My thanks to Lona Jennings for her lovely nitpicks
Chapter 11
There were some things in life that a man learned to laugh about over time. Lee seriously hoped that getting caught making out in a hospital bed by the two highest ranking officers on the Galactica was one of them.
At the moment, he seriously doubted it.
Granted, neither had really seemed upset. Come to think of it, neither had seemed surprised either. His father had taken it in stride, and the only aggravating part had been the stupid grin that the man would not take off his face. Lee supposed he should have expected it. After all, his father had been rooting for him and Kara since before Lee had realized it was an option.
Tigh, on the other hand, had been just plain mean. Maybe not intentionally so, but that was the way it had come across to a man who had been interrupted in the middle of something that had felt damned good. Thankfully, the XO's left handed comments about slacking off duty and leaving the room for people who were really hurt had been taken in stride by Kara. If anything, she had been more of a brat at that moment than Tigh had been. When Tigh had mockingly told her to go to work, she'd slipped out of the bed fully grateful to do so. It would have served her right if she'd fallen on her butt. Instead, she'd had them all laughing with her wobbling walk by the time she'd laid back down.
In all, the visit hadn't wound up nearly as bad as it had started out. Tigh had brought Kara a few books that he'd thought she'd like while she was stuck in bed — both of them by authors that Lee knew Kara liked — and had seemed genuinely pleased that she was feeling better. Given the animosity that the two of them had always shared, Lee had seen it as a pretty good sign. For her part, Kara hadn't been nearly as snippy as she normally was around Tigh. She hadn't been friendly, but neither had she been rude.
But that didn't mean that she'd been entirely at ease in the situation. In fact, despite Lee's efforts to move to a chair, Kara had kept a firm hold on the back of his duty pants, making it impossible to leave her there by herself without making a scene. He had wound up sitting on the edge of her bed for the visit whether he felt comfortable about it or not. He had tried not to let it bother him. After all, if the ship's Commander and XO didn't have a problem with their CAG being on a bed with another pilot, than Lee wasn't going to explain it to them.
If nothing else, their visit had been fairly short. Unfortunately, it had broken a mood that he had been thoroughly enjoying. He wasn't sure exactly how he had let a simple card game could get so entirely out of hand, but he had really enjoyed when it had. The fact that Kara had enjoyed it as well was the one thing that made even the interruption tolerable. He didn't think it was the last time they'd be all over one another.
Still, her arms hadn't gone back around him when his father had escorted Tigh out, and conversation had taken the place of their game of Pyramid. He wasn't sure exactly what it meant, but he wasn't planning to leave his imagination on overdrive. When all else failed, he could always ask.
"You okay?"
Kara looked up and met his expression, her eyes a nearly clear green in the bright overhead lights. "Fine," she told him with a smile. "Maybe a little tired. Pretty dumb really; I haven't done anything."
"Well, we were kind of busy when my dad came in," he admitted sheepishly.
"That was fun, not work," she told him with a slight punch.
Lee felt himself relax. Only then did he really admit to himself how worried he'd been that she would shut him out as she had done before when their actions had been questioned. They had never been caught so blatantly, though. He had to wonder how she felt about it.
"Are you okay with my dad knowing?" he asked.
She shrugged one shoulder. "I don't think we could keep it a secret," she admitted. "And I'm pretty sure I don't want to. We're not doing anything wrong, so I guess it's time to stop acting like we are."
That did bring a smile to his face; he couldn't have said it better himself. Laying his hand along her cheek, he let his thumb trail over her lower lip, just enjoying the soft texture and unique opportunity. She really was damned pretty, even without the paint and crap that other women relied on. Her eyes were huge and gorgeous, her skin was clear and pale and soft, and her lips
"What are you thinking about?"
Lee's attention came back to the moment with a startling jolt. He'd gotten a little lost for a moment. "You," he admitted softly.
"What about me?" she asked in a wary voice.
"That you're pretty," he admitted, and had the pleasure of watching a blush rise up from her throat to her forehead in record time. It was at least as bright as the one she'd had when his father had walked in. There was something nice about knowing he could make her blush. "And that I'd really like to get you out of here," he added as his thumb left its exploration of her lips and trailed down her jaw. She had the softest skin
"I'll be off duty for another couple of weeks," she told him, but her voice had an unusual tremor to it. Lee found that he liked keeping her just a little off balance.
