AN: Thanks for the reviews again! I promise to start working on the other stories now that I have this one firmly begun! Reviews are always welcome. BTW: all of you need to go out and buy the Firefly DVDs, cos it's some of the best TV I've ever seen (and that includes Buffy and Angel, I would even dare to say that Firefly has the makings to be better than both). So as Captain Mal of the Serenity says: Doing the impossible makes us mighty. Be mighty, buy these DVDs, and hey if you hate it, blame me, send you copies to me and I'll refund your money, but trust me, you won't regret it. But know that everyone who buys the DVDs brings Joss that much closer to being able to make a Firefly movie (his way so it won't end up like the Buffy movie!) and Joss + large budget + good actors = AWESOME MOVIE!! Okay begging session is now officially over. So even if you don't review you should buy Firefly. There, I'm dne now, I swear it!

I was in my room when Tara knocked on the door. "Go away!"

"Buffy, it's Tara, Are you alright?"

"Just peachy, now go away."

"I can't do that Buffy, and you know it. You need to talk to someone, and I'm probably the only someone in this house who can do the listening you need."

I went up to the door and unlocked it. "Why are ou always right?"

"Because I'm no good at being wrong." She smiled, Tara's smile could warm a whole room. I know how Willow oculdn't live without her, she was like an angel, soothing and warm, comforting. She followed me over to my bed.

"So Dr. MacClay, let's play a fun round of 'What's wrong with Buffy.'"

"Buffy, it isn't like that."

"Yes it is. I've tried, really really hard to go back to the way things were, and I just can't do it."

"Maybe the reason it's in the past is that's where that part of your life needs to be. You can't go back to before Buffy, you can't act like the last year didn't happen. I, for one, don't expect that of you and neither do they."

"Funny, they've got a funny way of showing that."

"But this isn't about them, this is about you," she hesitated, "And Spike."

"Just add that to the list of things I shouldn't have done."

"Are you sure? I mean that you shouldn't have been with him? There's nothing wrong with being with him, or liking him, or loving him."

"Loving him? Ha! That's a good one. Try loathing him."

"Maybe you don't like that he is everything you try to supress in yourself. I mean, Buffy, everyone has violence inside of them, you can't act like that isn't there. You aren't perfect."

"Now you tell me!"

"Seriously Buffy. Spike is a good man. He's done a lot for all of us without expecting anything in return. He hasn't tried to lay a finger on any of us, and I don't think he will."

"Yeah William the Bloody Pussycat. Trust me Tara, the first chance he gets he'll eat every single one of us."

"Well he had a chance when Dawn untied him, and he did no such thing."

"Dawn untied him? I'm gonna kill her, it's a good thing he didn't cos he saved the job for me!"

"He's tied back up, she had to untie him to right him after you attacked him."

"Oh."

"You can't just turn back time and do with it what you want. You have to deal with what you have before you."

"And that is?"

"A man who loves you more than anything, who would do anything for you no matter how awfully you treat him. Friends who care so much about you that seeing you like this is killing them. A sister who just wants you to be happy. You've got a lot. It's up to you what you do with it."

"I know. I just, it's just, he makes me so mad. It's like he awakens this part of me that I didn't know was there."

"It's perfectly natural to get mad."

"Tara it's not that I get mad, it's the things I do when I get mad. It's like this thing inside of me turns and my conscious disappears. If you knew the things we had done, you'd blush five ways to Tuesday."

"Well, people don't exactly approve of Willow and me either."

"But Tara, I like it. I like what he sets free in me. Even when we patrol together it's like I can set loose this thing that I can't show to any of you. The hunter in me. The killer in me. And he loves her just the same, and that makes me so mad, because he shouldn't."

"He loves all of you. The good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, he loves all of it, and anyone who truely loves you should love all of that. I know Willow's got problems and I love those just as much as anything I love about her."

"Then why'd you leave?"

"Because it hurt too much to know that I couldn't help her, that my love alone couldn't save her. She was in a bad way, messing with my head, I didn't stop loving her, I just couldn't be used like that anymore."

