Chapter 9: The Project Has No Room For Failures (aka, Chapter 8 sucked)
(11:00pm)
Disclaimer: I disown Chapter eight, so anyone who loves pure, unedited crap, claim it while you can!!!!!!! I also don't own MGS, but you knew that already, didn't you??? I also don't own the theme music from the movie, The Natural
Snake pulled up to the tank store. Sure enough, RL was there, getting the shit kicked out of him by Meryl, Campbell, Raiden, and Gray Fox. Snake walked over to the mob, and watched for a minuet before calling for a stop of this madness.
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. Everyone looked up to see Snake. "Why didn't you guys just do that when he captured you guys?" asked Snake.
"Well, he had a rifle with him, which was very intimidating. Then he tried shooting Raiden in the back of the head with it, but found out it was unloaded." Explained Campbell.
"Oh, I see. Well, this is all wrong, we shouldn't b acting like this." Said Snake. Everyone, (including the on looking pedestrians) looked shocked at what Snake said.
"Oh thank you, thank you for your mercy!!!" said a very Relieved RL.
"What mercy?" asked Snake, who gave RL a very weird look.
"You just stopped this brutal beating" said RL. "What, are you losing your memory? You are getting old, brother." Said RL.
"OH THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. He ran over to RL and began kicking him as hard as he could in his ribs. He then looked up to say to his friends, who were now watching Snake beat RL, "And I stopped you guys from beating him cause, you weren't kicking hard enough." Said Snake. "You got to kick with the toes." Said Snake as he began kicking RL.
"Oh, so that's how it's done." Said Raiden. "I was so used to jumping in the air and kicking the guy in the face. Now I know why I kept missing you." Said Raiden, who was now dumbstruck.
"You know Raiden, I'm glad that the Arsenal AI was acting as me for your mission." Said Campbell
"Why is that?" asked Raiden, who was confused.
"Cause I would have went to Arsenal and beat the shit out of you just for being a dumb ass." Yelled the Colonel. He then lunged at Raiden, knocking him down, and just beating the living shit out of him.
Meryl laughed and just started chanting "GO UNCLE ROY!!!!!!!"
As Snake knocked RL unconsence, and turned to watch the Colonel kick the living hell out of Raiden. He then figured, as much fun as it was to watch, to stop it before he kills him.
"Ok, just stop." Said Snake.
Campbell got off of Raiden, very pleased with what remained of the little girly man. Raiden got up off the ground, and walked to the car, got in the back seat, and sat down. Snake just walked back over to RL, and woke him up.
"Good morning star shine." Said Snake
Otacon herd what Snake said. He then started singing. "The earth says hello, you twinkle above us, and we twinkle below. Good morning star shine, there's love in your skies."
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone at Otacon. A dog then walked by and for no reason what so ever started biting Otacon in the face.
"Now, what do you want from me? Why are you bothering me on my birthday?" yelled Snake, who was obviously demanding answers.
"OH CRAP, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, AND I FORGOT ABOUT MY ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yell RL, who then ran back to the tank, only to find his ice cream melted.
"Oh, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.
'That's what you get for putting my ice cream on the motor you dip shit.' Yelled Liquid.
Snake and the group watched as the two-in-one person argued with himself, again.
"IT WASN'T MY FALT!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.
'WELL, I DON'T CONTROL YOUR OTHER HAND' yelled Liquid.
"You piss me off, why I ought to..."
"Ok, Ok, that's enough." Yelled Snake. "Now, I want answers."
"And I want Ice Cream" said RL, who was now acting very childish.
"Your in no position to bargain with me." Said Snake with a smirk as he put the gun right against the side of RL's head.
"OH PLEASE, I'LL DO ANTHING, JUST DON'T KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" pleaded RL.
"Anything?" asked Snake
"Eww, you sick bastard." Said RL
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU SICK FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake as he bashed him over the head with his SOCOM. "I want you to take me to a bar. Since you blew up my party, you're going to take me to the fanciest bar in the whole state of Alaska."
"Which is????" asked Ocelot. "THE FOX HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake
"But that place is a dive!!!" yelled RL in protest.
"DO IT!!!!" yelled Snake as he jammed the gun harder into his temple.
"OK, ok, I'll do it." Said RL, reluctantly
"Good, and you got the tab." Said Snake
"WHAT!!!!!" yelled RL in shock.
"For all of us." Finished Snake.
"NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled RL in anger.
"I'm sorry, did I hear you right???" asked Snake as he turned around and pointed the gun right between his eyes.
"Um, I said, Oh Yay!!!" said RL who was now covering his own ass, obviously.
"Good, now get in." said Snake, as he opened the back seat of his car. Finally, Snake was going to have some fun on his birthday.
********
The group pulled into the parking lot for the now redone Foxhole. There was now a guy who parked the car for people who came to the now 'Nightclub'.
"May I park your car sir?" asked the guy to Snake. He backed off when he saw it was Snake. "NOT YOU AGAIN!!!!!" yelled the parking car guy. He then ran away screaming like a little girl.
"Why did he say not you again?" asked Raiden.
"I sort of ran him over when I was done drinking one night. He was going to sue me for damages, but he was in a coma who the ambulance got him." Said Snake.
"Then how did he remember you?" asked Raiden
"Another night I got done here, I sort of duck taped him to my fender and started driving around town at speeds over 105 miles per hour." Said Snake. (For all people outside the US, you do the conversion to metric, cause I'm lazy)
Snake pulled into a parking space right in front of some guy who was going to pull into the parking space. Snake saw the man and saw it was Mike Tyson. He then stuck his head out the window and screamed at Snake.
