Crackling Ivy
By the Evil Overlord of Fallen Angels
Genre: Humour/Adventure
Summary: Isabella and Raphael join forces to search for Eloise. Also more SC2 characters headed this way! Excuse me if they're not like they were, but they are in an AU! SO THERE!
Disclaimer: (clears throat) I do not own Soul Calibur, Andreas and Eloise are original (so are the books and Cranston.and the swords "personality") if you lay a hand on them without permission I will chop said hands off and force feet you them with a siding of overpoweringly out of date mustard TTFN (Since Buffy that is an Evil Phrase)
'You have thaved me Lady Ithabella!' the Queen exclaimed.
'Your majesty' Ivy said with a short bow. 'You have.a little.something there' She pointed to her own tongue. The Queen nodded.
'Ith caviar, I can't get thith thtuff to thtop thticking to my mouth' the royal madam explained. Ivy nodded.
'And Lord Raphael! Thankth ever tho much! Athk anything and ith thall be yours! Ith there anything I can give you?'
'I need to find Eloise' Raphael said. 'I must find her, she saved me and now I must save her.please majesty if you have any power to find the being that stole her away .I would be in your debt'
'Nonthenth!' The Queen said as she tried to pry the black sticky fish eggs from her mouth. 'Ith ith a given! Athk another thing of me for that girl thall be found whether thou ask it or not'
Ivy shifted slowly. 'Majesty, I must depart this evening, please forgive me for not remaining'
'Lady Ithabella!' the Queen exclaimed as Ivy slowly strode towards the man holding out her fur-lined cloak. 'Thou hath not athked for a reward!'
'I may call on that favour your highness, but for now I have other matters to attend, I bid you good evening'
And in a sweep of her cloak she had vanished.
=
Eloise shifted, her arms were tide behind her back with strong rope and her eyes were blindfolded.
I swear! If I find I'm in a room at the top of a castle on a straw bed.well someone will be getting castrated.
The sound was so faint a heartbeat would have drowned it out. But Eloise had sharp senses; you needed them to deal with those creepy courtiers who liked to sneak up on you.
The blindfold was removed. She blinked and looked around. The room was extravagant, decadent, indulgent.lots of other words ending with -ent- would also fit in but Eloise was more interested in the man standing at the other side of the room. The autumnal colours of the room contrasted with the dark purple of his garb, she knew him to be the assassin who had kidnapped her.now that was an oxymoron.
'Why amn't I dead?' she asked simply.
'Union rules' was the reply. 'Plus the boss threatened to have me "nutted" if I hurt you'
He slowly reached up behind his head and unwound the turban; he had dusty blonde hair and sallow skin under his turban. He removed the purple material and then unclipped the leather facemask and the kerchief over his mouth.
He was actually very easy on the eyes. His sallow skin was a golden colour, his eyes were a nice hazel and the only flaw in his skin was a sharp thin scar through his left eyebrow. His right ear was pierced a few times with gold rings. 'I'm Andreas Lerner' he added. 'Head of the Zaitara'n assassins.' She looked at him coolly. 'Ohh! I'm so impressed.'
With a short laugh he removed a blade from his boot, a sai dagger, Eloise tensed ready to kick if she had to. He swept the blade down and cut the leg of lamb on the table before him. He laid it out before her.
'Bon appetite' he said.
'Vouz-etez un salaud!'
'I'm a salad?' he murmured. 'Oh! A bastard! Yes actually I am. Very perceptive, but considering how you accessorize I'm not surprised'
He tossed a throwing star casually; it bounced off the wall and sliced open her ropes. She rubbed her wrists as he slammed the door, the bolt ground into place and his footsteps faded. She looked at the food. Lamb, potatoes.caviar on crackers?
'This must be a new kind of torture' she muttered. 'Not that I have any arguments!'
=
Ivy opened the book. 'Something Lady Libertine had.something she might have owned?' She looked past the stacks of books to Cranston who was casually placing her tea down. 'Cranston. Do you know anything of the DeRoche family?'
'Simply that they are French, dignified, rich and quite powerful' he said. 'But what member of the aristocrats isn't?'
