Toxic Ivy
L'il Miss Moira: Hmm still alive? Curses you're resourceful! My Kung fu troops go the addresses wrong again! Seriously, I can't wait to read a Siggy fic. He's actually a cool character (but I'm a stickler for those with evil sides) and I am positive you'll do a good job. Ciao Bella.
Jia-DarkHole-Sun: Talim is a cool character and she's getting a main role next up and a little romance too! Serious! Just guess who it is!
A/N: I have news! Kilik and Maxi's relationship will be examined. Well the fact they don't really have one. Also my comedy in this is a little rushed. I need some inspiration here as I'm drying up. Stay tuned, I know I'm bad but if you stick with me I might pull through.
Italy= As the Nirvana sailed around Europe on a Magical Wind
'I don't like these foods' Andreas said poking the baked dough crescent filled with full tomatoes, herbs and meats. 'Its not imaginative, if they puréed the tomatoes and sliced the herbs at least...'
'Stop complaining!' snapped Sapphire as the carriage rumbled through Rome towards the city centre. 'The Hellbiter is in reach!'
'Yay' Andreas yawned. 'And Bella gets to try and stick her hand down my trousers again. Does she have to run her hands up and down the small of my back? I know my leather shirt stops at my shoulder blades so she doesn't need to point it out!'
'Be pleased my daughter takes an interest in your body boy' Sapphire said. 'Who else could ever love a wretched half-breed like you! ? Your impure blood repels demons and humans alike!'
'Never heard the women complain' Andreas muttered.
'They didn't know what a vile spawn you were. No wonder your mother abandoned you!' Sapphire sneered at the young man. He said nothing as he pulled the leather mask on and wrapped his dark green sash around it. The garb of an assassin.
'Does the newt have to stick his head out the window? He's scaring the locals and getting drool on the finish...hey head in, tongue in eyes open! Don't make me get the newspaper' Andreas snapped.
He hated being like this with the one time human. But the being had lost all human civility. Now it tore into its meals.
'Eat your pazzi' Sapphire said firmly, referring to the thing in his hands. 'A Pazzi is good for the growing assassin'
'Since when have you cared?' sighed Andreas.
'Eat'
ON THE NIRVANA== in Maxi's cabin
'I should by Ivy nice flowers' Maxi said as Kilik nestled his head in the pirate's arms. 'Or a new thong...yeah a new thong for Ivy...'
Kilik said nothing as he stared at his staff in the corner. 'Maxi...do you love me?'
Maxi choked on the breath he'd inhaled through his nose. 'Sorry? When we got together it was because neither of us wanted emotions or crap like that clouding our judgement. I mean we'd never even been with anyone else...like...before...even me... you want eggs?'
Kilik bit his lip. 'Answer my question'
'No'
'Good, just checking'
'You?'
'Nah, you're just comfort'
'I feel special.'
'So do I' Kilik said. 'I'm just something to occupy you on the trips. It's not like we do much in the line of the heavy stuff...we're just...platonic bed partners.' He sat up and Maxi swung his legs out of bed.
'Get some rest' Maxi said. 'I'll call you when Ivy's wind gets us to Italy.'
'Okay' Killik nodded. He lay back on the wide ornate bed. 'See you later... and remember what'll happen if you make a pass at Eloise'
Maxi pulled on his trousers, lacing the fronts up and blew a kiss to Kililk. The younger boy swatted the imaginary lips and winked at his friend.
The pirates outside were wearing makeshift clothes. Eloise was sitting at a table as they lined up to buy back their clothes. Raphael and Siegfried stood on either side much to Eloise's apparent chagrin. Ivy was steering the ship dressed in a pair of dark red leather pants, a dark red leather bodice and dark red leather gloves. The sides of the pants were laced up tightly with ribbon; otherwise they would have fallen off... if only enough wish power made things happen...because that was on the minds of every male, even Siegfried...the golden haired puritan was blushing furiously. The sales were full of a strong wind conjured by Ivy.
'Avast! Fair's she well?' Maxi asked. Ivy looked at him for a moment.
'Oh! The boat! Yes we're going to reach Italy by tomorrow morning. And there won't be anymore toilet breaks! You boys should have gone before we left!' The pirates hung their heads.
It's a common belief that pirates lead unsanitary and low down rotten lives... okay so its partially true. But they don't use the ocean as a giant chamber pot. That's a really good way to get "helpful dolphins who lead lost sailors home" to become "helpful dolphins that lead lost sailors to sharp rocks and make static laughs as the sharks chomp on the survivors".
Maxi raised his telescope to one eye. 'I could be on that nice little Island Maxinirvanacrew if it weren't for Ivy and her damn potions.'
'Arrrr! A woman aboard the boat be bad luck...and there be two of them' the oldest and most superstitious pirate said. Hobbling forwards on his twin peg legs. That was Patch...ironically he hadn't got an eye patch. Not even a bald one.
'Patch' Ivy called. The elderly man looked up, and watched; as Ivy raised her red leather covered leg and tugged the trouser leg up past her ankle. Patch keeled over from a heart attack. 'Any other troubles with women on board?'
No one spoke up. Maxi surveyed the sea and smiled. 'Avast! There be a ship to the Port side!' All pirates looked in the opposite direction. 'Other way!' he groaned.
'A crew who can't tell which side is which, great' sighed Eloise. She handed the last of the clothes back and counted up the money. 'I'll need a bigger brazier' she said.
A pirate opened his mouth to say something and found a blade at his throat. Raphael frowned. 'You wanted to say something?'
'Nope' the pirate squeaked as he soiled himself.
'Let's raid it!' Maxi exclaimed.
'No' Ivy said. 'We have to get to Rome, and traffic on the Tiber is tragic...how much oil can a gumboil boil if a gumboil could boil oil. Damn, finishing school rubs off on a girl...'
Maxi pouted. 'Please! Please Ivy! Can we please, please, please, please, please, please raid the ship?'
Ivy frowned. 'No!'
