"A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her, but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account."
-W Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence
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"What are you doing?"
He hadn't even heard her walk in and now here she was standing in the doorway behind him staring at his packed duffel bag on her bed. It didn't make any difference that he'd been practicing how he was going to answer this question all day, now that she'd asked his mind was simply incapable of forming a coherent thought.
"Well I'm... it's just that... um... the doctor said I'm making really good progress and that I could probably take care of myself and... you know I... I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to move back into my place. I mean you're probably tired of having me around anyway... I just figured you'd want the place back to yourself."
She doesn't even consider buying it.
"What's wrong, Mulder?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"Mulder..."
"Look it's nothing. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just thought it would be better if we spent some time apart."
Turning back to his bag he hopes she gets the hint. She does, she's just not about to let him off that easily.
"Seriously Mulder, is everything okay?"
He'd promised himself that he'd never keep anything from her again, especially after last year, but that didn't make it any easier to tell her the truth.
"No. It's not."
He turns to look at her.
"I've been reading the case files from when I was missing. Particularly those that involved your search for me in Arizona and that slug-worshiping cult."
She sighs.
"Oh those. Look I know I should have probably been more careful but I did what I thought was necessary and fortunately everything turned out okay."
"But what if it hadn't? What if something had happened to the baby? Or you? I mean what the hell were you even thinking when you put yourself at risk like that?"
"What was I supposed to do? Just sit at home with my feet propped up while that son of a bitch Kersh shut down the X-Files?"
"Maybe."
"What do you mean "Maybe"? The past nine years of our lives are in those files and you're telling me that you would have wanted me to give them up just like that?"
"Remember in Oregon when I told you that the personal cost might be too high? Well now I know they are. I mean look at the past nine years of our lives Scully. Look at working on the X-Files has done to us. To you. Maybe it is time for you to consider transferring to another department."
"You can't possibly be serious."
"Fine let's say we do keep working on the X-Files. And then one day we go out on a case and we don't come back. What then? Or let's just say only one of us comes back. I don't even know if I'm capable of raising that baby with you let alone without you."
"Is that what this is about? You don't think you're going to be a good father?"
"Everyone I have ever loved has either been hurt or killed. I'm just trying to protect you and the baby."
"By sending us away."
"You think I want to do that? You don't think I would love to have you, the baby, AND the X-Files? I'm just not sure I want to risk losing either of you because I wanted to see if I could have it all."
"And what makes you think we'll be any safer if I'm not working on the X-Files? Mulder we've seen how these people operate. If they wanted to hurt us they won't give a damn whether we're working together or living 3,000 mile apart. At least together we know we have a shot at stopping them before they get to us."
"And what if we don't?"
"Look I don't know about you but after all I've seen and everything I've learned, I can't possibly walk away. Not anymore. I have to try and do something because even if I do fail at least I'll know that I did everything in my power to protect my family."
Mulder isn't exactly sure about what to say so he simply sits on the edge of the bed and buries his head in his hands. As Scully watches him struggle she begins to wonder if maybe there isn't something else.
"Mulder if... if you don't want to be a part of this..."
"What?! No of course I want to. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with you and the baby. It's just... I don't know..."
Standing he begins to pace.
"Mulder what is it?"
He stops and turns toward her but he won't look her in the eye.
"I'm so damn scared Scully. I mean all my father ever did was hurt me and make me feel like crap. What if I can't do any better?"
"Mulder you're not the only one that's scared. I've thought the same thing a thousand times a day since I found out."
"Yeah but... but at least you have some idea about what to do. You have great family that you know loves you. One that doesn't lie to you or manipulate you or hand you sister over to be experimented on using alien DNA."
"That doesn't make you incapable of being a good father. Sure you're going to have problems but that's everybody. And you know maybe your background will make it a little more difficult for you than for others but I've seen you with kids Mulder. With Gibson. With Emily. I know you have it in you."
"I wish I could believe you Scully but I..."
"Look if you don't want to be with us fine. I'll put in for a transfer first thing tomorrow morning. But don't think you're doing us any favors by abandoning us. Because there's no better way to hurt a child or anyone else for that matter than by not even trying to be there for them."
He shakes his head.
"I know... I just..."
"It's okay. You've been through a lot and coming home didn't make anything any easier. Listen I already promised my mom that I'd drive up to see her tonight so I better get going. You're welcome to come..."
"No that's okay. I... I have a lot to think about."
"I understand. Take however long you need. And whatever you decide, I'll support you."
"Thank you."
There's an awkward moment of silence before she glances at the clock. He follows her gaze.
"You should probably go."
"I know. I'll talk to you later then?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"Okay."
Turning around she heads for the door. But before she leaves she looks back. She wants to say more but she doesn't know what it is so she leaves without another word.
Later that evening when she gets home he's gone. All that's left is a small note that simply reads:
I want to try.
