Joe Wizard—"Wizard Reality TV"
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Joe Wizard, the latest in Wizarding reality television. Tonight, we will meet Minerva, a beautiful witch who is looking for a wizard to spend the rest of her life with. These people may appear to have known each other, but thanks to a careful process of memory extraction, they wouldn't know each other from any other muggle on the street! Let's meet our lovely witch now!" said a tall witch with dark hair and green eyes. She gestures towards a large television screen and it turns on, beginning to show images of the woman in question.
"I've been a teacher at Hogwart's for going on 36 years. I've had a fulfilling career thus far, but I've always felt that there was something missing from my life. I am really looking for someone that I can really talk to, settle down with and spend the rest of my life with. Intelligence is far more important to me than physical beauty. I want a man that can be my equal on an intellectual as well as on an emotional level," a voice said as the pictures of a graceful, lovely woman of about 70 was shown from several angles and in different scenes. One standing on the beach, another standing on a balcony, another in her office grading papers at her desk, and yet another teaching her classes.
"Now," said the host of the show, "let's meet the lucky men she'll be choosing from!" One at a time, pictures of twelve men rolled across the screen.
Albus Dumbledore's face was the first to materialize on the screen. He is an elderly man of 150 according to the bar at the bottom of the screen and is the headmaster of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Albus spent his on screen time talking about his favorite sweets and how he hoped that this Minerva liked sweets as much as he did.
"I believe that there is a woman out there for me but I just haven't met her yet. Perhaps this Minerva is the one I've been searching for and I will be meeting her here for the first time...." said Dumbledore with a whimsical smile.
Severus Snape, 35, also of Hogwart's School, was the next to appear. He teaches potions at Hogwarts, one of the more difficult subjects in the curriculum, and he was hoping that the intellectual nature of his job would click with Minerva's.
"Intellectual women are stimulating. I enjoy a woman who can keep up with me on a verbal level. If I can have a productive conversation with a woman without her angering me, I know we'll have some very good chemistry."
Remus Lupin's face came up next. He was smiling, his boyish charm plainly visible. He claimed that he was looking for a woman who would appreciate his wild side. Filius Flitwick's on-screen appearance was short...pardon the pun. He didn't say much, other than to state that he teaches charms and is looking for the woman of his dreams to appreciate him for who he is and not his height. He likes sushi and hot-tubbing ...anytime!
Rubeus Hagrid's rugged features were the next to be profiled on the screen. Hagrid said he wanted a woman who liked animals. He also wants a woman who won't be intimidated by his height. He said a woman has to be able to handle 100% Hagrid, and if she can't, well, then, maybe it's not meant to be. He likes to party, that's not a secret, and he hopes that Minerva does too.
Argus Filch is an over the hill geezer in a dead-end position as caretaker at Hogwart's. He's hoping to meet his soul mate and sweep her off her feet with his sparkling charm and rapier wit.
Gilderoy Lockhart's gleaming smile graced the screen next, "I'm looking for a woman to be a compliment to my already stunning reputation. She'll be a jewel in my crown. The perfect queen for the perfect king! I mean, we'll have the ceremony at this wonderful little chapel I found in southern England. She'll wear white and I'll wear my favorite color, lavender, but you already knew that because you've all read my books. Minerva has probably read them all already and knows exactly what to expect from me..." The rest of Gilderoy's speech is cut off and the film moves on to the next man.
At this point, the staff lounge was full to the brim. The commercial break allowed several to get up and move around, including Madam Hooch, who brought back a large bowl of popcorn and a keg of butterbeer. The remaining members of Hogwarts staff were crowded around a muggle television that Professor Dumbledore had charmed to work at Hogwarts. The women were joined tonight by students from all four houses that wanted to see their teachers in action.
"My money's on Professor Dumbledore. He's just got a certain quiet quality about him that I think Professor McGonagall likes," said Hermione, passing a bowl of popcorn to Harry.
"I don't know, Hermione. Professor Flitwick may give him a run for his money," said Harry, tossing popcorn into the air and catching it in his mouth as Hermione laughed.
"You Gryffindors can give up now, because you haven't seen the rest of the contestants, and I know exactly who's gonna win this competition," said Draco Malfoy, snatching a handful of popcorn before sitting down cross- legged beside Harry.
"What makes you so sure of that?" asked Ron, cracking open a bottle of butterbeer and passing one to Draco.
"Look," said Draco, pointing at the screen. The show was back on, and the staff were hushing their students so that they could hear.
Alastor Moody's was the next face to appear on the screen. The girls squealed and the boys cried out, "COOL!" when Professor Moody removed his magic eye. Madam Hooch shook her head and let it drop into her hands. "Oh, Alastor, you didn't!" Madam Pomfrey murmured, her eyes open wide and her hands over her mouth. "I just want a woman who can love me for who I am inside. Someone who can see past my eye and love me. I really haven't dated much in my life, seeing as I'm an auror and everything, but I'm planning on retiring soon, and I want someone to share my life with. I'm a cuddler. I like to hold a woman; to touch her. I hope that this Minerva likes to cuddle," said Moody. Poppy Pomfrey's heart melted, "I hope she kicks him off first." Rolanda Hooch gave her a funny look.