I didn't know what to say to that. Love is one of those things that sometimes I just don't understand. I looked out the window, it was such a beautiful day. "Giles will be here in a day or two."

"I know. "

"What if what Spike told Willow is true? What if I am part demon?"

"Just more parts to love I guess. Not all demons are bad Buffy, remember that. Clem might be dangerous to the kitten and Dorito population but other than that he's harmless, unless his shrine to Bennifer decides to attack Sunnydale that is. Willow said Angel's working with some good demon, I guess he's green and can sing really good."

"Doyle was part demon and he was a good guy. He used to work with Angel too."

"And Spike, his demon is pretty well under control, and he does a lot of good. Anya too, yeah she's a vengeance demon, but she hasn't done much here in town, and she's really no threat to anyone who hasn't scorned a lover."

"So I could be a good demon? But what about that whole vampire as slayer gone wrong thing?"

"Buffy that happened so long ago, there's nothing you can do about it. You've even said it yourself the only beings that are near to equal to yourself are vamps."

"Yeah I know. Thanks Tara, you're so good to me."

"Just remember you might not love Spike, but you need him, just like you need me." When she said that it hit me.

"You know what I did for him don't you?"

"I remember what happened with Warren, I don't know what you did, or how, I don't want to. I just don't want you to forget why you saved him. He's important, and you need him, probably in ways that Xander and Willow can't help you. I understand this."

"You can't tell anyone about this. About the whole time turning back thing."

"Since when isn't your secret safe with me?" She smiled.

"I should probably go do some appologizing shouldn't I?"

"That might be a good idea. Willow and me will take Dawn out for a while so you can talk to him. When we get back you can find out how many cookies it will take to buy back Dawn's forgiveness."

"Tara?"

"Yes?"

"Don't let me forget why I did all of this okay? Sometimes I get so caught up in my head that things like that slip my mind."

"It's okay, remember about the not being perfect? Forgetting kind of comes with the package."

We both got up and I hugged Tara hard, "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Air. Must. Get. Air."

"Sorry!" I let her go. "Tara, one more thing. How do you remember? Anya said no one but me and her would know."

"You don't know everything about me Buffy, but as with most things you'll understand later. I can't explain it to you, but you'll understand soon."

Red and Glinda grabbed up the Bit and left. Something about movies and milk shakes. I wasn't really paying attention. All I know is that it means I am stuck in this house with Buffy the Psychotic. The girl needs help, something in that brain of hers has gone south, most likely never to return. Her words were still there, hanging in the air around me. See words like that don't necessarily cut you deep, sometimes they hover and just leave little cuts all over, like paper cuts, and just when you think the words are done, they start running with salt water. That salt water being your own tears of course which make all those hundreds of cuts burn even more. It's hell it is.

I heard her heading for the stairs, so I turned up the volume on the T.V. and pretended that I was whole heartedly interested in Oprah's reorganization of people's closets. I didn't look up when she entered the room. I really didn't want to end up on the floor again, and I really didn't feel like becoming a large pile of dust.

"Have you eaten anything today?" She spoke first.

"Think my lunch ended up on the floor somewhere over there." I can't look at her, she'll see the hurt.

"You want me to heat you some more up?"

"Why? So I don't go ballistic and eat your friends?"

"No, because I don't need you going insane from not feeding."

"That takes weeks pet, not a day." She left the room and headed for the kitchen. I didn't look at her once, and for that I am proud. Being in this house will probably be the end of me. She was banging around in the kitchen. Where her mother was some sort of sorceress in the kitchen, Buffy was not. The girl could burn water.

She came back in the room with a mug in each hand.

"Here."

"Sorry pet, I don't fancy you poisoning me right now."

"It's cocoa, hot chocolate, little marchmallows, aren't you just salivating at the thought?"

"Who are you and what have you done with Buffy? Did something attack you upstairs? Glinda work some mojo on you?"

"No." She sat down on the couch. "If I untie you are you gonna do something stupid?"

"I'll try my best to keep my idiocy to a minimum." She untied me, she bloody untied me!

