She stood like that, gazing at Carter, stunned into immobility. Time
passed, and she considered her options. She could go about her business,
waiting for him to wake up, hoping he wouldn't wake up before she left.
She could wake him up and talk to him about everything. But was she even
ready to talk to him? Had she decided how she even felt about all that had
happened between them? In that case, she could just wake him up and kick
him out. Tell him to get the Hell out of her apartment, and what right did
he have to just let himself in, anyway? He had left without any real
intention of telling her he was leaving, ran off to the African jungle to
save lives, or whatever, and didn't even consider how she might feel.
Didn't he? Was she being unfair?
Her emotions had built up all around her in the two weeks he'd been gone, so much so that she couldn't find her way out. All she knew for sure was that he'd hurt her, more deeply than she knew how to express. Not only had he left without apparently meaning to tell her that he was going, but he hadn't contacted her in all the time he'd been gone. Before all this crap had happened, they'd been practically living together, and then the shit just hit the fan all at once: Eric got sick and needed her help, Gamma died, and then Eric...oh, Eric. He hadn't meant to do any of that stuff, but he'd just walked right in and made a mess of everything. No, I made a mess of everything, she thought to herself. But Carter did, too. He turned away from me in the same way he'd always accused me of turning away from him. What was I supposed to do? Abandon my brother to the disease that was going to destroy him? I had almost lost him to suicide, to himself, and I wasn't going to risk that again...But now, I think I may have lost Carter instead...
And then, there was the dream she'd just had. You know how you can have a dream about someone, and it makes you so angry at them, but they didn't actually do anything? It's so unreasonable, but you can't help it; you're pissed. That was the dream Abby had just had. Carter came back from the Congo, only it wasn't this trip; he had come back and gone back again because...why? Oh, yeah, because Luka...Luka, they had thought he was dead, but he really wasn't. So Carter went back to find him, and sent Luka back with a letter. A letter for her. A letter that pretty much gave her the brush off and told her they were over, but with only vague explanations. "It's not you, it's me," it said. Such bullshit! And somehow, the whole ER read it, and she was so ashamed. Because it proved she wasn't good enough, that she'd screwed up the only non-screwed-up thing in her life and it had left her with nothing. Empty, a vacuum of sadness.
So what had she done? So unlike her, she'd picked up the pieces of her life and decided to go back to medical school. She'd braved asking Richard for a favor, made him cosign a loan, and gone back to school. And then...oh, and then Carter came back. With someone. Someone pregnant. And beautiful, and together, and ten minutes after he had written his "Dear Abby" letter. Such a funny joke, that title. Normally an allusion to asking for advice, not writing off a year long relationship.
As Abby remembered her dream, she broke out of her daze and returned to the stove, where the kettle was starting to whistle. Shit! She thought, hoping the sound didn't wake the sleeping doctor behind her. She removed it from the burner, and glanced back around to see if he had stirred. Nope, still sleeping like a baby, she commented to herself. I don't blame him; it must've been a long trip home—I mean, back. No, this wasn't really home for him anymore, was it? Not after abandoning her the way he had. Abandoned? Was that what had happened? Does leaving without really saying goodbye count?
Abby poured the hot water into her mug, letting the bag absorb the liquid and create her soothing beverage. Her thoughts returned to the dream...Ah, yes, Carter had returned with a British "chippy", who was carrying their love child. Kem, Abby recalled, the name filling her mouth with an awful taste. She had toured the hospital, being inquisitive and talkative and so...unlike Abby. He had seemed happy, but not Carter happy. Just...deliriously happy. Existing in some kind of suspended reality. And Abby and Carter didn't talk, not really. He visited her when she was on her NICU rotation, making some comment about her being a good doctor, and Abby had commented that he would be a good father. Now, awake, she remembered the comment painfully, as she realized that she herself had dreamed of the children they might one day have. Not that she had ever told him. Not that she ever had the courage to tell him the barest truths about herself, like that she had been scared to have children with Richard, and that she had had an abortion. Or that with Carter, those fears seemed to disappear because their love was so...what? It certainly hadn't been perfect, though that's what she'd wanted to say. The perfection in their relationship came when no one else was involved. Not Eric, not Maggie, not Gamma, not anyone. In those moments when they were just...them. Simple.
Although, it's not as if those moments were all that common, or all that long-lived. In their year together, it seemed that they could only hang onto those moments very briefly. Ah, but they were wonderful. Chaos and all.
She smiled sadly to herself, thinking of this, and sat down with her tea at the kitchen table. She allowed herself, for an instant, to look up at Carter, still dozing on the couch, and the smile drifted from her face. He seemed more peaceful, as if whatever uncomfortable thoughts had been running through his brain had ceased. What had he seen in the Congo? Abby could only begin to imagine the sickness, the death, the suffering. Does that change a person? And if so, how much? Would he even be the same Carter she had known only two weeks ago?
Once again, her mind drifted back to her dream, only ended not a half hour before, and she look down into her tea. There wasn't much else to it; Kem had returned to Africa, leaving a destitute and insomniac Carter behind. And yet...he was still more optimistic, seemingly, than he had been when with Abby. Had she really dragged him down so?
