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Haldir sat by her beside all night. It was a quiet night; the only time that the peace had been disturbed was when Legolas and Glorfindel had stopped by to see if she was all right. The three of them had talked for a few hours. It appeared that the lady knew the answers to their questions, but was not going to give them. She had said only one thing,
"Patience is the only key to this riddle. Wait and the answers you yearn for will be revealed".
Due to the sleeping spell Thalia had not woken up as they sat around her bed talking. She seemed to sense their presence and looked peaceful.
Legolas had offered to take over but Haldir was adamant that he would not move from the room. When asked why he had simply told them that all would be revealed in good time. To which Legolas and Glorfindel rolled their eyes and after kissing her brow, left Haldir alone with her once more.
The sun had just risen as she opened her eyes. There was a beam of light that came through the window, and she could hear the cheerful chatter of the bird outside, yet she took no pleasure in either.
The memories of the previous few days resurfaced and she felt her spirits drop. Everything came back.
---
The birds were annoying me and the sun was mocking me. I shut my eyes and rolled over. I was more comfortable now than I had felt since I had left Rivendell. I opened one eye and looked around. I was in a room, a very pretty room. How the hell did I get here? What was I wearing?
"Hello".
"Arghhhhhh. Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?"
"Forgive me for startling you my Lady. My name is Haldir."
"Oh...why are you here?"
"I watched over you during the night".
"Oh...you look familiar".
"I carried you here last night".
"Oh...ok. And I woke up and then you whispered something...yeah I remember". He nodded his head.
Now I had to ask the question that I was dreading the most. Whoever changed my clothes must have seen my scars. It had to be either Legolas or Glorfindel...right?
"Who changed my clothes"?
"I did"
I nearly fell off the bed. Shit! He'd seen my scars, and my cuts. The new cuts. Luckily the cuts on my shoulder had already more or less healed, I hadn't cut as deep as I thought I had, it had just bled a lot.
"Thalia, we must talk", 'no we don't, we can just leave it'.
"About what?" I decide to play dumb. He arched a delicate eyebrow at me.
"Sit"
He ordered me, 'I don't take orders from anyone', but of course me being the stupid one, sat down immediately. Mind you, I did need to sit down; as the panic had started to rise my legs had slowly turned to jelly. The blood pounded in my ears and I could feel my palms start to sweat.
But there was something else.
Something told me that I could trust this elf. But I didn't know what. A part of me was screaming to talk to him. He was the first elf that I didn't feel threatened by, despite his powerful appearance.
Something told me that this was going to be a long conversation, so I settled myself down comfortably.
I was sitting Indian style with my back against the headboard. Haldir sat opposite me where he could clearly see me and I couldn't escape.
"What did you want to talk about?" I asked shakily
"How long Thalia?"
"How long what?" His gaze was piercing as he maintained eye contact with me.
"How long have you been harming yourself?"
"Ten years, almost eleven".
"Why?"
"I...I...can't tell you". He nodded his head.
"All right. What do you get out it?"
"Why?"
"I am simply trying to understand. Thalia, we are both victims of the same crime". What! Did he mean that...?
"Yes, but we shall not go into that just yet. This is about you and only you".
I nodded numbly. An elf, there was somebody else like me. The knowledge that the perfect being sat in front of me was could feel as I did made my heart bleed. I felt a single tear slide down my cheek and I bowed my head. He reached out and with a slender finger, lifted my head.
"Thalia looks at me". I opened my eyes and I met his gaze. There was such anger and pain hidden in them, but there was also joy in them.
"Tell me how you became like this". He asked gently, but his tone left no room for discussion.
"I can't, you know what it's like. You don't need me to tell you that I'm unhappy. You don't need me to sit here and tell you that my life is a complete mess and I don't know how to fix it".
"You are right. I don't need you to tell me any of those things. Do you want to live?"
Did I? "Yes".
"The first step to recovery is learning to acknowledge the problem, and you never have. The pain in your eyes and the fear that you feel overshadows everything that you do". I could only nod.
"Tell me".
"Alright". I moved over and he joined me at the top of the bed. We sat shoulder to shoulder. Our hands intertwined between us. He squeezed my hand; I was ready to tell my story to someone. But not just any someone, he was someone that understood what it was like and why I did it.
Without hesitation I sat and told him everything. The way my dad would push me and mum around. The way that my brother and sister were put above me no matter what I did. The almost daily beatings, and the times that I would lie in the bath or stand under the shower washing the blood off of my body. And the times that I would sit in my bedroom and cut, wishing that I was dead.
