Author's Note: Wow! I would like to thank thank thank Tigerdreams for the kindest words! I am thrilled that you enjoy this story (just as I am thrilled that all of you do), and wowzers am I thrilled to have made Spuffy a possibility to you. That's probably the nicest thing anyones ever said to me! Well you just earned a chapter dedication, so this one's for you! I would also like to thank everyone else who reviewed, and welcome to some new readers and reviewers. Remember if you review I feel inspired to write a chapter more quickly! So a big thanks to Jenny and Spygirl, for pushing me on too!!

She stands twelve feet above the flood
She stares Alone
Across the water
The loneliness grows and slowly
Fills her frozen body
Sliding downwards
One by one her senses die
The memories fade
And leave her eyes
Still seeing worlds that never were
And one by one the bright birds leave her...

Starting at the violent sound
She tries to turn
But final Noiseless
Slips and strikes her soft dark head
The water bows
Receives her
And drowns her at its ease...

I would have left the world all bleeding
Could I only help you, love
The fleeting shapes
So many years ago
So young and beautiful and brave
Everything was true
It couldn't be a story...

I wish it was all true
I wish it couldn't be a story
The words all left me
Lifeless
Hoping
Breathing like the drowning man -R. Smith 'The Drowning Man', The Cure Album: Faith

"Just breath love, just breathe." It was easy for him to say because he didn't need to. I had never been so terrified of what I am until this day. The only other time I can remember being this scared was when I was back on to of that tower with Dawn, only without the gaping dimensional portal. Tara was so damn calm, I really could have hit her, I love her to death, but I'm in a panic situation and she's all, 'see, learn, blah blah blah.'

The landscape shifted until the two men, the ones that didn't get eaten before, once again left the hut. This time, they had apparently gotten it right, because out pops dread-head. She's scary primal, but I feel this link to her, like I know her, like I feel everything she's been through.

"That's the first slayer? Damn, Red was right, she's one ugly bird." Spike spoke, I just glared at him.

We turned back to the hut, where they were dragging the first girl we saw out of the hut. She was flailing, and she had her game face on. She growled at the first slayer. I guess this is like first vamp vs. first slayer. Though it doesn't seem like much of a fair fight, as first vamp is tied up. The first vamp wasn't about to go down without a fight though, she broke free of the shaman holding her, taking a nice chunk out of his neck. She didn't even try to feed, she just ripped him open, letting him bleed to death. First slayer was observing the other girl. She was also sniffing the air, which I am so glad is no longer part of the slayer gig.

"You know what you are to do." The last remaining shaman said. He was the oldest one, a true surprise when it came to survival.

The first slayer did know. Just as I did, just as I think all of us slayers knew. She broke a stick off of that tree, and within moments impaled the vampire on it. All that was left a second later was dust. It mixed with the sand and blew away. I guess I could see where showing me that I am made of that, that creature which I am sworn to kill would be important. But I didn't need 'How to Kill a Vampire 101.'

"Tara? Are we done here?"

"This was the beginning, this is what you are. But there is more, what you are becoming." She looked at me and smiled, reaching out and touching my face she said, "You are more today than she was, and you may be more than you are now."

In hallucination land things move quickly. Also everyone speaks English, which is a major bonus to me cos I couldn't master French let alone ancient African languages. Soon the image in front of us changed. We were in the same spot, but things had changed. What hadn't changed was the first slayer. She was still there. But she didn't seem as animalistic as she had at first, or as she had when she came to us in our dreams. Where the tent had been was now a graveyard. Well I guess it was a graveyard, cos she was sort of patrolling in it.

"She is as old as you are now. Only two of you have lasted this long, besides her."

"Why?"

"Don't you know? There were things binding you to this plane. You too are chained to the earth. Your links are made of different stuff. Yours are friends, family, the people around you. The other had a child, but even a child can only bind you to this plane for so long. But her, the oldest, she was bound by duty. Perhaps she lasted this long because they didn't know about her, they hadn't had time to gather, her legend hadn't spread as it has by now for you. But still she survived." Tara stopped and turned back to the events before us.

I had never thought of it that way, my binds being those around me. I guess though they were, as not even death could sever the link.

She patrolled, she staked, but then something strange happened. Something that I guess also shows how unoriginal I really am. She stopped in front of a vampire. This one hadn't crawled from the ground as the others had, but instead it had been there the whole time, watching her. Apparently Mud 'n' Dreds was all the rage when they made her, because Vamp Dude was all covered in the mud too. Again, thank god things have changed since then.

"You are ready now slayer." He spoke to her, she only nodded. The moon above them was full, and bright, it made everything brighter. "You come to me because you have been drawn, your blood sings to me, as mine does to you."