"You dumb fuck, I'm going eat your children." Yelled Tyson
"I don't have children." Said Snake. Tyson looked at him for a second, and then said what he thought would be intelligent. "OGGGA BOOGA" yelled Tyson as he drove away at an amazingly slow pace.
As the group walked inside of the bar, RL was amazed at how nice the place had become. It used to be a dark, dingy place for closet queens. It now was a nice looking nightclub with pool tables, a large bar(with padded chairs), a stage, and a joke box, which no one uses.
The gang walked to a table and sate down. Raiden noticed someone familiar at the bar.
"I'll be right back" said Raiden as he walked to the bar.
Solidus was talking to some women who looked an awful lot like Olga.
"So, how bout you come back to my house with me, and we can talk and, um, see each other in our underwear. Do you wear a thong?" asked Solidus
"You know it baby. But there's something you need to know." Said the Olga look-alike.
"Don't tell me, you're a man. This shit always happens, those damn queers trying to take my bar back. DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!!!!!" said Solidus, who then wondered what the Patriots have to do with gays.
"No, no, its just, I don't date anyone who is, or has been married. And you also can't have had children." Said the lady.
"Well, I've never had children, and I've never been married." Said Solidus with a sort of lying look in his eye.
"Well, then here is my number, but don't call after 3 am, cause that's when I go to work." Said the lady.
"Ok baby, I'll call you soon, eh?" said Solidus, who thought he was finally going to get some.
"HEY DADDY!!!!!" yelled Raiden. He then walked up to the bar and sat down on the stool. Solidus looked angrily at Raiden as the lady tore up her phone number, and smacked Solidus across the face.
"THAT'S FOR LYING TO ME!!!!" yelled the woman as she walked out.
"WAIT, HE ISN'T MY DAUGHTER, OR SON, OR WHATEVER HE IS. DON'T LEAVE, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!" yelled Solidus
"You've only known me for forty minuets, bye loser." Said the woman.
"UHHHH, YOU STUPID KID!!!!!!" yelled Solidus.
"Uhm, Hi dad?" said Raiden with a whimper.
"Hey, JACK THE RIPPER!!!!" yelled Solidus. Raiden then curled up into a ball on the floor and started whining and crying.
"I HATE MY PAST, I HATE MY PAST!!!!!!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!" yelled Raiden with tears in his eyes. Snake then walked up to the bar and laughed at Raiden. He then started talking to Solidus.
"How's it going today?" asked Snake.
"Snake, I'm a whole different game from Liquid." Said Solidus. He then realized that Snake was being friendly. "Um, I'm good, what can I get you?"
"Round of beers over at table number seven." Said Snake. He then remembered Raiden and Otacon, and said one more thing.
"Oh yeah, and a few chocolate milks." Said Snake. Otacon over herd what Snake said. "Hey, that's a low blow Snake." Said Otacon.
The whole bar went silent as he said that. He quickly sat back down, and shut up. The Raiden protested that he was old enough to drink.
"Can I see your License then?" asked Solidus.
"Um, I don't have it with me, but I'm over 21." Said Raiden.
"You think I didn't know that? I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to this hot girl over here." Said Solidus.
"Oh, I'm 19." Said the girl.
"I see, but, I won't tell anyone, here, here's a beer on me" said Solidus, as he dumped a beer on himself. "Now, come get it." Said Solidus as he winked at the girl.
"EWW, YOU PERVERT!!!!!" yelled the girl as she stormed out of the bar.
"Huh, usually girls love that." Said Solidus to himself. He then sent a waitress with a server full of beer over to Snakes table. Snake was surprised to see the server was Naomi.
"Naomi?" asked Snake.
"Hi Snake. I finally found out who I am, and I realized I have nothing better to do with my life, so now I work here as a waitress."
"Um, that's great." Said Meryl. "But, is all the tight cloths necessary?"
"Solidus said it makes me look sexy, but I find it hard to move in these." Said Naomi as she pointed to her tight jean cutoffs. "well, I got to get back to work, bye guys. And if you need anything, you know my name, just give me a call." Said Naomi as she wiggled away. (Yes, that's how tight her damn pants are.)
Snake and the group began to drink their beers when RL spoke up.
"You know, this isn't that bad." Said RL with a sort of delight in is voice.
"I knew you'd like it" said Snake. Campbell then shouted and pointed his finger in Raiden's face.
"HAHAHA, I won the pool!!!! YOU OWE ME 90$!!!!!" yelled Campbell with glee, but quickly sat down when he was getting weird looks from his tablemates.
"I'm serious, this has been great so far. He/She was crying, Solidus got shot down twice, and Liquid and me are getting along. What could possible go wrong?" said RL with delight.
He was soon answered as the bar lights dimmed and the stage curtain went up, revealing the Master of Ceremonies from chapter 7.
"ITS 11:30, AND YOU KNOW WHT TIME IT IS!!!!!! ITS MUSIC TIME, WITH OUR GUEST BAND, THE MAX REBO BAND!!!!!!!!" yelled the MOC
The people in the bar looked blankly at the MOC, wondering who the hell the Max Rebo band was.
"You know, that band from Return of the Jedi, in the beginning, at Jabba's palace." said the MOC
The crowd then understood who they were. 'OHHHHHHHHHH' said the crowd. It went quickly from 'ohhh' to 'ehh'.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said the crowd as the band began their HORRIBLE first number.
"Ma mooey ma ma wamy, hery cooey in hiesi. Ma me na mana po pa ke, hod a pek ta noda pek de a, la man eh de, eeeeee ma konee. Eh man bola, hi, emanbola, na ma, eh ma." And so on and so forth. The song ended, and then began that another fucked up song.