Now the anger she had felt from the dream turned to sadness and grief for what she had lost when Carter got on that plane to the Congo. No, he hadn't really returned with a pregnant girlfriend, no, Abby wasn't back in medical school, but there was a distance between them, a palpable distance. One that would take a thousand expert engineers to build a bridge over.
Her emotions had built up all around her in the two weeks he'd been gone, so much so that she couldn't find her way out. All she knew for sure was that he'd hurt her, more deeply than she knew how to express. Not only had he left without apparently meaning to tell her that he was going, but he hadn't contacted her in all the time he'd been gone. Before all this crap had happened, they'd been practically living together, and then the shit just hit the fan all at once: Eric got sick and needed her help, Gamma died, and then Eric...oh, Eric. He hadn't meant to do any of that stuff, but he'd just walked right in and made a mess of everything. No, I made a mess of everything, she thought to herself. But Carter did, too. He turned away from me in the same way he'd always accused me of turning away from him. What was I supposed to do? Abandon my brother to the disease that was going to destroy him? I had almost lost him to suicide, to himself, and I wasn't going to risk that again...But now, I think I may have lost Carter instead...
And then, there was the dream she'd just had. You know how you can have a dream about someone, and it makes you so angry at them, but they didn't actually do anything? It's so unreasonable, but you can't help it; you're pissed. That was the dream Abby had just had. Carter came back from the Congo, only it wasn't this trip; he had come back and gone back again because...why? Oh, yeah, because Luka...Luka, they had thought he was dead, but he really wasn't. So Carter went back to find him, and sent Luka back with a letter. A letter for her. A letter that pretty much gave her the brush off and told her they were over, but with only vague explanations. "It's not you, it's me," it said. Such bullshit! And somehow, the whole ER read it, and she was so ashamed. Because it proved she wasn't good enough, that she'd screwed up the only non-screwed-up thing in her life and it had left her with nothing. Empty, a vacuum of sadness.
So what had she done? So unlike her, she'd picked up the pieces of her life and decided to go back to medical school. She'd braved asking Richard for a favor, made him cosign a loan, and gone back to school. And then...oh, and then Carter came back. With someone. Someone pregnant. And beautiful, and together, and ten minutes after he had written his "Dear Abby" letter. Such a funny joke, that title. Normally an allusion to asking for advice, not writing off a year long relationship.
As Abby remembered her dream, she broke out of her daze and returned to the stove, where the kettle was starting to whistle. Shit! She thought, hoping the sound didn't wake the sleeping doctor behind her. She removed it from the burner, and glanced back around to see if he had stirred. Nope, still sleeping like a baby, she commented to herself. I don't blame him; it must've been a long trip home—I mean, back. No, this wasn't really home for him anymore, was it? Not after abandoning her the way he had. Abandoned? Was that what had happened? Does leaving without really saying goodbye count?
Abby poured the hot water into her mug, letting the bag absorb the liquid and create her soothing beverage. Her thoughts returned to the dream...Ah, yes, Carter had returned with a British "chippy", who was carrying their love child. Kem, Abby recalled, the name filling her mouth with an awful taste. She had toured the hospital, being inquisitive and talkative and so...unlike Abby. He had seemed happy, but not Carter happy. Just...deliriously happy. Existing in some kind of suspended reality. And Abby and Carter didn't talk, not really. He visited her when she was on her NICU rotation, making some comment about her being a good doctor, and Abby had commented that he would be a good father. Now, awake, she remembered the comment painfully, as she realized that she herself had dreamed of the children they might one day have. Not that she had ever told him. Not that she ever had the courage to tell him the barest truths about herself, like that she had been scared to have children with Richard, and that she had had an abortion. Or that with Carter, those fears seemed to disappear because their love was so...what? It certainly hadn't been perfect, though that's what she'd wanted to say. The perfection in their relationship came when no one else was involved. Not Eric, not Maggie, not Gamma, not anyone. In those moments when they were just...them. Simple.
Although, it's not as if those moments were all that common, or all that long-lived. In their year together, it seemed that they could only hang onto those moments very briefly. Ah, but they were wonderful. Chaos and all.
She smiled sadly to herself, thinking of this, and sat down with her tea at the kitchen table. She allowed herself, for an instant, to look up at Carter, still dozing on the couch, and the smile drifted from her face. He seemed more peaceful, as if whatever uncomfortable thoughts had been running through his brain had ceased. What had he seen in the Congo? Abby could only begin to imagine the sickness, the death, the suffering. Does that change a person? And if so, how much? Would he even be the same Carter she had known only two weeks ago?
Once again, her mind drifted back to her dream, only ended not a half hour before, and she look down into her tea. There wasn't much else to it; Kem had returned to Africa, leaving a destitute and insomniac Carter behind. And yet...he was still more optimistic, seemingly, than he had been when with Abby. Had she really dragged him down so?
Now the anger she had felt from the dream turned to sadness and grief for what she had lost when Carter got on that plane to the Congo. No, he hadn't really returned with a pregnant girlfriend, no, Abby wasn't back in medical school, but there was a distance between them, a palpable distance. One that would take a thousand expert engineers to build a bridge over.