A TWIST OF FATE
Chapter Four
Not too many hours later, the limo drove up the Xavier Mansion's circular driveway. The limo stopped near the entrance where Kurt and Gambit where waiting, standing on the steps.
Rouge was the first to get out of the limo, followed by Kitty and than Jean.
"Hey Chere' miss me so much ya just had ta come back and see me." Gambit joked tossing a deck of cards in his left hand.
"Yeah right, Ah'd rather step foot in hell." She replied coolly.
"Aw, Come on Rogue lightin up would you!" Kitty exclaimed, the two obviously still at odds from their earlier conversation.
"Yeah C'mon chere, maybe a little later you and I can head ta your room and play a little poker. Strip poker."
"In your dreams Swamp Rat."
Remy's eyes danced. "You bet darlin'."
Remy smirked and Rouge shot him a disgusted glared. "Ugh! That's just gross! You're such a pervert you demented rat!" She said shaking her head.
Ignoring Remy and Rogue's conversation Kitty ran out to hug Kurt. "Oh like this is so exciting! I'm so glad we're here!"
"Yeah like Ve are going to boogie all night." Kurt said dancing around in a circular motion.
Jean came up the concrete steps quietly and Kurt caught her eyes.
"I still can't believe ze news I hear about you and Varren being engaged! I mean it vas bound to happen, but, vow! Exciting, nein?" He asked.
She nodded and managed a small smile. "Yes it is."
"Where is your winged magnet, Red? He miss the limo?" Gambit asked. Rogue had gone inside. Forcing him to focus his attention elsewhere.
She shrugged. "He had an unplanned business meeting to attend. He has to travel for it, so he's coming a little later on in the week."
The driver came back up the steps carrying their suitcases.
"Oh, hey, like I'm sorry. You would probably would like to come in with those." Kitty said referring to the suitcases he held. "I totally forgot my mind!"
The driver followed the four into the living room, where the rest of the residents of the mansion were sprawled around.
"Jean, it's nice to have you back." The professor's friendly voice echoed throughout the room.
"Ooh I want to see the ring!" Amara jumped up from the coach and ran over to Jean.
Jean turned to look at Kitty. "Wow, news travels fast."
Kitty just shrugged and smiled guiltily.
The next thing Jean knew she was being asked a million questions all at once.
"Okay, look, I'll answer all your questions later. I really should get settled in."
She moved past the crowd of student and turned to look at Ororo. "My room's still in the same spot, I assume."
Her friend smiled and nodded. "Of course."
Jean picked up the suitcase the driver had left in the foyer, and took it up the stairs.
She opened the door to her old room and tossed the suitcase on the bed. It was just how she remembered it, a small tingle ran up the small of her back. Her room was also a constant reminder of some bad memories. But she couldn't hide from them forever, sooner or later she'd have to face her demons.
A while later Jean made her way toward the kitchen. She walked in to see Rogue peering in the refrigerator.
"Hey." She greeted upon entering.
Rogue shut the refrigerator door.
"Rummaging around for leftovers?" Jean asked shrugging toward the items in Rouge's hands.
"Uh, not really." Rogue set down the pitcher of milk she had been holding, on the table next to a try of cookies.
"Ah just tasted some of these cookies." She said picking up a cookie from the plate. "Kitty made them, they're fresh from the oven. So they need a little help washing down."
Jean chuckled remembering Kitty's muffin phase. She stood hands in her pockets as Rogue peered up from the table where she was pouring a glass of milk.
"Ya lookin' for someone?"
Jean shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno, I was, but now I don't know what I'm doing down here."
Rogue glanced up at Jean and knew that she was speaking of Scott. She sighed and sat down. "Look, Ah know Ah haven't been the nicest person to have around here, and Ah know that most everyone sees me as a cold hearted goth type-
"-Not everyone." Jean interrupted with a small smile.
Rogue shrugged. "All Ah'm sayin' is, Ah remember the day ya want off ta collage. Ah mean what you had been through and were going through, was nobody's business but yours, but still no one was oblivious to what was goin' on. Ya know Ah used ta have a crush on Scott, way back when."
"Yeah I know." Jean said sitting down as well, she figured she might as well get a kind of friendly conversation out of this kitchen visit.
"But Ah realized that he deserved better."
"Rogue…that's not true. You're as deserving as anyone."
"The point I'm tryin' ta make is, as much as Ah don't show it often, Ah do care about things. With Scott Ah knew Ah could never compete with you. And it wasn't cause of your beauty or wisdom, but it was because you two had somethin' that he didn't have with anyone else but you. Ah mean Scott was crazy for you."
"Yeah. He was. But you have to understand, that was a long time ago."
"But who's to say he still isn't? It's like what Kat was tryin' ta say in the limo, Ah don't think love like that is just gonna disappear."
