Please Read and Review: Everyone's been great, and I would love to know how you think the conclusion's going.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS THE END OF THE DUEL, BUT NOT THE END OF THE STORY. THERE ARE 2 ½ CHAPTERS LEFT AFTER THIS ONE.
ADDITIONAL AUTHOR'S NOTES AND RESPONSES TO REVIEWS ARE AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.
CHAPTER 25: KAIBA'S CARD
SETO KAIBA'S NARRATIVE
I stared at the card in my hand. I stood taller, and faced my lover, my rival. I would face this defeat, as I faced my life, with pride. I tried to tell myself that even at this moment, I should feel success, not failure. My system had surpassed my wildest dreams. I had put my soul into its creation, and it had rewarded me. For the first time in a long time, I had picked up a deck and played. Maybe I would even teach Mokuba.
Better still, my fears, which had seemed as real as my holographic monsters, had proved as insubstantial. Yami was trying his hardest to win. He would offer, and I would accept, no less than his best. But for the first time, I had exposed my weaknesses to another human being – who had inexplicably refrained from destroying me. Yami was dueling as if he saw some value in me beyond the end of the game. As if this duel was the final proof of his love.
As I had drawn my last card, I had seen my life flash before my eyes, as a drowning man's is said to do. I wouldn't know, myself – drowning wouldn't be my favorite form of self-destruction.
And the task before me was different, as was the challenge I desperately wanted to master: to accept my undeserved fortune. I had a brother whom I had betrayed in the most profound way possible; and who accepted what I could not: that I had tried my best to protect him and failed. That I could guard him from the orphanage bullies, from Gozaburo, but not in the end, from myself. It wasn't that he didn't know. It was that he looked at the sum total of my life and didn't care. And for the first time, I wondered who's math was at fault – his, or mine?
I had a person, who even now, even in the privacy of my own mind, I could barely bring myself to call a lover – who loved me anyway. Who would be waiting for me. Who would leave the arena by my side. Who would be with me tonight when the celebrations had faded away; who would be in my arms tomorrow as I faced the dawn. This crimson-eyed spirit to whom I was bound; to whom I would hold. Who had shattered my heart, and then made it his.
In our first duels, in the beginning, I had been comforted by the hope that Yami might be my death. As I felt the warmth of my holographic sun on my face, I wondered when he had become my life instead. And I wondered if I could learn to learn to accept Yami and Mokuba's verdict in place of my own; learn to accept mercy instead of judgment; learn to be happier than I deserved.
I looked across the expanse of sand that separated us. The breeze had flicked his silly tri-colored hair – set it flying; just as it had lifted my bangs, revealing my eyes. He was too far away. I knew that. But I willed myself to believe that if I could find the words, he would hear them. And for once I wanted to say them out loud. Now… before there was a winner and a loser in our match. I needed to hear myself speak; and I would trust my conjured wind to carry my words… my feelings… home to him to him. "Yami: you are the perfect Darkness that has illuminated my life. In the game that begins as this one ends, I will match you move for move, and step for step. Everything I am, all that I have – my fire, my loyalty, the gentleness I did not know was mine to give – belongs to you. Forever."
I faced Yami and smiled. Maybe it was time to become more than a collection of promises.
But it all came back to the card in my hand.
Saggi.
The dark clown stared back at me, his smirk, so like my own, mocking my foolish hopes; tauntingly reminding me of the chances I had lost forever, the redemption I could never earn, the person I would never be, the love I would never deserve.
When Yami had asked me why I kept Saggi in my deck, I had dodged the question. But I knew. If the Blue Eyes were my pride and soul; Saggi was the pitiful child I had been. The weakling who had carried Gozaburo's viruses into the world, as Saggi carried the crush card on his bent back. For as much as I have tried to change, to be worthy of my Blue Eyes, of Mokuba's love, I carried Saggi, as I carried my past, a burden I feared I would never be rid of.
For in the end, I could not deny Saggi his place in my deck. I could not fight him any more than I could continue fighting Gozaburo from beyond the grave. I could only try to accept my defeats. To accept that although I had lost myself; had come so close to losing Mokuba – at least I could take pride in playing, always, to win. In taking my cards without complaint and throwing them down fearlessly. In playing to the best of my ability the hand that life had dealt.
