Author: Christina-lives-here
Rated: PG
Disclaimer: If Enterprise was mine, Archer wouldn't be so damn moody, T'Pol would act more Vulcan, Reed would blow more things up, Phlox would ask more people about their nonexistent sex life, Hoshi would get more lines, and Mayweather would be crazy.
Summary: This is the final chapter, boys and girls. Sorry about delay.
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Travis dived through the piles of garbage looking for the pizza box…. the pizza box with his master plan on it. In retrospect, it wasn't such a good idea to write it on a piece of cardboard.
I guess I'll just have to improvise. That's ok; I'm good at that. The fact that my "Boomer Improv Comedy" group failed says nothing. It was all my idiot brother's fault. Why is he the favorite? It better not be because I'm crazy, that's for sure. Anyhoo..
Travis snuck into the hallway, making sure no one saw him. The slightest misstep could point the finger in his direction.
"Hey Travis! I thought I just saw you on the bridge." Grimacing, Travis turned to face his accuser. It was Ensign Mary Sue. God, he hated her most of all.
"Just out and about for a little walk, Mary Sue. No cause for alarm."
I will ground your bones and make mashed potatoes if you ruin my plan. It would make a nice accompaniment to the TURNIP!
"That's so funny! Especially since you look like you're about to rob a bank! What's with the nylon over your face?"
Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Travis screamed, "RUN AWAY, THE DANGER IS COMING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! MY SKIN IS BURNING! WHERE IS PHLOX WHEN YOU NEED HIM?"
As Mary Sue ran down the corridor, Travis congratulated himself on his cunning. Into his recorder he replied, "Disaster was narrowly averted in corridor outside my quarters. Mary Sue suspects nothing." Looking both ways, he muttered, "The black leather makes me look hot, not like I'm robbing a bank. I'll get rid of the nylon, however. Let it never be said I can't take constructive criticism."
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"Hey Ensign, how about some lunch? You've been working straight through the morning," Archer said. Travis' clothes didn't respond.
That Travis. Let it never be said he's not a good worker, no matter how crazy he gets.
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Travis smiled evilly as he added his extra special ingredient to chef's pecan pie. After ex-laxxing chef's coffee, he had the entire kitchen to himself. Oh yes. He would hit the crew where it hurts the most: their food.
Running through the kitchen, he randomly ex-laxxed the soup and veggie dip. He pulled down his pants and rubbed his butt in the salad. He sneezed all over the buns. He picked up each piece of pizza and licked them. But he wasn't done yet. He scraped what was on the bottom of his shoe and dumped it into the coffee made for the captain. And he wiped his armpits clean with the senior officer's napkins. But he wasn't done yet, oh no.
Knowing full well that all senior officers took the lunch at the same time (if there were no impending crises on the horizon) Travis knew he would have almost full range of the bridge.
Sneaking down the corridor, he waited behind the corner until he saw the Captain with T'Pol and Reed walk by. Hoshi was close behind
Travis jumped into the turbolift. Now for the real fun….
Uh, wait, was that?
It seemed that the turbolift had stopped. And Tucker was having lunch… which meant that one of his lackeys would have to fix the problem. And they wouldn't be in a hurry to do it either. Not after the prank he pulled, calling all their quarters last night saying the Captain desperately needed them in his ready room."DAMN TRIP! DAMN HIM TO HELL!"
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"You know, this salad is pretty good," said Trip, shoving down a mouthful. "The dressing is real tangy."
Archer took a sip of his coffee and nearly spit it out all over the table. Grabbing his napkin, he inhaled and sputtered. "What the HELL? Who was in charge of washing these napkins? They smell like B.O! And my coffee's a little stronger than I like."
T'Pol scrunched her nose in disgust. She would rather wipe her mouth on Trip's sleeve than use her napkin, and God knows where that's been.
I knew I smelt something funny in here. I mean more so than usual.
The intercom sounded. "Commander Tucker, we have a…. situation. On the lift to the bridge?" Trip sighed and got up. "Now what would that be, Mary Sue?"
"Ensign Mayweather insists he's trapped in the lift and has taken hostages." Archer looked up, concerned. " How many, Ensign?"
"Uh, sir, he's alone. We can see him on the security camera, and well, he has his socks on his hands. And he's calling them Bert and Ernie. And he's, well using Bert and Ernie in a most unmentionable way."
Archer sighed. This was just not his day.
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"Captain, I can assure you, I will be stringent with the Ensign's medication from now on. This sort of incident will never happen again."
Travis heard this from his biobead and smiled. Evilly.
Oh we'll see…. We'll see…. And where are my socks?
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I know this was a long time coming, but I finally sat down to finish this! Thanks for the patience, and hoped you enjoyed! Questions, comments, constructive feedback are all appreciated.