Disclaimer: please see chapter one
A/N: This chapter breaks from the songfic style I have used in the previous chapters as I couldn't find an appropriate song. However it does contain lyrics from "My Big Mistake" by Delta Goodrem.
Chapter Five: Messages
It's been a long day, well, night. Nick and I finally tied up a case we've been working on for two weeks though, so some good did come of it. Now I just want to collapse on the sofa and sleep. I'd collapse on my bed but I don't have the energy to make it that far.
So I drop myself onto the sofa, lean my head back and close my eyes. Then something occurs to me. I caught a glimpse of the answering machine as I sat down, and the light was blinking furiously. I doubt it's important, but just in case, I force my eyes open, reach across and hit play. Then I collapse again.
"You have six new messages..." The electronic voice tells me.
I raise my eyebrows in surprise, and settle down to see what the world had to offer me while I wasn't here to take it.
"Message one..."
"Hi, honey, it's Mom. Just wanted to see how you are. Nancy told me about you and Peter. You okay?... It's hard to make a relationship work when you're still in love with someone else. Things'll work themselves out, though. Just be patient. I'll talk to you soon. Lots of love, and a big hug for my granddaughter. And take a hug for yourself too. 'Bye!"
I can hear her smile, and I smile as well, as a tear escapes from beneath my right eyelid. Forty years old, and I want my mum. I need that hug. Everything's such a mess. I haven't stopped thinking about Gil since Warrick's engagement party, three weeks ago. That one evening managed to undo everything I had accomplished.
I ended things with Peter just after that, it wasn't fair on him to carry on pretending. I've only just told Nancy though. I wanted to deal with things in my own head before they started asking questions. Should have known they wouldn't need to ask though. Mum obviously has it all figured out.
"Message two..." the machine says after reeling off the date and time that the first message was left. Information which is really no use because I haven't reset the clock on the machine since a power cut a fortnight ago.
"Hey – "
I leap out of the seat and hit pause. I recognise the voice straight away, and suddenly I'm wide awake. What does he want? Why is he calling? He's never called! In the ten months since he left he's never called once! Why now? What does he want?
And do I want to know?
I stand and stare at the machine, its little light is blinking, reminding me someone has something to say. And as all my questions run through my mind again, I realise that there's only one way to answer them. So I press play.
"I thought I'd – "
And then I press pause. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with this. I've been longing to hear his voice, praying that he would call, but I'm not prepared. I should have been given some sort of warning. You can't just spring these things on people!
I sit on the coffee table, because that's the nearest thing to me as I feel I need to sit down, and rub my forehead. I need to do this. I need to listen to the message. I'm a big girl. I can do this. I take a deep breath, transfer myself to the sofa, and curling up at the end near the table that holds the machine, I press play again.
"– catch you before you went to work, but, obviously, you've gone..."
Now I'm angry at myself for going in early. I miss him. God, I miss him.
"... Erm... I'll... call some other time... It wasn't anything important. Er... 'bye."
I smile slightly, through the tears. The message is so him. Why wasn't I here? How did I let things come to this? Yes, I miss being with him; I miss having him love me in return; I miss holding him, falling asleep beside him, snuggling up to watch movies with him; but most of all I miss my friend. And even if I can't have all the other things back, maybe I can get the friendship back. Maybe we could at least be on a talking basis. Why wasn't I here to take the damn call?
"Actually – " the answering machine is still going and it snaps me out of my thoughts when his voice comes out of it again. My head shoots up, thinking maybe I'm just hearing things. But the voice continues.
"- I did want to talk to you... I ... wanted to... apologise – "
~ the days the weeks the months ~ the years that we have wasted ~ i'm sorry ~ i still love you
"- I never meant to hurt you. I did what I always do and retreated. I'm not good with people. I'm not good with feelings... I was scared and I pushed you away instead of letting you in... I'm not just realising this now. I just never thought you would listen before... And I didn't blame you... And I wouldn't blame you if you delete this without even listening to it. But at Warrick's party, you at least spoke to me, and I was just wondering if maybe... Er... I'm sorry. This isn't fair on you. Please just know that I'm sorry and – "
"And?" I scream leaping towards the answer machine as it beeps to inform me that it kindly cut him off at that point. I glare at it impatiently, as it tells me the message was left on 'Tuesday at two-fifty-four pm'. Inaccurate information I really don't care about! My heart is beating rapidly, and my hands are shaking, he has to have left another message. There are three messages left. He had to have called back. I need to know what he was going to say. I daren't hope that he's going to say he still loves me, but maybe he's been thinking like I have and we can try being friends again.