But it all came down to the card in my hand.
Saggi.
And his mere 600 attack points.
I set my card, and heard the crowd gasp as Saggi cringed across the arena. I faced Yami, staring him in the eye. My face was calm. If I was to lose, once again, as a dark clown, I would at least face defeat with the pride of a dragon.
I saw a hint of grim recognition in Yami's eyes, and knew that he too was remembering our conversation. Slowly I saw Yami draw out his card, the card that would end the match. He set it in the holder, without looking at it.
I stared at the image that came to life, and blinked. But he was still there when I opened my eyes… as cute, cuddly and helpless as when I designed him. His wide eyes were rolling at me in greeting. The weakest card in the game.
Kuriboh.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Does it feel like blasphemy for Kaiba to finally win? Originally, when Cards didn't have a name and was still in the scribbles-on-scraps-of-paper stage, I had thought of having the Dark Magician defeat Saggi, as a sort of Yami saving Seto metaphor. But somewhere before the getting-on-the-computer stage, I realized my story was saying something different. That what I actually believe is that Yami can't save Kaiba. The most he can do is help inspire Kaiba to save himself, but ultimately, Kaiba is the only one who can decide what to make of his life. Then I thought of Yami telling Kaiba in the Alcatraz duel that they were evenly matched, but that Kaiba couldn't win until he tried to defeat the demons of anger and bitterness in his own heart. I thought about the Earth Reborn card, and what Kaiba was saying with it; and I knew, this once, Saggi had to win.
BTW, there was a bit of sleight of hand (another bad card pun) with Saggi in the earlier chapter where I described their decks. Saggi was the only card that didn't get a lengthy description.
Well, it's the end of the duel, but not quite the end of the story. We all know how Kaiba handles defeat (badly) – the question is, does he handle victory any better?
RESPONSES TO REVIEWS: I'd like to thank everyone for telling me what you thought of the chapter, instead of (or in addition to) telling me how evil I was for leaving you with a cliff hanger.
AnimeFan-Artemis, Anonymous, Jargonelle, Kagemihari, Lightning Sage. samurai-ashes, Tuulikki – Earth Reborn and the duel: The Earth Reborn card was made up for the story. Actually the image came first. I started to think about how this story is to a certain extent about rebirth or renewal – in the sense that Yami has been reborn into his own body, and Kaiba is learning to feel again. So I tried to think about what that would look like to Kaiba. How he might express that through game effects, since he has such a hard time expressing his emotions in words, and is more used to showing himself through his inventions. I wanted Yami to understand that he was looking at Seto's voice, and I wanted an image strong enough to do that. After I had figured out what the card looked like, I tried to figure out what it needed to do, so that the duel could end in a showdown between Saggi and Kuribo. That's why one of the card's effects is that magic and trap cards are discarded.
The duel was then written backwards, trying to figure out what cards had to be played to lead up to that point, both in terms of the duel, and the meaning of the cards themselves. For example, I wanted the cards representing Kaiba's strength to be destroyed, so he was left with only the card that he felt represented his weaknesses.
Kagemihari – Kaiba and weapons: I agree – I think of Gozaburo turning Seto's designs into weapons was a real violation, because Kaiba puts so much of himself into his creations. I think he is a true artist in this way. In the manga, Kaiba cries out that Gozaburo sold his soul to the military – and I think he means that literally. I think this is something that he can't quite forgive himself for, and it ranks up there with Death-T in his mind, which is why I often couple them together.
Chibi Angelic Slayer – Does Kaiba really believe that they're just using each other: No, I don't think Kaiba really believes that – he certainly hopes it's not true. But it's what he's used to, so in an odd way, it's comfortable and familiar to him. So in times of stress, it's the position he goes back to, or tries to. When Yami asks for his trust, he can give that to him mainly because he can't deny Yami something that's important to him, but his basic expectation of life is that it will betray him, so that's the feeling he returns to.
Desidera, Jargonelle, Kagemihari, Lightning Sage, samurai-ashes Tuulikki – Mokuba, Yami and family: Sometimes I put things in without realizing quite why I'm doing it. Until I read your reviews, I hadn't realized that not only am I have I been telling a story about a romance between Yami and Seto, but also how they are coming together as a family. And I find them an endearingly screwed up family, because in spite of their many quirks, they really do care about each other very deeply. I also think it would be natural for Mokuba to try to comfort (at times in a rather heavy-handed way) anyone he cared about. And he's certainly used to explaining Kaiba to the world.