"MA MA EHN A HE WEHO WHA, MAN A NEE CHO, CAMP TONT NE TO CONK TO WHA."
A new thing came along and began singing.
"OH AH BU EH AND A TO TA AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled the stupid freaking gay alien.
As it came up to Snake and started screaming that last, awful note, Snake pulled out his SOCOM and shot a bullet right down his throat.
The other thing then went on singing, not realizing what happened. Snake then shot that dumb piece of shit as well. The crowd roared with delight as Snake put the queer ball band out of its misery. The janitors then came on and cleaned up the mess as the people in the bar went on with their evening activity, you know, getting drunk.
Snake then sat down intriguing conversation that his friends were having.
"And so, in the end, a giant piece of bubble gum stopped me from taking over the world. That was the end of my favorite dream." Said RL. Everyone looked at him oddly, and then carried on with the discussion.
"Hey Snake, what's your favorite dream?" asked Olga, who just appeared out of nowhere.
"Um, well, Its pretty weird." Said Snake, trying to back out.
"No, lets hear it, it can't be worse then RL's dream." Said Campbell, who was given a dirty look from RL.
"Well, I always have this cool dream in where I slam dunk a basketball." Said Snake.
"Oh, cool. I have this one all the time." Said Raiden.
"Yeah, so do I." Said Meryl.
"Me to" said Otacon
"Sure you do Otacon." Said Snake
********
Chapter 9.1: Their dreams in detail (11:45 pm)
They Are In a Giant Arena with a large Basketball court. The Song from the movie "The Natural' is playing
Snake dribbled the basketball down court. He jumped up and slam-dunked the ball into the hoop. The giant stadiums crown went nuts as Snake pulled off a 360 in mid air and slammed the ball into the hoop. He then started yelling while hanging on the hoop. The backboard, which was made of glass, exploded, and glass shattered everywhere. The backboard then magically fixed itself for the next few people. (Remember, this is a dream)
Then Meryl took a ball and began dribbling down court. She jumped in the air, but her jump was way too early and the missed the hoop by a mere 40 feet.
Otacon then took a ball and began dribbling down court. Unlike Meryl, who missed by a "little bit", he got to the hoop, but nailed his head on the backboard, which loosened a bolt.
Raiden then took his basketball and dribbled down court. He jumped into the air and slammed the ball thought the hoop. He then hung onto the rim and screamed. However, the bolt did not magically fix itself, and he came crashing down with the basketball hoop. The backboard then crushed him. It shattered and blood was everywhere. It was quite a mess.
***********
Chapter 9 2/3: Anyway (11:50 pm)
Snake smirked as he finished imaging the dream, but then he realized that all three of the other people imagined it with him, and saw they were frowning. Snake then lightened up the mood.
"Hey, its only a dream." Said Snake. He then call Naomi over to the table.
"Yes Snake?" asked Naomi.
"Vodka on the rocks." Said Snake. Naomi tried to convince Snake from getting the drink.
"Do you know what alcohol in such a high concentration can do to your liver? It can kill you if you have too much, and."
"JUST GET THE MAN HIS DAMN DRINK!!!!" yelled Campbell at Naomi. She then reluctantly went and got Snake his drink.
"Over protective bitch. Its as if she loves me or something" Said Snake with a sigh. He was remembering the time that Naomi was about to tell he something, but just couldn't put his finger on it. So, when Naomi returned with his drink, he asked her.
"Hey Naomi, when the authorities took you away after telling me about FOXDIE, what were you going to tell me?" asked Snake.
"Um, I, uh, nothing." Said Naomi, being very protective.
"Oh, ok. HEY, I just remembered something!!!!" said Snake.
"Yeah, what is it?" asked Naomi, who looked like she'd rather be somewhere else at that time.
"You said that if I got back from Shadow Moses alive, I could do a strip search on you!!!!!" said Snake excitedly.
"Um, I don't remember that." said Naomi with a worried grin on her face.
"Um, actually, you did. I have to tapes at my house." Said Campbell.
Mei Ling then came up out of no where and said to the group "I HAVE TAPE RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!"
She then pressed play, with surely enough, played Naomi's voice saying those things
"Well, if you come back, I'll let you do a strip search on me." "I ought to hold you to that doctor."
She then rewind it and kept playing it over and over again till the tape machine sponteously combusted.
Naomi, now blushing very red, reluctantly agreed to go into the bathroom with Snake.
"Hey, Otacon, while I'm in here, make sure RL doesn't escape." Said Snake.
"Yeah, sure thing. But, I don't have a gun." Said Otacon.
"Yeah, well, improvise." Said Snake as he went through the door.
RL sat in the corner, drinking his two cups of booze. One vodka, to satisfy Ocelot, and one whiskey, to satisfy Liquid.
'You know what, we should go get our tank back and blow up the bar.' Said Liquid.
"But, how will we get out of here?" asked Ocelot. "That nerd is watching us."
'He'll be easy, just follow my lead.' Said Liquid.
"How am I supposed to follow you? You're only my hand!!!!" said Ocelot.
'JUST GO!!' said Liquid, who was now very aggravated.
So, RL got up and walked out to the door, when Otacon noticed him and stopped him.
"Hey, where are you going?" said Otacon.
"We're going to get our tank, so we can get some highly explosive material out of it." Said RL.
"But, Snake told me not to let you guys go. I'll get in trouble." Said Otacon.
"We'll kill you if you tell Snake, it's that simple. But your going to die anyways, so tough shit!!!!" said Ocelot as he walked out the door. Otacon began panicking, but then just went to the bar and figured he could drink the problem away.
"Bartender, get me a.um. Shirley Temple." Said Otacon. "Um, sure." Said Solidus. 'What a fruit-basket.' Though Solidus to himself.