'Yes, we have to get to Italy' Raphael said firmly.
'Shut up ponce boy!' Maxi snapped.
'Blow it out your ear you rent boy!' Raphael snipped.
'You'd know all about that Raphael. What with your desperation...'
'At least I have good hair!'
Maxi's jaw dropped. 'My hair is prettier! Way prettier! Yours is puffy and flat! Go get a conditioner!'
Raphael and Maxi broke into the argument until Valentine cracked like thunder. Ivy frowned at the pair. 'Hush up or I'll turn this boat around!' she warned. 'Now say you're sorry and we'll stop to consider raiding the boat...'
Maxi kicked the boards and mumbled a sorry as Raphael gave a loud harrumph and crossed his arms win a pout. Ivy cracked her whip across his backside and he yelped a quick sorry. Ivy sighed. 'All right, we'll have a five minute stop and raid the boat then we get back on the road...'
Maxi leapt up beside her. 'Can I drive?'
'You're the captain' Ivy sighed as she marched off, the sharp heels clicking as she moved. She looked to Eloise and nodded her head to the top of the boat, shaped like a siren. The pair stood looking over the waters.
'Have you seen the part of the Hellbiter?' Ivy asked.
'The necklace showed it to me last night...its in a large room where the cult are searching, with many other weapons. They're Sapphires Cult, the Sijiou Clan. The four other pieces scattered across Europe. I know they are in Spain, France and Italy...but the forth eludes me.'
Ivy nodded. 'Raphael worries...that you will hurt yourself...'
'I'm a big girl' Eloise said. 'I can handle myself.'
'I saw' Ivy nodded. 'He's a good man, but not very big on the female empowerment of this world. A bit foolish, after all behind every great man...'
There was a silence. 'Were you planning on finishing that sentence?' asked Eloise. 'Or was it one of those drift-offs?'
'A drift off' confirmed Ivy. 'Ah, one of his majesty of Portugal's boats. King Dudley will be mightily peeved.' She strode along to line up with the pirates along the side of the boat as Maxi signalled to Siegfried to pull the heavy old leaver near the wheel. Normally it would have taken three men to force it down. But Sigmund simply took it in one hand and pulled down. It clunked and the spike tipped cables shot from the side of the boat. They latched into the ornate sides of the Portuguese vessel and held it too close for the cannons to fire.
'Why didn't they fire on us?' Raphael asked.
'Well we were magically fast and agile in the water' Maxi said. 'Plus I dazzled them with the large mirror in the sirens hands'
'Clever' Siegfried smiled. 'Very clever way to blind an enemy, place a mirror on the front of the ship!'
'Not really' Kilik said. 'I put it there because he was in love with his reflection'
'Snide remark' Maxi said. 'Should I care? It worked out all right. I can blind my foes, you got your brains bonked out'
'Too much information' Raphael said.
'We're not in love' Kilik said. 'We're just bed buddies...I'll just shut up'. Everyone nodded.
The line of musketeers and nobles with swords prepared for a fight. Ivy smirked and tossed the small pouch into the air. The plume of purple smoke blinded their foes as they swung across.
'Eloise! Where do you think you're going! ?' Raphael snapped.
Eloise looked at the rope in her hand and the boat across from herself. 'The croquet pitch?' she shrugged before swinging away in her leather bodice and trousers, red sash flying.
Raphael gave a growl and swung after her.
Ivy saw the trio of noble men striding forth. She looked at Valentine. 'Good idea' she said. She raised her trouser leg; the sight of her ankles caused a nobleman to faint. She leaned forwards a little and the sight of her cleavage rendered another unconscious. The sturdiest moved slowly forwards. She sighed, turned around and bent over to pick up a penny. The man smiled and collapsed. 'Well, that was easy' she said as she countered a blade from a soldier and kicked him over the side of the boat.
Raphael moved swiftly, hand on his hip blade swishing quickly. He pressed it to the throat of one man, and then swept in with rapid stabs that pierced the man's body. He pivoted and caught the three blades on his own. 'All for one and one for all' he grinned. 'Catch your moustaches before they fall!' he swiped out and shaved the facial hair from the men. They yelped and rushed away as he moved swiftly back and forth stopping as a man rushed at him, taking a step backwards and slitting open the mans stomach, allowing him to crash over the side of the boat.
Kilik caught the first man on his staff, the tip of the Kali-Yuga in his gut before he was raised up on it and slammed onto another man. 'I'm rather happy with how this is going' he said as he vaulted his legs into a soldier's chest and swung upwards, balancing on the vertical pole. He swept down and slammed onto the two men. He rolled along the ground, slamming his staff onto a few luckless men. He curled into a crouch and spun, his staff slicing the legs from under the men surrounding him. He rose and dusted his short yellow jacket off. 'Yeah, this is good for me'.
Maxi whirled like a hurricane. His weapon was obscured in a blitz of movement. His flip kicks sent soldiers wheeling back as he smashed his nanchuka into the skull of a noble. The powdered wigs were not sturdy headgear. 'Hah! Hair like that deserves a good pummelling!' he exclaimed. He tossed his long quiff off his face and pivoted slamming a soldier in the side of the head and off the boat as he spun his nanchuka on his foot in a handstand, the hapless man before him crashed backwards. 'Next up?'
Siegfried looked at the men pummelling his armoured torso with their fists. 'Was there a purpose to this?' he asked. They'd been easy to disarm, but like annoying flies wouldn't leave him alone. He picked open up by the scruff of the neck and tossed him over the shoulder. Years of muscle and sturdy armour protected him from injury. He placed a hand on the head of another man, his arm length keeping the man away. He wasn't that much taller, but when someone wants to believe something for the sake of their egos they usually let themselves believe it. He yawned and field-goal- kicked the man across the deck. The line of swordsmen lined up for a charge, their rapiers held firmly. Siegfried closed his eyes in meditation and pulled his huge blade from across his back. When he opened his eyes the men were gone and distant splashes could be heard (as they threw themselves off the boat).
