PLEASE READ AND REVIEW: I've been delighted with the thoughtful, thought-provoking reviews I've gotten. It's been wonderful, and a big help.

AUTHOR'S NOTES AND RESPONSES TO REVIEWS ARE AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.

CHAPTER 21: SEARCHING FOR SETO KAIBA, REDUX

SETO KAIBA'S NARRATIVE

I would like to blame Gozaburo for everything. But I have to wonder – was it just greed, or did my relatives see something in me that made them so quick to dump us in that orphanage? Was it just that damn chess game, or did Gozaburo see something in me that told him how easy it would be to twist me into a heartless replica of himself? For he won our battle of wills. I've never kidded myself about that. In winning control of Kaiba Corporation, I lost myself.

When Yami shattered my heart he gave me the chance to continue that battle, even after my surrender. To this day, I can feel Gozaburo gripping my soul from the grave, trying to drag me to whatever hell he's stewing in, as if I won't arrive there anyway, without further help. The darkness that I let into my heart, that I used as both weapon and shield in our battle may be gone, but I struggle to replace it with something other than the anger and hatred that are my legacy from him. It is a fight that may never end until my much anticipated death, unless I can learn to walk away from this insane battle with a dead man.

The ability to show emotion had been beaten out of me long ago. Hell, even the ability to recognize my feelings in a reasonably timely manner was gone, or I would never have let Yami get within ten feet of me. It was part of the price I had paid for saving Mokuba. I never minded before. I mean, it's not like I saw any use in having emotions, much less revealing them, even before I hooked up with Gozaburo.

I had given myself up for dead years ago, only to now discover a faintly beating pulse. But resuscitation was another, more difficult, matter. For I had been frozen a long time, and coming back to life – regaining feeling – was a painful process. Briefly, I wondered if frostbite was not, in fact, preferable.

But I felt a grim satisfaction in the pain. Gozaburo was less thorough than he thought – it seems that the need – if not the ability – to express myself, to exhume my feelings, had survived. And so, I have found new ways to reach out; to try to finally reveal the cards in my hand.

Even years after his death, I still feel the need to justify creating games instead of weapons. So I couldn't wait to finish my new duel system, to share it with Yami.

Having someone to show it to – someone who would understand, who might even be proud of me – was such a new experience, I felt almost unlike myself. Well, unlike my public persona anyway.

Over the years, I have heard all the insults – that the only thing more gigantic than Kaiba Corporation's profits is my ego; that my conceit surpasses even my genius. My favorite, actually, is Jounouchi's: that my head is as swollen as my blimp, and more full of hot air. (What makes it even funnier is that, as usual, the mutt got it wrong: blimps contain helium.)

I don't mind, really. The slurs intimidate competitors, and keep everyone else at a distance. But I have never regarded myself as anything but a sacrifice, a chess piece on the board, a card in the deck. Like my monsters, my life points have value only as they serve to protect Mokuba or redeem my promises.

I tend to avoid mirrors. I told Yami that they'd only confirm what I already know – my hair needs a trim. Yami agreed enthusiastically. (Why is it that I live with the two guys with the messiest hair I've ever seen, and Yami's obsessed with the length of my bangs? He should take a good look at that rat's nest he calls a head – or better still, my brother's.)

Besides, I like my hair fine the way it is. On the off-chance that the eyes really are the windows of the soul (an admittedly dubious proposition), I don't want anyone getting too good a look at mine. Like I told Yami, I know what they'd see; what I see; what I am. A man who betrayed his brother. I had protected Mokuba from Gozaburo for so long, only to fail him just when I should have been strong; just when we should have been safe.

And my failure, my betrayal, would have killed Mokuba – as surely as my weapons had killed countless, faceless people – if not for the charity of my enemy. Who now lay beside me, wrapping his arms around me, trying to ease the nightmares I had earned. I didn't want Yami looking too deeply into the heart he had shattered. He would only see, what I would see every morning, if my bathroom had a mirror – Gozaburo's eyes glaring back at me from my face.

Yet sometimes I wonder what it is that Yami sees in me, that I can't see in myself. No one has ever cared about me except Mokuba, and his affection is easy to explain away. He's only a child, and I have been the one constant in his life.

When I think of all the things that I have done as Gozaburo's puppet, I don't know how Yami can stand to touch me, much less claim me as his own. Sometimes I think that he must visit Yugi after spending the night with me the way a man will take a shower to rid himself of a residue of slime.

