Authors Note: Faithful readers, I do love you so. Jenny I promise to incorporate Dawn wearing a tambourine on her head whilst eating snake egg jelly somehow. Darklover: Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate them, and would really appreciate it if other reviewed as well. I would like to thank a new reader Alibabwa for joining the ranks and reviewing! I appologize for this taking so long. I have been out with the flu for over a week now and such have had no thoughts of writing, most thoughts were 'cough bad. fever bad. must die now.' But I am feeling much better and so had to write! Enjoy and I hope more of you are reading this than the 3 reviewers I have. Even if its an anonymous review please let me know what you think. Happy New Year, here's to a super story filled 2004!

I had been on the phone all morning with Giles. I told him everything Spike had said the night before. All of that crap about me and him coming from the same place or whatever. The cordless phone is one hell of an invention, I could talk about all of this in the backyard without anyone else knowing it.

"But Giles, you know he was only saying it to get Willow to side with him. He doesn't want to get staked that'll make a vampire say anything." It was also time for the spring poking. As I talked I poked at the ground, multitasking is a gift.

"Buffy, think I need to come back."

"Great, so what'd Buffy fuck up this time Giles? I just want to know if he was lying so I can stake him."

"You've done nothing wrong. I need to stop by my mother's house, pick up some older Council documents. Things that were reserved for the eldest members, and some things only her and Travers know."

"Travers? Great, I really screwed up this time."

"No, my mother used to run the Council as he now does, she has things that may shed light on this, er, development."

"Great, it's not a lie, it's a one hour photo of fun!"

"Buffy, please, trust me, keep Spike there. I am sure Tara can bind him to the house so he can't leave."

"If you think I'm letting him out of that chair..."

"I've lived with him Buffy, I know what a pain in the ass he will become after a day or two in that chair. Again, trust me he won't hurt anyone, she can bind him to that too."

"Fine, whatever, you're the watcher, I'm just the stupid slayer always getting involved in wacky hijinx."

"Is something wrong Buffy? You are being quite cross with me, and I've done nothing wrong." Sarcasm, like multitasking is a gift.

"Sorry Giles, I'm just tired, I haven't been sleeping well."

"Well it's understandable with someone as dangerous as Spike..."

"It's not that. I mean it's Spike, but it's not that. I'll explain it all when you get here."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thanks." I reluctantly hung up the phone. There was a sinking feeling in my stomach, a feeling that told me loud and clear, Spike probably knew a bit more than I did about what I was. Then again, Dracula had said that too. Something about me not understanding my power, where it comes from. Both he and Spike had told me I belonged in the darkness, that it was my true nature. Maybe for Faith, but that wasn't my style. I am a warrior of the light, I am the slayer protecting the world from evil while maintaining perfect hair and a manicure.

I was tired, so I went inside to take a nap. Dawn and Spike were watching some horrible daytime television show. I was letting her stay home from school too much. Maybe I should just let Willow and Tara home school her, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Worrying, did I worry this much before I was dead? Seems like all I do now is worry. Worry about bills, about Dawn, about everything, but worrying doesn't fix anything. Its so much, and it's so overwhelming, and I just feel so helpless. That's right, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, helpless and terrified.

She was in her room, familiar, but different. Tara was standing there, with a card in her hand. The card had two hands on it, it was one of those tarot cards. "You think you know, what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun." It was only a second.

She was back at the Iniative standing before Riley, and was that Adam? Her dress had cherries on it. The Adam man spoke, "She's uncomfortable with certain concepts. It's understandable. Agression is a natural human tendency, though you and me come by it another way." Buffy replied too quickly: "We're not Demons!" But he acts as if he knows things she doesn't, "Is that a fact?"

The desert, she could see the waves of heat coming off the sand. Tara walked towards her, wearing orange, but there was a girl, a creature, circling her like a shark. Tara began, "I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone. The Slayer does not walk in this world." She begged for the creature to speak for itself, and it did, "No friends! Just the kill. We. Are. Alone!" Something inside of Buffy stirred at this, she knew that this too was apart of her legacy, but this girl, looked so fierce, eventually the words came to her mouth, "It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really gonna have to get over the whole ... primal power thing. You're not the source of me." But she knew that she was lying.

