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I left the bathroom to find that a maid had already made the bed and laid some clothes out for me. A riding dress? Was I going somewhere?
I dressed quickly and without leaving a note for Legolas, went in search of Glorfindel. Besides Legolas, Glorfindel was the only one I could really talk to. I rounded the corner and knocked on Glorfindel's study door. There was no answer. I looked everywhere, the dinning hall, the gardens, the stables, the training grounds. I gave up and decided to head back to my room.
"Wait, Thalia do you have a moment?" I whirled around to face whoever it was.
"Glorfindel! Where the hell have you been? I've just spent the past hour searching for you!"
"I'm sorry, I was busy packing for the journey. Have you got everything you need? Remember to make sure that you have a spare blanket and a spare pair of boots."
"Hold up! What are you babbling about?" Luckily he'd grown used to my way of speaking and he no longer minded.
"The journey to Lothlorien. Didn't Legolas tell you?"
"Oh, umm, yeah he told me, but I wasn't listening." He raised one eyebrow at me and shook his head.
"Go and pack everything that you think you'll need for the next month, I'll come by your room later and make sure your ready."
I nodded. I didn't move I just stood there.
There was a picture on the wall behind Glorfindel. It was a portrait of Arwen, I remembered Elrohir showing it to me, the pride had been evident in his voice. He was quite the artist. I had only met the twins once, but I liked them. They weren't anything like their father. Elrohir was quieter than Elladan, and more serious, whereas Elladan was mischievous and fun loving. When they were together they were a force to be reckoned with. I thought back to the night that they had stolen Erestor's clothes and swapped them for dresses. Erestor had barged into the dinning hall with a murderous look upon his face and a pile of dresses in the other. It still made me laugh.
I hadn't yet met Arwen, she was in Lothlorien. Maybe I'd meet her there.
"What is it pen-neth?" he asked, using his favorites pet name for me. I didn't answer him.
"So, you two have fallen out?"
"Am I that transparent?"
"Yes".
"Well, no. Not fallen out as such. I didn't even speak to him to fall out with him," Ugh I was babbling and making no sense.
"What happened?"
I told him about the dream. Of course I didn't tell him that that had actually happened. And I told him what I had done to Legolas. I hadn't told him anything about my life, but I think he understood what I was feeling.
"I know you're scared Thalia, and I know that it's hard for you to trust anyone. Legolas loves you. You're his best friend and he only wants to help you. Do you honestly think he'd intentionally hurt you?"
Did I? No I didn't. There were warning bells going off in my head and there was sick feeling in my stomach. But as corny as it sounds, I did trust him.
"No. He wouldn't"…'but he might not do it intentionally, he might just decide that he's fed up of me. What if I talked to him and told him everything and he decided that I'm a monster or a nutcase and he wanted nothing more to do with me?' I couldn't say the last bit out loud. I didn't have the guts to tell Glorfindel anything either.
He didn't say anything, he just smiled. He walked towards me and gave me a hug. "Trust your heart pen-neth".
I watched his retreating back with a frown on my face . I was worthy of Legolas' attention. Wasn't I? Glorfindel seemed to think so. I could trust that.
I waked back to room to pack with a smile on my face. I was going to be nice to Legolas. He didn't deserve my anger or mistrust. Especially when he didn't know why. That was something I was going to work on. I was going to tell him everything, regardless…one day. I just had to work up the courage.
I opened the door to see him standing on the balcony watching the elves bustle about down below. I couldn't talk to him yet. I walked straight over to my wardrobe and took out my rucksack. I still hadn't looked through it so I had no idea what was in it.
Once again I shook all the contents out onto the floor.
"Hmm, 1 purple and pink striped jumper, a brown knee length skirt, 2 pairs of purple socks, my make-up bag, 1 hair clip, one magazine, a watch, and a jewellery box" I said aloud to no one in particular.
I sat back on my feet and opened the box. There was a small silver necklace, a couple of silver rings and few pairs of earrings. And at the bottom of it were a few photographs. I honestly hadn't thought about my family much. It hurt to think of them so I just didn't. I didn't miss home. I didn't miss the television blaring out at me or the radio chattering on in the background while I cleaned or something. I didn't miss my life. In fact the only thing I missed was chocolate. I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms on the chocolate front. Fortunately for me the elves made deliciously sweet desserts and they made up for my chocolate loss.
I stopped what I was doing and looked at my bag, I'd packed without realizing it. Cool! I didn't think I could do that. I didn't care what I'd packed. It'd have to do. The only thing that I had made sure I had was my packet of razors.
Legolas was staring at me, I could feel his eyes boring a hole through my back. I forced myself to turn around and look at him. As I did, Glorfindel entered the room, he looked at Legolas then me,
"Are you ready to leave?"
I nodded and without looking at either of them I pushed past Glorfindel and left the room.
I was sat atop my horse waiting for Legolas to arrive. I had no idea what he was doing but whatever it was, it was making us wait. Elrond was looking at me. I had to force myself to look at him, I didn't like him but I was staying in his house and it was only courteous and respectful to at least look at him.