But I can hear his voice in my head now, after our first duel, soothing me, trying to tell me that the terror I was about to face was just an illusion, that it would help me become a true duelist. I was too angry to hear the concern in his voice then, but I listen for it now and it comforts me.

Killing me after Death-T would have been as simple and as justified as shooting a rabid dog. I would have welcomed death. It would have been easy -- a little more force and my heart would have been dust; the pieces too small to ever reassemble. But he must have seen something beyond the ruthless demon that Gozaburo and I had created. I wonder what it was…

He knows me, inside and out; has walked in the dark places of my soul. Yet he seems to care anyway. Maybe it's because he hears voices in his head too, although I'd prefer Yugi's to Gozaburo's any day. Maybe it's because as a former vengeful spirit he understands anger, although his is a more controlled burn. Maybe it's because after being locked inside his own head, trapped in a puzzle for 3,000 years, he knows isolation. Ironically, I think that's why he likes Yugi's stupid friends so much. He loves Yugi, and I guess he would put up with his friends, because they are a part of him. But it's more than that – he likes hanging out with them, seeing and hearing all the trivial details of their boring lives. Maybe it's just that he accepts his separation from their world so completely, so naturally, that the gulf doesn't bother him – doesn't have the power to wound or anger.

There's something I've always wondered," he murmured one night.

I didn't respond. He'd either tell me what was on his mind – or not.

"About high school…" he continued.

Now it was time to interrupt. After my childhood, high school topped the long list of things I didn't want to talk about, and the only defense was a good attack.

"Who are you to question me about dropping out of school? Hell, you didn't last much longer than I did – and you had a damn puzzle to hide out in."

"That wasn't my question, " he said gently. "I know why you left."

I grunted. He probably did. God knows how many of my dreams he'd been wandering through. At least I'd steered him away from my high school career.

I was wrong, of course.

"You were the CEO of a major company, with no one to tell you what to do. What made you want to enroll in the first place?"

"My sheer stupidity, that's what. You want to know just how God damned dumb the great Seto Kaiba can be? I was actually trying to prove that Gozaburo hadn't won. I thought I could spend six years in Hell and just go back to being an ordinary kid doing ordinary things – that I could pretend I hadn't transformed myself into one of Hell's demons, along the way. Well, we all know how my little attempt at normalcy turned out, don't we?"

I spat out the words in the sarcastic voice I knew he hated; the rage rising within me, like steam in a pressure cooker. At that moment, I detested Yami for being blind enough to want me; for making me forget, even for an instant, what everyone knew: that there was nothing in me worth wanting. Yami had managed to do what even Gozaburo failed to accomplish – he had given me something to fear. I dreaded the inevitable day when Yami discovered that Jounouchi had been right about me all along.

"What is it you want from me? My heart – you know I don't have one. My body – into necrophilia these days, are we? Shit, you don't even want my brains." I laughed, "So you tell me – what the hell does a yami need with more darkness?"

He took a step towards me, as I screamed, "Damn you! Why can't you hate me like everyone else? You will in time, you know – and I don't feel like waiting."

"Stop it!" he demanded as he reached me. For once, his voice was as loud as mine. I could feel the self-loathing rising up; choking me. Then, all I could feel was Yami's mouth devouring mine, his teeth nibbling at my lower lip, drawing a trickle of blood like an offering, his frenzied hands ripping off my clothes, running down my chest, lifting my hips, until his body covered mine, finally made it part of his. I lost awareness of everything but need and sensation; lost awareness of everything but his touch; his body taking mine. I was staggered by the emotions raging through me; stunned to discover that strongest of all was the feeling of peace and safety I gained in his arms: the delusion that I had finally come home.

Beneath the passion in his eyes, I had seen something unexpected – apprehension – even a touch of panic. It was possible that I had given him something to fear too: that he dreaded the inevitable day when I would give up on us, when I would simply decide the cost of caring was too high and push him away for good. It seems he had given me the power to shatter his heart in return – along with the desire to guard it instead; to keep it safe within my own. It was strange to gain a power over my rival that I never wanted to use…

And it seems that the only person I can relate to is a newly liberated 3,000 year old spirit from a puzzle. I guess that's progress, of sorts.

