PLEASE READ AND REVIEW: I've been delighted with the thoughtful, thought-provoking reviews I've gotten. It's been wonderful, and a big help.

AUTHOR'S NOTES AND RESPONSES TO REVIEWS ARE AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.

CHAPTER 19: LATE NIGHTS

YAMI'S NARRATIVE

Kaiba was finally having fewer nightmares, but he was also sleeping less, and missing far too many meals. I had lived as a spirit for 3,000 years, but I have never seen anyone so careless of his body's needs as Kaiba. In this, as in all things, he was casually self-destructive.

And yet, an unquenchable flame burned within him, constantly seeking an outlet. Blue fire burns brightest, and it called to me. I had been trapped in a puzzle for 3,000 years, briefly surfacing to protect Yugi and to duel. Now everything was new. I had a body that was my own – to use or risk as I pleased, and Kaiba was my guide.

For he was drawn to danger, as if he needed its scent to feel fully alive, to be reminded that he wanted to stay alive. He was desperate to feel anything. Now for the first time, comradeship had been blended into the heady mix of adrenaline and fear that he knew so well.

As for me, I had always taken risks, but they were measured and meant to serve my grim purposes. Racing with Kaiba furthered no goal, except to make me feel more intensely alive. I never knew my own mortality so surely as when I was with him; driving too fast, flying too low, diving from the cliffs of the Kaiba Mansion to the sea below. I had caught the exhilaration of speed, of shared danger, of shared trust. And it was as intoxicating as Kaiba himself.

We never pushed the envelope too far. (An oddly appropriate expression that I had learned from him.) It was strange to realize he was actually curbing his impulses for my sake. I hoped it was more than just his innate sense of responsibility. That having found a partner in life, he no longer needed to court death as earnestly.

Each race was heated, each contest, fierce – but all were ultimately inconsequential. Competition was our common language, but we were careful to vie only over trivialities. It was the rivalry that counted, not the score. And for the first time, I did not always win. Kaiba had quicker reflexes and an affinity for all things mechanical – for anything that was man-made and could deliver speed and power. What he lacked, as always, was balance and judgement – and a touch of magic.

His rough sense of justice also hindered him; even as it both charmed and chafed at me. He would not race me in any vehicle until I had achieved what he considered an 'acceptable level of proficiency' in its use. It put him at a distinct disadvantage, which he accepted as he did all disadvantages, without remark. In some ways, I was never his true rival; he was fighting against defeat itself.

Being a protector had been my mission and my identity. But that role was worse than useless now. The days when Kaiba had desperately needed a defender were long gone. He had learned to fend for himself, like a feral creature. What he needed now, was not a protector, but a healer, or maybe some combination of the two – a Dark Magician, made flesh.

He had learned to fight: with his mind, his body, his words, and his deck. But he had never learned to live outside of the gladiatorial arena that was his childhood. He had defeated his earthly foes. What remained, equally deadly, were the demons of his past that now fought for his heart. As much as I wanted to, I could not slay them in his place. All I could do, all I had ever been able to do, was give him the weapons and opportunity to continue his battle; to help from the sidelines. It was not my accustomed role, but I was there, I cared, and I could reach him. It would have to be enough.

For my instincts had been right the first two times we dueled. Beneath the turmoil for which he was named, was something worth saving, someone worth loving, although there were easier choices. For it was hard caring so much for someone who cared so little for himself. Loving someone, who believed that he deserved to be hated instead.

Often, while Kaiba worked or practiced, I went to Yugi's. I was still drawn to my hikari's presence -- needed to float in his thoughts and feelings, as if I was a seahorse and his mind my ocean home. The bond that stretched between us, like an invisible umbilical cord, was one that neither time, nor distance -- nor even my own deepening love for Kaiba – could snap.

Yugi felt the same pull; a craving that even Anzu's presence could not satisfy, just as our bond did not lessen his desire for her. Knowing this, I wondered – had Yugi given Kaiba to me as a present – and as an apology for the life we would no longer share?

