Title: Consequences
Author: Laura Dugan
Feedback: Kindly, at AliasGirl@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it: the show, the characters, nothing. They belong to CBS, Belasarius Productions, and its subsidiaries. I mean no infringement.
Category: Post Ep Persian Gulf, Mac/Harm Romance
Summary: Mac spirals out of control after killing Sadik. Will Harm be able to save her from herself?
Rating: PG
Notes: I had an immediate response to Persian Gulf and the previews for the next episode. This is my interpretation of that episode. Thanks to Arica for helping, in a general sense, with this story. :) Special thanks to Dr. L - the JAG poster inspired me to get his finished!

Chapter 2 :: Recovery

They ate dinner together and Harm found himself gazing at Mac, thinking about what she had told him, now understanding why she had been acting the way she had.

He had been there himself, in that place of total darkness. And nearly every time he found himself getting lost, Mac had pulled him back out.

"Harm?"

"What?" Harm replied, drawn out of his thoughts.

"You were staring at me."

"Sorry."

"What were you thinking?"

Harm sat back in his chair and tossed his napkin on the table. "I was thinking I should thank you."

"Thank me?" she asked, puzzled.

"Yeah, I was just remembering all of the times you did this for me."

"I can safely say I never made you soup," she grinned.

"That's not what I mean. I'm amazed when I think about how many tragedies - both major and minor - we've been through together."

Mac nodded. "I've been thinking the same thing."

"I feel like, at the very least, I owe you a 'thank you' for all the times you stood by me even when I was at my worst."

"Which was quite often." Mac grinned again and Harm smiled too, glad to see her spark returning.

"I'll admit I haven't always been the most pleasant person to be around." Mac looked ready to speak, but Harm shot her a look that stopped her. "Why did you… Well, I guess I know why, but… What made you go after Sadik like you did? Getting the CIA involved?"

Mac stood and carried her dishes over to the sink. "I felt like I owed it to us. All of us - you, me, Gunny, Clay…" she paused at the mention of her boyfriend's name. It made Harm wonder what was going on there. "It overpowered me. Consumed me. All I wanted was to bring him down."

"You were going to him when you stopped by my apartment, weren't you?"

"Yes," Mac said, leaning against the counter, crossing her arms defensively.

"Why didn't you tell me? I knew something was going on, but why didn't you ask me for help?"

"You couldn't hear."

"I could by that point."

"It was something I had to do by myself. I was worried about you, after what happened to your car. I was worried what he'd do to you."

"So you put yourself at risk?" Harm stood, and walked so he was in front of Mac.

"I did what was necessary," she said, bristling. "And I had the CIA backing me up." She narrowed her eyes. "Why does this bother you so much? You pull stuff like this all of the time!"

Harm thought for a moment, trying to come up with an answer that wasn't a double standard. He decided to go with the truth. "Mac, I was terrified. And I hated that I wasn't there to protect you, I mean going after Sadik was completely crazy, not to mention out of character."

"Wait a minute!" Mac interrupted, the fury building.

"Let me finish. I thought it was crazy at first, but no more so than a lot of the stunts I pulled over the years. It's no wonder you were always pissed off at me when I ran off on one mission or another. Especially after I joined the CIA." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "Was it like that for you? An absolutely sickening, terrifying feeling? I hated that you were out there, in harm's way, and there was nothing I could do to save you. And I'm not being sexist. I know that you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. But I was scared for you."

Mac looked at him, bewildered. "Do you know how long I've waited for you to say that? To acknowledge that your actions have consequences? To realize that others are affected by what you do?" She walked into the living room, angry. "I can't tell you how many times I was damning you for leaving me behind as I was praying for you to come back to me. Honestly, Harm, I'm amazed I've stuck around as long as I have."

"Why have you?"

"What?" Mac asked, completed caught off guard.

"Why have you stuck around? We haven't talked about this since Paraguay. I honestly thought after that you'd have nothing to do with me."

"You've grown up over the past few months. Fatherhood suits you."

"I like it." Harm smiled. "But you haven't answered my question."

"I thought that you came over here to bring me back to reality. You've done that."

"Something happened here. Something I don't understand. Our roles have reversed. I used to be the one who needed to be brought back to reality. Who was really good at dodging all of the important questions. You used to get so mad at me."

"I still do."

"Then why won't you tell me what's made you stay?"

Mac stared at him wondering, as well, how their roles had reversed. For the first time, she realized how hard it was to tell him how she felt. Finally understanding why it was so hard for him to do the same. She decided to change the subject. Find a safe zone.