"Message four..."
Yes, yes, get on with it!
"Ms Willows, this is – "
"Message deleted."
I really don't care who it was.
"Message five..."
"They never give you enough space on these things," he laughs, nervously, and I laugh too as I release a sigh of relief when I hear his voice again. "I did call straight after my other message, but it was engaged... Now, I'm rambling... Get to the point... Hmm, now I'm talking to myself... Sorry. I just wanted to tell you... to ask... Hannah and I – "
My smile drops from my face and I hit pause. Oh my God. I can't handle this. If he's going to tell me they're getting married, I really can't handle this. I know I said I daren't hope he was going to say he still loves me, but that is, of course, what I was hoping for. I really can't take it if he's going to say he's marrying her. And if he's going to invite me to the wedding... That's it! That's what he's ringing for. He's apologising, because he does want us to be friends. And he wants to invite me to their wedding. Oh, God, I can't take this.
My hand reaches out to press delete. But it stops. I should at least give him the courtesy of listening to the message. It's probably a good idea to know what I'm responding to when I call to turn down the invitation. Or maybe I'll write. Yes, I definitely couldn't deal with a conversation with him. Not now. Still, I probably should know what I'm writing about. So I press play.
"– we... I ... It's over... Hannah and me. It's over."
I think my mouth is actually hanging open. Very unladylike and very unattractive, but that's my reaction. I did not expect this. I hoped for it, but I didn't expect it.
"I ended it just after we got back from Vegas. It wasn't fair on her for me to let things carry on. When my heart will always belong to someone else... I know I shouldn't tell you – "
What is wrong with this stupid machine?! It's like it waits til the crucial part of the message and then cuts off with its torturous 'to be continued' beep. This sixth message had better be him, else whoever it is will wish they never even met me.
"Message six..."
~ i don't expect a call 'cause my apology's belated ~ i'm sorry ~ and i miss you all my life
"I'm sorry I'm taking up so much space on here... I know I shouldn't be telling you all this. But I know I'd regret it forever if I knew I'd never made this call... I don't expect you to call back. I left it far too long before apologising, and I'm dumping all my feelings on you when you've moved on..."
This time the pause is quite long, and then his tone has changed when he comes back.
"This is wrong... Ignore the whole bunch of messages. I'm so sorry. I've been selfish. I'm sorry."
That's it. The answer phone is telling me the same old nonsense about when he called, as I sit in the otherwise silent house and stare at my trembling hands. He still loves me. He didn't say it directly, but that is what he meant. Right? I'm not just misinterpreting it with my wishful thinking? He's still in love with me. I don't know whether to smile or cry. So I'll continue to do both.
Oh, who's this? I'm really not in any fit state for visitors. Although, it might be Warrick, he said he'd call round when his case was done. I feel bad now for cursing him, when I heard the knock. He's bringing me breakfast.
"Gil?!" Could that have come out any squeakier?
"Hey."
I'm desperately trying to show surprise rather than elation. I hope it's working.
"What are you... doing here?"
He takes a deep breath before he speaks. "I left a couple of messages on your answerphone."
I nod. "Yeah, I got them." Nonchalant, excellent.
"Oh... Well, then you'll know I didn't really want you to hear them."
"Yeah." Still cool. Doing well.
"I rang Warrick, to see if - " he pauses for a second and laughs slightly. He's so gorgeous when he laughs. No, quick, hide that adoring smile.
"- if maybe he could come round here and delete them before you got to them."
"Ah, obviously he said no."
"Yeah. He basically told me to 'get off my blind, lazy, dumb ass and get round here and do it myself.'"
Sounds like Warrick. "So, you've come from LA to break into my house and erase my answering machine messages?" I think I'm coming across rather hard, but if I don't put this face on, I'll just fling my arms around him and kiss him for the rest of my life. And I have to be sure that he wants that.
"No. I decided that would be unfair... and illegal."
"True. So why are you here?" I'm sure he can hear my heart beating. I can hear it so loudly I almost can't hear what he's saying.
He looks so nervous, and I'm being so cruel to him, questioning him like this. And I've left him standing on the doorstep.
"I'm sorry. Do you want to come in?" I ask, finally. Where the hell is my logical thought control?