"Here you go." Said Solidus as he handed the drink to Otacon. After taking one and a half sips, he passed out. Solidus just looked at him, turned, sighed, but then was happy to see another group of women had walked through the door.
"Well, hey there sweet-hearts. How can I be of service to you? Can I pleasure you in any way?" said Solidus in a very interesting look. The girls were very turned on by the 50 year old man.
"Well, me and my girls want some Margaritas, with some lime and salt." Said the group's leader.
"Just a second hottie." Said Solidus as he went to get the drinks.
"You're not too bad yourself." Said the woman.
After Solidus returned with the drinks, he started a conversation with the lead girl.
"Hey, you into love at first sight?" asked Solidus, trying to hit on her.
"Only if the man is not married, and has no children. He also needs to be honest." Said the girl.
"Well, that fits me perfectly well." Said Solidus with a smile, hoping that Jack wouldn't show up at the time.
"Well, then I think I'm in love." Said the girl.
"Well, let me show this to you then." Said Solidus with a smile.
As he was about to whip it out, his son appeared right between his legs.
"HI DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jack.
"OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Solidus. The woman obviously was not buying it.
"You lying bastard, I can't believe I said I loved you. Come on girls, lets get out of here!!" said the woman as she slapped Solidus across the face.
Solidus watched as the woman left the bar. He then turned to Raiden and punched him multiple times in the face.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE????" Yelled Solidus.
Raiden, in between punches made out these words. "The" "Pat" "Rio" "Ts"
"The Patriots?" asked Solidus, only getting a nodding up and down out of Raiden's head.
"DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! FIRST THEY TRY TO KILL ME, THEN THEY WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!!! DAMN THEM!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Solidus at the top of his lungs.
"Oh well, I got to take a leak, you're in charge of the bar, for now." Said Solidus.
"Why me?" asked Raiden.
"Just because.you're right. Hey, Campbell, come bartend for me." Said Solidus. So Campbell walked over to the bar and took over his duties, as Solidus went to the bathroom. He walked through the door, seeing Naomi inside the bathroom.
"What the hell?" asked Solidus to himself. "Why are you in here" he then asked.
"Um, no reason." Said Naomi, who was trying to get out of this problem in anyway she could.
"You know, you have beautiful eyes." Said Solidus.
"Thank you." Said Naomi, who was now blushing. Solidus continued with her beautiful smile, and things like that till Naomi couldn't take it anymore. She then jumped into Solidus' arms and just started kissing him. They then locked themselves into a stall, and well, never mind.
********* Snake then walked out of the bathroom with his drink in hand. Otacon, who was now awake again, asked Snake how she was.
"How did she do, eh Snake?" asked Otacon.
"What are you talking about?" asked Snake.
"I thought she let you strip-search her." Said Otacon.
"I did, but half way through it I had to piss, and made her hold my drink. After that, she was out of the mood, so I climbed out the window and had a smoke." Said Snake.
"Oh. I see." Said Otacon.
"Oh, well, you can't always get lucky, if you know what I mean." Said Snake as he sipped his drink.
"No, I don't know what you mean Snake." Said Otacon. Snake then punched him in the face, knocking him out again.
*************** RL hurried back to the bar with the tank and a whole bunch of SEMTEX. He had plans to make sure no one, not even Jeffery the Dog, escaped. (Who's Jeffery the Dog?)
'This will put and end to all our troubles, and we can finally take over the world!!!' said Liquid, with a very happy sounding tone.
"I know, and I finally will get my swimming pool of Jell-O!!" said Ocelot excitedly. Liquid just shuddered at the idea of Ocelot in a pool of Jell-O. As they pulled up to the bar, they walked in on time to see Snake lay out Otacon. Snake then noticed RL with a duffle bag on his shoulder.
"What's in the bag?" asked Snake.
"Um, A gift." Said RL, trying to cover his ass (obviously).
"Well, let me have it." Said Snake.
"Well, it needs assembly." Said RL.
"I don't believe you." Said Snake, who was now reaching for his gun.
"Hey, isn't a baseball game or something like that on right now?" ask RL.
"OH MY GOD, I FOR GOT ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!" yelled Snake, who then ran to the bar, and began flipping through the channels till he reached ESPN.
RL, breathing a sigh of relief, continued to the basement. After getting there, he began wiring the bombs.
"Hey, is it the green wire or the red wire that arms the bomb?" asked Ocelot.
'Um, I think its green, but then again, it could be red. I don't know, just use something.' Said Liquid. So, Ocelot stuck the green wire in, and sure enough, it didn't work. So, he then stuck the red wire in and armed the bomb. He continued doing this till the basement of 'The Fox Hole' looked like some cheesy Batman cartoon, or littered with lots of harmful explosives.
'They won't know what hit them.' Said Liquid with glee.
"Yeah, now lets get the hell out of here." Said Ocelot.
So, RL went upstairs and made his way for the door.
"Hey Snake, I'm going to get some fresh air." Said RL. Just as RL had guessed, Snake just replied with a "Yeah, Whatever" cause of how entranced into the football game he was. When RL was finally outside, he ran to the tank, grabbed the detonator. He then got ready to press the button.
'Three' said Liquid
"Two" said Ocelot
"ONE" said Jeffery the Dog.
They then pressed the button and waited to see the ruins of the once very elegant (I guess) bar.
WILL SNAKE AND CO. SURVIVE THIS CATASTOPHIC DELEMA? WILL NAOMI MARRY SOLIDUS? WILL THE DOMINOES GUY COME ONTIME WITH MY PIZZA CAUSE OF HOW HUNGRY I AM? DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS SHIRT? TOON IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!!!
