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[ ] anything in these brackets is a dream.

~~~~~~~~

Two weeks had passed since I had let Legolas past one of my mental barriers. We had become almost inseparable. We would eat together and go out riding and he had patiently been trying to teach me archery. Trying being the operative word. I was hopeless, so far the arrow had not made it more than a few feet in front of me.

He was doing everything he could to make me feel happy and at home. But there are some things that he can't help me with, no one can help me. They don't go away, they're always there taunting me. I suppose thoughts aren't something that you can't just turn on and off at will- or at least I can't.

The nights were the worst.

Every day after dinner I would do the same thing. I'd take a long bath, after discovering that Legolas liked the smell of my hair I had asked one of the maids if she could get me some vanilla shampoo. The poor maid nearly had a heart attack. I laughed out loud at the memory. I hardly spoke to anyone but Legolas. Well, I had spoken to Glorfindel and Erestor. They were nice, Glorfindel had promised to teach me everything about Middle-earth and Erestor had promised to teach me how to read the elvish script.

I had totally avoided Elrond, even at dinner I sat as far away from him as I could. He reminded me of my father. Not in appearance but just in the way he acted. Elrond seemed rather aloof and strict and he was powerful, I could feel it radiating off of him in great waves. It sent shivers up my spine and dread filled me.

After my bath I would sit on the floor and examine the many scars my thighs. My arms had healed but I didn't want to take the risk of anyone finding out about what I was doing.

I would draw the razor over my skin until I felt satisfied. After I had cleaned up I would put on my night-dress and stand and stare at my awful appearance, which was always the same- I was pale and there were rings under my eyes.

The guilt would have wrapped around my heart and all the feelings of despair and pain and anger and guilt that could be squashed down during the day would come back. And my ever present thoughts of suicide and 'relief' could be pushed away. The suns rays seemed to reach into my body and help me push away everything, and for a few hours I could 'relax'.

After I had brushed my hair and put it into one single braid, I would go into my room where I knew Legolas would be waiting for me.

Since the first night that I had fallen asleep in his arms. We slept together. He knew I wanted comfort and he was there for me. I haven't told him, but I need him at night. I need to know where he is, just in case I wake up. I knew he knew something, but he never questioned me. He just accepted it, he knew that I would tell him in time. But would I, could I trust him? The last person I trusted beat me.

I looked out at the moon as I closed the drapes. The moon was the last thing that I remembered seeing before I died. I didn't want to think about it.

Legolas had told me that Lord Elrond had arranged for both of us to travel to Lothlorien. I couldn't remember why or when we were supposed to leave. I could feel the panic begin to rise as I thought about leaving Rivendell. I felt safe in Rivendell. The thought of traveling to a new place and having to face new people was terrifying.

Shaking my head I snuffed out the candles and climbed into bed beside Legolas. He didn't wear a shirt to bed- that made sense but he always wore a loose pair of leggings, they reminded me of the yoga pants that people would wear back home.

I snuggled into his bare chest as he wrapped his arms around me. His loose hair covered the pillow and flowed over my shoulder, he smelled like cinnamon. He drew the covers up to our necks, whispered his goodnight and kissed my forehead as he did every night. It sounded silly but it was now mandatory or I couldn't sleep.

At night the demons came back, it didn't matter whether I was awake or asleep. I could hear my father's voice shouting at me and telling me that I was a waste, a whore and a bitch. I could almost feel the sharp, painful kicks in my side and the sound and feeling of his leather belt on my bare back.

I could feel the tears gather at the corner of my eyes. I wouldn't cry, I couldn't let him see me like that again.

I closed my eyes and I slept.

[*Bang!* I looked up from my computer just in time to see a fist coming toward me. On instinct I ducked.

"Bitch, what did I tell you about moving when I'M BUSY!"

I lay still, my body tense, waiting for his next move. I could hear the clatter of metal as he unbuckled his belt, and then came the slap of leather against leather as he folded it and snapped it together. He leaned down and roughly pulled me up by my hair.

"Take off your shirt".

I took it off as quickly I could, not wanting to incur anymore of his wrath than I already had. I stood there facing my wall. My palms were flat against the wall, bracing my body for the blow.

*SMACK!*

The first slap came down, opening old wounds and making new ones. Fire shot up my spine as he brought it down time after time. I could hear his laboured breathing.

He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around to face him. Before I could register it, my torn back was against the wall and his large hands were at my throat.

"I could kill you right now. Do you think anyone would miss you?…answer me!"

With a large amount of effort I shook my head, which was the response he wanted. One of his hands left my neck and clasped my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. His other hand squeezed my throat tighter. ]

~~~

My eyes came into focus as soon as I heard Thalia struggling. Her body was still but her face was creased as if she was in pain, tears were flowing from her closed eyes, she was quietly sobbing.

"Thalia, wake up",

I whispered in her ear, I remembered Lord Elrond telling me that waking someone by shouting at them would only alarm them. She didn't move. I tried again and still she didn't move.

Her eyes flew open and she sat bolt upright, she closed her eyes and focused on getting her breath back. She brought her knees up to her chest and laid her head on them. The tears were sliding down her face. She still hadn't noticed me. When she had managed to get her breathing under control, she opened her eyes. Her blue orbs locked on me and for a minute she looked as if she was terrified of me. She looked away, gingerly she placed her hands on her throat. She let out a breath and relaxed.

"Thalia",

She looked up and silently regarded me. Then she got up and raced to the bathroom. She slammed the door shut and I heard the lock click. I didn't know what was wrong and I didn't want to force her to tell me.

"Thalia, I'm going to go and get dressed, then I'll get some breakfast and we'll eat here,"

I told her through the door. There was no answer. I was disappointed. She was pushing me away. I knew that this had to happen some time, but I wasn't ready for it, but then again would I ever be ready?

~~~

I had heard him talking to me, but I hadn't processed the words. I had run from him. I had run from Legolas. The one person I knew I could trust. I could trust him. Part of me knew that, but I couldn't face the threat of betrayal. Not again.

The dream had been so real, I could still feel my back stinging and his fingers around my throat.

I was overcome by everything. My head throbbed and my eyes were stinging. I had made a big mistake, I wasn't deserving of his help and attention. I did the only thing that I could, I reached for my razor.

~~~

It only took me a few minutes to dress and braid my hair. I looked at my reflection. She was hurting and suffering and I couldn't do a thing to help her. I could feel her grief and pain within my own heart and I longed to aid her. I was doing everything that I thought I could do to support and comfort her. She dreamt of ill things at night, she didn't know it and if she did she didn't say anything. I would wake up at her slightest utterance, and watch her sleep. Sometimes I'd sing to her, that helped and within minutes she was sleeping peacefully again. Sometimes all I had to do was enfold her in my arms and she would burrow down into my chest.

I'd been too wrapped up in my thoughts to realize that I had reached the kitchens. The cook nodded at me in acknowledgement as I gathered fruits and bread on a tray. After gathering all I needed I said my thanks and left.

We were leaving for Lothlorien. I had told Thalia about it but judging by the distracted look on her face she hadn't heard any of what I'd said. She still refused to be anywhere near Lord Elrond, I hoped that she would be more comfortable in the presence of Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn. Lord Elrond was right, her soul was giving up and she was beginning to withdraw. She was a closed book, a mystery. I realized that in spite of the amount of time that we had spent together I knew very little about her. That was something I fully intended to remedy during our trip.