"Thanks." He steps inside, and we walk into the lounge.
"Can I get you a drink?"
"No, thanks. I'm ok... Cath, am I wrong to take it as a good sign that you've heard those messages, and you haven't shut the door in my face?"
He sounds frantic. I smile softly to show that I am pleased that he's there. "No, you're not wrong... I'm just surprised to see you. It sounded like you regretted what you said, I never expected you to turn up at the door."
"Warrick said that you and Peter have split up."
I nod confirmation that this is true. "Can't keep a secret, that one," I smile, nervously. This seems to be going where I want it to go but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Well, any further up than they went when I opened the door to find him standing outside.
"He also said... that you miss me."
That one takes me by surprise. I've never said that to Warrick. I've never told anyone that's what's going on in my head. Apparently it's more obvious than I thought.
My hesitation seems to worry him. He steps towards me.
"Cath?"
I look at him and all my efforts to not show him how much I've missed him, just fall away. "I do miss you. I miss you so much."
We step together and he strokes the side of my face, wiping away tear stains I hoped he hadn't noticed.
"I miss you too. I've missed you ever since the last time I was here... I know I hurt you, and I know you'll need time to get – "
I can't wait any longer, I lean up and press my lips against his, and it's as if we've never been apart. His lips are still as soft, and they still know mine as well as ever. They caress each other tenderly, as our arms pull ourselves closer.
When we break for air, I look at him.
"I've had time... Now I just need you."
"But – "
I put my finger across his lips to stop him.
"From this point on, we're moving forwards, not backwards. Deal?"
"Deal."
And his lips are back on mine.
As we lower onto the sofa, the phone starts to ring.
"The machine'll get it," I say as I stop him from pulling away from me to let me answer it.
"Hi! This is Catherine and Lindsey, we're not here to take your call, please leave us a message and we'll get back to you."
"Hey, Cath! It's Warrick. Sorry I'm not there yet, I've been in a meeting with Brass and the Sherriff for over an hour. I'm guessing you're asleep so I won't come round. I'll see you tonight... Oh, and I should tell you, I told Grissom that you miss him. The two of you really need to talk. You're made for each other. I hope I did the right thing. You know the best way to kill me if I didn't."
THE END
A/N: This chapter breaks from the songfic style I have used in the previous chapters as I couldn't find an appropriate song. However it does contain lyrics from "My Big Mistake" by Delta Goodrem.
Chapter Five: Messages
It's been a long day, well, night. Nick and I finally tied up a case we've been working on for two weeks though, so some good did come of it. Now I just want to collapse on the sofa and sleep. I'd collapse on my bed but I don't have the energy to make it that far.
So I drop myself onto the sofa, lean my head back and close my eyes. Then something occurs to me. I caught a glimpse of the answering machine as I sat down, and the light was blinking furiously. I doubt it's important, but just in case, I force my eyes open, reach across and hit play. Then I collapse again.
"You have six new messages..." The electronic voice tells me.
I raise my eyebrows in surprise, and settle down to see what the world had to offer me while I wasn't here to take it.
"Message one..."
"Hi, honey, it's Mom. Just wanted to see how you are. Nancy told me about you and Peter. You okay?... It's hard to make a relationship work when you're still in love with someone else. Things'll work themselves out, though. Just be patient. I'll talk to you soon. Lots of love, and a big hug for my granddaughter. And take a hug for yourself too. 'Bye!"
I can hear her smile, and I smile as well, as a tear escapes from beneath my right eyelid. Forty years old, and I want my mum. I need that hug. Everything's such a mess. I haven't stopped thinking about Gil since Warrick's engagement party, three weeks ago. That one evening managed to undo everything I had accomplished.
I ended things with Peter just after that, it wasn't fair on him to carry on pretending. I've only just told Nancy though. I wanted to deal with things in my own head before they started asking questions. Should have known they wouldn't need to ask though. Mum obviously has it all figured out.
"Message two..." the machine says after reeling off the date and time that the first message was left. Information which is really no use because I haven't reset the clock on the machine since a power cut a fortnight ago.
"Hey – "
I leap out of the seat and hit pause. I recognise the voice straight away, and suddenly I'm wide awake. What does he want? Why is he calling? He's never called! In the ten months since he left he's never called once! Why now? What does he want?
And do I want to know?
I stand and stare at the machine, its little light is blinking, reminding me someone has something to say. And as all my questions run through my mind again, I realise that there's only one way to answer them. So I press play.