Ivy nodded. 'Thank you Cranston'.
She returned to her copy of The Big Book of Genealogy, Heirlooms and Tricks with spoons by Laurence Meneezboone.
Ivy casually leafed through the pages until she found an article she was interested in, the DeRoche family.
'Usually known as Eloise the young lady is the daughter of Lord Augustus and Lady Genevieve DeRoche.incredibly rich.blah blah blah.ah! The Eye of Isis, an ancient heirloom belonging to the DeRoche Family. It has been passed down from mother to daughter for 23 generations.apparently a grandmother with many Greats behind it.bartered a bowl of goulash and a goat for it from a trader. After that she became incredibly rich.it seems that ancestor had an incredible windfall after that.' She looked at the sword reading over her shoulder from the book. She adjusted her glasses.
'Yes I know you can read it for yourself---no I was not saying that you were slow' she sighed.
She leaned over in her chair so the sword could observe the book better; the sharp tip glimmered as it scanned the pages.
'I feel that 6th sense kicking in' Ivy said. 'They were after the pendant.why does it look so familiar?' she wondered.
The Necklace was an Egyptian eye with two crescents facing away from it on a gold ring that clipped around the neck. 'Perhaps its time I go to mothers Room.' she murmured. 'I feel the answers there.no you can't drink my tea I'll want it later.'
It's like having a child, she groaned inwardly. She thought back, her history with the sword was not the best. But it had been with her through marriages, betrayal and heartache.she remembered the night her mother had passed on.
------Flashback, the stereotypical night of sorrow, rain, thunder, lightening-----
The crash of thunder drowned out the third ring of the bell. Ivy hurried up the stairs to the darkened room, the single lamp lighting it. 'Darling' the weak rasp came. It was sadly her mother's voice, devoid of the life it had once had.
'Yes mother?' Ivy asked. 'Do you need water?'
'No my dear.please.come here' her mother coughed again. Ivy hurried over to her mother, dressed in a silver silk slip of a nightdress and long purple silk dressing gown she held closed.
'I was in the laboratory, I may have found a way to create a highly flexible blade whip of a tree sap I discovered.'
'Please, put the art of the blade from your mind for a moment daughter.we must.must talk'
Ivy ignored the fear and calmly sat at her mother's side. The gnarled hand took the soft but hard worked hand. 'Isabella, you have made me proud.so long have I waited to see you happy.since your fathers death you have forbidden joy into your heart.and now you are preparing to marry Carlos.I am nearly dead Isabella, my life fades like a guttering candle.'
'Mother no! You're strong enough to hold on.'
'No Ivy' her mother said. Her pale face and greying black hair seemed so frail and ghostly.her gaunt hands took her daughters and she looked into her eyes. 'I am proud, prouder then any mother can ever be.but you are not my blood daughter.' Ivy's heart skipped a beat in shock.
'What do you mean mother?'
'Twenty-two years ago I was in Portugal with your father.the count.we were approached by a man. He was dressed much like a pirate, he watched the swords at his hip like they might attack him and was most agitated. He gave you to us and told us that should you ever wish to find the truth then you should open the letter he gave us.' The countess burst into a fit of coughs but pointed a hand to her vanity table. 'It is in my jewellery box.never has it been opened.please take it.open it should you wish the--- the truth'
The countess sank back into her bed and with a final breath left the world. Ivy clutched her mothers heart sobbing. The money was fading, her father had destroyed them.but he had left her with one thing.Alchemy!
'I swear you were my true mother, always! No matter my family'
=== End Flashback===
Ivy pinched the bridge of her nose and looked up from the books as Cranston cleared his throat. 'A Monsieur Raphael to see you milady.'
Ivy groaned loudly and picked up the sword. Slowly she strode towards the doors of the Library. 'Show him into the main room, I will be there momentarily.'
Raphael brushed a strand of blonde hair from his eyes hastily and glanced at the doors. Lady Isabella was dressed in riding breeches and a long dark purple jacket. She held the sword in her hands.
