Disclaimer - please see chapter one
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "When It Rains" by Lari White.
Chapter Two - When It Rains
~He`d had some time
~He`d been doing fine
~He couldn`t remember when she`d last crossed his mind
After she turned down my proposal I didn't see or hear from Catherine at all. She was absent from work, and gave her explanation directly to the powers that be, not to me. I tried contacting her, but she ignored me. She didn't want me, so I had nothing to stay in Vegas for. So I took the job in LA, and I've been here for over five months now.
Moving house, starting a new job, being single again - all changes that are difficult enough to handle on their own, and I had to face them all together. There were so many times in the first few months that my hand had dialled the first digits of Catherine's number, but I stopped myself before the last one. I had hurt her. She didn't want me, I had to face that.
Once I'd settled into my new apartment and adjusted to the new work pattern, my emotions began to calm down, and I could keep myself busy - twenty-four hours a day if necessary - and push all thoughts of what I lost to the back of my mind.
~But a storm cloud comes stealin`
~With that old mournful feelin`
~Just like the black night she left him behind
It's been going well. The job is every bit as good as I had thought it would be. My colleagues share my interests to a greater degree than my Vegas team did. We go out to dinner at the end of our day and talk for hours about bugs or the latest Discovery Channel documentary. I would never say that it is better than being in Vegas - the two things are too different to be justly compared. But I do feel a sense of belonging here. These people understand me. Whilst I enjoyed working with and educating Nick, Warrick, Sara and Greg, I never really felt that I fit in. No-one ever really understood me like my new workmates do.
Except Catherine.
As soon as I hear myself think those two words I cringe. Not because I don't like to think of Catherine, but because I don't want to. It makes everything too difficult. When she's on my mind, I see her everywhere, I hear her voice when I'm walking down the street, and turn expecting to find her standing there looking beautiful as always. But she's not there. All I have are the feelings I'm holding onto. My love for her, and my anger for my own stupidity in pushing her away.
~When it rains
~When it rains
~It pours down memories and thunders her name
And once I open those floodgates, it takes so long to fight the force of the memories and push them securely back into place again.
I remember out first date. We'd been to dinner together many times before, but this felt different. I couldn't stop smiling, and she couldn't stop smiling. I can still see her eyes sparkling, I couldn't look away from them all night. They exerted a power over me, and I didn't want to break free. She was so beautiful. And I told her so. Several times. Because I could. Because after nineteen years of thinking it and wishing I could tell her, my wish had finally come true.
~And he drowns in the flood of the same old pain
~When it rains
~When it rains
And then I threw it all away. How the hell could I have been so stupid? I am supposed to be an intelligent man. Throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me exhibits no sign of intelligence at all.
"I figure I can't be happy.. There was something missing."
My pathetic words circle my mind, haunting me, taunting me, reminding me what an idiot I've been.
And I see her face. Tears cascading down her cheeks, eyes already bloodshot, so they're obviously not the first tears she's cried that day. I see her slowly shake her head. She says she can't. That it's too late. And then she's gone. And I'm frozen. I stay outside her house, rooted to the spot, overcome by a feeling of emptiness.
That's my last memory of her. There were so many happy times we shared, but I have to block those out too because they bring on that last memory. And maybe I deserve to relive the pain, but I can't. It's just too much. I need to move on.
~He starts to cry
~He gets to wondering why
~And he`s sure he can`t take one more long lonely night
There's a woman at work, Hannah Raybourn. We've been out a couple of times. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she has a smile that can light up a room.
~But his mind keeps on achin` ~And his heart keeps on breakin`
But I keep pulling away from her because she's not Catherine. On every date I've spent the time remembering dates with Catherine, seeing Catherine smile, hearing Catherine laugh.
~And he stands there shakin` his fist at the sky
And my anger has increased tenfold. First I let her go, then I won't let go.
And I hate myself for doing this to Hannah. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She likes me. I like her. I just have to accept that Catherine is my past. Because I know that if I don't pull myself together and see if Hannah could be my future I'll regret it. And I already have enough regrets. So I'll do this. I can do this. I can move on.