"He's a great guy! Why would you wish that?" Hooch said. But then she saw the look on Poppy's face and smiled, "Okay, Poppy. You win. I'll cross my fingers with ya." Madam Pomfrey smiled in return and shook Hooch's hand.
Lucius Malfoy's pale, platinum blonde visage filled the screen next. Several Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs threw popcorn at the TV and boo-ed.
"Draco, isn't your father still married?" hissed Ginny Weasley, who had, since the commercial break, snuggled down in front of Draco and melted backward into his arms.
"Since when has that ever stopped him?" Draco laughed. Harry and Ron had to laugh in disbelief. Ginny shot Draco an icy glare and he got the picture.
"Oh, of course, I would _never_ do that to you, Ginny," Draco said. Satisfied, Ginny smiled again and turned back to face the screen. Harry's scar began to prickle and itch as Voldemort's voice filled the room "I know I've got a reputation for being an evil wizard, but underneath all that, I'm just a guy looking for my place in the world...and a woman who understands me to share it with..." he said. The faculty lounge at Hogwart's was so quiet, the crickets could be heard in the background. All eyes were open wide and all movement had stopped as the evil wizard spoke.
"How the bloody hell did *he* get on that show??" asked Ron. Harry held his scar and shook his head. Draco shrugged.
Dobby the House Elf came onto the screen next. Harry nearly spit all the butterbeer in his mouth out at the screen as Ron, Hermione, Draco and Ginny laughed.
"I is very happy to be here. I am Dobby, ma'am. Dobby the house elf. I is so very pleased to make your acquaintance!" Several shots of Dobby working and one of him simply looking at the camera and smiling shyly. The other staff members shook their heads in disbelief.
"Well," said Professor Sinistra, "We know at least ONE of the men getting kicked off the island tonight."
Firenze the centaur came up next. Many of the female students gasped, drooled, or made some other boy-crazy sign of appreciation. Ron rolled his eyes and Harry laughed.
"Girls!" Ron said. Ginny and Hermione reached across and belted Ron.
After yet another commercial break, the show returned and the audience in the lounge was paying rapt attention to the beginning of the competition.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Joe Wizard, the latest in Wizarding reality television. Tonight, we will meet Minerva, a beautiful witch who is looking for a wizard to spend the rest of her life with. These people may appear to have known each other, but thanks to a careful process of memory extraction, they wouldn't know each other from any other muggle on the street! Let's meet our lovely witch now!" said a tall witch with dark hair and green eyes. She gestures towards a large television screen and it turns on, beginning to show images of the woman in question.
"I've been a teacher at Hogwart's for going on 36 years. I've had a fulfilling career thus far, but I've always felt that there was something missing from my life. I am really looking for someone that I can really talk to, settle down with and spend the rest of my life with. Intelligence is far more important to me than physical beauty. I want a man that can be my equal on an intellectual as well as on an emotional level," a voice said as the pictures of a graceful, lovely woman of about 70 was shown from several angles and in different scenes. One standing on the beach, another standing on a balcony, another in her office grading papers at her desk, and yet another teaching her classes.
"Now," said the host of the show, "let's meet the lucky men she'll be choosing from!" One at a time, pictures of twelve men rolled across the screen.
Albus Dumbledore's face was the first to materialize on the screen. He is an elderly man of 150 according to the bar at the bottom of the screen and is the headmaster of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Albus spent his on screen time talking about his favorite sweets and how he hoped that this Minerva liked sweets as much as he did.
"I believe that there is a woman out there for me but I just haven't met her yet. Perhaps this Minerva is the one I've been searching for and I will be meeting her here for the first time...." said Dumbledore with a whimsical smile.
Severus Snape, 35, also of Hogwart's School, was the next to appear. He teaches potions at Hogwarts, one of the more difficult subjects in the curriculum, and he was hoping that the intellectual nature of his job would click with Minerva's.
"Intellectual women are stimulating. I enjoy a woman who can keep up with me on a verbal level. If I can have a productive conversation with a woman without her angering me, I know we'll have some very good chemistry."
Remus Lupin's face came up next. He was smiling, his boyish charm plainly visible. He claimed that he was looking for a woman who would appreciate his wild side. Filius Flitwick's on-screen appearance was short...pardon the pun. He didn't say much, other than to state that he teaches charms and is looking for the woman of his dreams to appreciate him for who he is and not his height. He likes sushi and hot-tubbing ...anytime!