'Lady Isabella' Raphael said with a swift bow. 'I must thank you for last night.you were unforgettable'
'If I had a gold piece for every time someone said that to me' she said waving at a chair across from her. Raphael took a seat. 'What can I do for you Monsieur?' 'Eloise.the Queen has sent her agents to find Eloise and.well I feel that the guards are royally incompetent. You are not, and I ask of you.will you aid me to find Eloise?'
'You want my help?' murmured Ivy. 'I am intrigued, don't men always turn to other men, is it not the job of a woman to sit at home and twiddle her thumbs.a skill mother taught me in painstaking hour-long sessions.no it didn't catch on'
'Your sword is.is---Incredible! Almost as though it were alive.'
'It is' she said with a brush of her hair by an elegant hand. 'If you must know I have a lead as to why Lady Eloise was taken. But a single person in my library doesn't cover much ground'
Raphael looked at her. 'Then allow me to help, any aid you can give would be much appreciated.and I have a friend coming into town this eve.he can help us with the search.'
'What is his name?' asked Ivy.
'Siegfried'
'Interesting, German?'
'Yes'
'Swordsman?'
'Exactly'
'Educated?'
'Very'
'Well-Bred?'
'Yes actually, very'
'Hah, it was one word answers only, you're getting sloppy' Ivy said.
'You said well bred'
'That was hyphenated' Ivy explained. 'This way to the library.'
She rose and sashayed from the room followed by Raphael.who was watching her backside.
'Eyes straight ahead Raphael'
'Sorry'.
Eloise opened the wardrobe. The clothes were folded up neatly in carious drawers, no hangers.so she couldn't gouge out anyone's eyes.She examined the clothes. 'Good God! Everything here has a bodice.or corset.or both.or.I'm sorry are those love hearts meant to cover my---'
'Heya princess' a voice said. She twisted, Andreas was leaned against the doorframe. 'I have good news.'
'You're going to toss yourself out the window?' Eloise asked hopefully.
'No, though it would be fun.painful.but fun' Andreas shrugged. He shut the door and glanced at the eating table. 'Where's the tray?' he asked. Eloise smiled sweetly. 'RIGHT HERE!'
She swung it and smashed it into his face. He stepped back and rubbed his face it was pretty much unscathed. 'That was perfectly good silver' he said. She swung it again and he caught it without blinking. 'Now, that's not very nice, you're lucky.my life was pretty crappy until I got this cushy job in The Fortress of Vanities!' (Thunder crash, dramatic organ notes)
Eloise looked around. 'Where did that thunder come from? And the organ music?' 'The boss is practicing'
Eloise nodded and punched him across the jaw. 'By the way, my compliments to the chef, the lamb was excellent'
He ducked under her kick (restricted by her dress) and blocked another punch. 'Oh I know, wait until you taste his éclairs.chocolate so dark light cannot escape it' 'I won't be staying that long' Eloise said as she turned her back on him and scooped her foot up under his jaw. He was flipped into the air and slammed onto the ground. He grunted and rose again, shoving off from the ground to rise smoothly on that momentum.
'Yes you will, unless you hand over the necklace'
Eloise paused. 'Umm.no' she decided. 'This is a priceless family heirloom!' 'Actually its worth a bowl of goulash and a one legged goat' said Andreas. 'Now, the boss wants the Eye of Isis, you get one shot at this. Your choice.my boss isn't the most patient. One time this guy clocked in late from a lunch break. They found him in Spain.and Prussia.and Ireland.and Portugal.And Italy.And Abyssinia eh.and Iceland.and.'
'Okay point taken let me think about it' Eloise said. She lunged at him. He caught her wrists and spun on his heels. His right hand wrapped around her waist and he leapt up into the air. He landed on top of her on her bed.
'Forwards aren't we' she said.
'I thought that's the style in France' he said.
'It's the style everywhere.just not in the places you get to see it'
In a blur Andreas was gone and the door was bolted again. Eloise sighed. 'Maybe I can find something modest.okay so the corsets and bodices might be fun.'
==Meanwhile===
'Have you found anything?' Ivy asked looking over the rims of her narrow glasses.
