AN: I'm not quite sure this is a really good chapter, but it has been
rewritten so many time now, if I don't post it now I'll never do it. I
missed the first half of Standards of Conduct, but I think it will be OK
anyway. All the dates are taken from my mind, so there may be inaccuracies.
If you point them out to me, I'll be glad to make changes if I can.
I'm so glad there are still some people reading this story. Thank you all for the reviews!
Deals and Fathers
January 15th 2003
"I just bought this for Little AJ's fifth birthday," Mac said when she saw Harm looking at the present.
"Isn't that a bit early," Harm asked curiously.
"I like to do it early," Mac said and shrugged.
"I know but he'll only be four this year. His fifth birthday is like 16 months away."
"I know." Mac said and looked confused at Harm. "Did I say it was for his fifth birthday? I meant fourth."
"Do you ever think about our deal?" Mac made motion to ask 'what deal?', but the look on Harm's face made her realize that he knew that she knew which deal he was referring to.
"Well, that really is null and void now." Mac then said a bit surprised that he would bring it up now.
"I never made a promise I couldn't keep," Harm said.
"But I guess I did this time." She looked at him.
"Was it really just about the baby? You didn't care at all who would be the father?" Harm asked not quite sure if this was a question he wanted an answer too.
"No, of course it wasn't. You'll make a good father when that time comes and I don't think you'll have any problems finding someone willing to share that with you," Mac said trying to sound cheerful, but all of her heart was screaming that she would have wanted to be that one woman who shared those things with him.
Harm didn't say anything to that. There was only one woman he wanted children with. That she thought he'd make a good father didn't matter if he couldn't be the father of her children.
January 18th 2003
"Hi Mac. Can I come in?" Harm asked. He had shown up unannounced at Mac's apartment.
"Sure." Mac moved away from the doorpost to let him in. Well in the apartment he saw Sturgis sitting on Mac's couch.
"Mac, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll just go," Harm said.
Sturgis got up from the couch and started walking towards the door.
"I was just about to leave anyway. See you Mac," Sturgis left the apartment quickly.
"Harm, what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" Mac asked once Sturgis had closed the door.
"I think I need to talk, but I wasn't sure I should, so I guess it took some time to come to you. I'm still not quite sure I want to do this."
"Then we'll just sit here." Mac motioned towards the couch. Harm made a point not to sit down where Sturgis had just sat. Mac noticed, but didn't say anything about it. She sat down in the armchair right next to the couch and their knees ended up almost touching.
"I'm sorry Mac. I shouldn't have come here. I interrupted you."
"Harm, I'm glad you came here," Mac interrupted him and put her hand over his. "You're always welcome."
"It's just. If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone?"
"Harm, I can keep a secret," Mac said. A few months earlier and she would have felt like he implied that she couldn't and been hurt and angry, but they were past that and there was no hurt or resentment in her voice, just reassurance and concern for her friend.
"You know when we went to the Seahawk and you investigated Singer... I didn't tell you everything I knew." He made a pause to see how she reacted. He could she that she wasn't pleased with what she'd heard, but she didn't seem very surprised either and he was sure she was going to hear him out.
"I know who the father is,"
Mac's head started going on high wire. 'How could Harm know who the father was? Why hadn't he told her?' Her head came to a conclusion her heart didn't like, but once the doubt was there she needed to know.
"And now she's planning on giving the child up for adoption and she won't even talk to the father about it. She doesn't let him have a say in it at all." Harm continued.
"Who is the father, Harm?" Mac asked knowing that she might be jumping to conclusions to fast, but she needed to ask. She couldn't and didn't want to imagine that what she was thinking could be true.
"I can't tell you who the father is, Mac"
Mac took a deep breath. They had promised each other to ask the hard questions to avoid misunderstandings and now was one of those occasions where that was what she had to do.
"Is it you?" she just needed to know. Was it worth the risk? No, but neither was continuing to think that he might be if he wasn't.
"NO, how can you think that?" Harm got up and walked towards the windows. That question had hurt. Did she really think that he would sleep with Singer and then let her investigate the father of the baby without telling her the truth.
"Harm, I believe you. We said we would ask the hard questions too. I didn't want to think it, I asked so I could be sure. I'm sorry, Harm, I really am. But you should know that even if you had been. I would have been there for you. I know more than well how you get into those situations. Harm, I AM sorry" Mac said and hoped that he would understand that she was sincere.
Harm slowly turned around.
"You once said, apologizing was a sign of weakness," he said.
"Around you, I don't mind being weak. I used to think that the reason why things couldn't work out between us was because we both wanted to be on top. Maybe it was true, we'll never know. I just know that it isn't the problem anymore. Being on top isn't all that important anymore."
Harm walked back towards the couch and sat down.