He didn't answer, because he didn't need to. He wasn't going to let her distract him. Having trailed his thumb along her jaw and down her neck, he allowed his fingers to follow the curved path of her military issue tank tops. Yes, she did blush from the chest up, and he found it adorable. There was a lot of ground that neither of them had bothered to explore before now. He was absurdly glad that they'd get the opportunity.
A shadow of gray caught his attention as he played with the top of her shirt. With a frown, he pulled back the green undershirt and peeked just below it. Kara didn't stop him. What he saw was enough to make him catch his breath.
He had seen the bruises before. Originating at her collar bones, they were nearly black with blue and purple radiating outwards from the center. She had told him that she had similar ones at hip bones and ribs, but for some reason he hadn't realized just how bad they really looked; just how painful they had to be.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked her gently. "I mean, I knew you were sore, but"
"It's sore," she admitted. "But I don't do pain. I would have told you if anything had hurt. Besides, I think I was the one grabbing you, not the other way around."
He nodded, but for some reason he couldn't pull himself back from the slight guilt of wanting her so much when she was still in so much pain. She handled it so well that he'd almost forgotten.
"Hey," she said clearly, drawing his attention back up to her eyes. She looked mad. "Don't go there."
"What?" he asked in what he hoped was an innocent voice. She knew him too damned well.
"Don't start getting all morbid and shit," she insisted. "I'm here, I'm fine, and I'm not going anywhere. You didn't hurt me, you won't hurt me, and if you start backing down after all this I just may hurt you."
He smiled at the fierceness in her voice. "How did you know what I was thinking?" he asked. It was a rhetorical question. They both knew the answer.
"Lee, I've got a very good appreciation of my own limits," she told him in a much gentler voice. "And trust me, what we were doing earlier was definitely not taxing them. In fact, I really wish your dad had been about ten minutes later, because I'd kind of like to know how far we might have gotten."
He scooted himself back up onto her bed, nudging her to the side so that he had room to lay next to her. As though they'd been doing it for years, she turned over onto her right side and let her left leg rest over his. Her left arm likewise wrapped around his stomach, and her head fit perfectly on his chest just beside his left shoulder. He didn't have a clue what to say to her. It seemed like one or the other of them was always pulling back from the relationship for some reason, but they always wound up back here, in one another's arms, as comfortable as though they had been this way all their lives. He had to wonder if all couples went through this, or if it was just them. Then again, maybe it was better if he didn't know that answer.
As Lee watched Kara reach out for him in sleep, mumbling slightly when she didn't find him, he had to smile. Normally he would be lying with her, but this once he hadn't been tired and he didn't want his restlessness to wake her. Still, she was reaching for him. Habits formed so quickly. Okay, so maybe this habit was a little more ingrained, but in the grand scheme of things six months didn't seem so very long. That was really the sum total of the time they'd been sharing a bed. Six months, give or take a couple of extra days here or there as their lives had demanded it. Six months, and she would be a part of him for the rest of his life. He didn't sleep worth a damn without her there, either.
It was damned good to have her home.
If he was honest with himself, she had done more than scare the shit out of him when she'd gotten pinned under that Viper. She had forced him to reevaluate a lot of things, and analyze a lot of motives. Sitting next to her while she was in and out of consciousness for another day hadn't been easy either. The bottom line was that he had to decide whether he could live without her or not, if he were to be given the choice. It hadn't been much of a decision.
Kara had always been around, and a big part of him had assumed she always would be. She was just there, taken for granted, and not really valued as she should have been. That had changed with the onset of the war. He took nothing for granted any longer, least of all the life of his best friend. But unfortunately that knowledge hadn't pushed him towards her, but away. He'd been scared to death that he'd lose her like he'd lost everyone else — from Zak, to his mother, to the dozens of friends and acquaintances that he'd made along the line. In the time span of a few hours, he had lost everyone except his father and one friend, and they had become his anchors in a very uncertain world.
But in using them as anchors, he had placed them in a position of frightening importance. Without them, he didn't think he'd have any stability at all. So he had done his best to keep those relationships both solid and unchanging. It might have helped him remain grounded, but it hadn't been fair to either one of them. First of all, no one deserved that much responsibility for another person's mental state. And secondly, it had limited the progress that could take place in either relationship. Change could not occur without risk, and he had not been willing to take any risks.
But it had all been taken out of his hands as he'd lain on his belly on a flight deck, clutching a small, cold hand. He had realized then that nothing he did to a relationship could be as dangerous as taking it for granted. Nothing could destroy it faster than preventing growth. And probably most importantly, realized that if he'd lost Kara at that moment, nothing would have made it worse. Being her brother wouldn't have made it worse. Being her lover wouldn't have made it worse. The only thing that truly could make it worse was the knowledge that he hadn't given her everything she deserved.