Dracula's castle was lit with candles, and it was like a fantasy, only this was real and she knew this had happened. "All those years fighting us. Your power so near to our own, and you've never once wanted to know what it is that we fight for? Never even a taste?" She had been curious when Angel was there, she had wanted to ask him, but didn't. "I'm not hungry." "No. Your craving goes deeper than that. You think you know, what you are, what's to come. You haven't even begun... Find it. The darkness. Find your true nature." She felt it stir inside of her, the darkness, it wanted more of what he had to offer, but pieces of her fought it too, fought it so hard, fought it back with tooth and nail, fist and fang. He did know her power better than she knew it herself, almost as if he had it in him, the bond she felt, no that was thrall, not a bond.

And then there was him, Spike, standing before her, cock-sure and arrogant. "The problem with you, Summers, is you've gotten so good, you're starting to think you're immortal."

"You think we're dancing?" She had asked him behind the Bronze, she had asked for it, had wanted to know. How did he do it? But the answer wasn't what she wanted, Why did they lose? Because they wanted to? He speaks and all she wants to do is spit on him, kick him, tear him to pieces."That's all we've ever done, love. And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even You. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens... CLAP! You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day." A revelation, she sees it now, but it's much easier to push it back, 'I'm going to ignore you and you're going to go away' But he didn't and neither did that feeling.

"You think you know, what you are, what's to come, you haven't even started."

She was before Giles, trying to understand what it was doing to her, always feeling like part of the story was lost to her, "Yeah. Strength, resilience, those are all words for hardness. I'm starting to feel like being the Slayer is turning me into stone. I don't know. To slay, to kill. It means being hard on the inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words."

He sent her to the desert, it's always the desert. And again she was there, primal and angry, but powerful, "You think you're losing your ability to love. You're afraid that being the slayer means losing your humanity. You are full of love. You love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire, blinding. That's why you pull away from it." But it couldn't be, what could this monster know of love? "I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?" She knew the answer that was coming, she had realised it with Riley, "Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the slayer forges strength from pain. Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. For it will bring you to your gift. Death is your gift." But she was done risking the pain, no more pain for her, she had enough pain with Angel, and then her mother, and now Dawn, she was a regular pain-o-meter. Dawn, how could she do it, to her, to a child? Inflict her gift?

Willow had gotten inside her head somehow, "Buffy, c'mon. It's your brain. Just tell me. What happened here?" She didn't understand the how or why, but those things rarely mattered did they? "This was when I quit, Will. Just for a second. I remember I was in the magic shop. I put a book back for Giles. Nothing special about it. And then, it hit me. I can't beat Glory. Glory's going to win." She had given in, it was her gift after all. "You can't know that." But she could, "I didn't just know it. I felt it. Glory will beat me. And in that second of knowing it, Will ... I wanted it to happen. I wanted it over. This is - all of this - too much for me. I just wanted it over." One. Good. Day. 'Every Slayer has a death wish, even you.'

It finally seemed so clear, the answer, the slayer wasn't a killer, she had told herself this so many times, and this wasn't a kill, this was death, death handed to her on a pretty silver tray with promises and fortunes abound, "Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is the work I have to do. Tell Giles... Tell Giles I figured it out. And... I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me." She fell from that tower and it all made sense, Spike made sense, the first Slayer made sense, it all fell together as she hit the ground.

But she was back on top of that tower, and things weren't the same"Is this Hell?" No matter what the answer was she knew, it was hell.

Back to her home, her former home, it had never felt the same since she came back. He was there again, always knowing what to say, knowing what she had to do, feeling it, understanding,"Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?" She only looked down at the blood covered scabs, only vampires suffered the same fate as she had, only they came back, and her.

She was in her rom, the window wide open, and she heard him, true as ever, knowing too much still, feeling her, speaking his heart, unafraid of the pain, brave to the point of stupidity, "Listen. I've figured it out. Maybe you haven't, but I have. Willow knew there was a chance that she'd come back wrong. So wrong that you'd have to... that she would have to get rid of what came back. And I wouldn't let her. If any part of that was Buffy, I wouldn't let her. And that's why she shut me out." But she had come back wrong, empty, without an ounce of feeling in her. Was this what it felt like to be without a soul? Had she turned? If she was broken would they dispose of her?

Again he was there, knowing what she needed, because he needed it too. "Why are you always around when I'm miserable?" "'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days." Two birds of a bloody feather.

She was lost, and he had promised to make it right, and somehow he always had before, maybe he could teach her how to function like this, maybe he could take care of her. Maybe she could run away with him and her friends would never have to know she wasn't right. "Damn right! I'd hit the demon world. Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air. Hmm? It's fun too." She wanted to believe him, "It's not my kind of fun." But she knew it was, and she had felt it the only urge she had was to fight when she got out of that grave, and it was the only tihng reminding her she was alive now,"Yeah. It is. And your life's gonna get a lot less confusing when you figure that out." but when she figured that out it had gotten so much harder, how could she face them? "You have had so too much to drink at this point, I am cuttin' you off." She knew she couldn't hide from him forever. "You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shop girl. You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels. " And it did.