TBC.
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "When It Rains" by Lari White.
Chapter Two - When It Rains
~He`d had some time
~He`d been doing fine
~He couldn`t remember when she`d last crossed his mind
After she turned down my proposal I didn't see or hear from Catherine at all. She was absent from work, and gave her explanation directly to the powers that be, not to me. I tried contacting her, but she ignored me. She didn't want me, so I had nothing to stay in Vegas for. So I took the job in LA, and I've been here for over five months now.
Moving house, starting a new job, being single again - all changes that are difficult enough to handle on their own, and I had to face them all together. There were so many times in the first few months that my hand had dialled the first digits of Catherine's number, but I stopped myself before the last one. I had hurt her. She didn't want me, I had to face that.
Once I'd settled into my new apartment and adjusted to the new work pattern, my emotions began to calm down, and I could keep myself busy - twenty-four hours a day if necessary - and push all thoughts of what I lost to the back of my mind.
~But a storm cloud comes stealin`
~With that old mournful feelin`
~Just like the black night she left him behind
It's been going well. The job is every bit as good as I had thought it would be. My colleagues share my interests to a greater degree than my Vegas team did. We go out to dinner at the end of our day and talk for hours about bugs or the latest Discovery Channel documentary. I would never say that it is better than being in Vegas - the two things are too different to be justly compared. But I do feel a sense of belonging here. These people understand me. Whilst I enjoyed working with and educating Nick, Warrick, Sara and Greg, I never really felt that I fit in. No-one ever really understood me like my new workmates do.
Except Catherine.
As soon as I hear myself think those two words I cringe. Not because I don't like to think of Catherine, but because I don't want to. It makes everything too difficult. When she's on my mind, I see her everywhere, I hear her voice when I'm walking down the street, and turn expecting to find her standing there looking beautiful as always. But she's not there. All I have are the feelings I'm holding onto. My love for her, and my anger for my own stupidity in pushing her away.
~When it rains
~When it rains
~It pours down memories and thunders her name
And once I open those floodgates, it takes so long to fight the force of the memories and push them securely back into place again.
I remember out first date. We'd been to dinner together many times before, but this felt different. I couldn't stop smiling, and she couldn't stop smiling. I can still see her eyes sparkling, I couldn't look away from them all night. They exerted a power over me, and I didn't want to break free. She was so beautiful. And I told her so. Several times. Because I could. Because after nineteen years of thinking it and wishing I could tell her, my wish had finally come true.
~And he drowns in the flood of the same old pain
~When it rains
~When it rains
And then I threw it all away. How the hell could I have been so stupid? I am supposed to be an intelligent man. Throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me exhibits no sign of intelligence at all.
"I figure I can't be happy.. There was something missing."
My pathetic words circle my mind, haunting me, taunting me, reminding me what an idiot I've been.
And I see her face. Tears cascading down her cheeks, eyes already bloodshot, so they're obviously not the first tears she's cried that day. I see her slowly shake her head. She says she can't. That it's too late. And then she's gone. And I'm frozen. I stay outside her house, rooted to the spot, overcome by a feeling of emptiness.
That's my last memory of her. There were so many happy times we shared, but I have to block those out too because they bring on that last memory. And maybe I deserve to relive the pain, but I can't. It's just too much. I need to move on.
~He starts to cry
~He gets to wondering why
~And he`s sure he can`t take one more long lonely night
There's a woman at work, Hannah Raybourn. We've been out a couple of times. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she has a smile that can light up a room.
~But his mind keeps on achin` ~And his heart keeps on breakin`
But I keep pulling away from her because she's not Catherine. On every date I've spent the time remembering dates with Catherine, seeing Catherine smile, hearing Catherine laugh.
~And he stands there shakin` his fist at the sky
And my anger has increased tenfold. First I let her go, then I won't let go.
And I hate myself for doing this to Hannah. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She likes me. I like her. I just have to accept that Catherine is my past. Because I know that if I don't pull myself together and see if Hannah could be my future I'll regret it. And I already have enough regrets. So I'll do this. I can do this. I can move on.
TBC.