He had absolutely no clue what she saw in him, but apparently there was something. After all, she was still around after he'd given her hundreds of reasons to run screaming. She had once told him — he couldn't remember the exact circumstances — that a friend was someone who had seen you at your worst, and loved you anyway. That described Kara exactly. Being her boyfriend — and he hated the immaturity of the word, but couldn't find another — wasn't going to change her love because she'd already survived him at rock bottom. If she could still stand to be around him after he'd lost Zak, and after the way he'd treated his own father, then there wasn't much he could do that would be worse.
A soft groan brought his attention from her relaxed body to a less than happy expression. Whether it was a dream, her injuries, or a memory — Kara was hurting.
"Wake up," he told her softly, leaning forward to place a hand on her arm as he did so. "Kara, wake up."
She did. He eyes flew open in a terrified stare that caught him off guard. She gulped in a breath, winced, and then gulped in another.
"You're okay," he assured her, brushing bangs back off her forehead and leaning down close to her. "I'm right here. Nothing will happen." He wasn't sure why he thought that should be reassuring. His presence had never really protected her before. Still, it seemed the thing to say, and it had the desired effect.
Her eyes closed and he watched a shudder run through her body. "Bad dream," she muttered. He had already known that.
"Wanna talk about it?"
She shook her head, wincing again.
"Hurting?" he asked.
"Just stiff," she said. "I'm fine."
He didn't believe it for a second. "Roll over," he instructed, giving her a little push so that she'd turn her back to him. He stood up and placed the chair he'd been using back at his desk, then lay down next to her.
She didn't argue. That worried him just a little — Kara argued about everything, and he liked it as much as he dreaded it - but he tried not to let it worry him. Once she was faced away from him, he untangled the covers from around her to get down to Kara and her underwear. He didn't move her top — didn't think he'd live through it — but instead began rubbing her back gently through the cotton of the shirts. It wasn't exactly a massage as he didn't want to squeeze or press because she still had so many sore spots, but it was more like petting her. If it comforted her half as much as it did him, then she'd be back to sleep in minutes.
Sure enough, after a few minutes he heard a contented sigh and she rolled onto her back. She wasn't asleep, but the tightness on her face was gone and her eyes were droopy. "Thanks," she told him quietly.
"Anytime," he promised, leaning forward to give her a gentle kiss.
At least, that was what he had planned. Somehow his intentions seemed to fizzle once his lips were on hers, and it was like fighting something both magnetic and electric. Once he started, he just didn't want to stop. Normally it wasn't an issue. Most of the time when she'd been in Life Station, someone was visiting the room or one of them had something they needed to do. But tonight he was off duty, and she was supposed to be resting, and they were in his room where no one was likely to open the door on them. So the kiss didn't turn out as innocent as he'd planned.
Kara's hands moved to his chest, grabbing shirts and holding tight. He tried to remind himself why this had to be a bad idea, but the concepts weren't forming as they usually did. It just felt too good to lay here and kiss her. She eased a little closer to him, pinning her hands between them, and his arms wound their way around her back, and Lee just settled in to enjoy.
Lately, this had been happening a lot. Once they'd decided to go ahead and let things just happen, it had seemed as though they didn't have a whole lot blocking them. When they weren't busy thinking up excuses to stay apart, falling together was remarkably easy, and Lee had to admit that it had its advantages. It also had disadvantages, but he was beginning to consider the constant state of discomfort below his belt to be an acceptable price to pay for the moments spent in her arms.
Kara was a really incredible kisser. She wasn't overpowering, but she didn't just lay there either. She was a partner, giving and taking in equal measure, and always letting him know where she stood. She wasn't quiet about it either, and he really liked that. She made soft sounds of approval, little groans or sighs of pleasure, and her occasional gasps were incredibly good for his ego. It made a return to the days of youthful frustration to be almost bearable. Almost. Sometimes, bearable wasn't the word.
"Mmm, Kara, stop please," he muttered, giving her another little kiss. She did, for just a moment, and then kissed him again. He followed suit until they were right back where they had started. He decided to try again, more out of desperation than anything else. "Kara, give me a minute. Please." Two more kisses, her hand slipped up his chest, and he had to bite his own lip to keep himself together. With a tremendous burst of will, he ended the kiss, rolled to his back, and did his best to catch his breath before he embarrassed both of them.
"What's wrong?" she asked softly, reaching over to lay her hand in the center of his chest.