Eloise held the twin rapiers in her hands as the men circled her smirking. 'I amn't male, nor am I as anatomically gifted as Ivy...well its only a teeny difference but still I have black lace over my...look can we get to the attack?' she asked. The first man moved at her, she stepped aside and parried his blows, kicking up into his gut and sliding her blade through his side. 'Can we begin?' she sighed. The captain in his large hat stepped forwards. He moved forwards, slashing the air with a look of smug superiority on his face. Eloise looked at the other soldiers as they backed off to cheer and smiled. She slid her other blade into a sheath.
The captain lunged, she slapped the blade down and back flipped kicking him in the face firmly. He stumbled but lunged again; she struck his blades off to one side as she twisted into a sideways flip and landed to block his frantic swipe. 'By the way, why do you men keep your pain centre outside?' she kicked him in the groin twice. 'Seems illogical to me...' He buckled and Eloise kneed him in the head. He shot upwards with a yelped as she grabbed a hold of him.
She kneed him in the groin (ding-ding), rolled onto his back, twisting into a handstand before launching herself up feet first on her arms, twisting and slamming her feet down on him. He crumpled into a dead pile. She looked at the men. 'This might be bad' she murmured as she realized how many surrounded her. Valentine coiled around the leg of one and swung him into two of his comrades before discarding him like a rag doll. Ivy snapped a leg into the chest of another and swung Valentine into his face. He shot away as she cart wheeled backwards and drop kicked another man with her legs. She twisted and rose and to a flying knee before slashing down. Eloise dispatched two men easily as they lunged at her. She deflected their blades and slashed their guts open. Ivy strolled up, apparently unaware of the man readying himself behind her.
'Are you injured Eloise?' she asked. Eloise shook her head. Ivy turned her body but not her head, pointing her blade at the man. 'Save me some time darling would you or I'll have to trounce you...' The man swallowed as Valentine twisted into a snaking form in the air. And promptly threw himself off the boat.
'There are you satisfied now?' Ivy asked as her wind blew them towards Italy. 'We raided the ship.' Maxi was rolling around in the riches they'd pilfered. 'All right?'
'Yeah' he said with a sigh. Killik had a lopsided wig on his head. 'Hah! You look like a poof'
'Considering what you do together, he is' Raphael said simply. Maxi shrugged and nodded as he rose. 'No on to Italy!' the Frenchman said as Maxi walked to the small doors at the upper deck of the boat and opened the way to the storage room. Eloise climbed out with a sigh, holding various weapons. 'Thanks darling' she said. She tossed her hair again and moved off into her room clutching the various blades. Ivy whistled.
'Italy dead ahead!' she shouted. The pirates cheered and roared. Raphael looked to Ivy. 'Well Lady Isabella we're nearly there...'
Ivy pursed her lips in a sultry way and then smiled. 'And we made good time too...' she winked as they passed the floating sign with an arcane instruction attached to it: "Welcome to Italy home of the Pazzi".
Sapphire looked at her daughter with a cool glance. Bella was running her hands up Andreas's back as he lay on the crimson couch in the mansions upper bedrooms. Sapphire puffed a blue-purple cloud of smoke out and returned her stiletto cigarette holder to her dark red lips. 'And you say they were all dead?'
'Sliced – like – stapa' Bella said gesturing to the large thick plates of creamy white food that were covered in a dollop of sauce on her tea service. They were long and rolled up usually, a mouthful of starchy food. Italian cuisine of the highest quality that one could see being hung outside a kitchen anywhere in the city. 'Such a sweet taste' Bella breathed as she licked at Andreas's lips. He was a little dazed and the chain around his waist was sapping his strength.
'I'll leave you two alone' sighed Sapphire. 'Whatever haunts those caverns...well I will deal with it personally.'
Bella smirked as she leaned down on the struggling Andreas. 'I'm so glad you came' she chuckled darkly.
The Murderer sighed and relaxed in the dark alley. Here that was his name, The Murderer and he made sure to attack only the people he was positive were women. The escapade in England had been a real eye opener to not judge people with long blonde hair as women. He hobbled back into the darkness of the setting sun.
'I told you raiding the ship wouldn't mess up our schedule' Maxi smirked as they paced down the street. Your magic wind got us here before the morning! Long before! It was easy'
Ivy said nothing as she walked along the street. 'We had to row down the Tiber' she said firmly. 'And Siegfried was rowing...ergo we nearly had whiplash thanks too his overly powerful shoulders!' She patted the steel shoulder pads of the tall German beside her.
She stopped at a tavern and pushed the door open. 'This will do' she said. She entered swiftly, the smoky jovial atmosphere home to various sailors on the Tiber River who sailed down it as part of Operation Flow Free by Queen Hilda of Italy. All eye settled on the entrants as they walked to the bartender. 'Rooms' Ivy said. 'Four. If you have them'
The bartender/owner shook his head. 'No rooms'
Ivy shook her head. Raphael stepped forwards. 'Let me try to explain. When a woman says this...' he had opened a small well-studied book from his back pocket and was pressing a finger down just above a line. 'She means this' he drew his finger along to a bolder print on the next page.
The man yelped and covered his groin. 'Four rooms!' he squeaked and hurriedly tossed four keys to them. Ivy smiled and batted her eyelashes before walking up the stairs. She and Eloise took two rooms. 'You boys can share' she said. Eloise smiled as she slammed the door in unison with Ivy's. The two doors clicked with a lock and left the four men outside.
'I'll share with Maxi' Kilik chirped.
'Now we'll never get to sleep' Siegfried grimaced as the pair entered the room and left the blondes outside. He looked to his friend. Raphael just shrugged.
'Just enter the room sideways Siegfried, or you'll get stuck again'
Siegfried paused and nodded as he sidled in.
