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It seemed to take forever for me to debate over what I needed and didn't need to do.
"Kurama, just tell me the truth. I can take it," Botan insisted. She looked at me so imploringly, that it stung. She was desperate to know. I, on the other hand, didn't want to tell her. It would keep her away from me. She would try to figure out a way to make Hiei agree to being with her, just as I had tried to formulate a way to keep her with me.
"I can't do that. I'll tell you when the time is right. Hiei is a little confused over everything. I'll talk to him then. Maybe the blow to his head knocked his senses out of line," I replied slowly. Hiei must have had something wrong with him if he didn't see Botan the way I did. She gets a little talkative sometimes, but with Hiei, that would be okay. Hiei seems to enjoy listening rather than talking.
I noted with sad realization that Hiei and Botan would be happy together. I would just be a worthless stone in their path.
I felt her look at me, trying to find the real reason why I didn't want to tell her. "Kurama, that doesn't sound like you. Please tell me what's wrong with you."
"What do you mean?" I hadn't expected for this to turn over.
"I mean everything. None of this makes any sense and it doesn't sound anything like you. It's like something has taken over your mind!" She gripped my arm, nearly knocking me to the ground. My balance was off because of the little usage of my legs in the past few days. "What's been going on in your mind? Is it something that you go through living as a human? Is it your mother? What is it?"
"What hasn't sounded anything like me?" I asked. I wasn't playing stupid; I was honestly confused. I've been thinking normally, excluding the fact that I attempted suicide . . .right?
"Like Yukina. At first it didn't seem so wrong. Everyone tries to make her happy because she's such a nice person. I didn't mind that. You allowing Yukina to be in public with humans was okay. We all know that she gets isolated as an ice apparition. When I saw you kissing Yukina, it occurred to me that something was wrong. I know you well enough, even if you do keep a lot of things hidden. I've seen your demon records. It's not like you. You wouldn't do that in front of humans. I know that a lot of human girls like you. You enjoy having a clean record, keeping everything hidden from them."
This wasn't necessarily true, but it was close enough. I allowed her to continue.
"So tell me. What's wrong? Can I help with anything?"
Yes, I thought sadly, forget Hiei. He doesn't want you, I do. Look into my eyes and see it! It has to be written on my face.
"Let's just say that you are the reason," I began softly. "You can't help. I've already been isolated."
"I'm the reason?!" She said in awe. "I'm the reason for this?"
"Partly. Most of it was entirely my fault. Me and my blindness." I gripped her hand tentatively. I would never be able to take her hands into mine or warm them during the winter months. "Please don't ask further questions. I want to be left alone. I should see my mother before she has a heart attack. I thank you for caring for my wounds."
I moved away from her before my heart toyed with my broken mind. I needed to heal my deeper wounds on my own.
"I'm the reason you tried to kill yourself?!" she exclaimed, still in awe over my words. "But why?"
I bowed my head slightly, feeling the chilly breeze of the air move through my hair. Maybe it wasn't obvious to her. How wonderful it must be to be unconscious of the pain of others. I wish I could have been oblivious to my own pain. No. It would be there to haunt me until I was smart enough to forget her. This wouldn't happen too soon. Botan was the deity that haunted my dreams. I know it sounded like useless gibberish, but it was true. Why couldn't she see it?
I entered my human household after locating the keys. I took off my shoes at the door. My mother had said that she would be able to return home in a day or so when I last spoke to her. That was two days ago. She should be home unless something happened to her. If she was still ill, I would call her on the phone. I didn't want her to see that my heart was breaking. It would hurt her emotionally to see that her 'perfect' son was hurting and she was unable to do anything.
"Mother?" I called out. My voice echoed through the house. It was still. Still as death. She wasn't home.
I noticed the answering machine blinking on the phone stand. I pushed a button.
"You have 22 messages," the mechanic voice said in its robotic monotone. I pushed play and sat down, wondering who left the messages.
The sound of static echoed through the living room. I heard the distant giggling of a group of girls. I lowered my head and moaned in sad frustration. It must have been some of the human girls from school. Why did they feel overly affectionate for me when Botan couldn't? Did I only attract human girls?
"Suichi, I know you're wondering how I got your phone number. Well, let me tell you! I looked up in the phonebook," began a girl. Her voice was high with excitement.
I frowned. There were at least 20 Minamino families in our city. It was a common name.
"Yeah, well, I called every single one of them. This was the only one that had your voice on the answering machine so I figured it was your house. Isn't that the niftiest thing ever? I have Suichi Minamino's number now! I coulda died from happiness!"
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry from the love in her voice. It was hurting me. It seemed to mock how I felt. Why did I have to be cursed with this life? Was Kamisama punishing me for my previous life as a fox demon? I listened through all of the messages, my heart aching more and more with each passing message filled with giggling females. I felt as if I deserved it. I reached to push the delete button for the last message. I didn't have the heart to hear another torturous show of emotion. My hand froze in midair as I heard the message.
"Suichi Minamino, this call is from the Sarayashiki* Hospital on behalf of your mother, Shiori Minamino."
My heart pulsed painfully. Please, I don't need this too, I thought.
"This is Dr. Fujiwara. I called to tell you that your mother has fallen ill again. It's very unfortunate. Once again, we haven't been able to diagnose her to see what her disease is. I want to inform you that we are doing what we can."
The message clicked, cutting off the message. I deleted it and stared at the machine. Ironic, as usual. When I was ill, my mother caught yet another disease. Why me? Why was my life destined to be an ironic soap opera?
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*Sarayashiki-Well, that's the name of Yusuke's Jr. High, so I figured to name the hospital that.
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