Disclaimer: I disown Chapter eight, so anyone who loves pure, unedited crap, claim it while you can!!!!!!! I also don't own MGS, but you knew that already, didn't you??? I also don't own the theme music from the movie, The Natural
Snake pulled up to the tank store. Sure enough, RL was there, getting the shit kicked out of him by Meryl, Campbell, Raiden, and Gray Fox. Snake walked over to the mob, and watched for a minuet before calling for a stop of this madness.
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. Everyone looked up to see Snake. "Why didn't you guys just do that when he captured you guys?" asked Snake.
"Well, he had a rifle with him, which was very intimidating. Then he tried shooting Raiden in the back of the head with it, but found out it was unloaded." Explained Campbell.
"Oh, I see. Well, this is all wrong, we shouldn't b acting like this." Said Snake. Everyone, (including the on looking pedestrians) looked shocked at what Snake said.
"Oh thank you, thank you for your mercy!!!" said a very Relieved RL.
"What mercy?" asked Snake, who gave RL a very weird look.
"You just stopped this brutal beating" said RL. "What, are you losing your memory? You are getting old, brother." Said RL.
"OH THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. He ran over to RL and began kicking him as hard as he could in his ribs. He then looked up to say to his friends, who were now watching Snake beat RL, "And I stopped you guys from beating him cause, you weren't kicking hard enough." Said Snake. "You got to kick with the toes." Said Snake as he began kicking RL.
"Oh, so that's how it's done." Said Raiden. "I was so used to jumping in the air and kicking the guy in the face. Now I know why I kept missing you." Said Raiden, who was now dumbstruck.
"You know Raiden, I'm glad that the Arsenal AI was acting as me for your mission." Said Campbell
"Why is that?" asked Raiden, who was confused.
"Cause I would have went to Arsenal and beat the shit out of you just for being a dumb ass." Yelled the Colonel. He then lunged at Raiden, knocking him down, and just beating the living shit out of him.
Meryl laughed and just started chanting "GO UNCLE ROY!!!!!!!"
As Snake knocked RL unconsence, and turned to watch the Colonel kick the living hell out of Raiden. He then figured, as much fun as it was to watch, to stop it before he kills him.
"Ok, just stop." Said Snake.
Campbell got off of Raiden, very pleased with what remained of the little girly man. Raiden got up off the ground, and walked to the car, got in the back seat, and sat down. Snake just walked back over to RL, and woke him up.
"Good morning star shine." Said Snake
Otacon herd what Snake said. He then started singing. "The earth says hello, you twinkle above us, and we twinkle below. Good morning star shine, there's love in your skies."
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone at Otacon. A dog then walked by and for no reason what so ever started biting Otacon in the face.
"Now, what do you want from me? Why are you bothering me on my birthday?" yelled Snake, who was obviously demanding answers.
"OH CRAP, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, AND I FORGOT ABOUT MY ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yell RL, who then ran back to the tank, only to find his ice cream melted.
"Oh, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.
'That's what you get for putting my ice cream on the motor you dip shit.' Yelled Liquid.
Snake and the group watched as the two-in-one person argued with himself, again.
"IT WASN'T MY FALT!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.
'WELL, I DON'T CONTROL YOUR OTHER HAND' yelled Liquid.
"You piss me off, why I ought to..."
"Ok, Ok, that's enough." Yelled Snake. "Now, I want answers."
"And I want Ice Cream" said RL, who was now acting very childish.
"Your in no position to bargain with me." Said Snake with a smirk as he put the gun right against the side of RL's head.
"OH PLEASE, I'LL DO ANTHING, JUST DON'T KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" pleaded RL.
"Anything?" asked Snake
"Eww, you sick bastard." Said RL
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU SICK FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake as he bashed him over the head with his SOCOM. "I want you to take me to a bar. Since you blew up my party, you're going to take me to the fanciest bar in the whole state of Alaska."
"Which is????" asked Ocelot. "THE FOX HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake
"But that place is a dive!!!" yelled RL in protest.
"DO IT!!!!" yelled Snake as he jammed the gun harder into his temple.
"OK, ok, I'll do it." Said RL, reluctantly
"Good, and you got the tab." Said Snake
"WHAT!!!!!" yelled RL in shock.
"For all of us." Finished Snake.
"NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled RL in anger.
"I'm sorry, did I hear you right???" asked Snake as he turned around and pointed the gun right between his eyes.
"Um, I said, Oh Yay!!!" said RL who was now covering his own ass, obviously.
"Good, now get in." said Snake, as he opened the back seat of his car. Finally, Snake was going to have some fun on his birthday.
********
The group pulled into the parking lot for the now redone Foxhole. There was now a guy who parked the car for people who came to the now 'Nightclub'.
"May I park your car sir?" asked the guy to Snake. He backed off when he saw it was Snake. "NOT YOU AGAIN!!!!!" yelled the parking car guy. He then ran away screaming like a little girl.
"Why did he say not you again?" asked Raiden.
"I sort of ran him over when I was done drinking one night. He was going to sue me for damages, but he was in a coma who the ambulance got him." Said Snake.
"Then how did he remember you?" asked Raiden
"Another night I got done here, I sort of duck taped him to my fender and started driving around town at speeds over 105 miles per hour." Said Snake. (For all people outside the US, you do the conversion to metric, cause I'm lazy)
Snake pulled into a parking space right in front of some guy who was going to pull into the parking space. Snake saw the man and saw it was Mike Tyson. He then stuck his head out the window and screamed at Snake.
