Well, I saw how Ted's hand could've been beckoning to me. It was hacked off a bit above the wrist, pretty messily. Poor guy. I know what that's like, and it's not fun. Though it doesn't hurt as much as you'd think, you really just go numb after a second. On the other hand, I don't know what it's like to get big ugly nails driven through a wrist, an elbow on the side where there's no wrist to nail, and both ankles. Probably stings. Or maybe Ted was just being a big baby, the way he was all wide-eyed and screaming himself ragged.

Anyway, I don't like hearing people scream, it makes me nervous. So I ran as fast as I could away from him, to the front door of the cathedral, farthest from the altar. But then I screeched to a stop. The biggest Deadite I've ever seen was standing in front of it. Well, not counting the big tree thing it was the biggest. It was big enough that it filled the doorway completely with rancid yellow flesh full of tiny fatty bubbles. Every couple of seconds a bubble would pop, and a little yellow trail of fat would flow down the thing's skin. I did not want to push that out of the way, so I just stopped in front of it and stared. I may have gibbered.

It raised a thick hand and pointed toward Ted. I shook my head. "Uh-uh. Look, we're both Deadites here, you can just let me through, can't you... buddy?"

It shook its massive head, flinging drops of fat, and spoke in a deep gurgle. "Go to the altar." I just stood there wiping greasy crap off my face. "Go!"

When a thing like that tells you to do something, you get a certain inclination to obey. At least I did. I ran away from the thing, right up the center aisle of the cathedral, running so fast I didn't really notice that I was headed straight for Ted until I'd smacked clear into the altar.

Nailed up off-center like he was, Ted was crooked on the cross, his limbs bent up like a big pink crab already half eaten. He was still whimpering a bit, but not really full-out screaming anymore. I guess that was when I realized he was naked. Now, I'm not, you know, that way, not at all, I'd rather have a good woman than a hot meal, but the naked part still made everything just a little weirder.

Because now that I knew Ted was naked, I didn't feel quite right touching him, but I didn't want to get much farther away either, because suddenly we were surrounded by Deadites. I hopped on the altar next to Ted, clinging to his cross. Well, actually I started out clinging to him, but then I realized what I was doing and switched.

The Deadites tightened their ring, and more streamed in the cathedral doors, surrounding the altar completely with row after row of the shambling dead. They didn't attack. They started to chant. "Kill the boy. Kill the boy." Their voices were as dark and rotted as their faces, and it took me a moment to realize that they weren't talking about me, they were talking to me. Oh.

"Hey, wait a minute here, Ted's a friend of mine, I can't just kill him."

The chanting stopped. One small Deadite, almost a skeleton but with a few wet parts still clinging to the bones, stepped forward, so close I could smell its stinking breath. "Our ancient legends tell of a man named Ashley, who became a great Deadite king. The old spirit that runs through the forests and dark bowers has seen you and knows you for the same man. And so we entreat you, Ashley, to perform the flesh sacrifice and retake the Charnel Crown."

I blinked. Something about being king maybe? That was cool. But something about a sacrifice. Probably not good.

"Forget it," I said. "Find yourself some other sucker, I'm outta here." I grabbed Ted and started to walk away with him. I guess I kind of forgot about the nails.

There was an awful ripping sound, and less blood than you'd think. Ted's upper body collapsed off the cross into my arms, his feet still nailed down. He didn't make any sounds worse than a gurgle, and I don't think he was all the way awake. I didn't know what to do. Pulling his feet off the cross would hurt him even worse, but I couldn't do anything with them still nailed on, and the feet were nailed up high enough that I couldn't even put Ted down. And even if I could've gotten him free, we were still surrounded by hundreds of Deadites. Just when I was starting to panic, Ted solved my problem handily. He died.

Once I saw he wasn't breathing, I didn't feel so bad about dropping him, even if his feet did tear messily off their nail. Anyway, I didn't stick around to pick up the pieces, but jumped off the altar into the crowd of Deadites.

They grabbed me, and I was smothered in them, covered in their rotting flesh until I couldn't see or smell anything else. But then they lifted me up, over their heads, and carried me the way football teams carry the guy who makes the winning touchdown. At least I guess that's what it's like. I was on the badminton team in high school, what do I know?

The dead things carried me out of the cathedral, out into a huge cavern. And when I say huge, I don't mean like airplane hangar huge, or even my ex-girlfriend's ass huge. I mean you could fit a small planet in that place huge. There were layers and layers of ledges, and ramps, and stairs, all leading down to an enormous circular floor at the bottom, where I was. It wasn't really well lit, but there were torches in all the nooks and crannies, so I could see things near the edges at least.

It wasn't really full of Deadites. There were a bunch of them, maybe a couple hundred, but the cavern was so big that a couple hundred wasn't anything at all. But they were all running towards me, or the crowd that was carrying me.

They carried me to the center of that big floor. There was a little rocky shrine-looking thing in the middle, and they set me down in front of it. I was too surrounded with Deadites to get away, so I looked at the shrine thing. There was a little door on the side of it. Something would probably bite me if I opened it. But I looked around, and saw about three hundred things that would definitely bite me if I didn't. Probably's better than definitely, so I went for it.

Nothing bit me. There were two things tucked inside the shrine. One was a sword. Kind of rusty, but a big-ass broadsword with decorations like blood vessels and a handle carved to look like a dragon's claw. Very nice. Call it Freudian, but there's something about having a big, thick, studly sword in my hand that just makes me happy. And this was as studly as swords get. I took it out of the shrine and gave it a few practice swings. The balance was perfect, and it was even bigger and sharper than it had looked inside the shrine. Oh God. This was better than sex. I brought the blade up to my face and licked it.

Around then I sort of noticed the several hundred people--Deadites, whatever--standing around staring at me while I made an ass of myself and got rust on my tongue. I put the sword down and held it behind my back sheepishly, then went to get the other thing from the shrine.

It was a crown carved from bone. Bones, actually, because it was made in several parts held together with some nasty-looking twine. The carving was amazing, with little coronets and crenellations and all kinds of frilly things all around. It was like frozen lace. Well, frozen, smelly lace. The bone still had bits of rotting flesh on it. But so what? I had bits of rotting flesh on myself. No reason to criticize the perfectly nice crown. Not sure what I was getting myself into, I put it on.

The same little skeleton guy who' d been lecturing me before stepped to the front of the crowd. "Hail, King Ashley!" he yelled.

The others joined in, until hundreds of Deadites were screaming in their decomposing voices. "Hail, King Ashley!"

I played with my sword a little and leaned back against the shrine. It was good to be the king.