'Yup' Raphael said. 'Very.interesting.'
'What is it?' Ivy asked.
'A reference book of some sort.'
Ivy rose from her seat and strolled over and plucked it from his firm grasp. 'The Naughty Boys Guide to Naughty things and assorted other Naughty People' Ivy read. 'Classy'
She opened an illustration, they both leaned their heads to one side then slowly to the other. 'I'm sorry, how is he doing that?' Raphael asked.
'Apparently very well.oh my.that's a man'
'Yes I established that'
'No not that one.that one'
'Ugh! Okay, that's not my cup of tea'
'Yes but I know someone who I can give it to' smirked Ivy as she tossed the book onto the desk.she'd have to hide it, that particular tome might give Cranston several heart attacks. However she'd be delivering it to a particular friend of hers if the chance arose.
'Have you found anything?' asked Raphael as she sat down.
'Actually I have, the assassins wore the garb of the Zaitara'n a creed of assassins not to be mistaken for the Zaitar'an.'
'What's the difference?'
'A comma.oh! You mean cult-creed wise. The Zaitara'n are savage and brutal assassins lead by some of the deadliest people in the world who are trained expertly in the blade.the Zaitar'an are losers who liberate small tubs of margarine, sugar bowls and unusually large snails.while wearing teapots on their heads'
'So the Zaitar'an kidnapped Eloise?'
'No the Zaitara'n did'
'That's what I said the Zaitar'an'
'Zaitara'n'
'THAT'S WHAT I SAID!'
'No you said Zaitar'an, I said Zaitara'n!'
'Well the Zitturin had better not hurt Eloise!'
'The Zitturin are a group of cultists who tattoo the collected works of Plato on their backsides and worship a Giant Cockroach called Cecil!'
'So she's going to be sacrificed to Cecil?'
'NOOOOOOOOOOO' screamed Ivy. This would take a while.
===Meanwhile (believe me I have space to spent time in a meanwhile) ====
Siegfried looked at the man in the white and gold suit roll the dice. His black quiff was styled perfectly. Beside him stood a man with a staff and a strangely naïve glint in his eyes. He wore a short yellow waistcoat with a fur lining and dark purple trousers.
'Strange' Siegfried muttered. The pair looked like they were planning something.oh well, he wouldn't hang around to find out what happened next. Rising he exited the tavern and slowly walked along the cobbled streets by the docks. A shape leapt from the shadows.
'I am that which stalks the streets and prays on women!'
'I'm not a woman' Siegfried said quietly. The street was empty it seemed. With a sigh Siegfried went to leave.the man darted out in front of him brandishing a knife and cackling. 'Prepare to die woman!'
'I said I'm not a woman' repeated Siegfried. The man paused. 'Oh sorry, the hair through me you know'
'I see' Siegfried murmured. 'I do need a trip or something.' 'Well I have to kill you now' the man said. 'Sorry'
'No, its all right' Siegfried said. He pulled his large broadsword from the folds of his cloak. The man's knife clinked to the ground.
'Ah.right.I see' the man said. He turned to run, tripped on a cobble and slid down the hill towards the docks.
'AAAH! Barrels! -' Crash! He slammed through them. '-AHHH! Lobsters! -' Crunch! Snap-snap-snap-snap. '-AHHHH! A shipment of razor blades! -' Swicket! Clicket-slish-slish. '- AHH! Bottles of vineg-AAAAAAAAAHHH! -' He landed in a heap at the bottom of the slope.
'Ohh.' he groaned. 'Hey! I'm alive!'
Just then a burst of carriages came along that road and flattened him.
'Well, at least he went clean shaven' Siegfried muttered. And with a sweep of his cloak he vanished into the mists of London (stubbing his toe twice but why bother to ruin a perfectly good exit? Oh.I just did that didn't I?)
TBC Maxi and Kilik to come! Maxi and Kilik! Oh R&R! I swear this story will get funny at some point! I know it probably stinks but any Reviews and suggestions are welcomed. (PS OC's are something of a trademark for me). I hope you like it so far (fat chance) ciao bella and TTFN.