For my aibou had sensed the attraction – no, the connection – between us, even in the days when I had assumed I knew all there was to know about Kaiba, and disliked most of it. Yugi had given me the chance to see beyond my preconceptions; the time to get behind Kaiba's fortress and find the closely guarded Seto within. To discover how the two blended, like a fused demon, into something that transcended either – both beautiful and dangerous, surprisingly thoughtful and suddenly ferocious – an Ultimate Dragon in truth as well as seeming. I looked at Yugi, curled up peacefully on the couch with Anzu, and smiled. For a moment I envied the common sense of his choice, and the tranquility it brought him. But I had a dragon to go home to.

Although it was 2:00 AM when I returned to the mansion from Yugi's house, I was not surprised to see the light still shining under Kaiba's door. I knew he would stay at the computer until forced to come to bed. But in the past weeks, the images on his screen had changed. Gone were the programs, wiring diagrams, and three-dimensional prototypes. Instead he would call up his paint box and spend hours creating impressionistic studies of duel monsters. Sometimes the images were even harder to interpret: ghostly purple clouds floated by; shadowy forests reared up in their place. I gave up trying to guess if he was actually working, or taking refuge in some private world of his own.

"You're up late." I said to the back of his head.

"So are you."

Unlike you, I was relaxing, not working. I ate dinner. And I have the sense to go to bed before I pass out."

"I can take care of myself."

I laughed silently. I longed to point out that Kaiba's idea of 'taking care of himself' had included his arranging to be adopted by a psychopath. But I knew that was the one thing I could say that would really hurt Kaiba, and the days when I wanted to wound my dragon were long gone.

Teasing him was another matter.

I was, after all, the 'King of Games'. I liked igniting his anger, always an easy task, and then seeing if I could get him to let go of it, a much more challenging feat. Of course, there was something to be said for letting sleeping dragons lie. Any move that engaged his lightning reflexes, before defusing his hot temper, usually resulted with me being pinned beneath him. His feral side aroused, he would hold me in place with a casually flung leg, as he undressed me, kissing me breathless if I moved, even as his hands and tongue made it impossible to keep still. He had finally discovered a contest I couldn't resist losing.

I had forgotten what it was like to be surprised – I had grown so used to foreseeing the next turn of the card. But even Isis's Millennium Necklace had held no dominion over Kaiba. There was a wildness to him, an unpredictability to his reactions. It was part of what made him so exciting.

I let him continue to ignore me for a moment, then came over to his chair, and stood before him, straddling his legs, and blocking his view of the screen. It was one of the few times I was taller than him.

"Let's review, shall we, Blue Eyes," I said in a deceptively friendly voice, my hands pinning him to the chair. "Since I've met you, you've been sent to the Shadow Realm and killed by your own demons, had your heart shattered, your soul trapped in a card, been imprisoned in a video game, and been kidnapped to a virtual world and turned to stone by your computer generated step-brother."

Kaiba glared at me, his eyes shooting blue flame. This was fun. I leaned forward to kiss him before he could release whatever furious retort was trembling on his lips, my tongue easing the words off of his. I could feel shoulders relax as I massaged them. Beneath me his hips tilted forward, lifting to meet mine. His back arched, and a low purr, almost a growl, started deep in his throat. I grinned. It wouldn't be me who wound up pinned to the floor this night.

I couldn't resist nibbling on his ear, drawing a hoarse groan, before whispering into it, "How did you manage to avoid being trapped by Malik in his world of darkness? It's the only thing you missed."

"Only the losers got trapped. Why are you always so sure I won't win?" he snarled.

I paused. Beneath the always-simmering anger and bruised pride was a genuine note of hurt, a feeling that I had undervalued him. Teasing him was one thing, wounding him, even with words, another. As I had told Mokuba – it was the person, not the game that mattered.

"You're right," I conceded. "I won with your cards and your help. And Malik could have shown you no darkness that you have not already faced and conquered."

I heard his swift intake of breath as I leaned against his neck. I pulled back to look at him. A faint flush grazed his cheeks and his crystalline eyes were intent, almost blank. He opened his mouth, but as usual, no words escaped. As I gazed at him, he looked both hesitant and young.

I smiled softly. Kaiba could face any challenge with icy impassivity, but the slightest praise left him off balance; vulnerable.

And irresistible, I thought, as I bent forward to claim his slightly parted lips.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is probably as close as I come to Yami/Seto fluff.