"Yesss." She answered. She seemed different though. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it was like she was drawn to him, not by thrall, but by some sort of lust. Like she needed him. She walked into his outstretched arms, and he held her.

"This is your final night. But you already knew this didn't you slayer?" She didn't speak, again she nodded. He tipped her head to him and kissed her softly. In that moment she seemed to stop being the slayer, and just seemed like a girl with a very fangy boyfriend, making out in some ancient cemetary. Something I knew a lot about.

"So what, she makes with the vampire smoochies? Is this what I have to see?"

"No, watch, see."

When I looked back, I saw something that hadn't been there before. She was sick. She wasn't in top form, something was wrong with her. "Tara, what's wrong with her?"

She didn't get a chance to answer, Spike did. "She's dying, love."

"What's wrong with her? Why is she dying? How do you know she's dying Spike?" I got a bit hysterical then. I don't know why, it just felt unfair.

"I can smell it. Sometimes we can smell death, death before it comes. I don't know why she's dying, but she is."

Buffy turned her tearfilled eyes to Tara. I wish I could have given her a better explanation than, 'she's dying' but I didn't know what else to tell her. I had only seen this look on the Slayer's face once before, it was when I found her on her back porch. I predict that's the night she found out something was wrong with Joyce, but I can't really be sure.

"Spike is correct, she is dying. Her own blood is poisoning her."

"What?" She was astonished, not that I can really blame her.

"The demon in her blood, it's killing her."

"Okay, but that's cos they didn't figure out how to make her right, right away. I mean this was like a one time glitch, those shamen guys totally fixed her right?"

"I think something else fixed her." I nodded for her to watch the scene playing out in front of her. The vamp was sucking the girl dry, I could sense when she was at the point you would turn her, it's right when the heart first stops, you can't take more than that. But he didn't stop, he finished her off, dropped the body, and ran off. Coward.

"But this was fixed right?"

Tara looked down at the ground, "It couldn't be fixed. But more importantly the shamen didn't see fit to fix this problem, as a slayer's worth was only imporant in so far as she was productive. A few more years and she wouldn't have been worth her weight."

"So, wait I don't have an expiration date, I have a freshness date? For best slayage please keep around for 21-22 years?"

"It will be beginning soon. Your human blood will begin attacking the demon blood in your system. It's like leukemia, where your blood cells go crazy and start attacking healthy cells thinking they are invaders. Well eventually the human blood turns on the demon inside."

"So we let the demon blood die, then I'm all real girl. Can hang up my stakes, maybe get a house with a white picket fence and 2 point 5 children, a god damn cat named Fluff."

"It doesn't work that way, you can't survive with your blood fighting it's own personal war." I said, but I don't think she heard.

"If anything Buffy, the demon blood will win. You won't be a girl at all."

"So what, I'm turning into a demon?"

"In a sense."

"Stop with the 'sort of' crap! I'm dying... Again! Tell me what they think will happen!"

"The human blood will consume your demon blood, and thus all of your strength. Eventually you will die. Your living body can't survive without the demon blood. You aren't human, you are more than human, without the demon your body will fall apart and you will die. Alternately if your demon blood fights back hard enough, it will kill everything about that is human, until there is nothing but the demon, which cannot survive in a living human shell."

"Great, thanks, for bringing me back, so I can die again!" Karma must really hate the slayer, she just gets screwed so damn often.

"But you said something about the New York slayer, she was hunting me or something."

"Yes, Nikki. She made to this age, and she saw what you have seen. There was a rumour, about a way to possibly stop this, and offer the slayer some sort of life."

"Some sort of life, wow, that sounds fulfilling." Buffy sarcastically remarked. I really couldn't blame her. The landscape around us shifted until I knew where we were. Central Park, it was night, and there was me and her, dancing the night away. I forgot how good she was. The Chinese slayer was all swords and fancy martial arts, but the New York slayer, Nikki, well she had some moves, fists and, well I guess I had the fangs. Moves I didn't see again until Buffy. Maybe that's why I videoed her, maybe that's why I couldn't kill her, I wanted to dance just a while longer with her. "Is that her? Nikki?"

"Yeah love, that's her."

"And that's you too?" She motioned to my younger self.

"Yup." she watched us go back and forth.

"Well, all right. Got the moves, don't you? I'm gonna ride you hard before I put you away, luv." I nearly snorted at the girl.

"You sure about that? You actually look a little wet and limp to me. And I ain't your 'luv.' " Buffy laughed when she said that, at least she was laughing.