"I never said it did. I never said that I don't love Scott anymore. I said I had made peace with those feelings, and peace with the fact that we can't ever get back what we lost. And even if we could, I don't know if I can do it. We left so much hanging. I know I had so many things to say to him, but I never did. In the end, I just couldn't say those things to him. I couldn't take it, I mean for a while whenever I saw him, he was a constant reminder of what I lost. I never wanted to blame him, but I was feeling like I had to blame somebody and he was that somebody, he was my scapegoat. I know what he did was hard, he'll probably live with some trace of guilt for the rest of his life. But I really don't think I can face him."
"If you feel this way, than why did you come? You can't stay here and hide out from him, either."
"It's a big mansion." She replied.
"C'mon, Jean. It's not that big. Ya gotta know ya gonna run into him eventually. If you don't believe you can face him, than what? What if you find yourself face to face with Scott, what are ya gonna do than?" Rogue questioned Jean's motives.
"I don't know. I just wish Warren was here." Jean added quietly.
"All Ah'm sayin' is sooner or later you're gonna have to face your past. Ah don't want to imagine having to go through so much, like you did, but Ah know you did go through it, and on some deep level Ah wish you didn't have to."
Jean looked up her eyes glistening. "Scott and I…We had so many dreams. We had everything going for us, But in the end it all turned into a nightmare."
"But can ya really blame Scott for it? Ya said you still have things to say to him, you should tell him now. What if either one of ya died tomorrow…wouldn't you want to have closure…Ah mean runnin' off like ya did isn't exactly the way ta leave things."
"You know, I want to see him, I want to talk to him, but after so long I don't know how I'm going to react. Everything was so terrible, that's why I left. I deserted him, I deserted our life together, I mean, it's been so long and everything's changed so much, I don't even know how to communicate with him anymore."
"Look, if ya don't want to ever have anythin' ta do with Cyke again, than fine, that's none of mah business. But as long as you're here, now, Ah think Scott deserves to know how you feel. Especially when ya come back here about ta marry someone else."
Jean sighed and ran her fingers across the wooden table. "Yeah, I know. I know. I owe him that much."
"Yeah ya do." Rogue answered matter of factly.
If it were anyone else but Rouge, that stern comment would have upset her. She didn't like people sharing their opinions on how they felt she should run her life. But she expected it from Rogue, and took it as a compliment, because that's how Rouge gave compliments.
"You know Rogue, I kind of wish I got to know you a little better before we went off to collage. We really never associate very much, but this has been nice."
"Yeah, emphasis on has been." Rouge agreed in her own way. "Don't get used ta it, 'cause Ah don't plan on talkin' from the heart very often. Anyway Ah just thought Ah'd let ya in on my opinion as a woman-"
"-And a friend." Jean posed it as a question but it came out as a statement.
"Yeah Ah guess." Rogue shrugged. "Ah may not like everything you do, but Ah don't think any of us could have stopped ourselves from getting in the middle of your relationship. Ah mean for sure, we weren't in it as deep, but went you guys want through, we felt it to."
"Yeah, it was pretty hard not to get involved. From the day it started our relationship was like a hurricane, sucking in everything and everyone. I really feel bad about that too. That was probably the most personal, intimate time for us as a couple and for me by myself, and here I had to share it with a whole mansion full of people." Jean chuckled softly, but not because it was funny.
"Ya should keep in mind, that maybe if you're feelin' this way, Ah'm sure Scott is too." Rogue reminded her.
Jean nodded her head in response.
Her glass of milk finished, Rogue realized that she had nothing more to say and excused herself. "Look Ah got some things ta take care of before dinner. So ah'll see you later."
Jean watched her leave through the double doors. She wondered if she'd see Scott at dinner, even so she still wasn't ready to talk to him, not yet.
After dinner, everyone pitched in to help clean up. Jean and Ororo were washing and drying the dishes, Remy and Rogue were on Kitchen table cleanup. And Kurt and Kitty just put away leftovers and cleaned the kitchen.
Everything was going smooth and fast, until Jean felt a splash on her cheek. It wasn't hard to know where it came from. Jean turned to Rogue and Remy, where they were cleaning the table, they had cause quite a ruckus.
"Now what did you do that for, Remy?" Rogue asked covered with disinfectant spray, hands on her hips.
"Remy didn't do notin' wrong. Wit' you standin' 'round doin' nothin' Remy had ta fend for himself. So when 'da sprayer on dis bottle wasn't workin' Remy just fixed 'dat." Gambit said in his defense.
"By exploding the bottle?" Rogue yelled obviously angrier.
"I didn't see you helpin' Remy wit' it! 'Sides it all poured on the table so now we don't have to waste time sprayin." Remy said thinking what he did was very intelligent.
"You know the last thing Ah wanted was ta have clean-up duty with you! Again!" Rogue yelled.
"Remy ain't that bad once ya get ta know him."
"All Ah know is that everytime Ah've had ta work with you somethin' get broken or somethin' goes wrong."