Rubeus Hagrid's rugged features were the next to be profiled on the screen. Hagrid said he wanted a woman who liked animals. He also wants a woman who won't be intimidated by his height. He said a woman has to be able to handle 100% Hagrid, and if she can't, well, then, maybe it's not meant to be. He likes to party, that's not a secret, and he hopes that Minerva does too.
Argus Filch is an over the hill geezer in a dead-end position as caretaker at Hogwart's. He's hoping to meet his soul mate and sweep her off her feet with his sparkling charm and rapier wit.
Gilderoy Lockhart's gleaming smile graced the screen next, "I'm looking for a woman to be a compliment to my already stunning reputation. She'll be a jewel in my crown. The perfect queen for the perfect king! I mean, we'll have the ceremony at this wonderful little chapel I found in southern England. She'll wear white and I'll wear my favorite color, lavender, but you already knew that because you've all read my books. Minerva has probably read them all already and knows exactly what to expect from me..." The rest of Gilderoy's speech is cut off and the film moves on to the next man.
At this point, the staff lounge was full to the brim. The commercial break allowed several to get up and move around, including Madam Hooch, who brought back a large bowl of popcorn and a keg of butterbeer. The remaining members of Hogwarts staff were crowded around a muggle television that Professor Dumbledore had charmed to work at Hogwarts. The women were joined tonight by students from all four houses that wanted to see their teachers in action.
"My money's on Professor Dumbledore. He's just got a certain quiet quality about him that I think Professor McGonagall likes," said Hermione, passing a bowl of popcorn to Harry.
"I don't know, Hermione. Professor Flitwick may give him a run for his money," said Harry, tossing popcorn into the air and catching it in his mouth as Hermione laughed.
"You Gryffindors can give up now, because you haven't seen the rest of the contestants, and I know exactly who's gonna win this competition," said Draco Malfoy, snatching a handful of popcorn before sitting down cross- legged beside Harry.
"What makes you so sure of that?" asked Ron, cracking open a bottle of butterbeer and passing one to Draco.
"Look," said Draco, pointing at the screen. The show was back on, and the staff were hushing their students so that they could hear.
Alastor Moody's was the next face to appear on the screen. The girls squealed and the boys cried out, "COOL!" when Professor Moody removed his magic eye. Madam Hooch shook her head and let it drop into her hands. "Oh, Alastor, you didn't!" Madam Pomfrey murmured, her eyes open wide and her hands over her mouth. "I just want a woman who can love me for who I am inside. Someone who can see past my eye and love me. I really haven't dated much in my life, seeing as I'm an auror and everything, but I'm planning on retiring soon, and I want someone to share my life with. I'm a cuddler. I like to hold a woman; to touch her. I hope that this Minerva likes to cuddle," said Moody. Poppy Pomfrey's heart melted, "I hope she kicks him off first." Rolanda Hooch gave her a funny look.
"He's a great guy! Why would you wish that?" Hooch said. But then she saw the look on Poppy's face and smiled, "Okay, Poppy. You win. I'll cross my fingers with ya." Madam Pomfrey smiled in return and shook Hooch's hand.
Lucius Malfoy's pale, platinum blonde visage filled the screen next. Several Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs threw popcorn at the TV and boo-ed.
"Draco, isn't your father still married?" hissed Ginny Weasley, who had, since the commercial break, snuggled down in front of Draco and melted backward into his arms.
"Since when has that ever stopped him?" Draco laughed. Harry and Ron had to laugh in disbelief. Ginny shot Draco an icy glare and he got the picture.
"Oh, of course, I would _never_ do that to you, Ginny," Draco said. Satisfied, Ginny smiled again and turned back to face the screen. Harry's scar began to prickle and itch as Voldemort's voice filled the room "I know I've got a reputation for being an evil wizard, but underneath all that, I'm just a guy looking for my place in the world...and a woman who understands me to share it with..." he said. The faculty lounge at Hogwart's was so quiet, the crickets could be heard in the background. All eyes were open wide and all movement had stopped as the evil wizard spoke.
"How the bloody hell did *he* get on that show??" asked Ron. Harry held his scar and shook his head. Draco shrugged.
Dobby the House Elf came onto the screen next. Harry nearly spit all the butterbeer in his mouth out at the screen as Ron, Hermione, Draco and Ginny laughed.
"I is very happy to be here. I am Dobby, ma'am. Dobby the house elf. I is so very pleased to make your acquaintance!" Several shots of Dobby working and one of him simply looking at the camera and smiling shyly. The other staff members shook their heads in disbelief.
"Well," said Professor Sinistra, "We know at least ONE of the men getting kicked off the island tonight."
Firenze the centaur came up next. Many of the female students gasped, drooled, or made some other boy-crazy sign of appreciation. Ron rolled his eyes and Harry laughed.
"Girls!" Ron said. Ginny and Hermione reached across and belted Ron.
After yet another commercial break, the show returned and the audience in the lounge was paying rapt attention to the beginning of the competition.