Disclaimer: see chapter one
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "Now I Know" written by Chick Rains, Cindy Greene and Don Cook, performed (in my version) by Lari White.
Chapter 3 - Now I Know
~I always wondered how I`d live without you
~If you ever said goodbye
~Would I just live in dreams about you
~With tears in my eyes?
I wake up and, for the seventh consecutive morning, I haven't dreamt of Gil. I suppose the fact that that is the first thing I think of when I wake up shows I'm not quite over it yet, but at least the dreams have stopped. I couldn't handle the dreams.
It's not that they're horrible dreams, it's that they're too pleasant. They started about two months ago. Every single time I fell asleep he was there. And we were happy. And it ruined everything I had achieved in the three months since he left.
~Would I fall to pieces when you go?
~I always wondered how I`d live without you
~Now I know
There were so many times in those first few months when my hand had dialled his number, but I stopped before the call connected. He had left the contact number in the office for me, and I had promised myself I would never use it. But we all have moments of weakness, and in mine, he was the only one I wanted to make me feel strong again.
~I`m doing all right
~I`m strong enough to make it on my own
Then I'd remember how easily he had managed to hurt me. I know we are only ever really hurt by people we love - that it's because we love them that it hurts, but that's not comforting. He hurt me, so much. I had never thought it possible for him to break my heart. That he did it intentionally made it so much worse.
So I didn't call. I have never called. And, most of the time, I'm proud of myself for that.
~I`m not afraid of the night
~I`m learning how to face it alone
It's one thing to decide you are going to move on, but actually doing it is a whole other story. I hadn't just lost a lover, I lost the man I loved with all my heart, my best friend, my soul mate, a part of me. He'd been in my life for nineteen years, and now he wasn't there. I'd seen him almost everyday for nineteen years, and now I had to get used to walking into his office, to find an empty chair behind his desk. I had to get used to sitting in that chair, doing his job, in his office, without thinking about him, or how everything that was so perfect managed to go so wrong.
But when you have two options, and you are so convinced that no good could come of one that you couldn't possibly take it, you have to go with the other one. And no matter how hard it is, you have to persevere.
~I`ve been good at holding on
~Now I`m learning to let go
So I did. And I'm doing alright. I can go to work, and I survive. I can think back on time we spent together, and I don't cry - the majority of the time. I can see the door of my house without remembering how I collapsed behind it, crying as I let my world fall apart around me.
~I always wondered how I`d live without you
~Now I know
And most importantly, I can look at myself in the mirror without reprimanding myself for being so stupid.
~I always wondered what I`d do without you
~I found out today
~I got up and made a cup of coffee
~And time just slipped away
The team has been great. I don't think I'd be doing so well if it wasn't for them. At first they kept trying to persuade me to call him, but after a month of me threatening to hurt them if they said it one more time, they came round to my way of thinking and accepted that I needed help to move forward, not backwards.
So, we have this tradition now. Once a month we go out. We have a little arrangement with the dayshift, they cover us for this, we cover them so they can... do whatever they do. Somehow I can't see Ecklie out on the town with his team. But, you never know.
Tonight is this month's night out. It's Sara's turn to choose where we go, so it should at least appeal to women more than Greg's choice did last month. I'm used to half naked women gyrating around me, but Sara looked a little uncomfortable. She has vowed revenge. Should be an interesting night.
~I dressed up and went out on the town
~To places you'd never go
Josie's Karaoke. Not a bad choice, as long as I'm not expected to sing. It promises to be a fun night. I think Greg's a little nervous. He's a funny shade of green at the moment.
***
He's just been called to the stage. So, in preparation, he's downing three shots of something he insists will give him the ability to sing like a superstar. I think he's drunk.
"I Will Survive." Good choice of song, Greg. The rest of the team cringe and glance at me, obviously they see the relevance as well. I smile and wave their attention back to the stage where Greg looks like he's not going to be able to do anything except fall over. Thank God there's a microphone stand.
He begins and the whole room jeers then cheers. Our table erupts in laughter, and is soon joined by everyone else as Greg stumbles forward and drops himself off the end of the stage, walking up to a woman at the nearest table and singing two lines to her before collapsing on her knee.
~I always wondered what I`d do without you
We leap up and run over there, making our way through the small crowd that has gathered. A man is crouched at the side of him trying to get him to speak - apparently he's a doctor. I bend down beside him, and say:
"Greg, Ecklie's looking for you."
His head shoots up, terror written on his face.
The man beside me laughs, as Warrick and Nick help Greg up and take him back to our table.
After apologising to Greg's woman, I turn to the doctor.
"Thanks for trying."
"You're welcome," he smiles warmly.
~Now I know
And I smile back.
~I'm doing all right.