"Is this Hell?"

Another alley, another night. "You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fellow's motor revving, let the tension marinate a couple-a days, then bam! Crown yourself the ice queen." Ice Queen? "Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?" "It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet. You got no one else!" No she had convinced herself she still had her friends, although they would never be able to understand what they pulled her from, and what they brought back.

They were in an alley, they were always in alleys. The scene was so familiar, it was almost deja-vu, even the night felt like it, the night she had asked how he killed the others, and now it almost felt like he would have his day. "Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong." He could always see straight through her. "It's a trick. You did something to the chip, it's a trick." "It's no trick. It's not me, it's you. Just you, in fact, that's the funny part. 'Cause you're the one that's changed. That's why this doesn't hurt me. Came back a little less human than you were." He had to be wrong. "You're wrong." Even though it felt that way, she truely never thought the day would come that someone would come out and say it. "Then how come you're so spooked, luv? And why can I - do that?" "You're wrong." "Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love." She's got people to love, she just can't feel it. "Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes." Two birds of a bloody feather. "I'm in love with you." There is no love, when there is no soul, she knows this. "You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me ... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?" She remembered professor Walsh calling what she just did as projecting, projecting ones own feelings onto someone else, someone punishable, someone she could hate instead of herself. "Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?"

"That might be how you get off, but it's not my style." Even though it felt so good, it made her feel alive, she knew it was wrong, everything about it was wrong. She wasn't supposed to enjoy a creature like him. "No, it's your calling. Gave me a run for my money, Slayer. Now, I admit it. You've had me by the short hairs. I love you. You know it. But I got my rocks back. You felt something last night." She had felt alive, something she was greatful for, something she owed him for. "Not love." "Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you."

"No, your craving goes deeper than that."

They were in the Doublemeat Palace, she had felt so cheapened by her employment there. "Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead. Some demons love 'em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kinda demon you are, luv?" "I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me, but I am not a demon."

"You think you know, what you are, what's to come."

The balcony at the Bronze, she remembered that night as if it had happened a thousand times. "You see ... you try to be with them... ...but you always end up in the dark ...with me. What would they think of you ... if they found out ... all the things you've done? If they knew ... who you really were? Stop me. No don't close your eyes. Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends ... and tell me ... you don't love getting away with this... ...right under their noses."

"You think you know, what's to come, who you are, you haven't even begun"

They were in her room, he was standing there, he was always there when things were their worst. "Fine, then. See I figured it out, luv. You can't help yourself. You're addicted to the misery. That's why you won't tell your pals about us. Might actually have to be happy if you did. They'd either understand and help you, God forbid, or drive you out where you could finally be at peace, in the dark, with me. Either way, you'd be better off for it, but you're too twisted for that. Let yourself live, already. And stop with the bloody hero trip for a second, we'd all be the better for it."

"I live in the action of death."
"What kind of demon are you?"
"You think you know what you are."
"Find your true nature."
"Death is your gift"
"What's to come."
"You came back a little less human."
"You belong in the shadows."
"You haven't even begun."
"No your craving goes deeper than that."
"You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood."
"I am the blood cry, the penetrating wound, I am destruction, absolute... alone."

"The slayer does not walk in this world."

"Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. Find your nature."

"Find your true nature."

"That's not your world."

"Let yourself live."

I woke up in a sweat. My heart was pounding. Had the signs always been there? I had just wanted to be a normal girl, but maybe I just wasn't made of the stuff.

I leapt out of bed and ran downstairs. That son of a bitch was going to pay for the ideas he put in my head.

I didn't recall Dawn being this big a fan of daytime T.V. When Buffy was gone it was like pulling teeth getting her to sit down and watch Passions with me. Now, she was a bigger junkie than me.

"When mom was still alive she had set up the VCR to record Passions like everyday. So I just keep feeding it tapes, and it keeps recording them. And then I got hooked cos you forced me to watch this crap all summer long. Well it was Passions or Stargate SG-1, which wow for having the MacGyver guy in it BLOWS!" When Dawn got excited she started to ramble as quickly as her sister. "You want some blood?"

"Sure love." She was so eager to keep me. It was as if I were an undead blood sucking puppy that followed her home from school.