Eloise zipped across the city, the astral eye humming through the streets on a spirit level none could see. She passed the taverns and along the cobbled streets. 'I must find it...I must seek relentlessly...uuuuuww! Half price off all Italian leather goods!' she sped along the streets. 'Focus Eloise! We must stop --Bolognaise Avenue got it--Sapphire!
She sped through the streets and halted. Andreas was directing two Berserkers into a building with a crate between them. A woman was draped over him trying to unlatch his chest armour. Eloise did her best to ignore that... she sped towards the door and was instantly back in her body.
'How did that happen?' she breathed as she unfolded from lotus position. 'Some sort of magic? Well...that's a given.'
Ivy zipped up her leather cat suit; well she zipped it up to her naval and closed a small belt across her upper body. She picked up Valentine. 'Yes this is a good idea! I can do it myself. I'm just following a hunch!' The blade looked sceptical. Well, as sceptical as a blade could.
Ivy dropped out her window onto a shed roof and leapt over the sidewall into the street. Slowly she rushed along the street, her blade coiled around her waist. A shadow gripped her shoulders and dragged her into an alley. A tongue lapping her neck. 'You taste nice' he rasped. Ivy was leant backwards at an awkward angle but that didn't stop her. She snapped her leg up her body and kicked her assailant in the side of the neck. He stumbled back and lunged again. Ivy caught his arm and spun into his body, she swung her leg straight up her body again and shattered his nose. He shrieked like a girl. Ivy stared as he flailed around.
'Well, you're not that intimidating anymore' she sighed. She snapped Valentine out. 'Go there!' she commanded. Her whip coiled around the man's neck and dragged him to her. 'You may want to start running...' she advised.
The man shrieked and turned to run. 'Watch the---' Ivy tried to warn the man but he fell down the sewer hole anyway. 'Never mind'
'AAAAAA-splash' Ivy listened patiently. 'GAAAAH! Crocod-aaaaaaaahhhhh!'
'So there are crocodiles in the sewers...colour me surprised'
She turned the corner towards the house. Andreas stood there. 'I knew I heard something' he said. Valentine hissed at him. He swept backwards and the blade clinked off his steel and leather gauntlets. He wore the same dark leather outfit that stopped at his shoulder blades. He wasn't wearing his mask; his features flawless in the moonlight, the silver shone on him like an angel.
Ivy spun and cracked her whip. Andreas blocked again and smirked. 'Look behind you he smirked. Valentine sent a warning to its mistress but she didn't turn on time. The staff struck her across the head and rendered her unconscious. Valentine slid to the ground with a faint clink.
Eloise sat up with a jolt in her bed. 'Raphael!' she shouted. Her "uncle" burst in the door. 'What is it?'
'Countess Isabella is in trouble!' Eloise said. 'Serious trouble'
'We mustn't waste a minute!' Raphael exclaimed. He bounded from the room in his small under clothes and open shirt.
'Dear lord he's in love' Eloise sighed as she swung herself out of bed.
The prickling wasn't going. Siegfried could feel the person watching him. He turned around swiftly and looked into the shadows of the alley. He was standing outside waiting for the others. He slammed his hand into the darkness. A shape dodged him and in a flourish of a cloak they were gone a perfume hung in the air.
'Who was that?' he wondered.
She'd seen him...first step complete, she knew who he was and now she had to get back to work and report to the Baron through her carrier pigeons. P- mail was reliable.
Raphael and the others hurried along the street. Eloise guided them her long black and red cloak flowing behind her. 'We must go here' she said. She pointed at the large house. 'In there!'
'Beware the Frogs?' Maxi read incredulously from the gatepost. 'Don't they mean dogs?'
Eloise took a step back. 'Frogs, trust me! Frogs!'
The two frogmen skipped forwards. Their bulging eyes locking on the targets near the gates. The tongue lashed out at Eloise. She flipped to one side and landed on one knee. 'Naughty boy' she sniffed.
Raphael twisted aside and landed a slash on the tongue. The frog croaked angrily as Raphael pointed at the walls to the others. They nodded as he danced aside from the tongues lashing through the bars of the gate.
Kilik vaulted his body up and landed his body on the wall by stretching it from the very tip of his staff. Maxi looked at Raphael as the Frenchman pirouetted and performed a graceful ballet leap away from a long pink tongue. Maxi looked to Eloise. 'Mademoiselle?'
'No thank you' she said as she took a few steps back, turned around and began to back flip. She flipped straight up the wall and somersaulted onto the wide stone roof.
'How will we deal with the frog men?' asked Siegfried.
'I have an idea!' chirped Eloise. Siegfried was looking down at the frogs when Eloise's boot connected with his backside and flung him off the wall into a flip as he landed on his back on top of the frog men. Maxi was at the base of the wall. He stretched the chain of his nanchukas and Raphael took a run, using the chain as a springing foothold the French swordsman shot up and over the wall. Kilik dropped down after giving the end of his staff to maxi to pull the pirate up.
They landed. 'You stepped on the masters begonias' a squeaky woman's voice chirped. The group of heroes turned to look, but the cloud of pink-purple vapour engulfed them...spinning their minds, distorting their vision...ending this chapter on a minor cliffhanger.
Will Eloise be eliminated? Will Maxi be Murdered? Killik Killed? Siegfried Slaughtered? Raphael Removed? Ivy Incapacitated? And what of the women? The romance for Siegfried? Same time tomorrow Night! Same Soul Calibur time, same Soul Calibur Channel! Now with added ankle bearing!
Evil Me: Roll the credits
Eloise: They're stuck...
Ivy: Siegfried! Pin the flash cards to your back and I'll let you lick honey off my stomach
Siegfried: (blushes) aren't you with Raphael.
Ivy: I have two words for you. Finishing school.
Everyone: OOHH! WE GET IT
Evil Me: I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew.
A/N2: Next chapter will be more like the previous ones. By the way what do you think of the Relationships and OC's? Feedback makes me not kill my therapist (I'm on my 29th and he's only been in the ICU once in four months! Yay me! ^_^ Just kidding...maybe...)