By the Evil Overlord of Fallen Angels
Genre: Humour/Adventure
Summary: Isabella and Raphael join forces to search for Eloise. Also more SC2 characters headed this way! Excuse me if they're not like they were, but they are in an AU! SO THERE!
Disclaimer: (clears throat) I do not own Soul Calibur, Andreas and Eloise are original (so are the books and Cranston.and the swords "personality") if you lay a hand on them without permission I will chop said hands off and force feet you them with a siding of overpoweringly out of date mustard TTFN (Since Buffy that is an Evil Phrase)
'You have thaved me Lady Ithabella!' the Queen exclaimed.
'Your majesty' Ivy said with a short bow. 'You have.a little.something there' She pointed to her own tongue. The Queen nodded.
'Ith caviar, I can't get thith thtuff to thtop thticking to my mouth' the royal madam explained. Ivy nodded.
'And Lord Raphael! Thankth ever tho much! Athk anything and ith thall be yours! Ith there anything I can give you?'
'I need to find Eloise' Raphael said. 'I must find her, she saved me and now I must save her.please majesty if you have any power to find the being that stole her away .I would be in your debt'
'Nonthenth!' The Queen said as she tried to pry the black sticky fish eggs from her mouth. 'Ith ith a given! Athk another thing of me for that girl thall be found whether thou ask it or not'
Ivy shifted slowly. 'Majesty, I must depart this evening, please forgive me for not remaining'
'Lady Ithabella!' the Queen exclaimed as Ivy slowly strode towards the man holding out her fur-lined cloak. 'Thou hath not athked for a reward!'
'I may call on that favour your highness, but for now I have other matters to attend, I bid you good evening'
And in a sweep of her cloak she had vanished.
=
Eloise shifted, her arms were tide behind her back with strong rope and her eyes were blindfolded.
I swear! If I find I'm in a room at the top of a castle on a straw bed.well someone will be getting castrated.
The sound was so faint a heartbeat would have drowned it out. But Eloise had sharp senses; you needed them to deal with those creepy courtiers who liked to sneak up on you.
The blindfold was removed. She blinked and looked around. The room was extravagant, decadent, indulgent.lots of other words ending with -ent- would also fit in but Eloise was more interested in the man standing at the other side of the room. The autumnal colours of the room contrasted with the dark purple of his garb, she knew him to be the assassin who had kidnapped her.now that was an oxymoron.
'Why amn't I dead?' she asked simply.
'Union rules' was the reply. 'Plus the boss threatened to have me "nutted" if I hurt you'
He slowly reached up behind his head and unwound the turban; he had dusty blonde hair and sallow skin under his turban. He removed the purple material and then unclipped the leather facemask and the kerchief over his mouth.
He was actually very easy on the eyes. His sallow skin was a golden colour, his eyes were a nice hazel and the only flaw in his skin was a sharp thin scar through his left eyebrow. His right ear was pierced a few times with gold rings. 'I'm Andreas Lerner' he added. 'Head of the Zaitara'n assassins.' She looked at him coolly. 'Ohh! I'm so impressed.'
With a short laugh he removed a blade from his boot, a sai dagger, Eloise tensed ready to kick if she had to. He swept the blade down and cut the leg of lamb on the table before him. He laid it out before her.
'Bon appetite' he said.
'Vouz-etez un salaud!'
'I'm a salad?' he murmured. 'Oh! A bastard! Yes actually I am. Very perceptive, but considering how you accessorize I'm not surprised'
He tossed a throwing star casually; it bounced off the wall and sliced open her ropes. She rubbed her wrists as he slammed the door, the bolt ground into place and his footsteps faded. She looked at the food. Lamb, potatoes.caviar on crackers?
'This must be a new kind of torture' she muttered. 'Not that I have any arguments!'
=
Ivy opened the book. 'Something Lady Libertine had.something she might have owned?' She looked past the stacks of books to Cranston who was casually placing her tea down. 'Cranston. Do you know anything of the DeRoche family?'
'Simply that they are French, dignified, rich and quite powerful' he said. 'But what member of the aristocrats isn't?'