"Hey, 'dere could have been a lot of ways for 'dat flower vase to explode." Remy stood up in his defense.
"Well, What about the Thanksgiving turkey?" Rogue said an angry smirk on her face.
"Hey Where Remy come from, we see flying turkey's all 'da time."
"In New Orleans?"
"All da time chere'."
"Flying turkeys with an orange ring of kinetic energy around them?" Rogue asked quizzically.
"You can't pin dose flying turkey's on me."
"Ah was there! Remember, we we're workin' in the kitchen Ah was getting' ready ta stuff the turkey when you thought it an appropriate time to show off!"
Gambit frowned, that day coming back to his mind. He smirked, huh, that had been a pretty funny prank. Of course Logan didn't think it was all that funny, otherwise Remy wouldn't have had to work out his probation in the danger room with Logan. His muscles still ached. He snapped back to reality.
"Well do you remember doing that?" Rogue asked already knowing he had.
"What is 'dis an interrogation room? Remy don't have to stand here listenin' to all 'dis!" Gambit stormed out of the kitchen.
"FINE DON'T!" Rogue yelled after him. "Uh, look at me, Ah got to go change." Rogue muttered leaving the kitchen.
"Ah…Just look at those lovebirds." Kitty said. "They're having their first fight."
"Vhat do you mean Kitty? Of all of us Rouge and Remy get along the least." Kurt said teleporting to the other side of the kitchen to put a pan in the cupboard.
"Yeah, I know, but can't you just tell they have a thing for each other?" Kitty asked mostly talking to herself.
"Besides I read in YM magazine that most co-ed teenagers who argue all the time or don't get along, Either Secretly have a crush on the other or they end up getting married or dating or something."
"I vouldn't agree vith that Kitty, Amada and I get along vith each other very vell and ve haven't argued or anything, since ve've been together."
"Well some cases are different." Kitty said sticking up for her favorite magazine.
"I mean take Jean and Warren for example. I mean he's got like a lot of money, he nice, he's mutant powers allow him to fly, like do I really need to say more?"
"Hey, Vhat about me?" Kurt asked.
"Well Kurt you've always been kind of weird when it comes to relationships and stuff. You probably just let Amanda step right over you."
"Vhat! Are you calling me a pushover?"
"You said it." Kitty answered him.
"Yes you are. You just did!" Kurt yelled.
"You called yourself a pushover!"
"But I'm not a pushover!" He defended himself.
"So why did you call yourself one?"
"I didn't, you did!"
"Did the words 'Kurt you're a pushover.' Ever come out of my mouth?" Kitty asked.
"No…"
"So then I didn't say it!"
"But you…ughhhhhhhh…" Kurt gave up talking and pounced on Kitty, teleporting them both out of the kitchen.
"Hmmm…they didn't use to so stuff like this when I lived here." Jean said washing the last of the dishes.
Ororo chuckled. "Well they didn't. You were always their voice of reason. But now they don't have one." She said as he folded the towel she had been drying the dishes with, and placed it on the counter.
"Hey, Ororo, I was thinking maybe we could catch up sometime. I mean I'd like to know what I missed while I was gone."
"That sounds good Jean. Are you going to be okay?"
"Well I'll never really recover and get past it if I don't talk about it."
"I only hope that it gets easier for you."
"Yeah, so do I. You know, I was expecting to see Scott at dinner, and expecting it to awkward and I wasn't really looking forward to it, so I was a little relieved to see that he wasn't at dinner tonight. But I think that maybe it's time I talk to him. Since I arrived here, I have been kind of hiding out from him, but it's inevitable, sooner or later we'll have to talk."
"Okay." Ororo said calmly.
"I'm gonna head up to the attic and water the plants before I retire for the night. We'll talk later."
"Alright. I'm looking forward to it."
She watched as Ororo left, leaving her alone in the kitchen.
Now if only she could talk to Scott it would make being here a little better. Although she didn't know how he would react. The last time they said anything to each other, it was a fight, they had argued, and she had left, just like that.
Maybe this time, they could start a conversation without it ending in a fight.
Jean sighed and dried her hands with a towel. Now was as good a time as any. She tossed the towel on the counter and left the kitchen.
The whole time Jean walked up the flight of stairs leading to the bedrooms, her mind was racing with thoughts.
She walked up to the closed door and hesitated. She thought over her plan to talk to Scott.
She was about to knock on his door, when she glanced across the hall and noticed her door was slightly ajar.
Curiosity peaked; she walked the two steps from his door to hers' and approached the darkened room. She peered into the room through the halfway open door.
The door to the balcony had been opened and the little light that the moon could offer trickled through the otherwise dimly lit room. The night breeze lightly ruffled the door curtains and anything else it could.
Jean stared through the room at the figure leaning on the balcony. He was there, in her room, on the balcony. She stared at the view before her, the light of the moon shone around Scott illuminating him in the blackness of the shadows. His arms were pressed against the balcony railing as he looked out across the night sky.
