Talking Helps
December 27th 2002
There was a knock on the door. Mac ignored it. She didn't want to see or talk to anybody. Work had been horrible. The 'coffee break' with Harm had just been the first event of a horrible day. Whenever she had walked through the bullpen everybody had become dead silent and watched her "discreetly". Not all that discreetly since she had seen every single glance they had made at her. She didn't know how she would survive this. All day she had waited for the time when she would be able to go home and not speak to anybody for a couple of hours, or why not months?
Sturgis had gone to Norfolk to do an investigation, so he had been spared humiliating stares of their colleagues. Somehow she doubted that it would have made it much different if he had been there. Men often lived through these sorts of scandals better. They probably wouldn't treat him any different than they used to, but Mac's days as a respected officer were forever over. At least that was how she felt now.
Of course Bud and Harriet had been friendly, but at the moment two people weren't helping her much. Besides she still felt a sort of distance from them regarding the child. They had noticed the once again colder relationship between the Colonel and the Commander and seen a now openly displayed hurt in Harm's face, so they still didn't know who they should be siding with on this one. Harriet had a lot of sympathies for Mac, since they were both in the same situation and the welfare of the child was most important. Bud was in some ways more concerned for Harm and his feelings. This had all caused a fight between the two of them. Finally they had realized that whatever they thought didn't really matter and all they could do was to be there for all three of their friends if they wanted to talk and not side with anyone of them. And that was what they had done.
The knocks were getting louder and than they suddenly stopped. 'Good,' she thought 'whoever it was left.' Then she heard Harm's voice coming through the door.
"Mac, if you really want me to leave I will, but can you please open the door and tell me that."
It was Harm. She hadn't thought that he would come, not after what had happened today. She had overstepped the line oh their thin maybe-frienship and the reassuring feeling she had gotten from his e-mail and on Christmas Eve was all gone. There would be no chance of fixing anything now. And then he showed up on her doorstep. The temptation was to great not to open up.
Once she stood there face to face with him all thoughts were gone and they were both just feeling. He could see that she had been crying. She backed up a few steps allowing him to come in, but she didn't say or do anything else. He followed her one step at a time and shut the door behind him. At the exact same moment they flung themselves into each other's arms and tears were starting to fall down both of their cheeks. They didn't talk, they just stood their holding on and wishing this exact moment where they were holding on so tightly could last for an eternity.
How long they had stood there neither one of them, not even Mac, could say, but eventually they were loosening the grip of the arms. Harm wiped the tears off of Macs face with his hand and Mac then did the same for him. She noticed that he was carrying a little paper bag in his left hand.
"It's for you," he said and put the bag in her hands.
She took it and looked at it. "Tea?" she asked.
"Yes, it's supposed to taste really good and it's also good for pregnant women. Maybe you want to try it and see if you like it. You should be able to drink something you like, I mean, now when you can't drink coffee."
"That's so nice of you, Harm. Thank you." She almost started to cry again.
"Do you want me to leave or can we talk?"
"I want you to stay."
"So we can talk?"
She just nodded her head and went to sit down on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Harm followed her and sat down beside her. Watching her face to see if she wanted to start. She didn't say anything so he asked her;
"What are you thinking, Mac?"
"That I've blown it for all eternity," she looked down at the floor "You can't look at me anymore and respect me. That I'm easy and I don't deserve to even be your friend. You can't touch me without feeling repulsive. Harm, I don't think there's anything I can do to make it even an ounce better for you."
"Please look at me," he put a finger under her chin and lifted it up to face him "I don't think or feel any of those things. I respect you so much, I always have and that won't change because of one mistake. I don't know if we deserve each other, but I do know that there is nothing in the world that I want more than to be your friend. I haven't been a very good one lately and I want to change, to be better. Having you as a friend id the only thing that can make it better for me."
"But Harm I destroyed it all."
"Do you really feel that it's all destroyed? Can't we give it one more chance? I'll admit that I haven't been quite sure if this was something we should be doing. That it wouldn't be worth it. But it is, because when I'm away from you, whether physically or emotionally, I hurt. And I don't want to be hurt for the rest of my life."