Ivy nodded. 'Thank you Cranston'.
She returned to her copy of The Big Book of Genealogy, Heirlooms and Tricks with spoons by Laurence Meneezboone.
Ivy casually leafed through the pages until she found an article she was interested in, the DeRoche family.
'Usually known as Eloise the young lady is the daughter of Lord Augustus and Lady Genevieve DeRoche.incredibly rich.blah blah blah.ah! The Eye of Isis, an ancient heirloom belonging to the DeRoche Family. It has been passed down from mother to daughter for 23 generations.apparently a grandmother with many Greats behind it.bartered a bowl of goulash and a goat for it from a trader. After that she became incredibly rich.it seems that ancestor had an incredible windfall after that.' She looked at the sword reading over her shoulder from the book. She adjusted her glasses.
'Yes I know you can read it for yourself---no I was not saying that you were slow' she sighed.
She leaned over in her chair so the sword could observe the book better; the sharp tip glimmered as it scanned the pages.
'I feel that 6th sense kicking in' Ivy said. 'They were after the pendant.why does it look so familiar?' she wondered.
The Necklace was an Egyptian eye with two crescents facing away from it on a gold ring that clipped around the neck. 'Perhaps its time I go to mothers Room.' she murmured. 'I feel the answers there.no you can't drink my tea I'll want it later.'
It's like having a child, she groaned inwardly. She thought back, her history with the sword was not the best. But it had been with her through marriages, betrayal and heartache.she remembered the night her mother had passed on.
------Flashback, the stereotypical night of sorrow, rain, thunder, lightening-----
The crash of thunder drowned out the third ring of the bell. Ivy hurried up the stairs to the darkened room, the single lamp lighting it. 'Darling' the weak rasp came. It was sadly her mother's voice, devoid of the life it had once had.
'Yes mother?' Ivy asked. 'Do you need water?'
'No my dear.please.come here' her mother coughed again. Ivy hurried over to her mother, dressed in a silver silk slip of a nightdress and long purple silk dressing gown she held closed.
'I was in the laboratory, I may have found a way to create a highly flexible blade whip of a tree sap I discovered.'
'Please, put the art of the blade from your mind for a moment daughter.we must.must talk'
Ivy ignored the fear and calmly sat at her mother's side. The gnarled hand took the soft but hard worked hand. 'Isabella, you have made me proud.so long have I waited to see you happy.since your fathers death you have forbidden joy into your heart.and now you are preparing to marry Carlos.I am nearly dead Isabella, my life fades like a guttering candle.'
'Mother no! You're strong enough to hold on.'
'No Ivy' her mother said. Her pale face and greying black hair seemed so frail and ghostly.her gaunt hands took her daughters and she looked into her eyes. 'I am proud, prouder then any mother can ever be.but you are not my blood daughter.' Ivy's heart skipped a beat in shock.
'What do you mean mother?'
'Twenty-two years ago I was in Portugal with your father.the count.we were approached by a man. He was dressed much like a pirate, he watched the swords at his hip like they might attack him and was most agitated. He gave you to us and told us that should you ever wish to find the truth then you should open the letter he gave us.' The countess burst into a fit of coughs but pointed a hand to her vanity table. 'It is in my jewellery box.never has it been opened.please take it.open it should you wish the--- the truth'
The countess sank back into her bed and with a final breath left the world. Ivy clutched her mothers heart sobbing. The money was fading, her father had destroyed them.but he had left her with one thing.Alchemy!
'I swear you were my true mother, always! No matter my family'
=== End Flashback===
Ivy pinched the bridge of her nose and looked up from the books as Cranston cleared his throat. 'A Monsieur Raphael to see you milady.'
Ivy groaned loudly and picked up the sword. Slowly she strode towards the doors of the Library. 'Show him into the main room, I will be there momentarily.'
Raphael brushed a strand of blonde hair from his eyes hastily and glanced at the doors. Lady Isabella was dressed in riding breeches and a long dark purple jacket. She held the sword in her hands.
