suspenders, came to the door to meet them. "Well, I'll be," he marveled. "Ain't that something. Looks like you folks have seen some action. Tracy, why don't you get that bottle of healing elixir?"
She returned with a glass bottle of water, probably collected from a healing spring. Gale wet a cloth with it and wiped down Jenny's arm first, then dabbed the cloth on Luke's temple. He felt the ache there melt away, and when he touched the area the bruise was gone. Gale proceeded to treat everyone's injuries, even splashing some on Vader's mask, closing the cracks and repairing the broken lens. That elixir was quite versatile!
"So how did you come to Xanth?" asked Jenny. "Luke and Vader were brought here by a game, and we met a girl who came on a day mare..."
"My granddaughter," Gale said proudly. "Clever of her to find a way here and a way back. The three of us can't go back."
"You see, Gale's not really our uncle," Tracy explained. "We call him that because we all kind of adopted each other. We had something in common -- we all came to Xanth due to some personal tragedy."
"Sometimes that happens," Wara replied. "Sometimes something bad happens to a good person, and instead of dying that person comes to live in Xanth. But once here in Xanth, they must stay here."
Matt nodded. "My friend and I were goofing off one day. We were... playing with something we shouldn't have been. I remember this loud BANG... then I was in Xanth."
"I was in a car," said Tracy. "My boyfriend was driving. It was late, and the roads were bad. He fell asleep... and I ended up coming to Xanth."
"I was sick," said Gale. "Very sick, for a long time. My heart didn't work well anymore. One night, I simply came to Xanth in my sleep."
It took awhile for anyone to reply.
"That is unfortunate," Vader said sympathetically. "We are searching for a means out of Xanth. Perhaps you can accompany us."
Gale shook his head. "Xanth's magic keeps us alive. If we go back to Mundania, we cease to exist."
"Besides, we like it here," Tracy added. "It's a very unique place."
"Yeah," Luke replied. "Too bad we can't stay."
"Which reminds me," Chang stated. "You mentioned a test."
"Yes, well, the ogres like to do things their way," Matt explained. "And what an ogre wants, an ogre gets."
"Not going to argue with you there," Luke replied.
"So to get out of the Ogre-fen Ogre-fen, you have to impress the ogre community."
"How do we do that?" asked Wara.
"Ogres are proud of three things," Tracy said. "Their strength, their stupidity, and their bad looks. If you can prove the group of you are stupid, ugly, and strong -- more so than an ogre -- you pass the test. Otherwise, they do what they want with you."
"Metal-face wins the ugly contest," Metria piped up.
"Shut up," Luke hissed.
"This could be tricky," Vader mused. "However, with a little planning... Tracy, do you have any cosmetics?"
"Do I ever!" She ran out of the room and came out with a good-sized box. "Theatrical makeup. I was a big drama student before I came here."
When the six of them exited the house fly, they saw the cabin surrounded by ogres and ogresses, all gathered to view the intruders. Upon seeing their group they began to applaud eagerly.
For Tracy had given them the most hideous makeover ever. She had outlined the ridges and grooves of Vader's mask with white paint to highlight the bizarre features. Metria, declining makeup, has simply assumed the form of a Fury -- a wizened black-skinned crone with bat-like wings, a canine face, and snakes for hair. The others had teeth blacked out, hair standing on end, bags and wrinkles drawn in, and in general looked perfectly awful. Even Sammy was a sight, and the fact that he looked quite annoyed with his patchy brown dye job only made him look uglier.
"So," Gale said brightly, coming out of the house, "would you all say they're suitably ugly?"
"We say yes!" an ogress exclaimed. "We impress!"
"Good," Metria grumped. "Can I change back?"
"Not yet," Wara warned her.
"Not done!" a one-eyed ogre declared. "They dumb?"
Gale turned to the group. "Good question. Are you stupid?"
Luke smirked. "One of you bend over and take a sniff of us."
An ogre child, somewhat less repulsive-looking than his parents, squatted and snorted a breath through his pug nose. "Oh Dad, smell bad!"
"We hit a stinkhorn plant," Jenny told them. "On purpose. Would any of you do that?"
The ogres thought on that until their hair began to smoke with the effort -- thinking was a difficult task for an ogre.
"No way, I say," an ogre finally said.
"So we're definitely stupid, right?" Chang encouraged.
"More stupid than an ogre," Vader finished.
"We confess," an elderly ogre conceded. "We impress."
"You strong?" the ogre child asked. "Or wrong?"
Vader turned to the others. "It will be Luke and I who do this," he whispered, "but act as if you're concentrating on the task. Am I clear?"
"Perfectly," Jenny replied.
He turned to the ogres. "Who among you can lift the most weight?"
"Be me!" a burly ogre declared.
"Prove it." Vader ordered.
The ogre casually strode over to the house fly and, with no effort at all, lifted it one-handed. The glade thundered with applause. The ogre beamed a crooked-toothed grin and set the house down.
"Impressive," Vader noted. When the ogre offered him a puzzled expression, he clarified. "Very good. But can you lift the house -- without touching it?"