"Are you sure that you can do it? I mean I'm pregnant, that won't go away. We can never forget what happened."
"No, I'm not sure that I can do it. But I am sure that I can learn how. I really want to. I think we're going to have to change some things for this to work, though."
"Like?"
"Always saying what's on our mind. Whenever we try to protect each other by withholding things we always seem to end up hurting each other. I don't want you to keep anything from me and I don't want to keep anything from you. Could we agree on that?"
"Of course. I've missed you so much this month, you have no idea," Mac smiled at him.
The phone rang and she was considering letting the machine take it. Nothing could be more important than this conversation.
"Mac, please pick up. The ringing is driving me crazy."
She got up and took the phone.
"Colonel Mackenzie," she answered. Harm was trying not to listen in to the conversation but it was hard not to.
"I'm OK now."
The other person said something, which Harm of course didn't hear.
"It was like you could have expected, but I'm sure it will get better."
"Did you talk to your father?"
"Maybe we can talk about it later."
"Yeah, Harm's here,"
"I'll see you on Sunday. Bye."
She hung up the phone and looked at Harm. He had only heard half of the conversation and was a little curious about it, but decided not to ask, Mac could tell him about it if she wanted to.
"It was Sturgis."
"Oh. Do you two talk a lot?" Harm asked honestly interested, but still a bit jealous of what the two of them were sharing. He had always dreamed about sharing those things with Mac himself.
"Yes some. We try to work through some things and get to know each other better before the baby comes. We both think the baby will benefit from that."
"It's not like you're strangers to each other."
"No but we never thought we would be having a baby together. There are some issues that need to be settled."
"Everything is changed because of that. For a while I thought that you had been dating for real." He just said it as a simple and honest statement and that's also what Mac heard. They looked at each other. Their friendship wasn't quite healed, but just the fact that they had been able to have this conversation was a giant step forward and that was the only direction either one of them was looking in now. A few minutes later Harm left Mac's apartment. Tomorrow would be a new day. Who knew what it would bring?
TBC
December 27th 2002
There was a knock on the door. Mac ignored it. She didn't want to see or talk to anybody. Work had been horrible. The 'coffee break' with Harm had just been the first event of a horrible day. Whenever she had walked through the bullpen everybody had become dead silent and watched her "discreetly". Not all that discreetly since she had seen every single glance they had made at her. She didn't know how she would survive this. All day she had waited for the time when she would be able to go home and not speak to anybody for a couple of hours, or why not months?
Sturgis had gone to Norfolk to do an investigation, so he had been spared humiliating stares of their colleagues. Somehow she doubted that it would have made it much different if he had been there. Men often lived through these sorts of scandals better. They probably wouldn't treat him any different than they used to, but Mac's days as a respected officer were forever over. At least that was how she felt now.
Of course Bud and Harriet had been friendly, but at the moment two people weren't helping her much. Besides she still felt a sort of distance from them regarding the child. They had noticed the once again colder relationship between the Colonel and the Commander and seen a now openly displayed hurt in Harm's face, so they still didn't know who they should be siding with on this one. Harriet had a lot of sympathies for Mac, since they were both in the same situation and the welfare of the child was most important. Bud was in some ways more concerned for Harm and his feelings. This had all caused a fight between the two of them. Finally they had realized that whatever they thought didn't really matter and all they could do was to be there for all three of their friends if they wanted to talk and not side with anyone of them. And that was what they had done.
The knocks were getting louder and than they suddenly stopped. 'Good,' she thought 'whoever it was left.' Then she heard Harm's voice coming through the door.
"Mac, if you really want me to leave I will, but can you please open the door and tell me that."
It was Harm. She hadn't thought that he would come, not after what had happened today. She had overstepped the line oh their thin maybe-frienship and the reassuring feeling she had gotten from his e-mail and on Christmas Eve was all gone. There would be no chance of fixing anything now. And then he showed up on her doorstep. The temptation was to great not to open up.