Buffy hadn't said a word to me. I heard her dial England on the phone, but then she went outside. Vampire hearing is better than human, but it still has its limits. Then she went upstairs, not a word. I know somethings bothering her, I just wish she'd let it out, otherwise it's surely going to lead to me getting the smithereens beaten out of me. Hell, I wish she'd just stake me and get it over with, unliving tied to a chair really left a lot to be desired. Dawn had been kind enough to loosen the ties that bind me. She even undid my hands, both her and Red know I wouldn't hurt a single one of them.

I didn't even realize what happened until I heard her running down the stairs. "Sssspike!" She yelled as she launched herself at me.

"Here in the living room? If I'd have known you had such a thing for tying me up we could have played this game earlier."

The chair, as well as myself had fallen over and she was punching me hard in the stomach, "So what love? Think you killed yourself another geek's ex?"

"Shut up you lying, sneaking, coniving, son of a bitch!"

"Ooo big words, pet." Then she slapped me. It wasn't meant to hurt, it was meant as an embarassment. It worked. "What did I do now? What're we blaming old Spike for this time?"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

"Stop channeling Dawn and I will." I grabbed her arms to stop her, but she broke free. "We've been down this road before, beating on me isn't going to make you feel any better." Tears were running down her face, and her punches were growing weaker.

"I'm nothing like you! I could never be like any of you!"

"Okay then, you. aren't. me. Check. I got it."

"Fuck you Spike! Damn you all to hell!"

"I already am, but thanks for thinking of me."

"I save you from him, and this is what I get? Buffy's part demon, Buffy's part vampire, Buffy's my bloody valentine." She was mocking me, but I realized it. She had heard me talking to Red last night.

"Is that what this is about? Vampire and Slayer lore? Love, it's only a story, probably no truth in it at all. Call Rupert he'll tell you."

"Yeah, he'll tell me you're right, cos you're always right! You get off on that don't you? Being Mr. Always Right."

"Back up just a second, save me from who? Xander? I could beat that wanker with both arms tied behind my back."

"Nevermind! Stop spreading lies and maybe I'll let you live!"

"Ooo, you promise? Cos god knows I could never get enough of being tied to a chair in your house!" I heard Dawn drop the mug of blood when she walked in.

"BUFFY! Get off of him!" Dawn ran over and feebly hit her sister on the back.

"Dawn stay out of this, this is between me and the evil undead."

"No he's my friend, you get off of him right now or I'll, I'll, I'll scream until your ears bleed and my face turns blue."

"He's not your friend, Spike doesn't have any friends. All he has is the kill. Right Spike? Just one more thing on your demented list of things 'me and Buffy have in common.' But it's not true, I have friends, I have people who love me, you have nothing!" She climbed off me. Seeing in my eyes that her few words dug deeper into me than any knife. "Spike, you're beneath me." Was all she said as she walked off.

I could feel the tears surfacing, but I sucked them back. Just what Dawn needed to add to her picture of me. Crying. Brilliant, just bloody brilliant.

"Spike are you okay?" It was Dawn, she was untying the ropes. "If you run or bite me or do anything stupid when I untie you, I'll stake you myself."

"Don't worry bit, you're safe as houses."

"I never understood that, Safe as houses? I mean how safe are houses?"

"Dawn, don't ever get between your sister and me again." I stood up and stretched, "I don't want to hurt you, and if you get involved I might end up doing so." She fixed the chair and patted on it for me to sit down.

"I'm just gonna tie it around your chest so your arms are free and stuff, cos I know you aren't gonna do anything bad, k?" She leaned in to wrap the rope around me, and I could see it, her carotoid artery, just below the surface of her skin. The things I had done to girls her age were amazing, and I could feel her blood calling to me, begging for me to take it, to save her. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but I couldn't let myself be that weak. I'd show Buffy who was beneath who in this senario, because it certainly wasn't me.

Red and Tara came running down the stairs, both looking mussed and reeking of sex.

"What happened? We heard Dawn yelling and Buffy yelling and why is Dawn retying you up, operative word being retying." Willow asked.

"Buffy attacked him, like some sort of animal. He fell, I couldn't pick him up so I temporarily untied him so he could get upright again."

"Dawnie why didn't you come and get us? We could have lifted him back up."

"She figured you two were busy working on spells and all that rot." I said with a wink.

"There were no spells, spelling maybe, but no spells." Red smiled. "Are you guys okay? She's been so, out of it lately. It's like its not even Buffy sometimes."

"Being dead has a way of doing that to a person." I should know.