"Just cooling down," he admitted with a partial smile. He wasn't quite comfortable enough to give her a full one just yet. He started counting backwards from ten, but it wasn't far enough. He started again, this time from one hundred.
"You okay?" she asked, this time coming up on one elbow with a wince and looking genuinely concerned.
"I will be," he admitted wryly.
She looked him over from head to toe, her glance stopping about midway and her eyes widening in understanding. She was a very bright girl. "I guess we overdid that," she said with an apologetic smile. "Sorry."
"I'm not," he told her with a smile as he reached up to brush those stubborn bangs back away from her forehead so he could see her eyes. He really loved her eyes. "Kara, I enjoy everything we do. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to do more when you're feeling better. Between now and then, I just have to take a break now and then."
She nodded, but then the concerned expression returned to her face. She looked almost sad.
"What?" he asked. When she put her head down, he put a finger under her chin and lifted her face to so he could meet her eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Lee, I'm not saying no," she began, then she didn't continue.
"But?" he prompted.
"But I don't want to lose my wings," she admitted. Finally, her eyes met his directly. "I'm not ready to be a mother. It isn't you — I swear — I'm just not ready to get pregnant."
Pregnant. Crap. He hadn't even thought of that. "That's fair," he admitted, still reeling from her words. When he'd thought of the complications of becoming her lover, that just hadn't been one of them. Still, she had a point. Birth control wasn't as easy as a trip to the local commissary anymore. Pregnancies were celebrated — even encouraged. Was a birth control means even available? It had to be, didn't it?
"I mean, there are other ways," she admitted with an embarrassed smile. "It's not like we have to if you get too I mean shit!"
She tucked her face into his chest and just blushed. He knew what she was trying to say, and he appreciated it, but he was still amused by her words. It wasn't as though either of them was a virgin. Still, desperate times could call for desperate measures. He was just about that desperate, but not quite. More than that, he was loving making her blush.
"You have a point," he admitted, watching her forehead as he did so. "And there's a lot to be said for me not laying on top of you in the near future," he added with a smile he couldn't stop. "Then again, you could always take the top"
He stopped, laughing, when her fist connected with his ribs. Okay — enough teasing, that had hurt. "Sorry," he told her. "Couldn't resist. I think I've seen you blush more in the last two days than in the twenty years before. It's kinda sweet."
"You're going to be kinda dead," she growled.
"Kara, there are a lot of ways to"
"True," she admitted, cutting him off before he had to figure out a way to finish his sentence. "And until we can find out what we can do to keep from winding up with a kid out of this deal"
Lee cocked his head sideways as he looked at her. The expression must have been odd, because she got a strange look on her face and stopped.
"What?"
"A kid," he said with a shrug. "I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead. Mostly it's just getting through the day to day. I wondered a little about someday when Sharon had the baby, but it didn't really relate to me."
"Tell me about it," she agreed. "And we're still trying to figure out if we're going to work. I mean, without killing each other."
"True."
"And it isn't like this is a world I really want to bring a kid into, much less raise one in."
"I know."
"And I'm really not even that good with kids. Aaron hates me, you know. He cries every time I look at him."
Lee just smiled.
"What?" she asked suspiciously.
"Just imagining what your kid would be like," he told her with laugh. "Lords, can you imagine the trouble she'd be in?"
At the very least she didn't take offense at the remark. In fact, it didn't seem to register at all. "So we're agreed?" she asked, looking honestly concerned. "No kids. Not yet, anyway."
"No kids," he confirmed. "We can talk to Salik and find out what's available to keep you in the cockpit."
"Okay," she said with a relieved breath. "But until then"
"Until then, I keep my pants zipped," he said wryly. "You're still not moving well enough for me to want to bounce all over you."
Kara laughed at that until she was clutching her sides in clear pain. Despite the discomfort in her expression, he couldn't help but love the sound of her laughter. She had a wonderful laugh. He hadn't heard it nearly enough lately. "Good idea," she finally admitted. "But if you need"
"Thanks," he said honestly. "But, no. I don't mind playing around a little, but when this happens I don't want to be worried about how far to go, or when we have to stop, or any of that other stuff. When it happens, I want it to be" He looked at her for a long moment, reaching up to fiddle with the hair that would not stay where he'd put it, tucked behind her right ear. "I want it right, Kara. I think we've waited too long for this to start out doing things half way."