"Apology accepted," he said seriously. What to say about the other things she had said, he couldn't figure out. She seemed to have given up all hopes of them ever resolving those things that stood between them and a romantic relationship. He didn't know if he had too.
Harm put his hand on hers and took a deep breath, which he let out slowly in a sigh. They looked into each other's eyes. He hadn't intended it, but slowly they moved closer together. Just before their lips touched Harm got up from his seat and went over to Mac's bathroom.
He couldn't kiss her. Not because of the reasons that Mac was thinking at the moment. She thought that he didn't desire her anymore, but he couldn't simply because all of their problems with having a relationship still weren't figured out and he didn't want there to be any confusion about why they had kissed and what it meant to both of them when or if they did.
A few minutes later he stepped out of the bathroom. Mac had started making some tea and set the table with cups, milk and spoons.
"Are you staying?" she asked hoping that he would.
"Yeah," he said carefully to see if that was what she wanted.
Mac smiled and nodded.
"So does the father know about the baby?" Harm looked as if he had no idea what she was talking about.
"The father of Singer's baby," she said to clarify.
"Yeah, I kind of made her call him, but she denied it to him that he would be the father" Harm said.
"Maybe that's the truth. What evidence do you have that he would be?" Mac said trying to get a grip of the situation.
"I kind of saw them together. well not together-together, but..."
"I understand what you mean," Mac said smiling a bit at how Harm managed to tangle himself into the words.
"So do you think he'll try to get involved now?"
"Apparently he thinks that she's telling him the truth. I don't know him all that well, I guess," Harm said with some regret.
"Harm, I know that you're worried and that you care, but I don't think there's anything you can do about it. They are both adults and have to make their own decisions even if they are mistakes. Maybe Singer is telling the truth and someone else is the father."
"But Mac there's a child involved here."
"If you just give them some time. They'll probably work it out themselves. They still have time until the baby comes, right?"
"I guess you're right there."
"Let's hope I am," Mac said.
"You're a good friend, Mac."
"So are you, Harm."
"I'm sorry about earlier."
"Forget about it." Mac said trying not to show how upset him backing away had made her.
"I'll get going now."
"You do that." They both remained seated, neither one making a move to get up.
"OK."
They were still sitting still and then all of a sudden they both got up at the same time and almost knocked each other to the ground.
"Sorry," they both said at the same time. The tension in the air was getting very high and now Harm fled out of the apartment saying a quick goodbye to Mac.
After the door was closed Mac leaned her back against it sighing deeply. She was so glad that she had been able to rebuild her friendship with Harm, but she couldn't help feeling devastated that it could never lead to anything more.
TBC
I'm so glad there are still some people reading this story. Thank you all for the reviews!
Deals and Fathers
January 15th 2003
"I just bought this for Little AJ's fifth birthday," Mac said when she saw Harm looking at the present.
"Isn't that a bit early," Harm asked curiously.
"I like to do it early," Mac said and shrugged.
"I know but he'll only be four this year. His fifth birthday is like 16 months away."
"I know." Mac said and looked confused at Harm. "Did I say it was for his fifth birthday? I meant fourth."
"Do you ever think about our deal?" Mac made motion to ask 'what deal?', but the look on Harm's face made her realize that he knew that she knew which deal he was referring to.
"Well, that really is null and void now." Mac then said a bit surprised that he would bring it up now.
"I never made a promise I couldn't keep," Harm said.
"But I guess I did this time." She looked at him.
"Was it really just about the baby? You didn't care at all who would be the father?" Harm asked not quite sure if this was a question he wanted an answer too.
"No, of course it wasn't. You'll make a good father when that time comes and I don't think you'll have any problems finding someone willing to share that with you," Mac said trying to sound cheerful, but all of her heart was screaming that she would have wanted to be that one woman who shared those things with him.
Harm didn't say anything to that. There was only one woman he wanted children with. That she thought he'd make a good father didn't matter if he couldn't be the father of her children.
January 18th 2003
"Hi Mac. Can I come in?" Harm asked. He had shown up unannounced at Mac's apartment.
"Sure." Mac moved away from the doorpost to let him in. Well in the apartment he saw Sturgis sitting on Mac's couch.
"Mac, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll just go," Harm said.
Sturgis got up from the couch and started walking towards the door.
"I was just about to leave anyway. See you Mac," Sturgis left the apartment quickly.
"Harm, what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" Mac asked once Sturgis had closed the door.
"I think I need to talk, but I wasn't sure I should, so I guess it took some time to come to you. I'm still not quite sure I want to do this."
"Then we'll just sit here." Mac motioned towards the couch. Harm made a point not to sit down where Sturgis had just sat. Mac noticed, but didn't say anything about it. She sat down in the armchair right next to the couch and their knees ended up almost touching.
"I'm sorry Mac. I shouldn't have come here. I interrupted you."