TBC...
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "Now I Know" written by Chick Rains, Cindy Greene and Don Cook, performed (in my version) by Lari White.
Chapter 3 - Now I Know
~I always wondered how I`d live without you
~If you ever said goodbye
~Would I just live in dreams about you
~With tears in my eyes?
I wake up and, for the seventh consecutive morning, I haven't dreamt of Gil. I suppose the fact that that is the first thing I think of when I wake up shows I'm not quite over it yet, but at least the dreams have stopped. I couldn't handle the dreams.
It's not that they're horrible dreams, it's that they're too pleasant. They started about two months ago. Every single time I fell asleep he was there. And we were happy. And it ruined everything I had achieved in the three months since he left.
~Would I fall to pieces when you go?
~I always wondered how I`d live without you
~Now I know
There were so many times in those first few months when my hand had dialled his number, but I stopped before the call connected. He had left the contact number in the office for me, and I had promised myself I would never use it. But we all have moments of weakness, and in mine, he was the only one I wanted to make me feel strong again.
~I`m doing all right
~I`m strong enough to make it on my own
Then I'd remember how easily he had managed to hurt me. I know we are only ever really hurt by people we love - that it's because we love them that it hurts, but that's not comforting. He hurt me, so much. I had never thought it possible for him to break my heart. That he did it intentionally made it so much worse.
So I didn't call. I have never called. And, most of the time, I'm proud of myself for that.
~I`m not afraid of the night
~I`m learning how to face it alone
It's one thing to decide you are going to move on, but actually doing it is a whole other story. I hadn't just lost a lover, I lost the man I loved with all my heart, my best friend, my soul mate, a part of me. He'd been in my life for nineteen years, and now he wasn't there. I'd seen him almost everyday for nineteen years, and now I had to get used to walking into his office, to find an empty chair behind his desk. I had to get used to sitting in that chair, doing his job, in his office, without thinking about him, or how everything that was so perfect managed to go so wrong.
But when you have two options, and you are so convinced that no good could come of one that you couldn't possibly take it, you have to go with the other one. And no matter how hard it is, you have to persevere.
~I`ve been good at holding on
~Now I`m learning to let go
So I did. And I'm doing alright. I can go to work, and I survive. I can think back on time we spent together, and I don't cry - the majority of the time. I can see the door of my house without remembering how I collapsed behind it, crying as I let my world fall apart around me.
~I always wondered how I`d live without you
~Now I know
And most importantly, I can look at myself in the mirror without reprimanding myself for being so stupid.
~I always wondered what I`d do without you
~I found out today
~I got up and made a cup of coffee
~And time just slipped away
The team has been great. I don't think I'd be doing so well if it wasn't for them. At first they kept trying to persuade me to call him, but after a month of me threatening to hurt them if they said it one more time, they came round to my way of thinking and accepted that I needed help to move forward, not backwards.
So, we have this tradition now. Once a month we go out. We have a little arrangement with the dayshift, they cover us for this, we cover them so they can... do whatever they do. Somehow I can't see Ecklie out on the town with his team. But, you never know.
Tonight is this month's night out. It's Sara's turn to choose where we go, so it should at least appeal to women more than Greg's choice did last month. I'm used to half naked women gyrating around me, but Sara looked a little uncomfortable. She has vowed revenge. Should be an interesting night.
~I dressed up and went out on the town
~To places you'd never go
Josie's Karaoke. Not a bad choice, as long as I'm not expected to sing. It promises to be a fun night. I think Greg's a little nervous. He's a funny shade of green at the moment.
***
He's just been called to the stage. So, in preparation, he's downing three shots of something he insists will give him the ability to sing like a superstar. I think he's drunk.
"I Will Survive." Good choice of song, Greg. The rest of the team cringe and glance at me, obviously they see the relevance as well. I smile and wave their attention back to the stage where Greg looks like he's not going to be able to do anything except fall over. Thank God there's a microphone stand.
He begins and the whole room jeers then cheers. Our table erupts in laughter, and is soon joined by everyone else as Greg stumbles forward and drops himself off the end of the stage, walking up to a woman at the nearest table and singing two lines to her before collapsing on her knee.
~I always wondered what I`d do without you
We leap up and run over there, making our way through the small crowd that has gathered. A man is crouched at the side of him trying to get him to speak - apparently he's a doctor. I bend down beside him, and say:
"Greg, Ecklie's looking for you."
His head shoots up, terror written on his face.
The man beside me laughs, as Warrick and Nick help Greg up and take him back to our table.
After apologising to Greg's woman, I turn to the doctor.
"Thanks for trying."
"You're welcome," he smiles warmly.
~Now I know
And I smile back.
~I'm doing all right.
TBC...