Yami also teased me in more conventional ways. He once got me to eat an Atlas Moth caterpillar, a Thysania Agrippina, to be exact, on a dare. The damn thing was almost four inches long. I stood there, my mouth full of furry, still-wriggling bug, waiting for Yami to drop its mate into his own mouth. But he had crossed his arms instead, smirked and said, "It's not always a bad thing to lose, Blue Eyes."

I didn't know whether to throw him on the ground and spit the half-eaten caterpillar into his mouth, or kiss him senseless. In the end, I had decided to do both – and anything else that occurred to me. After all, we were secluded: they were my grounds, and my lover – who was lying beneath my taller body as I slowly explored his now bug-free mouth, leisurely caressed every inch of his perfect body, gradually drove crazy in every way possible, before finally claiming him. I was learning fast – some games can be won in variety of ways.

Strange as it sounds, and much as I enjoy it – it's unsettling – almost disturbing – to be around someone who likes me, who teases me, who makes me feel like the teenager I have never allowed myself to be. Who might even say that he loved me, if he thought I was ready to hear it.

I have tried for years to defeat the hatred in my soul with the force of my rage. Perhaps it is time to try something new. I know I should be pleased that I have somehow found my way into Yami's arms – and I am. But happiness is such an unfamiliar companion, that I don't know how to invite him in, how to make him at home in my heart. At times, I can not stop myself from resisting the joy that is invading my soul. And it has been so long since I have been willing to pay hope's price. Yet I refuse to back down now -- that would be too final a surrender. I have no choice but to try to fight my way to this uncertain future.

Yami's power I understand. It is his tenderness that confuses me. I had never thought that I would want to be touched by another person. For that matter, I never dreamed that anyone would want to touch me, without being paid for it. Although he has seen the scars, at times Yami kisses me as though I was made of spun glass, as though I would break if roughly handled, as though it would matter if I did. I have been without affection for 17 years. Now, each caress is like a match in a summer forest, like a glass of water poured on the desert sands. I burn, I drink in his touch, and am greedy for more.

Trusting someone, being part of them, being cared for – all the things Yami offered – all the things he wanted in return – were precisely the things I had forbidden myself. They had been luxuries I could not afford if I was to survive. And so, I told myself they didn't matter. I had something better – control.

I have always been the one in charge. Protecting Mokuba, redeeming my promises, running Kaiba Corporation. With Yami, I am discovering the luxury of letting go. He is endlessly patient, waiting until I can allow myself to trust, to give myself, to share something that would resemble love, if I could bring myself to believe in that trite and over-hyped emotion.

Maybe Yami is cunning as well as wise. I could never be forced, but I can be so easily seduced. Abuse, I can resist or endure. Against his combination of strength and gentleness, I have no defense.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This chapter was influenced by the manga and subtitled DVDs that I've seen of Alcatraz (I haven't seen all of them.) On the way to Alcatraz, Kaiba tells Mokuba that he has to win, because that's the only way he can free himself from Gozaburo's influence, and "win a true future" for himself. Later, as he's dueling Yami, he tells him that he isn't motivated by revenge for his previous losses – but that Yami represents the past to him (ancient or recent – it's clearly all the same to Kaiba), and he hates his past (he describes it as filled with pain an ugliness), so beating Yami will prove that he can defeat his past. That's why he's so stunned when he loses. He takes it to mean that his past is inescapable – although Yami tries to tell him that he has picked the right battle, but is using the wrong weapons.

What I find moving about this, is that in his own uniquely stupid, stubborn way (I mean all those who think you can learn to accept a troubled past by beating someone in a card game on a man made island holding the remains of your psychotic adoptive father's weapons factory – raise your hands.) Kaiba is truly trying to change his life. No matter how wrongly he's going about it, there's no denying the sincerity of his desire, or its poignancy.

Later, when Mokuba reminds him that he has promised to let his bitterness sink into the ocean with Alcatraz, Kaiba stops short; suddenly realizing that much as he needs to and wants to do this – he doesn't know if he can.

Yugi and friends: I think Kaiba would find being around Yugi's friends disturbing for a number of reasons. I think, when you're younger, say Mokuba's age, you just accept that your family is the same as everyone else's. Like at Duelist's Kingdom, you can almost hear Mokuba saying, "Doesn't everyone have to worry about being kidnapped by a lunatic trying to steal his brother's company – because this IS normal life for him. But Kaiba is older. He knows just how bizarre his life has been – how different. And he's both proud and sensitive – always a bad combination. So I think he'd find being around them a reminder of how different he is, how different his past has been – and he might see that as a vulnerability to be hidden.