Samurai-ashes – Kaiba staying himself: In their duels, it's striking how often Kaiba is fighting something other than his opponent. At Duelist Kingdom, he's fighting his despair over letting down Mokuba, at Alcatraz, he's clearly fighting his father. So I thought it would be important to show him actually fighting the duel going on at the moment, and to show him, even slightly, reclaiming his ability to play.
Sunrise and Sunset – Yugi-taachi: Your question made me realize something. All along, I've had the ability to expand the story, and explore areas that I thought were interesting, or that reviewers pointed out. (And I can't believe how lucky I've been, having so many thoughtful people helping me out through their comments!) But there's only 2 ½ chapters left – and I'm finally out of time. Everything is pointed towards a conclusion. It's actually the one I envisioned when I first started writing this – and about the only thing that hasn't changed along the way.
Cards is almost told, and there's simply no room to go back to the Yugi-taachi. I had originally planned to have only Kaiba and Yami narrate the story. Then I decided to include Mokuba and Yugi, since their opinions could alter the relationship. (I couln't imagine either Kaiba or Yami staying in a relationship that made their aibous unhappy.) But that doesn't apply to Yugi's friends. While Yami would prefer that they and Kaiba liked each other, I don't think he would end their relationship if his friends disapproved.
To briefly answer your question: Although most of Yugi's friends try at one point or another to befriend Kaiba, I actually think in a way, they aren't willing to accept Kaiba for who he is – which is an emotionally distant, inexpressive, troubled young man, who is never going to be comfortable being part of their circle. In the Battle City arc, it's notable that Yami is the only one who seems to understand him. Like everyone thinks that he's upset simply because he's lost; whereas Yami understands that Kaiba is facing his own demons now, and trying to deal with them as best he can. When everyone thinks Kaiba is going to blow himself up at Alcatraz because he can't face losing, Yami correctly predicts that he's planning some dramatic escape. I've gone into Jounouchi's POV in a side fic, and Yugi's in an earlier chapter. I think Anzu gets so angry at Kaiba because she expects more from him. I think she's impatient with him because she sees his potential. But I also think she might approve of his and Yami's relationship, and I think she admires Yami too much to doubt his judgment.
I agree that this interaction is interesting. I also think exploring a (platonic, please) connection between Sugoroku and Kaiba would be interesting – sort of like the ultimate loner and the world's grandfather. Maybe I should have included more, but at this point, Cards is what it is, and there's no time left to go into other areas. So, while I agree the relationship between Kaiba and the Yugi-taachi is interesting, it's something that will simply have to wait for another story. I also conceived of this story as an intense, interior story, so I think more on the Yugi-taachi will fit in better elsewhere.
animebay-b, crimson violet eyes, Desidera, Ice Rose Dragon Gurl, Jargonelle, laura m, LeafkiD – Kaiba, Yami, character development: I tried to show Kaiba gradually changing, moving in fits and starts towards accepting Yami, and towards trying to accept himself. Although the Kaiba has changed (I hope grown), I also tried to keep him the same basic person. For almost his entire life, Kaiba would have had to have been an idiot not to have gotten the message that in the end, he could rely on no one but himself. I think he would need to experience someone caring about him to really understand that his life doesn't have to be like this, that the pattern of his life isn't set in stone. I also think he has a strong sense of justice and integrity. He may recognize no rules but the ones he sets for himself, but he then follows them. So I think it would be a struggle for him to accept some of the things he's done.
samurai-ashes, Tuulikki – Kaiba and time: I agree. It's a good thing the manga makes the point that he hardly ever sleeps. I love it when they show everyone else asleep, and Kaiba's at the computer. But I find his accomplishments impressive, especially considering what an emotional mess he is. And I've always thought his workload and overwhelming list of responsibilities gets kind of taken for granted.
Female Yami/Yugi – Thank you, although I've never studied psychology (I'm really bad at remembering theories) I've thought a lot about these characters and how they might feel or act, so I'm glad that comes across.
Smoocher of Evil – Thank you for writing in. I'm glad you're enjoying the story.