Risk taking: Both Yami and Seto seem to need to take risks. It's interesting that when Yami is part of Yugi, he's very protective of him, but has to trouble taking death defying risks every time he gets control of their body. It's particularly noticeable in the early manga episodes, when Yugi isn't even aware that Yami's there. So I started to think about how Yami would react when he was in his own body, and how he would come to terms with an attraction to risks that didn't serve a purpose, but were simply part of his make-up.

Kaiba, of course, is a lunatic. In the manga, when Yami tells him that the loser of their shadow game will experience death, he gets this big grin on his face and says something like: Great! This is the kind of extreme challenge I've been waiting for my whole life. (Of course, it's also the kind of extreme challenge he's been facing his whole life.)

Two of the many dub cuts revolve around this issue. When Pegasus' goons come after Kaiba, he jumps out of a window to escape from two unarmed men. This never made sense to me, especially as a few episodes later, it's clear what a good fighter he is. The answer, of course, is that in the subtitled DVD, they're not unarmed. Kaiba uses his briefcase to deflect their gunfire (I loved it that he had a bullet-proof briefcase), then jumps. What the dub cut, in addition to the guns, is that as Kaiba's jumping out the window, he's grinning like crazy. The same thing happens at Duelist's Kingdom. They cut out the part where Kemo comes up behind Kaiba with a gun. What you also don't get to see is the grin on Kaiba's face as the barrel is pressed against his head.

Games: As I said before, there's a significant element of gamesmanship in Kaiba's relationship with Gozaburo. It began with a chess match. The one thing that drove Seto to challenge Gozaburo for control of Kaiba Corporation was the use of his game technology for war – and the challenge itself, took on elements of an elaborate game. At the end, Gozaburo says something like losers must die. And Kaiba replies that he will remember his teachings. One of the tragic elements in Seto's character is the loss of his ability to play – since so many of the games he has engaged in have had life or death consequences. At Alcatraz, when Jounouchi is in a coma, Kaiba tells Yami that Jounouchi is lucky, that after a defeat there is nothing left but death. Yami responds that after a loss, you should feel sad, but then go on to meet the next challenge – that Jou hasn't given up, he's fighting for his life, and that's what makes him a true duelist.

I could see how competition could work in this story to help cement the relationship between Yami and Seto – I think it would be inevitable because it's who they are. But the danger is always that it could become destructive, also because of who they are. Interestingly, although he's a guy that likes to jump out of windows, I can see Kaiba being protective of Yami's physical safety. Similarly, I think Yami would be the one making sure things didn't become emotionally destructive. So as much as the chapter has fun with them playing games and taking risks, it's also about them learning to set limits.

Both of them have lived lives that are a series of challenges. It's taken me this long to realize that this story is also about challenges – but internal ones. Yami has to deal with the loss of his memories – accepting that this is one game he can't change – as well as with his separation from Yugi – deciding who he is without any memories to guide him. Kaiba had his challenged outlined for him by Yami after Alcatraz – to defeat the demons of hate, anger, bitterness and sadness eating at his soul.

UPDATE NOTE: I've been trying to update every weekend. Between real life, the holidays, and my plans to see The Return of the King as often as possible, I'm not sure if the next chapter, which is Kaiba's narrative (thought I'd forgotten about him?) will be ready by the weekend. But it will definitely be up by or before Christmas Eve.

RESPONSES TO REVIEWS:

Ceresi, Crimson Winter, Unsolvable Riddle – Yugi and Yami's relationship: What struck me in the manga is that Yami and Yugi are trying to regain Yami's memories, at least partly because they both believe it's what the other wants – and they're both afraid that if they succeed it will mean their separation. So I think the decision to become separate individuals in this story, is one they could only make if each believed it was best for their aibou. But Yugi ended up, in a sense, with both Yami and Anzu. So I think it would be important to him that Yami also found someone.

Samurai-ashes – Yami's friends: I've dealt a lot with Mokuba's fears that Yami could hurt Seto. It occurred to me that Yami's friends, with equal or greater justification could have the same fears about Kaiba.