Noa's Arc: Although the dub of Noa's Arc is, by 4-Kids standards, reasonably faithful, one thing that really annoys me, is the way they gloss over both Kaiba's role in designing weapons, and his guilt over it. It's the one thing, above all else, that drives him to try and take over Kaiba Corporation – because he realizes that the only way to get Kaiba Corporation to stop using his designs is by taking it over. In the subtitled DVD, Gozaburo gives him the money and tells him to increase it by 10 times over. When Seto accepts, Gozaburo taunts him, telling him that he's just signed his life away, and that he can't do it. Seto also knows this is impossible. But his aim is to use the money to take control of Kaiba Corporation. He makes it clear that he uses every underhanded trick in to book to accomplish this, but unlike in the dub version, he's not boasting about what he's done. While it would be too much to say that he has any regrets, neither is he proud of his actions. He's simply done what he felt he needed to; and as always is willing to leave any consideration of ethics, or internal emotional damage for later – it's simply not a luxury he can afford. The matter of fact way he relates his actions, neither asking for praise, blame, or even understanding, makes it especially moving – and chilling.

RESPONSES TO REVIEWS:

Spirit Star – Kaiba's feelings about Yami and Yugi's bond: That was a great question. However, I can't answer it yet. When I read your review I realized that although I had thought a lot about the rather conflicted feelings Kaiba would have about Yugi, and about his relationship with Yami, I had only included about two sentences in Kaiba's next narrative (Chapter 23). Anyway, you reminded me that it's not enough to have this stuff in my head – it actually needs to be on paper (so to speak) too. I started out by increasing the length of his internal thoughts, then decided I really should prod him a little and see if I can get him to use actual words. I think it will improve the chapter – I was never too happy with that part of it – so thank you for your comments.

Crimson Winter, Kagemihari, samurai-ashes – Roles, protectiveness, caring: Early on, Kaiba notes that although he is stronger, and the better fighter, Yami is the one trying to take care of him. Yami also realizes early on (although he doesn't like it) that he can't protect him in the conventional sense. What he can do, and I think does, is make him feel cared for, and accept Kaiba and his limitations. I think Kaiba also takes care of Yami in less obvious ways – teaching him how to drive, in a sense how to be part of this century, and maybe, by example, how to face up to life and its decisions, even (perhaps especially) when there are no good choices.

Kaiba thinks he 'can take care of himself' but actually what he does is use himself to take care of Mokuba. I frequently want to shake some sense into Kaiba, myself. However, I've given him a lover with the patience to let him discover his feelings, try to learn to trust, at his own pace. Yami can't physically protect Kaiba – I think that makes him more protective of his heart.

Crimson Winter, Lightning Sage – Teasing, competition: In the manga there's one adorable scene where Yugi goes into Yami's soul room. Yami sneaks up behind him. Yugi jumps about a foot in the air, and Yami winks at him. It made me think that there's probably a playful, teasing side in there, that maybe Kaiba would bring out – if only because he's so much fun to tease. However, a lot of Yami's games, as always, have a point.

Samurai-ashes – Kaiba's unhappiness: What I find tragic about Kaiba's defenses is that they may be killing him now, but once they were necessary for his and Mokuba's survival. So I think he would have a very hard time letting go of them.

AnimeFan-Artemis, Lightning Sage, Red Dragon 4 – fluff: Red Dragon 4 described the chapter as "dark fluff" as description I love. I guess, with a story like this, some comic relief is necessary – besides, even these two can't be grim all the time.

Kagemihari – Cards: One thing I love about the manga is that the cards really represent their user's souls – so the deck you end up with is no accident.

Kagemihari, laura m, Seto-Kaiba's-fan – Chapters fitting together and length: One advantage of writing at least a first draft as one uninterrupted story is that it allowed me to make sure there was a lot of continuity, and that things didn't just get dropped. Of course this sometimes means that character's actions or thoughts don't become totally clear until a later chapter, and sometimes two or three have to be read together for a full picture to emerge. I kind of wondered if people would find this intriguing or annoying, so I'm really glad that people are still enjoying reading the story, as much as I am enjoying writing it.

Animebay-b, Lone Wolf 55, Zoe – Thank you. I'm really pleased you're still enjoying the story, and I like hearing from you.