L'il Miss Moira: Hmm still alive? Curses you're resourceful! My Kung fu troops go the addresses wrong again! Seriously, I can't wait to read a Siggy fic. He's actually a cool character (but I'm a stickler for those with evil sides) and I am positive you'll do a good job. Ciao Bella.
Jia-DarkHole-Sun: Talim is a cool character and she's getting a main role next up and a little romance too! Serious! Just guess who it is!
A/N: I have news! Kilik and Maxi's relationship will be examined. Well the fact they don't really have one. Also my comedy in this is a little rushed. I need some inspiration here as I'm drying up. Stay tuned, I know I'm bad but if you stick with me I might pull through.
Italy= As the Nirvana sailed around Europe on a Magical Wind
'I don't like these foods' Andreas said poking the baked dough crescent filled with full tomatoes, herbs and meats. 'Its not imaginative, if they puréed the tomatoes and sliced the herbs at least...'
'Stop complaining!' snapped Sapphire as the carriage rumbled through Rome towards the city centre. 'The Hellbiter is in reach!'
'Yay' Andreas yawned. 'And Bella gets to try and stick her hand down my trousers again. Does she have to run her hands up and down the small of my back? I know my leather shirt stops at my shoulder blades so she doesn't need to point it out!'
'Be pleased my daughter takes an interest in your body boy' Sapphire said. 'Who else could ever love a wretched half-breed like you! ? Your impure blood repels demons and humans alike!'
'Never heard the women complain' Andreas muttered.
'They didn't know what a vile spawn you were. No wonder your mother abandoned you!' Sapphire sneered at the young man. He said nothing as he pulled the leather mask on and wrapped his dark green sash around it. The garb of an assassin.
'Does the newt have to stick his head out the window? He's scaring the locals and getting drool on the finish...hey head in, tongue in eyes open! Don't make me get the newspaper' Andreas snapped.
He hated being like this with the one time human. But the being had lost all human civility. Now it tore into its meals.
'Eat your pazzi' Sapphire said firmly, referring to the thing in his hands. 'A Pazzi is good for the growing assassin'
'Since when have you cared?' sighed Andreas.
'Eat'
ON THE NIRVANA== in Maxi's cabin
'I should by Ivy nice flowers' Maxi said as Kilik nestled his head in the pirate's arms. 'Or a new thong...yeah a new thong for Ivy...'
Kilik said nothing as he stared at his staff in the corner. 'Maxi...do you love me?'
Maxi choked on the breath he'd inhaled through his nose. 'Sorry? When we got together it was because neither of us wanted emotions or crap like that clouding our judgement. I mean we'd never even been with anyone else...like...before...even me... you want eggs?'
Kilik bit his lip. 'Answer my question'
'No'
'Good, just checking'
'You?'
'Nah, you're just comfort'
'I feel special.'
'So do I' Kilik said. 'I'm just something to occupy you on the trips. It's not like we do much in the line of the heavy stuff...we're just...platonic bed partners.' He sat up and Maxi swung his legs out of bed.
'Get some rest' Maxi said. 'I'll call you when Ivy's wind gets us to Italy.'
'Okay' Killik nodded. He lay back on the wide ornate bed. 'See you later... and remember what'll happen if you make a pass at Eloise'
Maxi pulled on his trousers, lacing the fronts up and blew a kiss to Kililk. The younger boy swatted the imaginary lips and winked at his friend.
The pirates outside were wearing makeshift clothes. Eloise was sitting at a table as they lined up to buy back their clothes. Raphael and Siegfried stood on either side much to Eloise's apparent chagrin. Ivy was steering the ship dressed in a pair of dark red leather pants, a dark red leather bodice and dark red leather gloves. The sides of the pants were laced up tightly with ribbon; otherwise they would have fallen off... if only enough wish power made things happen...because that was on the minds of every male, even Siegfried...the golden haired puritan was blushing furiously. The sales were full of a strong wind conjured by Ivy.
'Avast! Fair's she well?' Maxi asked. Ivy looked at him for a moment.
'Oh! The boat! Yes we're going to reach Italy by tomorrow morning. And there won't be anymore toilet breaks! You boys should have gone before we left!' The pirates hung their heads.
It's a common belief that pirates lead unsanitary and low down rotten lives... okay so its partially true. But they don't use the ocean as a giant chamber pot. That's a really good way to get "helpful dolphins who lead lost sailors home" to become "helpful dolphins that lead lost sailors to sharp rocks and make static laughs as the sharks chomp on the survivors".
Maxi raised his telescope to one eye. 'I could be on that nice little Island Maxinirvanacrew if it weren't for Ivy and her damn potions.'
'Arrrr! A woman aboard the boat be bad luck...and there be two of them' the oldest and most superstitious pirate said. Hobbling forwards on his twin peg legs. That was Patch...ironically he hadn't got an eye patch. Not even a bald one.
'Patch' Ivy called. The elderly man looked up, and watched; as Ivy raised her red leather covered leg and tugged the trouser leg up past her ankle. Patch keeled over from a heart attack. 'Any other troubles with women on board?'
No one spoke up. Maxi surveyed the sea and smiled. 'Avast! There be a ship to the Port side!' All pirates looked in the opposite direction. 'Other way!' he groaned.
'A crew who can't tell which side is which, great' sighed Eloise. She handed the last of the clothes back and counted up the money. 'I'll need a bigger brazier' she said.
A pirate opened his mouth to say something and found a blade at his throat. Raphael frowned. 'You wanted to say something?'
'Nope' the pirate squeaked as he soiled himself.
'Let's raid it!' Maxi exclaimed.
'No' Ivy said. 'We have to get to Rome, and traffic on the Tiber is tragic...how much oil can a gumboil boil if a gumboil could boil oil. Damn, finishing school rubs off on a girl...'
Maxi pouted. 'Please! Please Ivy! Can we please, please, please, please, please, please raid the ship?'
Ivy frowned. 'No!'