"I thought I'd – "
And then I press pause. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with this. I've been longing to hear his voice, praying that he would call, but I'm not prepared. I should have been given some sort of warning. You can't just spring these things on people!
I sit on the coffee table, because that's the nearest thing to me as I feel I need to sit down, and rub my forehead. I need to do this. I need to listen to the message. I'm a big girl. I can do this. I take a deep breath, transfer myself to the sofa, and curling up at the end near the table that holds the machine, I press play again.
"– catch you before you went to work, but, obviously, you've gone..."
Now I'm angry at myself for going in early. I miss him. God, I miss him.
"... Erm... I'll... call some other time... It wasn't anything important. Er... 'bye."
I smile slightly, through the tears. The message is so him. Why wasn't I here? How did I let things come to this? Yes, I miss being with him; I miss having him love me in return; I miss holding him, falling asleep beside him, snuggling up to watch movies with him; but most of all I miss my friend. And even if I can't have all the other things back, maybe I can get the friendship back. Maybe we could at least be on a talking basis. Why wasn't I here to take the damn call?
"Actually – " the answering machine is still going and it snaps me out of my thoughts when his voice comes out of it again. My head shoots up, thinking maybe I'm just hearing things. But the voice continues.
"- I did want to talk to you... I ... wanted to... apologise – "
~ the days the weeks the months ~ the years that we have wasted ~ i'm sorry ~ i still love you
"- I never meant to hurt you. I did what I always do and retreated. I'm not good with people. I'm not good with feelings... I was scared and I pushed you away instead of letting you in... I'm not just realising this now. I just never thought you would listen before... And I didn't blame you... And I wouldn't blame you if you delete this without even listening to it. But at Warrick's party, you at least spoke to me, and I was just wondering if maybe... Er... I'm sorry. This isn't fair on you. Please just know that I'm sorry and – "
"And?" I scream leaping towards the answer machine as it beeps to inform me that it kindly cut him off at that point. I glare at it impatiently, as it tells me the message was left on 'Tuesday at two-fifty-four pm'. Inaccurate information I really don't care about! My heart is beating rapidly, and my hands are shaking, he has to have left another message. There are three messages left. He had to have called back. I need to know what he was going to say. I daren't hope that he's going to say he still loves me, but maybe he's been thinking like I have and we can try being friends again.
"Message four..."
Yes, yes, get on with it!
"Ms Willows, this is – "
"Message deleted."
I really don't care who it was.
"Message five..."
"They never give you enough space on these things," he laughs, nervously, and I laugh too as I release a sigh of relief when I hear his voice again. "I did call straight after my other message, but it was engaged... Now, I'm rambling... Get to the point... Hmm, now I'm talking to myself... Sorry. I just wanted to tell you... to ask... Hannah and I – "
My smile drops from my face and I hit pause. Oh my God. I can't handle this. If he's going to tell me they're getting married, I really can't handle this. I know I said I daren't hope he was going to say he still loves me, but that is, of course, what I was hoping for. I really can't take it if he's going to say he's marrying her. And if he's going to invite me to the wedding... That's it! That's what he's ringing for. He's apologising, because he does want us to be friends. And he wants to invite me to their wedding. Oh, God, I can't take this.
My hand reaches out to press delete. But it stops. I should at least give him the courtesy of listening to the message. It's probably a good idea to know what I'm responding to when I call to turn down the invitation. Or maybe I'll write. Yes, I definitely couldn't deal with a conversation with him. Not now. Still, I probably should know what I'm writing about. So I press play.
"– we... I ... It's over... Hannah and me. It's over."
I think my mouth is actually hanging open. Very unladylike and very unattractive, but that's my reaction. I did not expect this. I hoped for it, but I didn't expect it.
"I ended it just after we got back from Vegas. It wasn't fair on her for me to let things carry on. When my heart will always belong to someone else... I know I shouldn't tell you – "
What is wrong with this stupid machine?! It's like it waits til the crucial part of the message and then cuts off with its torturous 'to be continued' beep. This sixth message had better be him, else whoever it is will wish they never even met me.
"Message six..."
~ i don't expect a call 'cause my apology's belated ~ i'm sorry ~ and i miss you all my life
"I'm sorry I'm taking up so much space on here... I know I shouldn't be telling you all this. But I know I'd regret it forever if I knew I'd never made this call... I don't expect you to call back. I left it far too long before apologising, and I'm dumping all my feelings on you when you've moved on..."