She hadn't seen Scott in a while, and even from his back he looked good, well kept. She needed to talk to him. But after her hasty departure months before, it wouldn't be easy. She wished now, that they didn't need to have this talk at all. But they did.
Knowing everyone else in the mansion was either asleep or in their rooms for the night, Jean inhaled deeply and pushed on the door slightly to let herself in.
As she neared closer to the balcony Jean noticed that Scott seemed to be brooding as he leaned over the balcony's ledge.
Of course that could have something to do with her being here. She knew he wouldn't be happy with her engagement, after all it had come as a complete surprise to nearly everyone. But it was probably a shock to Scott.
He hadn't come to dinner, probably to spare everyone of the uneasiness that was sure to have transpired between the two of them. But he was here now, in her room, she knew him well enough to know that he was waiting for her. He knew she'd have to come to bed sometime. It was a good plan, dark, quiet, just the two of them around to hear all the nasty words that may or may not come up in their conversation.
She quietly entered upon the balcony and rested her arm on the ledge as she felt the cool breeze of the night ruffle her hair.
Scott didn't budge or turn his head, but he could sense her presence, he knew she was here.
"Aren't you going to say hi?" She asked quietly, staring straight ahead at the stars.
"You know, why do I get the feeling you're trying to avoid me?" Scott asked gently.
"I don't know. Why would you think that?" She asked a little irritated that he had decided to begin conversation this way.
Scott shrugged as he answered. "I just get the feeling that you're uncomfortable around me for one reason or another."
"Well Scott, that's understandable, don't you think? I know how you feel about the choices I've made regarding my life."
"I doubt that you do." He answered, still not looking at her. It was than that she wondered if he had been waiting all day to do this.
"What does that mean?" When she received no reply she continued,
"Look Scott, I know you're angry with the announcement of my engagement to Warren. I expected as much. But I'm happy with him." She defended her actions.
"Well good I'm glad you're happy." He said coolly. She couldn't tell if he was genuine or just coolly brushing it off.
Jean stared at Scott. She shook her head in frustration.
"I don't believe you. Can you get any more distanced?" She paused and than continued.
"You know, You haven't said a word to me that's encouraging. It's like you want us to fight. I don't even know how you feel about this, Scott."
He frowned, irritated. "About what, Your engagement? How do you think I feel?"
"Well, I'm sure you're not happy about it, you're probably a little surprised—"
"—Shocked actually." He interrupted.
"—But I didn't think you'd be upset about it. At least not angry." She finished.
Scott nodded his head in understanding. "Oh…I get it. You think I'm upset about you're engagement."
She nodded. "Of course."
"Well I'm not." He answered.
"But you're obviously angry."
"Yes I am." He answered honestly.
"Okay, if not because of that, than why?"
"Why? Why do you think Jean?" For the first time that night he turned to face her and his voice rose.
"You left me! Years ago you left me! You just deserted me, you dashed every hope that we ever had at working through our problems! You did that! For months you go without talking to me, in fact, if it weren't for Kitty I'd know nothing about your life. But I'm sure you didn't want that, that's why you told Kitty in the first place, you knew she'd get the word back to the mansion, back to me."
"That wasn't my intention."
"Yeah right." He nodded not believing her. "So can you imagine my surprise when I hear that you're getting married. While you're gone I'm wondering what went wrong with us, wondering why exactly it is that you left. I never heard from you Jean. Not once. So what were you thinking, coming here, with this…news? Did you think I would take it lightly? I feel…I feel like…that I'm just…left hanging."
"I didn't leave you hanging Scott. You knew I was leaving." She said tensely.
Scott sighed and his voice lowered into almost a whisper. "What happened to us Jean?"
Jean shook her head and turned away. "I dunno…"
Scott approached her and put his hands on her shoulders turning her around to face him. There was a hesitance between the two, as they absorbed all the feelings around them. It was so strong, whatever it was that was still alive between them. Jean felt it too, she was surprised at how strongly it still felt.
"Standing here right now, Jean, I feel something so strong, something so positive. Do you feel that too?" He asked in a hushed tone.
She shook her head and turned around to avoid his gaze. "Scott…I feel so many things…"
"Good things?" He asked, hopeful.
"No. I mean…Yes, good things." She added. She didn't know what to say as her mind raced. She walked away from him.
"Why are you hesitating?" Scott asked, confused.
Jean turned around to face him, but maintained her distance. "I'm sorry…I don't… I don't mean to seem that way."
"So why do you?" He asked.
Jean shook her head and tried to explain.
"When we were apart…I thought all that I felt for you was gone. I mean with Warren's help I was able to sort through my feelings and to rethink my life and he helped me to move on. He helped me in a way you didn't or you couldn't. And I just-I didn't expect for us to be talking this way…I mean I'm engaged to Warren, that's how much my life has changed."