Kagemihari, Lightning Sage, Red Dragon 4, Unsolvable Riddle – Yugi's POV: Yugi is such an important part of Yami's life, that his opinion was needed, but I find him hard to write. I think the opening scene in the manga describes him perfectly. It's recess and he's sitting inside working on a puzzle. He's turned down offers to play basketball, and gives two reasons: he doesn't like basketball and figures he's such a bad player he would make his side lose. This catches the two sides of him perfectly. He has such a sure sense of himself, and won't pretend to be someone he's not, even if it would make him more

popular. At the same time, he's kind of an odd duck, and gets bullied and teased for being different, and that has had an effect, making him a little shy and diffident.

I think he would trust that if Yami loved Kaiba, it was the right thing for him, and he's so insightful, I wanted to show him understanding just how deeply Kaiba cared for Yami. But I also wanted to show that they are separate people – that Yugi can't quite figure out just why Kaiba appeals to Yami, especially as it is the qualities that Yugi finds disturbing that attract Yami the most. Like I had Yugi and Yami both comment on Kaiba's "wildness".

Blue September, samurai-ashes – Jounouchi: Jou trusts Kaiba the least, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think he feels, that because of all the things Kaiba's done in the past, he doesn't deserve to have Yami in his life. Ironically, I think this is an assessment that Kaiba agrees with, at least in my story.

Chibi Angelic Slayer – Jounouchi narrative: It's an interesting idea, because I realized something about Jounouchi – he's a blast to write! I think his take on Yami and Yugi, as well as Kaiba's relationship with Yami would be fun. I'm not planning on including it in Cards for two reasons: unlike with Yugi, I don't think Yami would end his relationship with Kaiba because it made Jou miserable; and at this point it would be too large a detour from the rest of the story. I am playing around with a sort of companion chapter. It would be labeled Jou's POV, and if I finish it (I write really slowly), would be posted probably between Christmas and New Year's. It'll probably be short – because Jou's such a direct guy.

Kagemihari, Lightning Sage, Red Dragon 4 – Magician and Dragon: One thing I love about the manga is that the cards really reflect aspects of their owners' souls. And the two characters most identified with their cards are Yami and Kaiba.

Spirit Star – platonic love: Although this is mainly a love story where Yami and Kaiba are expressing their emotional connection through physical bond, I also wanted to explore the other kinds of love that exist between the characters – from the Kaiba brothers fierce love for each other, to Yami and Yugi's unspoken and unbreakable bond, to the developing trust and caring between ?Mokuba and Yami.

Blue September – Yami as a teenager: What can I say? You're right! I tend to forget, or overlook that Yami is a teenager, too. Possibly I give too much credit to those 3,000 years, or to my own interpretation of him as a Tolkien elf. Your review made me realize that although I try very hard to stay in character, in the end what I am true to is my own version of the characters, not the characters themselves.

Ceresi, Crimson Winter – Author's Notes: One of the many pleasant surprises I've had with this story, is that people are actually enjoying the Authors' Notes, and my own, somewhat random thoughts on Yugioh.

Seto-Kaiba's-fan, Unsolvable Riddle – length: I know, sometimes I'm surprised myself at how long this story is. Somehow it seemed shorter when I was writing it in my head. I'm glad and appreciative that so many people are sticking with it. I just hope the ending is satisfying.

AnimeFan-Artemis – angst: I kind of think that Kaiba and angst go together. Although the story is at times sad, I try not to make it depressing. And I promise not to kill Kaiba on Christmas Eve. (Although the idea has it's own kind of sick appeal.)

Fallen Angel – Thanks for the link to check my Japanese.

Unsolvable Riddle – reviews: I was thrilled, of course. Especially since I think my first three chapters got a total of three reviews. I've found the reviews, in addition to being a real joy, incredibly helpful. They have caused me to take a deeper look at how being in his own body would affect Yami, the nature of his link with Yugi, Yami'' relationship with Mokuba, Kaiba's early history and the nature of the sexual relationship between Yami and Kaiba. In fact the input from reviews has probably accounts for a lot of the increased length of the story from the first draft. The rest is Mokuba's fault.

Animebay-b – Thank you. It's important to me to know that people are continuing to enjoy the story, especially as it has turned into such a long journey.