She nodded, lowering her body back down to the bed with a pained expression and resting her head on his arm, right up next to his shoulder. Automatically, his arm went around her, gently pulling her in towards him. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, grateful that her body was settled along his side rather than his front. He might have definite ideas about the hows and whens of being with her, but his body wasn't quite so particular and could be quite convincing if given the opportunity.
"We didn't get the light," he told her softly. He'd had it on just a little so he could watch her while she was sleeping. It hadn't seemed to bother her, though.
"Leave it," she recommended. "I don't want to move."
He just smiled.
"What were you doing up, anyway?" she asked.
He thought about lying to her, but there didn't seem to be a point. "Just wasn't tired. I didn't want to wake you."
"I'm glad you did," she told him. "I hate nightmares."
"You ready to talk about it?"
"It's dumb."
"Try me," he suggested. "I've had some pretty stupid dreams myself, and some of them kept me up for hours."
"I was on patrol," she said softly. "Then the stars went out like lights, and the canopy turned solid black and started closing in." She shook her head, but he felt the shiver that had gone down her at the memory.
"It doesn't take a psychiatrist to figure that one out," he told her with a gentle squeeze. "You've had a rough week."
"I know, but"
"What?"
"When I start having nightmares about Vipers, it bothers me. It's the one place I really love to be. I don't want this to screw it up. And the only way I know to get past it is to get in the thing and fly — get things back to normal — and it's not a possibility for another couple of weeks at least. So I'm just stuck with it."
He didn't have an answer for her. She was right. "Anything I can do?" he finally asked.
"You're doing it," she said with a gentle squeeze. "You're here."
"It's the best place to be," he told her quietly. "I've always loved holding you. Well, in recent memory, anyway," he added with a chuckle. "Wasn't always thrilled to have my bed invaded at two in the morning when I was a kid."
"You never complained, though," she said softly. "You just squished me in between you and Zak, and more often than not woke up on the floor. Seems like you were always taking care of us."
"Is that bad?"
"No," she admitted. "But sometimes I wonder"
"Spit it out," he told her. He could tell by her tone that he wasn't going to like what came next.
"I guess I wonder if that's still what you're doing, sometimes," she told him. "You take care of the squad, and you keep an eye on your dad for what good it does. I guess it sometimes feels like that's why you're here for me, too. And I don't really mind it," she told him with a quick glance up to meet his eyes. "But I sometimes wonder if you kind of put up with me. Because you have to, or feel like you have to, instead of because you want to."
He thought about it for a moment. His first instinct was to deny it outright, but if she'd been concerned enough to ask he had to at least give the matter some honest consideration. "Obligation, you mean?"
"Yeah," she answered.
He thought some more. "I don't think so," he decided. "Not with you or my dad, actually. Sometimes with the squad, but that's a little different. With you, I stay close because I worry. I need to know you're okay. It's not an obligation, but it's something that I have to do because if you're not okay, then I'm not okay. Does that make any sense?"
"A little," she said. "And your dad?"
He thought some more. "There's obligation," he admitted. "I mean, he took pretty good care of us over the years, and I like being able to give something back even if it's just someone to talk to. But mostly, I think it's because I need him too. We all need him — without a commander we're just drifting — but knowing he's running the show makes me feel a little safer." He shrugged at his own words. "It isn't supposed to make sense. Feelings usually don't."
"So, I'm not a responsibility?" she asked again, seeming to need the confirmation.
"You're a pleasure," he told her with a light kiss to her forehead. "Besides, I got a small glimpse of what it might be like around here without you, and that's something I don't think I can live with. When you were" He took a deep breath and tried again. It hit him at the strangest times, the realization that he could have lost her. He didn't like the absolute fear that the thought brought him. "I need you here," he told her. "With me, as close as possible. So, I guess you're stuck with me."
"I can handle that," she told him. Her voice was sounding sleepy again, and he hoped that she'd drop back off. He had two reasons for that. First, she needed the rest. It was awfully late for her to be up and chatting. And second, he loved to watch her sleep. She didn't relax often, and didn't let down the defenses she shored up against everyone, including him. When she was asleep, she didn't have the guarded expression or the cynical glint in her eye. When she slept, she was just Kara, and not Lieutenant Thrace or Starbuck. When she was Kara, she was his.
"Night, Lee," she mumbled, her hand grabbing a handful of his shirts and holding on tight. He smiled at that, too. Only when she was sleeping did she really admit she needed him. He liked feeling needed. And it didn't have anything to do with obligation, either. It had to do with the way he needed her, and the relief in knowing that it was mutual.
"Night, Kara," he told her softly. But he didn't go to sleep; not for a very long time. He just watched her.