Scott shrugged and his hope remained.
"Jean while you were away I had to rethink everything…take a look at my life. Many times I was tempted to call you, believe me, many times. I didn't because I didn't think I should. I mean I didn't know how you felt…what you felt. But when you were gone, when you were gone, that was the worst time in my life. I struggled with my feelings so much. I realized that after…after what I did…I just I felt so guilty knowing that I had taken something precious away from you."
She sighed deeply as memories flooded her mind and she suppressed her tears. He turned and leaned his back against the balcony.
"I couldn't face you and I just bottled up all my feelings and withdrew from you, from everyone. It's just…it took me so long to learn to express my emotions that I guess some of that potential to hide my emotions still lies within me. What I did had such an impact on me that I automatically shut down to protect myself from the pain. I just feel as if sometimes it's easier to just shut down than open up. I know I hurt you because of my actions, and you'll never know how truly sorry I am. But you have to understand, this affected me too…and it didn't hurt me any less than it did you. The only difference is that I have to live with the guilt of such a consequence."
Jean shook her head, but didn't move from standing in the middle of the balcony.
"You know, while I was away I was able to think about the past years. To sort through my life, or what was left of it."
"Well did you…what did you decide? Did you come to any conclusions?" He asked.
She nodded. "One." She said quietly.
"What?"
Jean turned around to face him. "That it would be very easy for me to forget the last several years ever happened…"She trailed off, waiting for him to respond.
"Jean…I never thought that you would suggest forgetting the past few years."
Jean shook her head. "Oh, I wanted to…believe me I wanted to. But I don't think I should forget them."
Scott was confused. Apparently they had been away from each other for too long.
"I don't understand."
Jean sighed as she tried to sort through and explain her feelings to him.
"Scott, what happened between us affected me deeply and our relationship took a turn that we never expected. We thought nothing could ever break that bond we share, but there's no denying that our bond was tested that day, no denying that. What happened to us, the experience we share, it's over now, we can't do anything but move on, move past it. But we can't simply ignore it and go on as if nothing ever happened! The truth is it did happen and we did become distant and our relationship became really lonely for me. I was thinking thoughts that I would never have thought if it weren't because of that. I began to wonder if we were really meant to be."
Scott whispers to her, "I understand why you'd feel that way."
Jean looked at him skeptically. "Scott, I don't think you do. I thought, once long ago, that we were meant to be, but now, now I know we're not. We're not meant to be, and we can't change that. It's just how it is."
"You don't really believe that, Jean?"
"Well what do you think I believe, Scott? Do you think my marrying Warren is just a big joke? That it's a way for me to move past things quicker and to forget you? Is that what you think? Because I'm telling you now, that's not how it is."
"You can't make me believe that you actually love him." Scott said.
"Why shouldn't I? What would be so wrong with loving Warren?"
"Nothing!" He answered firmly, noticing the rise in his voice, he lowered it; "It's just…I never knew why you left, I didn't understand why you'd just desert me, desert us, the way you did. But I understand now. I understand that I'm the one at fault for losing you the way I did. I'm the one who pushed you to run away. I wasn't there for you, I get it now. I mean I was a complete jerk to you after—
"—Scott, it's okay, we don't have to talk about it."
"Yes we do! Jean…you don't understand how much I want to talk about it. How much I need to talk about it with you. You're the only one who can relate to what I'm feeling."
"But that was a long time ago, I've moved past that part of my life."
"You don't know how much I want to move past it…but the more I try the more I can't. When I look back on that day, I just feel so many things. I feel guilt, anger, hurt. You know, I tried to stay strong for everyone; I tried to pretend that I had moved past it. But the only thing I accomplished was that I lied to myself. It's still there Jean…everything is still there…all bottled up inside me. I just…I want it all to go away."
Jean nodded and paced the floor as she whispers;
"I understand I do. There were times when it hurt so bad I forced myself to just dismiss it... to pretend like it never happened. But it was so real…I couldn't do that. Instead I forced myself to live with it…and I just fell to pieces." She exhaled deeply as she ran a hand across her forehead and through her hair.
She stopped pacing and turned to look at him.
"I needed you Scott! I needed you and you weren't there! You were so bottled up in your own emotions that you just shut down to the world…you shut down to me. I knew you were hurting and I wanted so bad to comfort you…but I needed comforting too."
"Jean…I'm sorry…" Scott replied hushed, barely audible.
She continued,
"I wanted to be there for you, I really did. But I couldn't because you would never let me get close enough…even our rapport felt cold and lonely. I thought about you all the time. I thought about how much you were hurting to shut me out as much as you did, I thought it must've really been killing you. I felt so bad that I couldn't comfort you. But at a time when we should have been there for each other…you weren't there for me!" She finished angrily.
"I know. I know. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? How does that fix this! That doesn't fix this! Scott… you can't just apologize it all away! That won't make it better!"