Three hours later, my head was in his lap as I sobbed. He stroked my hair as I told him about what had happened during the trip here. He told me that he understood why I had done it, and that once I had told Legolas and Glorfindel they would understand. He reassured me that they would feel no malice towards me.
I sobbed for everything that I had lost.
For the first time somebody knew the real me. I felt stripped and vulnerable but free. I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I also sobbed for something that I had gained. I had let somebody in. And it felt good. I had told him everything. I had no secrets from Haldir.
It wasn't over. It was by no means over; we both knew that. But at least now I knew that if I really needed somebody, I could always find him and he would be there. We both knew that come tomorrow, the urge to cut would be too much for me to ignore and I would once again give into it.
Now, I would have to face up to Legolas and Glorfindel.
Then, he shared his story with me. And I cried again. To listen to him tell me about his feelings and the reasons for his actions was overwhelming.
We spent the next few hours talking and getting to know each other. We laughed and we cried as we swapped stories.
I made sure that I knocked before I entered her room.
"Come in" Her voice sounded cheerful and light. --- I entered and smiled at the scene in front of me. Thalia and Haldir were lying on the bed. Their legs were intertwined and her head was resting on his shoulder. They both had smiles gracing their fair faces.
She looked happy.
"I am sorry, I did not mean to intrude".
Thalia shot up, "No Legolas, come over here". She patted the space beside her and I joined them.
"Where is Glorfindel?" Haldir asked.
"I am sorry but he is in a meeting with Lord Celeborn".
"Oh...well, I'll see him later. I'm starving".
"I have asked the maid to bring some dinner. It should be here shortly".
"Alas, I must go". Haldir stood up.
"Do you have to?" Thalia asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid I must. I am on duty tonight". He leaned forward and embraced her. "I shall see you in the morning". He put his fist on his heart and bowed to me, I returned the gesture. With a swish of his cloak he was gone.
"So, did you miss me?" She asked.
"Of course I did, we both did". She grinned at me and without warning flung herself at me. Her arms wrapped around my neck and her hands wound themselves into my hair. Laughing I returned her embrace. Knowing she was safe brought a great feeling of relief to me.
The events of the previous few weeks were forgotten as we sat there. I knew that she was still in much pain but her spirit glowed more brightly than I had ever seen it.
"I missed you". I whispered in her ear.
She tightened her arms and crawled into my lap. "I'm sorry".
"There is no need".
"Yeah there is. Legolas, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I can't tell you yet. I will tell you...I promise, but not yet".
I could feel her body begin to shake with stifled sobs. One of my hands began to stroke her soft hair. I knew this soothed her. While my other hand snaked around her waist.
After an hour, her tears had stopped and we sat on the bed, content to just be in each other's company. She looked up at me with glazed eyes and smiled.
"Come, the sun has been gone for a while and you are tired".
She rubbed her eyes with her fists like a small child, then grasped my shoulders and pulled herself up. Wrapping my arms around her waist I helped her to stand. She laughed absentmindedly as she swayed on her feet, then walked over to the dresser and picked out a nightdress. Finally after many long minutes and many foul words later, she emerged. Throwing her old nightdress over a chair, she made her way over to the bed.
I pulled back the sheets and helped her climb in; I almost revelled in the childlike trust that she had placed in me and the parental role that she had allowed me to take. Smiling she burrowed down into the covers and waited for me to tuck the covers around her.
Once she was settled I bent down to kiss her forehead.
"Goodnight". As I turned to leave she grabbed my hand,
"Please will you stay".
I smiled and nodded. I sat down in the chair next to her bed and removed my boots. Then I stood up and went to the bathroom. I felt her eyes on me as I returned. She looked at me, a tired but happy smile gracing her features. I had longed to see her smile over the weeks that we had not spoken.
I undid my braids and set my hair tie on the dresser before slipping off my tunic.
As I slid into bed next to her she shuffled over to me. I gathered her into my arms and she melted into them, her form fitting perfectly with mine. Her head was tucked under my chin and she slipped one leg in between mine making herself comfortable and secure. I tightened my arms around her and kissed her brow. She sighed heavily and I smiled. It felt so good to hold her again. Her scent invaded my senses; vanilla and marigold. I could smell the sent of us both as they mingled to produce a sweet and spicy smell.
One of her hands rested on my bare chest whilst the other was buried in my hair.
And I couldn't help but regret my judgement.