"You dumb fuck, I'm going eat your children." Yelled Tyson
"I don't have children." Said Snake. Tyson looked at him for a second, and then said what he thought would be intelligent. "OGGGA BOOGA" yelled Tyson as he drove away at an amazingly slow pace.
As the group walked inside of the bar, RL was amazed at how nice the place had become. It used to be a dark, dingy place for closet queens. It now was a nice looking nightclub with pool tables, a large bar(with padded chairs), a stage, and a joke box, which no one uses.
The gang walked to a table and sate down. Raiden noticed someone familiar at the bar.
"I'll be right back" said Raiden as he walked to the bar.
Solidus was talking to some women who looked an awful lot like Olga.
"So, how bout you come back to my house with me, and we can talk and, um, see each other in our underwear. Do you wear a thong?" asked Solidus
"You know it baby. But there's something you need to know." Said the Olga look-alike.
"Don't tell me, you're a man. This shit always happens, those damn queers trying to take my bar back. DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!!!!!" said Solidus, who then wondered what the Patriots have to do with gays.
"No, no, its just, I don't date anyone who is, or has been married. And you also can't have had children." Said the lady.
"Well, I've never had children, and I've never been married." Said Solidus with a sort of lying look in his eye.
"Well, then here is my number, but don't call after 3 am, cause that's when I go to work." Said the lady.
"Ok baby, I'll call you soon, eh?" said Solidus, who thought he was finally going to get some.
"HEY DADDY!!!!!" yelled Raiden. He then walked up to the bar and sat down on the stool. Solidus looked angrily at Raiden as the lady tore up her phone number, and smacked Solidus across the face.
"THAT'S FOR LYING TO ME!!!!" yelled the woman as she walked out.
"WAIT, HE ISN'T MY DAUGHTER, OR SON, OR WHATEVER HE IS. DON'T LEAVE, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!" yelled Solidus
"You've only known me for forty minuets, bye loser." Said the woman.
"UHHHH, YOU STUPID KID!!!!!!" yelled Solidus.
"Uhm, Hi dad?" said Raiden with a whimper.
"Hey, JACK THE RIPPER!!!!" yelled Solidus. Raiden then curled up into a ball on the floor and started whining and crying.
"I HATE MY PAST, I HATE MY PAST!!!!!!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!" yelled Raiden with tears in his eyes. Snake then walked up to the bar and laughed at Raiden. He then started talking to Solidus.
"How's it going today?" asked Snake.
"Snake, I'm a whole different game from Liquid." Said Solidus. He then realized that Snake was being friendly. "Um, I'm good, what can I get you?"
"Round of beers over at table number seven." Said Snake. He then remembered Raiden and Otacon, and said one more thing.
"Oh yeah, and a few chocolate milks." Said Snake. Otacon over herd what Snake said. "Hey, that's a low blow Snake." Said Otacon.
The whole bar went silent as he said that. He quickly sat back down, and shut up. The Raiden protested that he was old enough to drink.
"Can I see your License then?" asked Solidus.
"Um, I don't have it with me, but I'm over 21." Said Raiden.
"You think I didn't know that? I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to this hot girl over here." Said Solidus.
"Oh, I'm 19." Said the girl.
"I see, but, I won't tell anyone, here, here's a beer on me" said Solidus, as he dumped a beer on himself. "Now, come get it." Said Solidus as he winked at the girl.
"EWW, YOU PERVERT!!!!!" yelled the girl as she stormed out of the bar.
"Huh, usually girls love that." Said Solidus to himself. He then sent a waitress with a server full of beer over to Snakes table. Snake was surprised to see the server was Naomi.
"Naomi?" asked Snake.
"Hi Snake. I finally found out who I am, and I realized I have nothing better to do with my life, so now I work here as a waitress."
"Um, that's great." Said Meryl. "But, is all the tight cloths necessary?"
"Solidus said it makes me look sexy, but I find it hard to move in these." Said Naomi as she pointed to her tight jean cutoffs. "well, I got to get back to work, bye guys. And if you need anything, you know my name, just give me a call." Said Naomi as she wiggled away. (Yes, that's how tight her damn pants are.)
Snake and the group began to drink their beers when RL spoke up.
"You know, this isn't that bad." Said RL with a sort of delight in is voice.
"I knew you'd like it" said Snake. Campbell then shouted and pointed his finger in Raiden's face.
"HAHAHA, I won the pool!!!! YOU OWE ME 90$!!!!!" yelled Campbell with glee, but quickly sat down when he was getting weird looks from his tablemates.
"I'm serious, this has been great so far. He/She was crying, Solidus got shot down twice, and Liquid and me are getting along. What could possible go wrong?" said RL with delight.
He was soon answered as the bar lights dimmed and the stage curtain went up, revealing the Master of Ceremonies from chapter 7.
"ITS 11:30, AND YOU KNOW WHT TIME IT IS!!!!!! ITS MUSIC TIME, WITH OUR GUEST BAND, THE MAX REBO BAND!!!!!!!!" yelled the MOC
The people in the bar looked blankly at the MOC, wondering who the hell the Max Rebo band was.
"You know, that band from Return of the Jedi, in the beginning, at Jabba's palace." said the MOC
The crowd then understood who they were. 'OHHHHHHHHHH' said the crowd. It went quickly from 'ohhh' to 'ehh'.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said the crowd as the band began their HORRIBLE first number.
"Ma mooey ma ma wamy, hery cooey in hiesi. Ma me na mana po pa ke, hod a pek ta noda pek de a, la man eh de, eeeeee ma konee. Eh man bola, hi, emanbola, na ma, eh ma." And so on and so forth. The song ended, and then began that another fucked up song.
"MA MA EHN A HE WEHO WHA, MAN A NEE CHO, CAMP TONT NE TO CONK TO WHA."