'Yes, we have to get to Italy' Raphael said firmly.
'Shut up ponce boy!' Maxi snapped.
'Blow it out your ear you rent boy!' Raphael snipped.
'You'd know all about that Raphael. What with your desperation...'
'At least I have good hair!'
Maxi's jaw dropped. 'My hair is prettier! Way prettier! Yours is puffy and flat! Go get a conditioner!'
Raphael and Maxi broke into the argument until Valentine cracked like thunder. Ivy frowned at the pair. 'Hush up or I'll turn this boat around!' she warned. 'Now say you're sorry and we'll stop to consider raiding the boat...'
Maxi kicked the boards and mumbled a sorry as Raphael gave a loud harrumph and crossed his arms win a pout. Ivy cracked her whip across his backside and he yelped a quick sorry. Ivy sighed. 'All right, we'll have a five minute stop and raid the boat then we get back on the road...'
Maxi leapt up beside her. 'Can I drive?'
'You're the captain' Ivy sighed as she marched off, the sharp heels clicking as she moved. She looked to Eloise and nodded her head to the top of the boat, shaped like a siren. The pair stood looking over the waters.
'Have you seen the part of the Hellbiter?' Ivy asked.
'The necklace showed it to me last night...its in a large room where the cult are searching, with many other weapons. They're Sapphires Cult, the Sijiou Clan. The four other pieces scattered across Europe. I know they are in Spain, France and Italy...but the forth eludes me.'
Ivy nodded. 'Raphael worries...that you will hurt yourself...'
'I'm a big girl' Eloise said. 'I can handle myself.'
'I saw' Ivy nodded. 'He's a good man, but not very big on the female empowerment of this world. A bit foolish, after all behind every great man...'
There was a silence. 'Were you planning on finishing that sentence?' asked Eloise. 'Or was it one of those drift-offs?'
'A drift off' confirmed Ivy. 'Ah, one of his majesty of Portugal's boats. King Dudley will be mightily peeved.' She strode along to line up with the pirates along the side of the boat as Maxi signalled to Siegfried to pull the heavy old leaver near the wheel. Normally it would have taken three men to force it down. But Sigmund simply took it in one hand and pulled down. It clunked and the spike tipped cables shot from the side of the boat. They latched into the ornate sides of the Portuguese vessel and held it too close for the cannons to fire.
'Why didn't they fire on us?' Raphael asked.
'Well we were magically fast and agile in the water' Maxi said. 'Plus I dazzled them with the large mirror in the sirens hands'
'Clever' Siegfried smiled. 'Very clever way to blind an enemy, place a mirror on the front of the ship!'
'Not really' Kilik said. 'I put it there because he was in love with his reflection'
'Snide remark' Maxi said. 'Should I care? It worked out all right. I can blind my foes, you got your brains bonked out'
'Too much information' Raphael said.
'We're not in love' Kilik said. 'We're just bed buddies...I'll just shut up'. Everyone nodded.
The line of musketeers and nobles with swords prepared for a fight. Ivy smirked and tossed the small pouch into the air. The plume of purple smoke blinded their foes as they swung across.
'Eloise! Where do you think you're going! ?' Raphael snapped.
Eloise looked at the rope in her hand and the boat across from herself. 'The croquet pitch?' she shrugged before swinging away in her leather bodice and trousers, red sash flying.
Raphael gave a growl and swung after her.
Ivy saw the trio of noble men striding forth. She looked at Valentine. 'Good idea' she said. She raised her trouser leg; the sight of her ankles caused a nobleman to faint. She leaned forwards a little and the sight of her cleavage rendered another unconscious. The sturdiest moved slowly forwards. She sighed, turned around and bent over to pick up a penny. The man smiled and collapsed. 'Well, that was easy' she said as she countered a blade from a soldier and kicked him over the side of the boat.
Raphael moved swiftly, hand on his hip blade swishing quickly. He pressed it to the throat of one man, and then swept in with rapid stabs that pierced the man's body. He pivoted and caught the three blades on his own. 'All for one and one for all' he grinned. 'Catch your moustaches before they fall!' he swiped out and shaved the facial hair from the men. They yelped and rushed away as he moved swiftly back and forth stopping as a man rushed at him, taking a step backwards and slitting open the mans stomach, allowing him to crash over the side of the boat.
Kilik caught the first man on his staff, the tip of the Kali-Yuga in his gut before he was raised up on it and slammed onto another man. 'I'm rather happy with how this is going' he said as he vaulted his legs into a soldier's chest and swung upwards, balancing on the vertical pole. He swept down and slammed onto the two men. He rolled along the ground, slamming his staff onto a few luckless men. He curled into a crouch and spun, his staff slicing the legs from under the men surrounding him. He rose and dusted his short yellow jacket off. 'Yeah, this is good for me'.
Maxi whirled like a hurricane. His weapon was obscured in a blitz of movement. His flip kicks sent soldiers wheeling back as he smashed his nanchuka into the skull of a noble. The powdered wigs were not sturdy headgear. 'Hah! Hair like that deserves a good pummelling!' he exclaimed. He tossed his long quiff off his face and pivoted slamming a soldier in the side of the head and off the boat as he spun his nanchuka on his foot in a handstand, the hapless man before him crashed backwards. 'Next up?'
Siegfried looked at the men pummelling his armoured torso with their fists. 'Was there a purpose to this?' he asked. They'd been easy to disarm, but like annoying flies wouldn't leave him alone. He picked open up by the scruff of the neck and tossed him over the shoulder. Years of muscle and sturdy armour protected him from injury. He placed a hand on the head of another man, his arm length keeping the man away. He wasn't that much taller, but when someone wants to believe something for the sake of their egos they usually let themselves believe it. He yawned and field-goal- kicked the man across the deck. The line of swordsmen lined up for a charge, their rapiers held firmly. Siegfried closed his eyes in meditation and pulled his huge blade from across his back. When he opened his eyes the men were gone and distant splashes could be heard (as they threw themselves off the boat).