The glade went silent. Every ogre fixed their gaze on their group expectantly.
"Are you sure you can do this?" asked Wara nervously. "The house is so big."
"Size matters not," Luke told them.
Vader turned to look at him. "I see Yoda trained you. The best of the Jedi. Somehow I'm not surprised."
Luke closed his eyes and slipped into the Force. He touched the energy given off by the house and the ground it rested on, tested the bond between them, and focused all his strength on that connection. A rush of strength at his side indicated Vader was doing the same. With a great effort on both their parts, they lifted the cabin.
The ogres gasped, then gawked, then broke into deafening applause. The others looked surprised but kept up the charade of "levitating."
"We impress!" the burly ogre cheered as they gently set the house down. "You the best!"
Gale smiled at them. "Good job, friends. You're free to go."
"No go!" another ogre shouted.
"But they passed..." began Matt.
"Where they go, eh?" asked the burly ogre.
"Lake Eerie," said Jenny.
The ogre smiled kindly, an action that somehow made him seem less ugly. "We take to lake."
Vader bowed. "Thank you."
Three ogres volunteered for the task, and after saying goodbye to Tracy, Matt, and Gale, they departed. Each ogre carried one traveler on each shoulder. It wasn't the most luxurious ride ever, but they were grateful for the chance to rest.
The rocking motion of the ogre's strides, combined with the eventful morning, lulled Luke into a drowsy trance.
***
"Unfair!" Demon E(A/R)TH thundered, casting a fiery glare at his opponent. "I call a foul!"
"It's perfectly fair," Demon X(A/N)TH retorted. "I'm able to intervene in this bet as much as you are. And besides, the Players were never supposed to encounter the chain letter in the first place."
"They weren't supposed to face the plesiosaur, either," E(A/R)TH shot back.
"Nor were they to face a flock of harpies."
"Nor were they to face the rapids."
"Suffice it to say that you have both interfered in the gamble too many times to be justified," a third World Demon put in.
E(A/R)TH and X(A/N)TH cast contemptuous glances at Demon F(O/R)CE. They had been trying to pretend he didn't exist.
"We weren't asking you, runt," X(A/N)TH said haughtily.
"But it's my realm that's at stake here..." he began.
E(A/R)TH sneered at him before resuming his argument with X(A/N)TH. F(O/R)CE could only sigh. This constant bickering and jockeying for position between the World Demons was the very reason he had relinquished his position among the cosmic entities. He had no use for their backstabbing, status-seeking ways and endless wagering. But if he wanted to retain his creation, he had to play their game.
"Enough," Demon J(U/P)ITER ordered calmly.
The other two World Demons stopped fighting. J(U/P)ITER was the highest of all the World Demons and so officiated over all wagers.
"I have kept a careful watch over these proceedings," he went on. "And yes, an excessive amount of World Demon interference has occurred. I'm aware that the stakes are high -- F(O/R)CE's galaxy is an enviable prize -- but all this tampering with the Skywalkers' quest is inexcusable. You two are cheating outrageously in this gamble!"
X(A/N)TH and E(A/R)TH exchanged sheepish glances.
"Permission to speak freely, sir," F(O/R)CE requested.
"Granted."
"I wish for a chance to even the odds," he pleaded. "I'm aware that I am the least of the World Demons -- by my own choice -- but the lands in question are lands I crafted myself. And as you are aware, that gives me a part in this wager."
"You gave up your right to control a world long ago!" E(A/R)TH snapped. "And you created an entire galaxy under our noses!"
"And what would my galaxy profit you?" F(O/R)CE retorted.
"A million worlds," breathed X(A/N)TH. "He who controlled them would be the mightiest World Demon of them all!"
"Enough!" thundered J(U/P)ITER, making X(A/N)TH jump. "I must concede that F(O/R)CE is correct. The realm in question is his, however illicitly created. And he has a right to defend it."
E(A/R)TH grumbled annoyedly while X(A/N)TH narrowed his eyes in contempt.
"Demon F(O/R)CE, you receive one chance -- just one, mind -- to alter some event to better your odds," J(U/P)ITER told him. "Use it wisely."
"Thank you." F(O/R)CE was slightly disappointed, but one chance was better than none.
"However," J(U/P)ITER went on, "I have counted the times the other two have tampered with the wager, and E(A/R)TH has done so no less than twenty-eight times. X(A/N)TH, on the other hand, has only interfered twenty-five times. Thus, X(A/N)TH is also granted an opportunity to increase his chances of winning."
"And what does this mean?" F(O/R)CE demanded suspiciously.
"I get to give Luke Skywalker one final test," X(A/N)TH said gleefully. "If he fails, he's mine."
***
Luke awoke with a start. What was happening? World Demons? A gamble? What test? But the dream scrambled further out of reach the harder he tried to recall the specifics.
He looked down at the ogre's shoulder. Imprinted in the thick skin was a hoofprint very similar to Chang's, except that in the center of the U was the image of a full moon.
The hoofprint of a night mare.