'Lady Isabella' Raphael said with a swift bow. 'I must thank you for last night.you were unforgettable'
'If I had a gold piece for every time someone said that to me' she said waving at a chair across from her. Raphael took a seat. 'What can I do for you Monsieur?' 'Eloise.the Queen has sent her agents to find Eloise and.well I feel that the guards are royally incompetent. You are not, and I ask of you.will you aid me to find Eloise?'
'You want my help?' murmured Ivy. 'I am intrigued, don't men always turn to other men, is it not the job of a woman to sit at home and twiddle her thumbs.a skill mother taught me in painstaking hour-long sessions.no it didn't catch on'
'Your sword is.is---Incredible! Almost as though it were alive.'
'It is' she said with a brush of her hair by an elegant hand. 'If you must know I have a lead as to why Lady Eloise was taken. But a single person in my library doesn't cover much ground'
Raphael looked at her. 'Then allow me to help, any aid you can give would be much appreciated.and I have a friend coming into town this eve.he can help us with the search.'
'What is his name?' asked Ivy.
'Siegfried'
'Interesting, German?'
'Yes'
'Swordsman?'
'Exactly'
'Educated?'
'Very'
'Well-Bred?'
'Yes actually, very'
'Hah, it was one word answers only, you're getting sloppy' Ivy said.
'You said well bred'
'That was hyphenated' Ivy explained. 'This way to the library.'
She rose and sashayed from the room followed by Raphael.who was watching her backside.
'Eyes straight ahead Raphael'
'Sorry'.
Eloise opened the wardrobe. The clothes were folded up neatly in carious drawers, no hangers.so she couldn't gouge out anyone's eyes.She examined the clothes. 'Good God! Everything here has a bodice.or corset.or both.or.I'm sorry are those love hearts meant to cover my---'
'Heya princess' a voice said. She twisted, Andreas was leaned against the doorframe. 'I have good news.'
'You're going to toss yourself out the window?' Eloise asked hopefully.
'No, though it would be fun.painful.but fun' Andreas shrugged. He shut the door and glanced at the eating table. 'Where's the tray?' he asked. Eloise smiled sweetly. 'RIGHT HERE!'
She swung it and smashed it into his face. He stepped back and rubbed his face it was pretty much unscathed. 'That was perfectly good silver' he said. She swung it again and he caught it without blinking. 'Now, that's not very nice, you're lucky.my life was pretty crappy until I got this cushy job in The Fortress of Vanities!' (Thunder crash, dramatic organ notes)
Eloise looked around. 'Where did that thunder come from? And the organ music?' 'The boss is practicing'
Eloise nodded and punched him across the jaw. 'By the way, my compliments to the chef, the lamb was excellent'
He ducked under her kick (restricted by her dress) and blocked another punch. 'Oh I know, wait until you taste his éclairs.chocolate so dark light cannot escape it' 'I won't be staying that long' Eloise said as she turned her back on him and scooped her foot up under his jaw. He was flipped into the air and slammed onto the ground. He grunted and rose again, shoving off from the ground to rise smoothly on that momentum.
'Yes you will, unless you hand over the necklace'
Eloise paused. 'Umm.no' she decided. 'This is a priceless family heirloom!' 'Actually its worth a bowl of goulash and a one legged goat' said Andreas. 'Now, the boss wants the Eye of Isis, you get one shot at this. Your choice.my boss isn't the most patient. One time this guy clocked in late from a lunch break. They found him in Spain.and Prussia.and Ireland.and Portugal.And Italy.And Abyssinia eh.and Iceland.and.'
'Okay point taken let me think about it' Eloise said. She lunged at him. He caught her wrists and spun on his heels. His right hand wrapped around her waist and he leapt up into the air. He landed on top of her on her bed.
'Forwards aren't we' she said.
'I thought that's the style in France' he said.
'It's the style everywhere.just not in the places you get to see it'
In a blur Andreas was gone and the door was bolted again. Eloise sighed. 'Maybe I can find something modest.okay so the corsets and bodices might be fun.'
==Meanwhile===
'Have you found anything?' Ivy asked looking over the rims of her narrow glasses.