Eloise held the twin rapiers in her hands as the men circled her smirking. 'I amn't male, nor am I as anatomically gifted as Ivy...well its only a teeny difference but still I have black lace over my...look can we get to the attack?' she asked. The first man moved at her, she stepped aside and parried his blows, kicking up into his gut and sliding her blade through his side. 'Can we begin?' she sighed. The captain in his large hat stepped forwards. He moved forwards, slashing the air with a look of smug superiority on his face. Eloise looked at the other soldiers as they backed off to cheer and smiled. She slid her other blade into a sheath.
The captain lunged, she slapped the blade down and back flipped kicking him in the face firmly. He stumbled but lunged again; she struck his blades off to one side as she twisted into a sideways flip and landed to block his frantic swipe. 'By the way, why do you men keep your pain centre outside?' she kicked him in the groin twice. 'Seems illogical to me...' He buckled and Eloise kneed him in the head. He shot upwards with a yelped as she grabbed a hold of him.
She kneed him in the groin (ding-ding), rolled onto his back, twisting into a handstand before launching herself up feet first on her arms, twisting and slamming her feet down on him. He crumpled into a dead pile. She looked at the men. 'This might be bad' she murmured as she realized how many surrounded her. Valentine coiled around the leg of one and swung him into two of his comrades before discarding him like a rag doll. Ivy snapped a leg into the chest of another and swung Valentine into his face. He shot away as she cart wheeled backwards and drop kicked another man with her legs. She twisted and rose and to a flying knee before slashing down. Eloise dispatched two men easily as they lunged at her. She deflected their blades and slashed their guts open. Ivy strolled up, apparently unaware of the man readying himself behind her.
'Are you injured Eloise?' she asked. Eloise shook her head. Ivy turned her body but not her head, pointing her blade at the man. 'Save me some time darling would you or I'll have to trounce you...' The man swallowed as Valentine twisted into a snaking form in the air. And promptly threw himself off the boat.
'There are you satisfied now?' Ivy asked as her wind blew them towards Italy. 'We raided the ship.' Maxi was rolling around in the riches they'd pilfered. 'All right?'
'Yeah' he said with a sigh. Killik had a lopsided wig on his head. 'Hah! You look like a poof'
'Considering what you do together, he is' Raphael said simply. Maxi shrugged and nodded as he rose. 'No on to Italy!' the Frenchman said as Maxi walked to the small doors at the upper deck of the boat and opened the way to the storage room. Eloise climbed out with a sigh, holding various weapons. 'Thanks darling' she said. She tossed her hair again and moved off into her room clutching the various blades. Ivy whistled.
'Italy dead ahead!' she shouted. The pirates cheered and roared. Raphael looked to Ivy. 'Well Lady Isabella we're nearly there...'
Ivy pursed her lips in a sultry way and then smiled. 'And we made good time too...' she winked as they passed the floating sign with an arcane instruction attached to it: "Welcome to Italy home of the Pazzi".
Sapphire looked at her daughter with a cool glance. Bella was running her hands up Andreas's back as he lay on the crimson couch in the mansions upper bedrooms. Sapphire puffed a blue-purple cloud of smoke out and returned her stiletto cigarette holder to her dark red lips. 'And you say they were all dead?'
'Sliced – like – stapa' Bella said gesturing to the large thick plates of creamy white food that were covered in a dollop of sauce on her tea service. They were long and rolled up usually, a mouthful of starchy food. Italian cuisine of the highest quality that one could see being hung outside a kitchen anywhere in the city. 'Such a sweet taste' Bella breathed as she licked at Andreas's lips. He was a little dazed and the chain around his waist was sapping his strength.
'I'll leave you two alone' sighed Sapphire. 'Whatever haunts those caverns...well I will deal with it personally.'
Bella smirked as she leaned down on the struggling Andreas. 'I'm so glad you came' she chuckled darkly.
The Murderer sighed and relaxed in the dark alley. Here that was his name, The Murderer and he made sure to attack only the people he was positive were women. The escapade in England had been a real eye opener to not judge people with long blonde hair as women. He hobbled back into the darkness of the setting sun.
'I told you raiding the ship wouldn't mess up our schedule' Maxi smirked as they paced down the street. Your magic wind got us here before the morning! Long before! It was easy'
Ivy said nothing as she walked along the street. 'We had to row down the Tiber' she said firmly. 'And Siegfried was rowing...ergo we nearly had whiplash thanks too his overly powerful shoulders!' She patted the steel shoulder pads of the tall German beside her.
She stopped at a tavern and pushed the door open. 'This will do' she said. She entered swiftly, the smoky jovial atmosphere home to various sailors on the Tiber River who sailed down it as part of Operation Flow Free by Queen Hilda of Italy. All eye settled on the entrants as they walked to the bartender. 'Rooms' Ivy said. 'Four. If you have them'
The bartender/owner shook his head. 'No rooms'
Ivy shook her head. Raphael stepped forwards. 'Let me try to explain. When a woman says this...' he had opened a small well-studied book from his back pocket and was pressing a finger down just above a line. 'She means this' he drew his finger along to a bolder print on the next page.
The man yelped and covered his groin. 'Four rooms!' he squeaked and hurriedly tossed four keys to them. Ivy smiled and batted her eyelashes before walking up the stairs. She and Eloise took two rooms. 'You boys can share' she said. Eloise smiled as she slammed the door in unison with Ivy's. The two doors clicked with a lock and left the four men outside.
'I'll share with Maxi' Kilik chirped.
'Now we'll never get to sleep' Siegfried grimaced as the pair entered the room and left the blondes outside. He looked to his friend. Raphael just shrugged.
'Just enter the room sideways Siegfried, or you'll get stuck again'
Siegfried paused and nodded as he sidled in.