My heart thundered in my chest, he smiled, I nearly fell off my horse in shock. I wasn't shocked that he'd smiled at me, I was shocked at my own reaction. For the first time since I'd met him I didn't feel threatened by him. His grey eyes were full of nothing but kindness and his smile held something that at that moment I couldn't fathom.
Middle-Earth was having a strange effect on me- I was beginning to see things differently and I was starting to let people past all my barriers. I wasn't sure whether I liked that or not.
I tore my eyes away from Elrond's as Legolas came though the doors with a bundle firmly tucked under his arm. I raised an eyebrow at him and he laughed, I hated waiting around and he was going to hear about it later.
A few hours later we stopped. Legolas started to make a fire and me and Glorfindel went to find some wood, and considering we were in a forest that wasn't hard.
"So, have you talked to him yet?"
"Huh, what?"
"You haven't have you?"
"Umm, no".
"Why not. You're ready to talk and he's willing to listen."
"Glorfindel! You don't need to tell me that! I already know it! But think about it, does he really need to sit and listen to me bitching about my awful life and my abusive father. Does he really need to know about what I do to myself?!" By this point I was stood right in front of him and I was sure that anyone within a 4 mile radius heard that.
He looked at me, a mixture of shock and disbelief on his face.
"Did you mean that?" Boy was he blunt and to the point. SHIT! OH SHIT! In less than a minute I'd gone and shouted my mouth off and managed to spill the beans about my most closely guarded secrets.
"Err…umm never mind I didn't mean that…I was just…you know…I gotta go." I cringed, that sounded pathetic to my ears so he couldn't have been fooled by it. I Turned and ran. I didn't have any idea where I was going, I just moved- I was getting good at that.
I finally stopped when I saw a dim light shinning through the trees. I'd made it back to the camp in one piece.
I was relieved to see that I had arrived back before Glorfindel had. There was one lone figure standing near the horses, Legolas. Oh dear Goddess, I don't know what I would have done if Glorfindel had told him.
My palms were sweaty and I could feel the familiar feeling come over my body and completely engulf me. I walked back to camp and straight to my bag. And then I left again, I told Legolas that I needed to go to the 'toilet'. He smiled and nodded in acknowledgement.
I quickly found a clearing not to far away from the camp and sat down. Sweat was running down my face and my hands were shaking, I'd left it too long. My mind was crying out for release. I found the packet and pulled a new blade out. Lifting up my skirt I examined my thighs. There were too many cuts on them, I could remember reading somewhere, that you had to leave a cut for at least a week until you cut there again. Well it was something along those lines anyway.
I decided that I'd take a chance and use my shoulder. I discarded my jacket and looked at the untouched flesh. Touching the cool bade against my flushed skin sent a shiver up my spine. I did it, and once I started I couldn't stop. By the time I'd finished there were six new cuts. I leaned against the trunk of a tree, satisfied and exhausted.
"Thalia". Oh no someone was coming. I shoved the now blooded razor into my back and hastily threw on my jacket. I could feel the blood seep through the fabric.
"Thalia where are you".
I stood up, "I'm over here". Legolas stepped out of the shadows
"It's getting dark and there are wolves about. Are you ready to come back?"
"Yeah, sure". I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder- the wrong bloody shoulder!
I gasped and dropped it! It hurt like hell. Legolas looked alarmed,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing I've just pulled my shoulder that's all". I was lying through my teeth. Was he buying it?
He picked up my bag and instead of giving it back to me he put it onto his own shoulder. That majorly pissed me off. I can carry my own things.
"Legolas! What are you doing? Give that back!"
"No, your shoulder is injured and you need to rest it if you intend on riding tomorrow".
I could see his point. "No, give that back", he started walking away.
"Legolas dammit give me that back!"
"Thalia, I have told you time and time again that a lady should not use such foul language".
"It's a good thing I'm not a lady then isn't it!" I gave up, there was no way I was gonna win this fight.
When we arrived back at the camp Glorfindel was busy cooking what looked like rabbit, my stomach turned. He looked up at me and I glared back at him. I was angry with him, I don't know why, I just was.
I waked over to my bed roll and collapsed.
"Thalia, dinners ready," I ignored him so he tried again…and again. Eventually he gave up and came over.
I felt his hand on my shoulder and I froze, he looked at his hand where liquid was glistening on it. Thankfully it was too dark for even elven eyes to spot the blood.
"Thalia, why is your shoulder wet?"
"Oh, when I was in the forest I caught one of the branches and the water that had been collected on the leaves spilled on me", that was horrible, I felt awful for lying to him, again.
He seemed to think about my explanation and decided that it plausible.
"Thalia you have to eat", I shook my head. 'No I don't'.
"Please Thalia", every time he said my name I grimaced. I shook my head again.
"What's wrong?" I said nothing.
"Alright, I'll leave this here and if you get hungry you know where it is", he spoke softly to me, as if I was a child
"And you know where I am if you need me". I nodded. He bent down and kissed my forehead.
"Goodnight Legolas", he turned around and smiled at me.