A new thing came along and began singing.
"OH AH BU EH AND A TO TA AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled the stupid freaking gay alien.
As it came up to Snake and started screaming that last, awful note, Snake pulled out his SOCOM and shot a bullet right down his throat.
The other thing then went on singing, not realizing what happened. Snake then shot that dumb piece of shit as well. The crowd roared with delight as Snake put the queer ball band out of its misery. The janitors then came on and cleaned up the mess as the people in the bar went on with their evening activity, you know, getting drunk.
Snake then sat down intriguing conversation that his friends were having.
"And so, in the end, a giant piece of bubble gum stopped me from taking over the world. That was the end of my favorite dream." Said RL. Everyone looked at him oddly, and then carried on with the discussion.
"Hey Snake, what's your favorite dream?" asked Olga, who just appeared out of nowhere.
"Um, well, Its pretty weird." Said Snake, trying to back out.
"No, lets hear it, it can't be worse then RL's dream." Said Campbell, who was given a dirty look from RL.
"Well, I always have this cool dream in where I slam dunk a basketball." Said Snake.
"Oh, cool. I have this one all the time." Said Raiden.
"Yeah, so do I." Said Meryl.
"Me to" said Otacon
"Sure you do Otacon." Said Snake
********
Chapter 9.1: Their dreams in detail (11:45 pm)
They Are In a Giant Arena with a large Basketball court. The Song from the movie "The Natural' is playing
Snake dribbled the basketball down court. He jumped up and slam-dunked the ball into the hoop. The giant stadiums crown went nuts as Snake pulled off a 360 in mid air and slammed the ball into the hoop. He then started yelling while hanging on the hoop. The backboard, which was made of glass, exploded, and glass shattered everywhere. The backboard then magically fixed itself for the next few people. (Remember, this is a dream)
Then Meryl took a ball and began dribbling down court. She jumped in the air, but her jump was way too early and the missed the hoop by a mere 40 feet.
Otacon then took a ball and began dribbling down court. Unlike Meryl, who missed by a "little bit", he got to the hoop, but nailed his head on the backboard, which loosened a bolt.
Raiden then took his basketball and dribbled down court. He jumped into the air and slammed the ball thought the hoop. He then hung onto the rim and screamed. However, the bolt did not magically fix itself, and he came crashing down with the basketball hoop. The backboard then crushed him. It shattered and blood was everywhere. It was quite a mess.
***********
Chapter 9 2/3: Anyway (11:50 pm)
Snake smirked as he finished imaging the dream, but then he realized that all three of the other people imagined it with him, and saw they were frowning. Snake then lightened up the mood.
"Hey, its only a dream." Said Snake. He then call Naomi over to the table.
"Yes Snake?" asked Naomi.
"Vodka on the rocks." Said Snake. Naomi tried to convince Snake from getting the drink.
"Do you know what alcohol in such a high concentration can do to your liver? It can kill you if you have too much, and."
"JUST GET THE MAN HIS DAMN DRINK!!!!" yelled Campbell at Naomi. She then reluctantly went and got Snake his drink.
"Over protective bitch. Its as if she loves me or something" Said Snake with a sigh. He was remembering the time that Naomi was about to tell he something, but just couldn't put his finger on it. So, when Naomi returned with his drink, he asked her.
"Hey Naomi, when the authorities took you away after telling me about FOXDIE, what were you going to tell me?" asked Snake.
"Um, I, uh, nothing." Said Naomi, being very protective.
"Oh, ok. HEY, I just remembered something!!!!" said Snake.
"Yeah, what is it?" asked Naomi, who looked like she'd rather be somewhere else at that time.
"You said that if I got back from Shadow Moses alive, I could do a strip search on you!!!!!" said Snake excitedly.
"Um, I don't remember that." said Naomi with a worried grin on her face.
"Um, actually, you did. I have to tapes at my house." Said Campbell.
Mei Ling then came up out of no where and said to the group "I HAVE TAPE RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!"
She then pressed play, with surely enough, played Naomi's voice saying those things
"Well, if you come back, I'll let you do a strip search on me." "I ought to hold you to that doctor."
She then rewind it and kept playing it over and over again till the tape machine sponteously combusted.
Naomi, now blushing very red, reluctantly agreed to go into the bathroom with Snake.
"Hey, Otacon, while I'm in here, make sure RL doesn't escape." Said Snake.
"Yeah, sure thing. But, I don't have a gun." Said Otacon.
"Yeah, well, improvise." Said Snake as he went through the door.
RL sat in the corner, drinking his two cups of booze. One vodka, to satisfy Ocelot, and one whiskey, to satisfy Liquid.
'You know what, we should go get our tank back and blow up the bar.' Said Liquid.
"But, how will we get out of here?" asked Ocelot. "That nerd is watching us."
'He'll be easy, just follow my lead.' Said Liquid.
"How am I supposed to follow you? You're only my hand!!!!" said Ocelot.
'JUST GO!!' said Liquid, who was now very aggravated.
So, RL got up and walked out to the door, when Otacon noticed him and stopped him.
"Hey, where are you going?" said Otacon.
"We're going to get our tank, so we can get some highly explosive material out of it." Said RL.
"But, Snake told me not to let you guys go. I'll get in trouble." Said Otacon.
"We'll kill you if you tell Snake, it's that simple. But your going to die anyways, so tough shit!!!!" said Ocelot as he walked out the door. Otacon began panicking, but then just went to the bar and figured he could drink the problem away.
"Bartender, get me a.um. Shirley Temple." Said Otacon. "Um, sure." Said Solidus. 'What a fruit-basket.' Though Solidus to himself.