We went back and forth, but finally we broke apart, I wasn't ready to kill her yet. Guess I got that from Angelus, sometimes it was worth it more to walk away and kill them another day. "Don't want the dance to end so soon, do you, Nikki? The music's just starting, isn't it? By the way...love the coat."

"See Tara, I got issue with this. I looked a long time for this slayer. She wasn't easy to find, now you tell me, she was hunting me? Something's not right here."

"It took you so long because she was looking for the two of you."

"The two of who?"

"Yourself or Angelus. She needed one of the two of you to help her."

"Help her what?"

"She wanted you to turn her. There is a reason to believe that even if turned a slayer keeps her soul. It's a way to let the demon live in the body without it killing her."

"That's because I'm dead, no heartbeat, thirst for the blood of the innocent, kinda the first things we look for when trying to see if someone is a vampire. I should know, I'm kinda an expert around these parts."

"Angelus wouldn't do it, he had his soul at the time. So she came looking for me to do it. But why, I mean there were hundreds of vampires in New York at the time. Or hell, there was always Drusilla. And why couldn't they figure out a way to let the human live without the demon?"

"Yes, because Drusilla was so stable that she could be trusted to turn a slayer." Buffy riffed at me.

"I'll have you know New York was one of her more sane periods."

"Spike, your line goes back to the first. It is actually the shortest route to the beginning that you vamps have. The slayer needs a vampire who's bloodline is as close to hers as possible. You were the logical one to go to after Angel. Drusilla and yourself share the same level of separation from the original, you are only 4-5 steps from the beginning. It makes more sense for her to seek a male though, and well, it was pretty well known by then how insane Drusilla was. Plus we all sort of figured since you had killed a slayer it was a natural progression for you to want to turn one."

"We? Who exactly are we, pet?"

"The Guardians, the Watchers, and a few others higher up than my kind. We can't do anything to remove the demon without killing her, but then there is no way to make her human again. It's impossible."

"So you guys picked Spike, sent Nikki after him, but he didn't turn her."

"I snapped her neck. On the subway, she put up a hell of a fight, but she started to fail at the end, it was just a small thing, but she let me pin her, and I snapped her neck. I never even thought about turning a slayer, well not until Buffy at least."

"What!?! You wanted to turn me?"

"When you fell from that tower, for a minute I thought about it. I could have done it, but in the end I couldn't. Would've been the death of me, and I couldn't bare the thought of your mates having to stake you."

"Our time here is done. You have seen all that can be revealed. I believe you know what I was getting at when I told you about 'some sense of a life.'"

"An unlife. So I get an unlife, or I die."

"Only your dead shell can hold the demon, your living human body cannot handle the pure demon, but we can't get the demon out of you."

"Will I kill people?"

"That's your choice, soul or no soul, you can make the choice to kill or not." At least I did know something about this, I don't know not much about being a slayer, but I know a hell of a lot about being a vampire, you have urges to kill, but if you feed you can get your rocks off plenty just by killing other demons. And to feed all you really need is blood, any blood, human or not.

Tara looked up the the sky and shouted "Finate!" The next thing any of us knew was we were back in the training room at the Magic Box.

Buffy was panting next to me. When she looked up her eyes were full of tears. She pulled herself up and looked at Giles. It was the sort of stare that the phrase 'if looks could kill' was written about.

"I can see how it would seem inconvient to tell me that I was dying. What's this? Third time's a charm?" The anger underneath the words was painful, "I can't believe you didn't tell me about this Giles. You are my watcher, I depend on you to tell me what I need to know, when I can still do something about it. I can't believe you betrayed me like this. When I get back to my house I hope you aren't in it." She turned for the back door, and took off running, I saw a gleam of tears when she turned her head to look back once.

"Buffy..." Rupert began.

"Shut up Rupert. There is nothing you can say to change this, at least not right now. Did you know she was dying?"

"Yes, but when she died I was so overwhelmed with gried I forgot about it. It wasn't until she caled me with what she overheard you telling Willow that I remembered. But prior to that, we were trying to defeat Glory, I didn't have the time to tell her these things."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Tara looked like she was going to break down.

"Rupert, take her home, and get a room at the Sunnydale Motel, I'll stop by later."

"You.. You can't go out alone, you're going to hurt someone, and I'll be to blame." Tara was rambling now. For a girl who sounded so on top of things in a hallucinatory world, she sure was messed up now.

"You have my word Tara, I'm not going to hurt anyone, I just need to make sure she doesn't hurt herself alright? Plus remember, you bound me or some rot, so I can't hurt someone even if I wanted to."

"O-o-okay. Can you tell her I'm sorry?"

"Of course love. Now off with the two of you." I got up and walked out the same door she had, only I didn't look back. The girl was drowning in a world full pain, and this time, it might just pull her under.