THE END
-W Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"What are you doing?"
He hadn't even heard her walk in and now here she was standing in the doorway behind him staring at his packed duffel bag on her bed. It didn't make any difference that he'd been practicing how he was going to answer this question all day, now that she'd asked his mind was simply incapable of forming a coherent thought.
"Well I'm... it's just that... um... the doctor said I'm making really good progress and that I could probably take care of myself and... you know I... I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to move back into my place. I mean you're probably tired of having me around anyway... I just figured you'd want the place back to yourself."
She doesn't even consider buying it.
"What's wrong, Mulder?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"Mulder..."
"Look it's nothing. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just thought it would be better if we spent some time apart."
Turning back to his bag he hopes she gets the hint. She does, she's just not about to let him off that easily.
"Seriously Mulder, is everything okay?"
He'd promised himself that he'd never keep anything from her again, especially after last year, but that didn't make it any easier to tell her the truth.
"No. It's not."
He turns to look at her.
"I've been reading the case files from when I was missing. Particularly those that involved your search for me in Arizona and that slug-worshiping cult."
She sighs.
"Oh those. Look I know I should have probably been more careful but I did what I thought was necessary and fortunately everything turned out okay."
"But what if it hadn't? What if something had happened to the baby? Or you? I mean what the hell were you even thinking when you put yourself at risk like that?"
"What was I supposed to do? Just sit at home with my feet propped up while that son of a bitch Kersh shut down the X-Files?"
"Maybe."
"What do you mean "Maybe"? The past nine years of our lives are in those files and you're telling me that you would have wanted me to give them up just like that?"
"Remember in Oregon when I told you that the personal cost might be too high? Well now I know they are. I mean look at the past nine years of our lives Scully. Look at working on the X-Files has done to us. To you. Maybe it is time for you to consider transferring to another department."
"You can't possibly be serious."
"Fine let's say we do keep working on the X-Files. And then one day we go out on a case and we don't come back. What then? Or let's just say only one of us comes back. I don't even know if I'm capable of raising that baby with you let alone without you."
"Is that what this is about? You don't think you're going to be a good father?"
"Everyone I have ever loved has either been hurt or killed. I'm just trying to protect you and the baby."
"By sending us away."
"You think I want to do that? You don't think I would love to have you, the baby, AND the X-Files? I'm just not sure I want to risk losing either of you because I wanted to see if I could have it all."
"And what makes you think we'll be any safer if I'm not working on the X-Files? Mulder we've seen how these people operate. If they wanted to hurt us they won't give a damn whether we're working together or living 3,000 mile apart. At least together we know we have a shot at stopping them before they get to us."
"And what if we don't?"
"Look I don't know about you but after all I've seen and everything I've learned, I can't possibly walk away. Not anymore. I have to try and do something because even if I do fail at least I'll know that I did everything in my power to protect my family."
Mulder isn't exactly sure about what to say so he simply sits on the edge of the bed and buries his head in his hands. As Scully watches him struggle she begins to wonder if maybe there isn't something else.
"Mulder if... if you don't want to be a part of this..."
"What?! No of course I want to. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with you and the baby. It's just... I don't know..."
Standing he begins to pace.
"Mulder what is it?"
He stops and turns toward her but he won't look her in the eye.
"I'm so damn scared Scully. I mean all my father ever did was hurt me and make me feel like crap. What if I can't do any better?"
"Mulder you're not the only one that's scared. I've thought the same thing a thousand times a day since I found out."
"Yeah but... but at least you have some idea about what to do. You have great family that you know loves you. One that doesn't lie to you or manipulate you or hand you sister over to be experimented on using alien DNA."
"That doesn't make you incapable of being a good father. Sure you're going to have problems but that's everybody. And you know maybe your background will make it a little more difficult for you than for others but I've seen you with kids Mulder. With Gibson. With Emily. I know you have it in you."
"I wish I could believe you Scully but I..."
"Look if you don't want to be with us fine. I'll put in for a transfer first thing tomorrow morning. But don't think you're doing us any favors by abandoning us. Because there's no better way to hurt a child or anyone else for that matter than by not even trying to be there for them."
He shakes his head.
"I know... I just..."
"It's okay. You've been through a lot and coming home didn't make anything any easier. Listen I already promised my mom that I'd drive up to see her tonight so I better get going. You're welcome to come..."
"No that's okay. I... I have a lot to think about."
"I understand. Take however long you need. And whatever you decide, I'll support you."
"Thank you."
There's an awkward moment of silence before she glances at the clock. He follows her gaze.
"You should probably go."
"I know. I'll talk to you later then?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"Okay."
Turning around she heads for the door. But before she leaves she looks back. She wants to say more but she doesn't know what it is so she leaves without another word.
Later that evening when she gets home he's gone. All that's left is a small note that simply reads:
I want to try.
THE END