"Here you go." Said Solidus as he handed the drink to Otacon. After taking one and a half sips, he passed out. Solidus just looked at him, turned, sighed, but then was happy to see another group of women had walked through the door.
"Well, hey there sweet-hearts. How can I be of service to you? Can I pleasure you in any way?" said Solidus in a very interesting look. The girls were very turned on by the 50 year old man.
"Well, me and my girls want some Margaritas, with some lime and salt." Said the group's leader.
"Just a second hottie." Said Solidus as he went to get the drinks.
"You're not too bad yourself." Said the woman.
After Solidus returned with the drinks, he started a conversation with the lead girl.
"Hey, you into love at first sight?" asked Solidus, trying to hit on her.
"Only if the man is not married, and has no children. He also needs to be honest." Said the girl.
"Well, that fits me perfectly well." Said Solidus with a smile, hoping that Jack wouldn't show up at the time.
"Well, then I think I'm in love." Said the girl.
"Well, let me show this to you then." Said Solidus with a smile.
As he was about to whip it out, his son appeared right between his legs.
"HI DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jack.
"OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Solidus. The woman obviously was not buying it.
"You lying bastard, I can't believe I said I loved you. Come on girls, lets get out of here!!" said the woman as she slapped Solidus across the face.
Solidus watched as the woman left the bar. He then turned to Raiden and punched him multiple times in the face.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE????" Yelled Solidus.
Raiden, in between punches made out these words. "The" "Pat" "Rio" "Ts"
"The Patriots?" asked Solidus, only getting a nodding up and down out of Raiden's head.
"DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! FIRST THEY TRY TO KILL ME, THEN THEY WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!!! DAMN THEM!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Solidus at the top of his lungs.
"Oh well, I got to take a leak, you're in charge of the bar, for now." Said Solidus.
"Why me?" asked Raiden.
"Just because.you're right. Hey, Campbell, come bartend for me." Said Solidus. So Campbell walked over to the bar and took over his duties, as Solidus went to the bathroom. He walked through the door, seeing Naomi inside the bathroom.
"What the hell?" asked Solidus to himself. "Why are you in here" he then asked.
"Um, no reason." Said Naomi, who was trying to get out of this problem in anyway she could.
"You know, you have beautiful eyes." Said Solidus.
"Thank you." Said Naomi, who was now blushing. Solidus continued with her beautiful smile, and things like that till Naomi couldn't take it anymore. She then jumped into Solidus' arms and just started kissing him. They then locked themselves into a stall, and well, never mind.
********* Snake then walked out of the bathroom with his drink in hand. Otacon, who was now awake again, asked Snake how she was.
"How did she do, eh Snake?" asked Otacon.
"What are you talking about?" asked Snake.
"I thought she let you strip-search her." Said Otacon.
"I did, but half way through it I had to piss, and made her hold my drink. After that, she was out of the mood, so I climbed out the window and had a smoke." Said Snake.
"Oh. I see." Said Otacon.
"Oh, well, you can't always get lucky, if you know what I mean." Said Snake as he sipped his drink.
"No, I don't know what you mean Snake." Said Otacon. Snake then punched him in the face, knocking him out again.
*************** RL hurried back to the bar with the tank and a whole bunch of SEMTEX. He had plans to make sure no one, not even Jeffery the Dog, escaped. (Who's Jeffery the Dog?)
'This will put and end to all our troubles, and we can finally take over the world!!!' said Liquid, with a very happy sounding tone.
"I know, and I finally will get my swimming pool of Jell-O!!" said Ocelot excitedly. Liquid just shuddered at the idea of Ocelot in a pool of Jell-O. As they pulled up to the bar, they walked in on time to see Snake lay out Otacon. Snake then noticed RL with a duffle bag on his shoulder.
"What's in the bag?" asked Snake.
"Um, A gift." Said RL, trying to cover his ass (obviously).
"Well, let me have it." Said Snake.
"Well, it needs assembly." Said RL.
"I don't believe you." Said Snake, who was now reaching for his gun.
"Hey, isn't a baseball game or something like that on right now?" ask RL.
"OH MY GOD, I FOR GOT ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!" yelled Snake, who then ran to the bar, and began flipping through the channels till he reached ESPN.
RL, breathing a sigh of relief, continued to the basement. After getting there, he began wiring the bombs.
"Hey, is it the green wire or the red wire that arms the bomb?" asked Ocelot.
'Um, I think its green, but then again, it could be red. I don't know, just use something.' Said Liquid. So, Ocelot stuck the green wire in, and sure enough, it didn't work. So, he then stuck the red wire in and armed the bomb. He continued doing this till the basement of 'The Fox Hole' looked like some cheesy Batman cartoon, or littered with lots of harmful explosives.
'They won't know what hit them.' Said Liquid with glee.
"Yeah, now lets get the hell out of here." Said Ocelot.
So, RL went upstairs and made his way for the door.
"Hey Snake, I'm going to get some fresh air." Said RL. Just as RL had guessed, Snake just replied with a "Yeah, Whatever" cause of how entranced into the football game he was. When RL was finally outside, he ran to the tank, grabbed the detonator. He then got ready to press the button.
'Three' said Liquid
"Two" said Ocelot
"ONE" said Jeffery the Dog.
They then pressed the button and waited to see the ruins of the once very elegant (I guess) bar.
WILL SNAKE AND CO. SURVIVE THIS CATASTOPHIC DELEMA? WILL NAOMI MARRY SOLIDUS? WILL THE DOMINOES GUY COME ONTIME WITH MY PIZZA CAUSE OF HOW HUNGRY I AM? DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS SHIRT? TOON IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!!!