This time the pause is quite long, and then his tone has changed when he comes back.
"This is wrong... Ignore the whole bunch of messages. I'm so sorry. I've been selfish. I'm sorry."
That's it. The answer phone is telling me the same old nonsense about when he called, as I sit in the otherwise silent house and stare at my trembling hands. He still loves me. He didn't say it directly, but that is what he meant. Right? I'm not just misinterpreting it with my wishful thinking? He's still in love with me. I don't know whether to smile or cry. So I'll continue to do both.
Oh, who's this? I'm really not in any fit state for visitors. Although, it might be Warrick, he said he'd call round when his case was done. I feel bad now for cursing him, when I heard the knock. He's bringing me breakfast.
"Gil?!" Could that have come out any squeakier?
"Hey."
I'm desperately trying to show surprise rather than elation. I hope it's working.
"What are you... doing here?"
He takes a deep breath before he speaks. "I left a couple of messages on your answerphone."
I nod. "Yeah, I got them." Nonchalant, excellent.
"Oh... Well, then you'll know I didn't really want you to hear them."
"Yeah." Still cool. Doing well.
"I rang Warrick, to see if - " he pauses for a second and laughs slightly. He's so gorgeous when he laughs. No, quick, hide that adoring smile.
"- if maybe he could come round here and delete them before you got to them."
"Ah, obviously he said no."
"Yeah. He basically told me to 'get off my blind, lazy, dumb ass and get round here and do it myself.'"
Sounds like Warrick. "So, you've come from LA to break into my house and erase my answering machine messages?" I think I'm coming across rather hard, but if I don't put this face on, I'll just fling my arms around him and kiss him for the rest of my life. And I have to be sure that he wants that.
"No. I decided that would be unfair... and illegal."
"True. So why are you here?" I'm sure he can hear my heart beating. I can hear it so loudly I almost can't hear what he's saying.
He looks so nervous, and I'm being so cruel to him, questioning him like this. And I've left him standing on the doorstep.
"I'm sorry. Do you want to come in?" I ask, finally. Where the hell is my logical thought control?
"Thanks." He steps inside, and we walk into the lounge.
"Can I get you a drink?"
"No, thanks. I'm ok... Cath, am I wrong to take it as a good sign that you've heard those messages, and you haven't shut the door in my face?"
He sounds frantic. I smile softly to show that I am pleased that he's there. "No, you're not wrong... I'm just surprised to see you. It sounded like you regretted what you said, I never expected you to turn up at the door."
"Warrick said that you and Peter have split up."
I nod confirmation that this is true. "Can't keep a secret, that one," I smile, nervously. This seems to be going where I want it to go but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Well, any further up than they went when I opened the door to find him standing outside.
"He also said... that you miss me."
That one takes me by surprise. I've never said that to Warrick. I've never told anyone that's what's going on in my head. Apparently it's more obvious than I thought.
My hesitation seems to worry him. He steps towards me.
"Cath?"
I look at him and all my efforts to not show him how much I've missed him, just fall away. "I do miss you. I miss you so much."
We step together and he strokes the side of my face, wiping away tear stains I hoped he hadn't noticed.
"I miss you too. I've missed you ever since the last time I was here... I know I hurt you, and I know you'll need time to get – "
I can't wait any longer, I lean up and press my lips against his, and it's as if we've never been apart. His lips are still as soft, and they still know mine as well as ever. They caress each other tenderly, as our arms pull ourselves closer.
When we break for air, I look at him.
"I've had time... Now I just need you."
"But – "
I put my finger across his lips to stop him.
"From this point on, we're moving forwards, not backwards. Deal?"
"Deal."
And his lips are back on mine.
As we lower onto the sofa, the phone starts to ring.
"The machine'll get it," I say as I stop him from pulling away from me to let me answer it.
"Hi! This is Catherine and Lindsey, we're not here to take your call, please leave us a message and we'll get back to you."
"Hey, Cath! It's Warrick. Sorry I'm not there yet, I've been in a meeting with Brass and the Sherriff for over an hour. I'm guessing you're asleep so I won't come round. I'll see you tonight... Oh, and I should tell you, I told Grissom that you miss him. The two of you really need to talk. You're made for each other. I hope I did the right thing. You know the best way to kill me if I didn't."
THE END