Once she stood there face to face with him all thoughts were gone and they were both just feeling. He could see that she had been crying. She backed up a few steps allowing him to come in, but she didn't say or do anything else. He followed her one step at a time and shut the door behind him. At the exact same moment they flung themselves into each other's arms and tears were starting to fall down both of their cheeks. They didn't talk, they just stood their holding on and wishing this exact moment where they were holding on so tightly could last for an eternity.
How long they had stood there neither one of them, not even Mac, could say, but eventually they were loosening the grip of the arms. Harm wiped the tears off of Macs face with his hand and Mac then did the same for him. She noticed that he was carrying a little paper bag in his left hand.
"It's for you," he said and put the bag in her hands.
She took it and looked at it. "Tea?" she asked.
"Yes, it's supposed to taste really good and it's also good for pregnant women. Maybe you want to try it and see if you like it. You should be able to drink something you like, I mean, now when you can't drink coffee."
"That's so nice of you, Harm. Thank you." She almost started to cry again.
"Do you want me to leave or can we talk?"
"I want you to stay."
"So we can talk?"
She just nodded her head and went to sit down on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Harm followed her and sat down beside her. Watching her face to see if she wanted to start. She didn't say anything so he asked her;
"What are you thinking, Mac?"
"That I've blown it for all eternity," she looked down at the floor "You can't look at me anymore and respect me. That I'm easy and I don't deserve to even be your friend. You can't touch me without feeling repulsive. Harm, I don't think there's anything I can do to make it even an ounce better for you."
"Please look at me," he put a finger under her chin and lifted it up to face him "I don't think or feel any of those things. I respect you so much, I always have and that won't change because of one mistake. I don't know if we deserve each other, but I do know that there is nothing in the world that I want more than to be your friend. I haven't been a very good one lately and I want to change, to be better. Having you as a friend id the only thing that can make it better for me."
"But Harm I destroyed it all."
"Do you really feel that it's all destroyed? Can't we give it one more chance? I'll admit that I haven't been quite sure if this was something we should be doing. That it wouldn't be worth it. But it is, because when I'm away from you, whether physically or emotionally, I hurt. And I don't want to be hurt for the rest of my life."
"Are you sure that you can do it? I mean I'm pregnant, that won't go away. We can never forget what happened."
"No, I'm not sure that I can do it. But I am sure that I can learn how. I really want to. I think we're going to have to change some things for this to work, though."
"Like?"
"Always saying what's on our mind. Whenever we try to protect each other by withholding things we always seem to end up hurting each other. I don't want you to keep anything from me and I don't want to keep anything from you. Could we agree on that?"
"Of course. I've missed you so much this month, you have no idea," Mac smiled at him.
The phone rang and she was considering letting the machine take it. Nothing could be more important than this conversation.
"Mac, please pick up. The ringing is driving me crazy."
She got up and took the phone.
"Colonel Mackenzie," she answered. Harm was trying not to listen in to the conversation but it was hard not to.
"I'm OK now."
The other person said something, which Harm of course didn't hear.
"It was like you could have expected, but I'm sure it will get better."
"Did you talk to your father?"
"Maybe we can talk about it later."
"Yeah, Harm's here,"
"I'll see you on Sunday. Bye."
She hung up the phone and looked at Harm. He had only heard half of the conversation and was a little curious about it, but decided not to ask, Mac could tell him about it if she wanted to.
"It was Sturgis."
"Oh. Do you two talk a lot?" Harm asked honestly interested, but still a bit jealous of what the two of them were sharing. He had always dreamed about sharing those things with Mac himself.
"Yes some. We try to work through some things and get to know each other better before the baby comes. We both think the baby will benefit from that."
"It's not like you're strangers to each other."
"No but we never thought we would be having a baby together. There are some issues that need to be settled."
"Everything is changed because of that. For a while I thought that you had been dating for real." He just said it as a simple and honest statement and that's also what Mac heard. They looked at each other. Their friendship wasn't quite healed, but just the fact that they had been able to have this conversation was a giant step forward and that was the only direction either one of them was looking in now. A few minutes later Harm left Mac's apartment. Tomorrow would be a new day. Who knew what it would bring?
TBC