"Harm, I'm glad you came here," Mac interrupted him and put her hand over his. "You're always welcome."
"It's just. If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone?"
"Harm, I can keep a secret," Mac said. A few months earlier and she would have felt like he implied that she couldn't and been hurt and angry, but they were past that and there was no hurt or resentment in her voice, just reassurance and concern for her friend.
"You know when we went to the Seahawk and you investigated Singer... I didn't tell you everything I knew." He made a pause to see how she reacted. He could she that she wasn't pleased with what she'd heard, but she didn't seem very surprised either and he was sure she was going to hear him out.
"I know who the father is,"
Mac's head started going on high wire. 'How could Harm know who the father was? Why hadn't he told her?' Her head came to a conclusion her heart didn't like, but once the doubt was there she needed to know.
"And now she's planning on giving the child up for adoption and she won't even talk to the father about it. She doesn't let him have a say in it at all." Harm continued.
"Who is the father, Harm?" Mac asked knowing that she might be jumping to conclusions to fast, but she needed to ask. She couldn't and didn't want to imagine that what she was thinking could be true.
"I can't tell you who the father is, Mac"
Mac took a deep breath. They had promised each other to ask the hard questions to avoid misunderstandings and now was one of those occasions where that was what she had to do.
"Is it you?" she just needed to know. Was it worth the risk? No, but neither was continuing to think that he might be if he wasn't.
"NO, how can you think that?" Harm got up and walked towards the windows. That question had hurt. Did she really think that he would sleep with Singer and then let her investigate the father of the baby without telling her the truth.
"Harm, I believe you. We said we would ask the hard questions too. I didn't want to think it, I asked so I could be sure. I'm sorry, Harm, I really am. But you should know that even if you had been. I would have been there for you. I know more than well how you get into those situations. Harm, I AM sorry" Mac said and hoped that he would understand that she was sincere.
Harm slowly turned around.
"You once said, apologizing was a sign of weakness," he said.
"Around you, I don't mind being weak. I used to think that the reason why things couldn't work out between us was because we both wanted to be on top. Maybe it was true, we'll never know. I just know that it isn't the problem anymore. Being on top isn't all that important anymore."
Harm walked back towards the couch and sat down.
"Apology accepted," he said seriously. What to say about the other things she had said, he couldn't figure out. She seemed to have given up all hopes of them ever resolving those things that stood between them and a romantic relationship. He didn't know if he had too.
Harm put his hand on hers and took a deep breath, which he let out slowly in a sigh. They looked into each other's eyes. He hadn't intended it, but slowly they moved closer together. Just before their lips touched Harm got up from his seat and went over to Mac's bathroom.
He couldn't kiss her. Not because of the reasons that Mac was thinking at the moment. She thought that he didn't desire her anymore, but he couldn't simply because all of their problems with having a relationship still weren't figured out and he didn't want there to be any confusion about why they had kissed and what it meant to both of them when or if they did.
A few minutes later he stepped out of the bathroom. Mac had started making some tea and set the table with cups, milk and spoons.
"Are you staying?" she asked hoping that he would.
"Yeah," he said carefully to see if that was what she wanted.
Mac smiled and nodded.
"So does the father know about the baby?" Harm looked as if he had no idea what she was talking about.
"The father of Singer's baby," she said to clarify.
"Yeah, I kind of made her call him, but she denied it to him that he would be the father" Harm said.
"Maybe that's the truth. What evidence do you have that he would be?" Mac said trying to get a grip of the situation.
"I kind of saw them together. well not together-together, but..."
"I understand what you mean," Mac said smiling a bit at how Harm managed to tangle himself into the words.
"So do you think he'll try to get involved now?"
"Apparently he thinks that she's telling him the truth. I don't know him all that well, I guess," Harm said with some regret.
"Harm, I know that you're worried and that you care, but I don't think there's anything you can do about it. They are both adults and have to make their own decisions even if they are mistakes. Maybe Singer is telling the truth and someone else is the father."
"But Mac there's a child involved here."
"If you just give them some time. They'll probably work it out themselves. They still have time until the baby comes, right?"
"I guess you're right there."
"Let's hope I am," Mac said.
"You're a good friend, Mac."
"So are you, Harm."
"I'm sorry about earlier."
"Forget about it." Mac said trying not to show how upset him backing away had made her.
"I'll get going now."
"You do that." They both remained seated, neither one making a move to get up.
"OK."
They were still sitting still and then all of a sudden they both got up at the same time and almost knocked each other to the ground.
"Sorry," they both said at the same time. The tension in the air was getting very high and now Harm fled out of the apartment saying a quick goodbye to Mac.
After the door was closed Mac leaned her back against it sighing deeply. She was so glad that she had been able to rebuild her friendship with Harm, but she couldn't help feeling devastated that it could never lead to anything more.
TBC