Eloise zipped across the city, the astral eye humming through the streets on a spirit level none could see. She passed the taverns and along the cobbled streets. 'I must find it...I must seek relentlessly...uuuuuww! Half price off all Italian leather goods!' she sped along the streets. 'Focus Eloise! We must stop --Bolognaise Avenue got it--Sapphire!
She sped through the streets and halted. Andreas was directing two Berserkers into a building with a crate between them. A woman was draped over him trying to unlatch his chest armour. Eloise did her best to ignore that... she sped towards the door and was instantly back in her body.
'How did that happen?' she breathed as she unfolded from lotus position. 'Some sort of magic? Well...that's a given.'
Ivy zipped up her leather cat suit; well she zipped it up to her naval and closed a small belt across her upper body. She picked up Valentine. 'Yes this is a good idea! I can do it myself. I'm just following a hunch!' The blade looked sceptical. Well, as sceptical as a blade could.
Ivy dropped out her window onto a shed roof and leapt over the sidewall into the street. Slowly she rushed along the street, her blade coiled around her waist. A shadow gripped her shoulders and dragged her into an alley. A tongue lapping her neck. 'You taste nice' he rasped. Ivy was leant backwards at an awkward angle but that didn't stop her. She snapped her leg up her body and kicked her assailant in the side of the neck. He stumbled back and lunged again. Ivy caught his arm and spun into his body, she swung her leg straight up her body again and shattered his nose. He shrieked like a girl. Ivy stared as he flailed around.
'Well, you're not that intimidating anymore' she sighed. She snapped Valentine out. 'Go there!' she commanded. Her whip coiled around the man's neck and dragged him to her. 'You may want to start running...' she advised.
The man shrieked and turned to run. 'Watch the---' Ivy tried to warn the man but he fell down the sewer hole anyway. 'Never mind'
'AAAAAA-splash' Ivy listened patiently. 'GAAAAH! Crocod-aaaaaaaahhhhh!'
'So there are crocodiles in the sewers...colour me surprised'
She turned the corner towards the house. Andreas stood there. 'I knew I heard something' he said. Valentine hissed at him. He swept backwards and the blade clinked off his steel and leather gauntlets. He wore the same dark leather outfit that stopped at his shoulder blades. He wasn't wearing his mask; his features flawless in the moonlight, the silver shone on him like an angel.
Ivy spun and cracked her whip. Andreas blocked again and smirked. 'Look behind you he smirked. Valentine sent a warning to its mistress but she didn't turn on time. The staff struck her across the head and rendered her unconscious. Valentine slid to the ground with a faint clink.
Eloise sat up with a jolt in her bed. 'Raphael!' she shouted. Her "uncle" burst in the door. 'What is it?'
'Countess Isabella is in trouble!' Eloise said. 'Serious trouble'
'We mustn't waste a minute!' Raphael exclaimed. He bounded from the room in his small under clothes and open shirt.
'Dear lord he's in love' Eloise sighed as she swung herself out of bed.
The prickling wasn't going. Siegfried could feel the person watching him. He turned around swiftly and looked into the shadows of the alley. He was standing outside waiting for the others. He slammed his hand into the darkness. A shape dodged him and in a flourish of a cloak they were gone a perfume hung in the air.
'Who was that?' he wondered.
She'd seen him...first step complete, she knew who he was and now she had to get back to work and report to the Baron through her carrier pigeons. P- mail was reliable.
Raphael and the others hurried along the street. Eloise guided them her long black and red cloak flowing behind her. 'We must go here' she said. She pointed at the large house. 'In there!'
'Beware the Frogs?' Maxi read incredulously from the gatepost. 'Don't they mean dogs?'
Eloise took a step back. 'Frogs, trust me! Frogs!'
The two frogmen skipped forwards. Their bulging eyes locking on the targets near the gates. The tongue lashed out at Eloise. She flipped to one side and landed on one knee. 'Naughty boy' she sniffed.
Raphael twisted aside and landed a slash on the tongue. The frog croaked angrily as Raphael pointed at the walls to the others. They nodded as he danced aside from the tongues lashing through the bars of the gate.
Kilik vaulted his body up and landed his body on the wall by stretching it from the very tip of his staff. Maxi looked at Raphael as the Frenchman pirouetted and performed a graceful ballet leap away from a long pink tongue. Maxi looked to Eloise. 'Mademoiselle?'
'No thank you' she said as she took a few steps back, turned around and began to back flip. She flipped straight up the wall and somersaulted onto the wide stone roof.
'How will we deal with the frog men?' asked Siegfried.
'I have an idea!' chirped Eloise. Siegfried was looking down at the frogs when Eloise's boot connected with his backside and flung him off the wall into a flip as he landed on his back on top of the frog men. Maxi was at the base of the wall. He stretched the chain of his nanchukas and Raphael took a run, using the chain as a springing foothold the French swordsman shot up and over the wall. Kilik dropped down after giving the end of his staff to maxi to pull the pirate up.
They landed. 'You stepped on the masters begonias' a squeaky woman's voice chirped. The group of heroes turned to look, but the cloud of pink-purple vapour engulfed them...spinning their minds, distorting their vision...ending this chapter on a minor cliffhanger.
Will Eloise be eliminated? Will Maxi be Murdered? Killik Killed? Siegfried Slaughtered? Raphael Removed? Ivy Incapacitated? And what of the women? The romance for Siegfried? Same time tomorrow Night! Same Soul Calibur time, same Soul Calibur Channel! Now with added ankle bearing!
Evil Me: Roll the credits
Eloise: They're stuck...
Ivy: Siegfried! Pin the flash cards to your back and I'll let you lick honey off my stomach
Siegfried: (blushes) aren't you with Raphael.
Ivy: I have two words for you. Finishing school.
Everyone: OOHH! WE GET IT
Evil Me: I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew.
A/N2: Next chapter will be more like the previous ones. By the way what do you think of the Relationships and OC's? Feedback makes me not kill my therapist (I'm on my 29th and he's only been in the ICU once in four months! Yay me! ^_^ Just kidding...maybe...)