"I wasn't there for you, I get that! You will never know how sorry I am about that. Let me be there for you now Jean, let me be there now."
She shook her head.
"Don't you get it? It's too late, Scott. You have no idea what I went through having to endure the pain silently, until I met Warren. He did what you couldn't. He was there for me. He held me, he listened to me. He was there. And you know what, he helped me through it."
"I thank him for that, Jean. I do. You don't know how bad I feel that you had to go elsewhere to get what I should've been giving you. He did do what I couldn't. But it was my job. I vowed to be there for you and when it came down to it, I couldn't."
She nodded. "Yeah, so what does that say about you?"
"That I'm a failure." He answered honestly. "I have faults, and in the end I couldn't overcome them."
She shook her head. "I don't understand, Scott. You promised me! You took a vow! For better or for worse! What happened to us, the pain we felt, we're not alone, Scott. It happens to more people than we'd think. But they get through it. They bond from the shared experience, the shared grief. This tore us apart! Don't you see that? This destroyed us!" She yelled forcefully as tears ran down her face.
He nodded and behind his glasses tears fell. "Jean I know. We said so many things…"
"Yeah, we did. We said so many things that day. That was the end of it all. It shouldn't have been. But it was. I can't understand it. We were supposed to come out stronger! I thought we were stronger than that! What happened to us, Scott? Why did it have to come down to this to make us see how very wrong we were?"
"We weren't wrong, Jean. We weren't. We just…we screwed up, that's all."
"Yeah, we did. We did screw up. We were just too young and it was just too soon."
"Do you blame me, Jean?" He asked. "I'd expect you too. Because of me our lives have been changed forever. Because of me one life is gone. We can't change that…I wish to god we could…but we can't."
She turned her back to him and let the hot tears fall as he talked.
"Jean, what…what we have now is…is something stronger than what we started with. We've survived Jean…we've survived the greatest pain that anyone can bear."
She crossed her arms and tried to avoid any contact with Scott as he stood behind her and continued;
"Please don't tell me that you feel there's no connection between us."
He didn't wait for a reply as he answered himself;
"Always has been and always will be."
She shook her head and wiped away tears with her palm. Their voices begin to raise slowly as they continue to talk.
"Oh no-no-no don't you dare bring that up! Don't you dare bring her up!"
"Why Jean? Why not bring it up? I mean it's been so long and we haven't talked about it…"
"Have you not been hearing me? I don't want to talk about it! I've moved past all of that. That part of my life is over! It's over!"
"That's what you keep saying, But is it really Jean? Are you sure it's over?"
She frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"Have you really moved past all of that? Or are you just running away from it?"
Her voice was tense and she glared at him through her tears. "Running away from what?"
"Running away from your past…from me."
"What? No of course not! How can you even say something like that to me?"
"Because I know you. I know how your mind works." He stressed.
She was angry now. "No you don't! You don't know anything about me anymore!"
"Than why won't you talk to me?" Scott asked his voice tense and almost pleading.
"It's not my fault that you don't know anything about me now! That was your choice! When you chose to withdraw from me, when you chose to shut down, you stopped knowing anything about me! And that's not my fault, you can only blame yourself for that."
"I'm different than that, Jean. I'm not that person anymore. Talk to me now."
"It's too late for all of that, Scott. It's too late." Jean turned her back on him, as silent tears streamed down her face.
"It's okay if you want to be mad at me Jean. I mean I was the one at fault."
She shook her head, as angry as she was right now, she didn't want him blaming himself. Deep down she knew he had no choice.
"You can't look at it that way." She tried to reassure, but she couldn't make her voice sound convincing.
"Why not? Don't you?" He asked.
Her voice lowered and they continued quietly;
"As much as it would be so easy for me to blame you…and as much as I've thought of blaming you, as much as I wanted to blame you, I know you had no choice in doing what you did. I do owe you my life for that."
Scott gazed up at the sky, his mood wondering.
"I sometimes wonder what would have happened if it had turned out differently. If maybe I had made another choice. It haunts me, you know, wondering what could be today if we could've just avoided the whole situation altogether. I wonder if it would have made a difference, if it would have spared her life."
She shook her head. "If she were to be here today, alive, than it's a possibility I wouldn't be here. I owe you my life, Scott. You saved me."
"But you miss her don't you?" He asked as he turned her by the shoulder, tears streaming down her bowed head.
She made a faint nodding motion with her head; her hands ran to her face to suppress her tears.
"Yes…" She choked out quietly.
"So do I." Scott related.
"I think about her everyday." Jean continued, still not looking at Scott. "What she would be like, who she would look like. I think about how my life would be today. I'd like to think that if she had lived, I'd find myself here, with you."
"You can still be with me, Jean." Scott said, his hope restoring.
She disagreed. "It's different now. Everything is different now."
"We're not different, we're still the same." Scott tried to convince her.