'Yup' Raphael said. 'Very.interesting.'
'What is it?' Ivy asked.
'A reference book of some sort.'
Ivy rose from her seat and strolled over and plucked it from his firm grasp. 'The Naughty Boys Guide to Naughty things and assorted other Naughty People' Ivy read. 'Classy'
She opened an illustration, they both leaned their heads to one side then slowly to the other. 'I'm sorry, how is he doing that?' Raphael asked.
'Apparently very well.oh my.that's a man'
'Yes I established that'
'No not that one.that one'
'Ugh! Okay, that's not my cup of tea'
'Yes but I know someone who I can give it to' smirked Ivy as she tossed the book onto the desk.she'd have to hide it, that particular tome might give Cranston several heart attacks. However she'd be delivering it to a particular friend of hers if the chance arose.
'Have you found anything?' asked Raphael as she sat down.
'Actually I have, the assassins wore the garb of the Zaitara'n a creed of assassins not to be mistaken for the Zaitar'an.'
'What's the difference?'
'A comma.oh! You mean cult-creed wise. The Zaitara'n are savage and brutal assassins lead by some of the deadliest people in the world who are trained expertly in the blade.the Zaitar'an are losers who liberate small tubs of margarine, sugar bowls and unusually large snails.while wearing teapots on their heads'
'So the Zaitar'an kidnapped Eloise?'
'No the Zaitara'n did'
'That's what I said the Zaitar'an'
'Zaitara'n'
'THAT'S WHAT I SAID!'
'No you said Zaitar'an, I said Zaitara'n!'
'Well the Zitturin had better not hurt Eloise!'
'The Zitturin are a group of cultists who tattoo the collected works of Plato on their backsides and worship a Giant Cockroach called Cecil!'
'So she's going to be sacrificed to Cecil?'
'NOOOOOOOOOOO' screamed Ivy. This would take a while.
===Meanwhile (believe me I have space to spent time in a meanwhile) ====
Siegfried looked at the man in the white and gold suit roll the dice. His black quiff was styled perfectly. Beside him stood a man with a staff and a strangely naïve glint in his eyes. He wore a short yellow waistcoat with a fur lining and dark purple trousers.
'Strange' Siegfried muttered. The pair looked like they were planning something.oh well, he wouldn't hang around to find out what happened next. Rising he exited the tavern and slowly walked along the cobbled streets by the docks. A shape leapt from the shadows.
'I am that which stalks the streets and prays on women!'
'I'm not a woman' Siegfried said quietly. The street was empty it seemed. With a sigh Siegfried went to leave.the man darted out in front of him brandishing a knife and cackling. 'Prepare to die woman!'
'I said I'm not a woman' repeated Siegfried. The man paused. 'Oh sorry, the hair through me you know'
'I see' Siegfried murmured. 'I do need a trip or something.' 'Well I have to kill you now' the man said. 'Sorry'
'No, its all right' Siegfried said. He pulled his large broadsword from the folds of his cloak. The man's knife clinked to the ground.
'Ah.right.I see' the man said. He turned to run, tripped on a cobble and slid down the hill towards the docks.
'AAAH! Barrels! -' Crash! He slammed through them. '-AHHH! Lobsters! -' Crunch! Snap-snap-snap-snap. '-AHHHH! A shipment of razor blades! -' Swicket! Clicket-slish-slish. '- AHH! Bottles of vineg-AAAAAAAAAHHH! -' He landed in a heap at the bottom of the slope.
'Ohh.' he groaned. 'Hey! I'm alive!'
Just then a burst of carriages came along that road and flattened him.
'Well, at least he went clean shaven' Siegfried muttered. And with a sweep of his cloak he vanished into the mists of London (stubbing his toe twice but why bother to ruin a perfectly good exit? Oh.I just did that didn't I?)
TBC Maxi and Kilik to come! Maxi and Kilik! Oh R&R! I swear this story will get funny at some point! I know it probably stinks but any Reviews and suggestions are welcomed. (PS OC's are something of a trademark for me). I hope you like it so far (fat chance) ciao bella and TTFN.