Disclaimer- I own absolutely nothing! If you recognize it- it's not mine!
Hopefully- the story will become a little lighter after this chapter, but I think that it's necessary to all of the character. I know this subject is a sensitive subject and I don't wish to offend anyone, but I am writing this as best I can- I want to deal with this subject and its attached emotions realistically. This is a subject that I have lived with for a while now and I know what it feels like- so once again I apologies for anything that anybody finds offensive.
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It was raining and the tension between the three of us could be cut with a knife. The past few weeks had been fairly uneventful. Thalia had been overjoyed when I gave her the package that I had brought with me from Rivendell. It contained her clothes from the day when I had found her, her clothes had been washed and her boots had been repaired. Her boots did not look very comfortable but she assured me that they were. Other than that we had hardly spoken. In fact she had stopped talking altogether. She had completely withdrawn from both myself and Glorfindel.
She hardly ate and when she did she only ate small amounts.
At night, and sometimes in the morning, she would disappear for half an hour. I presumed that she just needed a little space to herself- "traveling with two males can become very tedious after a while", she had explained.
Despite what was going on we still kept to our nightly ritual. She would still dream of foul things and I would sing to her.
Glorfindel was becoming very concerned for her welfare.
It was nightfall and we stopped to make camp, I made a fire and Glorfindel went to find wood. I watched as Thalia retreated into the trees.
I went after her. As an elf I walked with little or no sound but Thalia always seemed to know when there was somebody around. I followed her and watched as she looked around for something. She seemed to find what she was searching for. I watched as she changed direction. There was a large boulder up ahead. It was big enough to hide anyone who didn't want to be seen. She looked relived as she walked over to it and sat behind it so that I could no longer see her.
I moved around the rock and made sure that I was concealed by the thick trees. I carefully made my way to the other side. Within a few moments I had a clear view of her.
~~~
Finally I had some peace and quiet. About time to. My head was pounding, I leaned back against the cool rock and felt somewhat calmer, but the panic and the feelings didn't go away.
The further we got from Rivendell and the closer we got to Lothlorien, the more I wanted to cut. The panic was over-riding my senses and it was too much to handle. The only way to release it was by cutting. I reached over to my bag and tried to open it. I was failing miserably as my hands were sweating like mad and I couldn't get a grip on the zip. I heard a noise behind me, I listened for a second and dismissed it as an animal or something. Right now I wasn't aware of anything except the need to cut.
~~~
I watched as she fumbled with the, I think she calls it a zip, on her bag. But for some reason she couldn't get a grip on it. I could see the sheen of sweat on her forehead and her body was beginning to shake, was she ill? Humans could get ill very easily. She finally opened the bag and tipped everything out onto the ground. She looked panicked as she looked for something. She found it and a look of relief spread over her feature. It was a yellow packet of some sort, what was so special about it?
She reached her hand into it and took out a small white object. What was it? She looked both relieved and scared to see it. She put it down and fell back against the rock, I decided to make myself known.
"Thalia what are you doing?"
~~~
I looked up to see Legolas slowly making his way over to me. I sat up as fast as I could and shoved the razor back into my bag. Once I had made sure that it was safely tucked in there I went from panic to anger.
"Legolas, what the hell are you doing here? Did you follow me?"
Did I want to know the answer to that? No, I didn't. I couldn't hang around and listen to him. The possibility of the answer being yes was enough to almost send me over the edge, he had stopped me before I could do anything and with this as well, I was ready to burst. I turned on my heel and ran as fast as I could back toward the camp.
I got halfway there when I realized that I'd left my things behind. I toyed with the idea of just leaving them, I would've but my only connection to my sanity was there. Very reluctantly I turned round and headed back.
~~~
I watched her reaction to my sudden appearance. Her eyes widened and she looked like a frightened animal. She hastily shoved the object that she held in her hand into her bag
This done, her emotions rapidly changed. She became angry.
"Legolas, what are you doing here? Did you follow me?"