"I'm different Scott, I've changed. I think about that day all the time. I get so angry thinking about what he did to her…what he did to me…How could someone have that much hatred, how could someone do what he did and get away with it?" She asked, searching for something, an answer somewhere.
"I don't know Jean. But he was a cruel man and I hope he's paying for his sins."
"He took her away from us Scott…he killed our baby and I hope he burns in hell for it." She cried through clenched teeth.
He wrapped his arms around Jean. "I know honey…I know."
She pulled away from his embrace, her eyes blazing. "Don't you see, Scott? Everytime I look at you…I remember…and it hurts. I have a hole in my heart that was left when she died, and I can't help but fill it with anger. I don't want to…but it's there."
He shrugged, "Look the last couple of years have been hard on you, on me, on us, I understand I do. But don't you think we deserve another chance? Don't you think this is our chance?"
"No. I mean I don't know. It's just…it's all still so fragile. Scott, I'm engaged to Warren. I've made my decision."
"But you still love me, you know you do. Why can't you just accept your feelings and come back to me?"
Jean became slightly upset. "Aren't you being a little unfair?"
"I don't think I am. I'm not going to beg you. Either the feelings that I feel are mutual or they aren't…I feel that they are."
Jean looked into his eyes and whispers, "Scott… don't question my feelings for you, please don't do that…"
He looked into her eyes and held her head in his hands, as he whispered into her eyes, "If we love each other so much, why shouldn't we be together? Why?"
She pulled out of his embrace and angrily retorts, "Because we can't!"
"Why can't we?" He asked.
"Because…I can't!" She tearfully yelled.
"What?"
"I can't go back to that again, Scott!"
"Go back to what? You're not making any sense!"
"You don't understand, you can't possibly understand how I feel. But it took me so long to move past it all, that I just can't go back to it."
Scott nodded his head sadly as realization dawned upon him. "You think that history will repeat itself? Is that it?"
"I just—I don't know what I think! All I know is that I can't go through that again. I just think there is so much to be considered now. Can't you understand the conflict I'm feeling?"
"That shouldn't matter, not if you truly love me!"
"Yeah but we can't make this happen without destroying other people's lives. We can't ignore everyone who might be affected if we decide to resume this."
"You're talking about Warren, aren't you?" Scott huffed.
Jean shook her head, "Scott, you don't know Warren like I do. You haven't spent time with him on a daily basis. I mean…I'm engaged to him. That has to say something."
"Yeah, all it says is that I know you have committed to him. And my feelings on that subject don't mean anything."
She nods. "Yes, I am committed, and it's not to you."
Scott struggled to explain, "It's a commitment that I have a great difficulty understanding and making sense of… because I know what your feelings are for me."
He turned to the railing and looked at the stars as he continued;
"You know, ever since you left I thought that over the time while you and I were apart, that the feelings that existed between us would fade and go away, but they didn't…they aren't…I 've always loved you… and those feelings were always hidden and always drawn…"
He turned to her and looked deeply in her eyes,
"It's still there isn't it? All the chemistry and the electricity, the passion, it's all still there…I can feel it. I guess some things never change, do they? Our time away hasn't changed what has always been between us."
She walked away thoughtfully, turning her back to him.
Scott followed her and noticing her hesitation, he sighed and continued;
"Look…I have nothing more to say. I don't like living here…without you. I'm sorry I feel this way…I really am."
He sighed and deeply and continued, her back still to him. "But I want you, I want you very much."
She turned to look at him with tears in her eyes as he pleads with her.
She was trying to fight away all that he was saying and sticking to all the reasons why it would never work out between them.
"Look Scott…I've made my decision. I told you that. Now if you can't understand that, than fine. But I'm done. I'm done. It's over. I'm just so tired…tired of everything…I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Okay…" Scott agreed. "So let's talk about this…" He grasped Jean's left hand in his. He boosted her ring finger up with his thumb pointing out to her the engagement ring.
"Scott…" Jean sighed as she pulled away her hand just as he released his hold.
"If you don't want to talk about our past…fine we won't…so let's talk about our future." He finished.
"Don't you get it? My future is not with you!" She protested strongly, turning away from him.
Scott grabbed her arm to keep her from walking away. He spun her around to face him and pulled her close.
"Are you sure?" He asked quietly his eyes searching her face from behind his glasses.
She looked down as she tried to avert his gaze.
He followed her wandering gaze. "Jean I know you feel a connection between us…I can sense it."
She shook her head trying to fight away what she knew was happening between them.
"Look I don't think we should be talking this way…" She said shaking her head trying without avail to protest what he was doing to her.
"I can't—I can't believe we're talking about this now. I can't believe we're talking this way. I -I shouldn't be talking this way not with you." She protested, weakly trying to wiggle free from his hold.
"Than we won't talk." He whispered as he brought her face to meet his.
He could feel her hesitating but he knew that on some level she was feeling the same way he was.