"I'm sorry I jumped you earlier. That wasn't fair, and god, things are still so messy up here you know?" She pointed at her head. "You seem to end up bearing the brunt of it when really none of this is your fault, well some of it is, but not nearly as much as I take out on you."

"Are you feeling alright Slayer? Didn't get a touch of the nuthouse demon again did you? You aren't going to tie me up in the basement to be a buffet for a demon?"

"No! I'm trying to be civil here, civil bordering on nice!"

"Well, appology accepted."

"Thanks." She sat back and sipped her cocoa. "You piss me off so much sometimes."

"That's all part of the charm, love."

"No, I mean no one gets under my skin like you."

"Told you I would." I winked at her remembering many mornings covered in bruises and scratches from a different kind of dance.

"Spike, I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but why do you love me?"

"Why does anyone love anything really?"

"Let's not answer a question with a question, I'm trying to be serious here."

"Dunno. Maybe it's cos you're the only bird to ever give me a run for my money. It's hard to find an equal out there, you above all should know that. Otherwise, I don't know Summers, there's something about you that I guess I can't shake. You're inside me, you've tainted everything I see and do. It's like you've become a part of me, and I can't let you go."

"That's beautiful." There wasn't an ounce of sarcasm in her voice.

"What?"

"The way you put things, you just have this way with words. You really should write this stuff down. I remember once you said, 'I'd see it all again, do something more quickly, more clever, every night I save you.' That was so perfect, and sometimes I wish it was true."

"What's that love?" If only she knew the horrible poet I once was, using words like effulgent, and calling eyes orbs of honey. She'd think again what she had to say.

"I wish you could save me."

"From what, you're not much of a damsel in distress, and trust me I've known damsels."

"From myself, from my life, from all of this. I can fight the forces of darkness, save the world a thousand times but my worst enemy is usually myself." Rarely had I seen her so honest, so naked. I know she didn't strip down like this for just anyone. "Isn't that ironic? The darkest force to be reckonded with is me." She laughed, but it wasn't in jest, it was a laugh of resignation.

"Slayer, there's another way of saving you from life, and that's death, something I can give you, but won't. You know that. And you aren't a force of darkness, you walk the edge, as many of us do, we stray into both, but unlike myself, you can walk in the light and do. I can't walk in the light for you. I've tried to help you, I've tried in every way I can think to ease your burden, make things simpler, easier, but you're just so damn thick headed sometimes. Sometimes I think I should go, leave this god forsaken hole in the ground. But I can't. I think of you, and the bit, the witches, hell even the wanker and demon girl, and I can't bring my feet to move. They are just as much a part of you as you are of me, and I feel like I can't abandon any of you because someone has to be strong for you. None of them are strong enough to bare your brunt, but I am. So I stay, I love, I hurt, but I stay."

"Like none them have. None of them stayed you know? They said they loved me, but when it came right down to it, they left. I guess love, when the going gets tough or things get hard, well I guess love leaves. It's got better things to do, investigations to conduct, brooding to do, wives to find, secret government agendas to fulfill. They always left. A part of me thinks I drove them away, pushed them away like I push you. But you just don't move, you hold your ground. It gives me the wiggins, but I can respect that about you."

"Respectable? Me? Sure you aren't delusional?"

"Stop it Spike, I mean that. I don't love you, but I do care about you, sort of. You're obnoxious, and pig headed, and have no knack what so ever for planning ahead, but you're strong, and solid like. You're a warrior on more fronts than even me." She got up and kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks."

"For what?" My brain might as well have exploded in my head, that girl could do something to me that I hadn't felt in decades, I swear when she kissed me, my heart let go a single beat.

"For being strong enough to stay, and push back no matter how hard I push you away." With that she turned and went up the stairs.

Now, I'm not a psychologist, I've seen Dr. Phil plenty though, but I'm thinking what she is could be described as Bi-polar. One minute she a raving lunatic, the next a perfectly rational girl. The sad thing? I'm not sure which one I love more. She did yell down one more thing, "And don't even think that any of that means I'm going to untie you to eat us in our sleep!" Well, she isn't perfect, thick headed yes, but far from perfect.