"Clay called me."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"We broke up. Well, he broke up with me, if you can call it that." Harm sat on the couch, wondering where she was heading. "I hadn't seen him for weeks. He called after the whole Sadik thing. He couldn't tell me where he was, of course, or how he found out about it. He called to make sure I was okay, to tell me how glad he was Sadik was dead, and to let me know it was over."

"That's a little harsh, even for Webb."

"It wasn't like that. He didn't just call and say "Good job killing Sadik! Guess what, it's over!"

"Well then what happened?"

Mac plopped down on the couch and stretched her legs across Harm's lap. "Nothing, really. Just another to add to my list of failed relationships."

"You know I'm not going to let you off that easy," Harm pressed.

Mac was replaying the conversation with Clay in her head.

Three days earlier :

"Mac?"

"Clay! Is that you?"

"Yes. How are you? I heard about Sadik."

"I'm okay. He's gone. He's no longer a threat. I have to keep telling myself that over and over."

"He deserved to die," Clay got that serious tone in his voice that sometimes frightened Mac. "I only wish I had gotten the chance to torture him before you put him out of his misery."

Mac remained quiet. "Where are you? When are you coming home?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I'm over seas. That's all…"

"You can tell me," Mac interrupted, offering up her own sigh. "Clay, it's been weeks since I've seen you. I'm okay with distance in a relationship, but this is getting to be a little difficult."

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that." Mac heard voices in the background. "Hold on," Clay said and barked something off in Farsi while it sounded like he was covering the receiver.

"You're getting ready to go where?" Mac asked.

Clay said something else then turned his attention back to the phone. Mac repeated her question. "I'm not used to having a girlfriend who speaks Farsi. Forget what you heard. It doesn't matter."

"Sounded pretty important to me."

"Look, Sarah, about us…" More commotion sounded over the phone line and this time Clay yelled some rather unsavory phrases to whoever was in the background. "I have to go soon, it's getting out of control here. Look, why I called… I wanted to make sure you were okay, but there's something else.

"What is it? Are you okay?" Concern showed through Mac's voice.

"I'm fine, I'm always fine. It's just that… I'm sorry to do this now and I'm sorry to do this over the phone, but I don't think this is going to work out."

"What's not going to work out?"

"Us, as a couple. I care about you, Sarah. I might even love you, but I'm not going to be able to be who you want me to be. Who you need me to be."

"How do you know that? We've hardly spent any time together."

"I know, and that's part of the problem because it's not going to change. It's only going to get worse. I'm about to go deep undercover on a long-term assignment. I don't even know exactly where I'll be going or for how long. But hey, a couple of good things have come from this. We did have some fun together, didn't we?"

Mac smiled. "Yeah, we did. But you said a couple of things. What else?"

6,333 miles away, Clayton Webb grinned and did one of the few selfless acts of his life. "Rabb will be happy."

"Harm? What does he have to do with this?"

"Sarah, I thought by now you'd recognize that the guy is in love with you. Why do you think he hates every man you have ever dated? If you started dating the Pope he'd have a problem with it."

"You can't date the Pope." The answer sounded like a cop out, even to Mac.

"You know that's not what I meant. The nice thing is you're in love with him, too. And I just wish that Harm would get over his ego and tell you how he feels. One of you is going to have to take a risk or you're going to lose each other for good."

"Since when did you become so philosophical?"

"Face death often enough and it hits you." Mac shuddered as he said this, the effects of killing Sadik the previous day just beginning to set in. "Sarah, you are one of my best friends. Probably my only friend. But I'm not right for you. You want the husband, the house, the 2.5 children. As much as Rabb and I don't get along, I know he's the one for you. Take a risk." Before Mac could collect her thoughts and formulate a response, Clay was saying goodbye. "I have to go before it gets any worse over here. I'll try to call you when I can. Goodbye, Sarah."

"Clay!" Mac began, but then she couldn't think of what to say. She could protest, tell Clay that he was wrong, that she was willing to wait for him, to make it work, but she knew it wasn't true. "I love you. Be careful. And I expect lots of gifts when you get back."

"As long as you don't mind a little sand thrown in there with them. Masalaam, Sarah."

"Masalaam, Clay."

Mac hung up the phone, the first inklings of depression beginning to set in. She wasn't exactly depressed at Clay breaking up with her. It was more a feeling of loss, of being alone again, of wondering if she would ever be ready to take a risk. To tell Harm she loved him. To hear him say he loved her back. Or not. She collapsed onto her bed and hardly moved for three days.