Her eyes locked on mine, hurt, sadness and anger flashed briefly in them before she turned and ran.
I turned my attention to the pile of her belongings on the ground. I started to pick them up and replace them. I lifted up a skirt and a small white object fell out from beneath the folds. It was identical to what she had been holding earlier.
I examined it very carefully. There was a long white handle on it and on the top of it was a rectangular bit with what looked like an orange cover. I removed the cover to reveal something which stunned me. I looked at the seemingly harmless object in disbelief. Connected to the top of it was a thin metal blade. It was coated in a thin layer of blood, her blood. Why? Had she done this recently? It examined it closely, I could tell by the color of it that this blood had only been there for a day or possibly even two.
I thought about the day I'd found her. She looked so helpless and childlike. I found it hard to believe that she could do this to herself.
I had to talk to Glorfindel. What would he say, he would most likely be angry with her and himself. I was angry with myself. How long had this been going on? I should have seen it. I remembered the first night that we left Rivendell. Was the liquid on her shoulder water, or had it been blood? Thinking back there had been numerous signs, but I had been too foolish and too blind to realize.
I heard a sharp gasp. My head shot up. She was standing a few feet away, her hands covering her mouth. Her eyes were wide and sweat was rapidly starting to bead on her forehead.
I put my hand out to her, hoping that she'd come and sit with me.
She just looked at it. Tears were now making their way down her pale cheeks.
"Thalia, come and sit". I told her rather than asked her. She might respond better to me if I commanded her. Right now she was in no fit state to do anything of her own accord. Slowly, she began to walk toward me. She stretched out her hand toward me as is she was a blind woman and she couldn't find her way. She staggered over to me. Our fingers touched and I quickly wrapped my hand around her wrist. I gently pulled her down onto the grass so that she sat in front of me. She wouldn't look at me, instead she bowed her head and kept her eyes firmly fixed on the ground. The tears were running freely now. She wanted to run from me but a part of her wanted to stay, I could see it in her stance.
I didn't say anything. I lifted up her chin and made her look into my eyes. We didn't have to speak, she knew what I wanted, and I knew that she couldn't give it to me yet.
She crawled into my lap, clutching my tunic in her trembling hands. Her body shook as she sobbed. She wrapped her hands around my neck and clung to me. In turn I wrapped my arms around her waist, silently letting her know that I wasn't going anywhere.
We stayed like that for over an hour. She lay heavily against my chest with her eyes closed.
I could hear Glorfindel approaching, looking for us. She opened her eyes and looked at me.
"Could I tell Glorfindel or would you like me to keep it a secret?" I quietly asked her. I desperately wanted her to tell me that it was alright to tell Glorfindel. She knew that. Drowsily she nodded her head. She had given me her permission to tell him.
"Glorfindel we're over here", I beckoned him over to us.
~~~
I hadn't been able to locate them until Legolas shouted. I walked around the boulder that stood in front of me. A distressing scene greeted me.
Legolas was leaning on the boulder, with his arms tightly wrapped around Thalia.
Thalia looked terrible. She was seated on Legolas' lap with her legs tucked round his and her arms firmly locked around his neck. Her eyes were red and puffy and there were numerous tear tracks on her face. Her head was lying on his shoulder and she looked exhausted.
Legolas held a small white object up to me, I took it. It was some kind of blade, on it was blood, and was it her blood? I looked at Legolas and he nodded in answer to my silent question.
I felt anger well up inside me, tears gathered in my eyes. Legolas was crying silent tears. And he shook his head. He was right…now was not the time.
He stood up with Thalia safely in his arms. I began picking all of her belongings up and putting them into her bag. Excluding the blade. I put that into my pocket. I don't know why, all I knew was that I wanted it with me, where I knew that she couldn't get it.
We walked silently back to the camp. Neither I nor Legolas wanted to eat and Thalia was beyond anything.
I watched as Legolas lay down with her. He watched Thalia sleep.
Neither of us was going to sleep this night. Thank the Valar that we would be in the Golden wood by noon tomorrow.