Jean tried to fight her feelings away…but what she felt between them was a connection…a tension so heavy she found herself slowly being trapped in it. Deep down she longed for this moment…but at the same time she fought to keep herself from being caught up in it.
Scott pulled her closer to him and for a moment she pulled back…hesitating…trying to fight it.
"Don't. You don't have to do this. After all these years, you can stop fighting Jean." He whispered, his breath falling across her face.
She tried to reason with herself, trying to keep sane and free of the emotions running through her. But she felt so many things…and her feelings for him…for this moment… were unquenchable unless she let it happen. She no longer hesitated and Scott pulled them closer to embrace her in a long passionate kiss.
She felt all her reasoning slip away…the sensations running through her were so much stronger and it was complete bliss.
Her hands ran through his hair as their lips met and she pulled him closer.
Their breathing was heavy and neither talked much, both caught up in a tidal wave of emotions.
Jean placed her hands on Scott's cheeks bringing his lips closer to hers causing her hair to fall across his face.
So many thoughts ran through her mind, and as good as the moment felt, she couldn't help but feel guilty.
She broke the kiss but leaned her forehead against his, breathing heavily.
"We can't…We shouldn't be doing this…it's wrong…it's wrong." She gasped out maintaining some hold on what was right and what was wrong.
"Yes we can." He answered for her, kissing her once more.
She let him kiss her for a moment, but pressed her palms to his chest and pulled back. "We can't do this, Scott. We can't."
"Why not? It's not like it's nothing I haven't seen before. Why are you holding back?" He asked.
"Scott, I can't. I've made a commitment to Warren, I can't do this to him." She said a little irritated at his comment.
"You made a commitment to me, Jean. You backed out of it. Tell me how this is any different?" His breath fell across her face.
Slightly she shook her head, breathing heavily, she searched for an answer. "I don't…I don't know. But this is different, this is. We can't." She said speaking as if she were trying to convince herself rather than him.
"The hell we can't." He answered.
His lips met hers in a kiss that was so deep and passionate, all she could do was surrender to her emotions, and kiss him deeply back.
Scott embraced Jean in a kiss before cuddling up close to her in bed. She sighed and rested her head on his chest.
"It's all true you know." He said quietly after a momentary pause.
"What is?" She mumbled out.
"Everything I felt, the connection between us… the passion that I feel. It's just, it's all still there. I cannot begin to tell you how much I've missed this." Scott paused, "How much I've wanted this…"
They kiss and after a moment he pulls away. "I just can't get enough of you, right now."
"Mmm..." came Jean's feeble response.
He folds her hand in his. "There's just something about us that seems inevitable, don't you think? It's a passion that's so overwhelming. Do you feel that too?"
She snuggled up closer to him as he held her.
"All I know is when I am like this in your arms… I feel… so complete." She kisses his fingers still entwined in hers.
"What is so remarkable is that all this time has passed and absolutely nothing has changed. Nothing." He agreed.
"It's like all the years have faded away…but right now… it just seems so right." She added.
"That's because it is. What I can't understand is why the hell we ever let it go." He said with a sigh.
"Oh, Scott, we made so many mistakes."
"First of all… was that we let go of each other. Maybe that was meant to be, you know. Because otherwise we wouldn't have learned to appreciate what we have now." He answered for her.
"I still can't believe this is really happening."
"Let's believe it." He said as they kissed again…
She pressed against him and pushed away, breaking their kiss.
"You should go." She said in a hushed voice.
Scott's eyes searched her face. He could feel her hesitance in their last kiss. He could sense that she unsure of something, uncomfortable maybe.
"Jean…" He began to question.
She shook her head. "You really need to go." She repeated.
He sighed and nodded as he agreed with her.
Scott parted from her arms and stood up. His lips met hers to kiss her in a last deep passionate embrace.
Jean pulled away again, this time her hesitance obvious.
"We should stop before we get ahead of ourselves." She murmured quietly feeling his hot breath brush across her face.
"Yeah…right." He sighed again and nodded understandingly but Jean could sense that he was disappointed.
She watched him leave and pulled the blanket tighter around her body. She sighed and stole a glance at her engagement ring.
She sighed again and let her head fall back against the pillow.
Yep, Yep, Yep, They did do what you all think they did! I'm sureyou all know what want on at the mansion. I told ya, when Warren's away, Jean will play! Well not really, JK :-) However, what she did do is not good. At least for Warren anyway!
Trust me, there's more tothis Scott/Jean relationship than what you know! It's a very deep, complicated, relationship and I'll delve deeper into the relationship itself, thier past as a couple and maybe more, and also I'll delve into what exactly it is that happened to them years ago!
And of course,I did drop a few lines a/b what happened the year before Jean left for NYC, and trust me it will all make sense at the end. Like the very end! Okay soafter what went on this night, What will happen when Warren arrives, and what if he shold find out? And how does Jean feel about it all? Wellyou know, Keep reading!