Chapter 2: BANDIT! Whatever happened to the Red Priest?
(One day later, Eris and Zelgadis met to discuss everyone's favorite chimera's "master plan." Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were busy fighting monsters, dragons, etc. and could not come but maybe that was for the better.)
Eris: (Still a little dizzy from the poop) Whaa. what were we discussing about Lord Rezo again?
Zelgadis: (Sighs as he explains for the seventeenth time) Eris, I told you seventeen times, I need your help to get my revenge on Rezo!
Eris: But why would you want revenge on Rezo? He's so cute and cuddly.
Zelgadis: (Sweatdrops) Has she ever watched the first series of Slayers in her life??? REZO TURNED ME INTO A CHIMERA!!! I WANT REVENGE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND???
Eris: Somebody should really install an air freshener in that lab it smells like an old, dingy bathroom!
Zelgadis: Eris, use some of the few remaining brain cells you have to listen to me! (Man she sounds like Gourry!) Rezo is EVIL! He turned me into a ROCK PERSON! If you do what I tell you, I'll buy you some new spikes for your shoulders, okay?
Eris: ^-^ (Snapping to attention) New shoulder spikes? What is it? I'll do anything!!!
Zelgadis: (Starts whispering to Eris, who nods periodically) Okay, got that?
Eris: Yep!
Zelgadis: Well I think I'd better tell you again, so you don't forget. (Whispers again.) Now remember Eris, between now and tomorrow DON'T go into that bathroom stall again! I heard all about it from Kopii at the pizza place yesterday, so just go to the tailor, pick up my order, and execute the plan, all right?
Eris: All right! Then can I have the shoulder spikes?
Zelgadis: If you must.
Eris: And get them in black and silver, okay???
Zelgadis: I SAID I'D GET THE STUPID SPIKES NOW GO TO THE TAILOR'S PLACE AND DON'T BUG ME!!!
(Eris runs off babbling like an idiot about shoulder spikes and Rezo. Zelgadis sighs and wonders exactly what he's gotten himself into this time. The next day in Rezo's manor (ya know, the place where he lives) Rezo woke up like usual and eats his breakfast, and he and Eris go up to his room so Rezo could decide what to wear and Eris would make sure it looked sensible, even though his entire wardrobe consisted of multiple copies of the same exact outfit. However, today would be different, since today was the day ERIS EXECUTED ZEL'S MASTER PLAN PHASE 1!!!)
Rezo: (Randomly holds up a robe and shoulder guards out of his closet) Does this look okay?
(Yep.Zel got Eris to switch every last one of Rezo's solid red robes and ordinary shoulder guards with something so utterly degrading that he would never hear the end of it. In this case, it was a Teletubbies-print robe and Blues Clues shoulder guards)
Eris: (Snorting and trying not to laugh) Oh yeah Rezo! That looks.(snicker) wonderful.(starts shaking from holding it in)
Rezo: Really? Is it red???
Eris: (Very quickly) Of course it's red everything in your closet is red otherwise you wouldn't be the red priest, would you? (Falls down on the floor rolling in silent hysterics)
Rezo: (Retreats to the bathroom to change) I don't know, something about you seems a little different today.maybe it's my imagination though, after all, there was that incident two days ago.(Returns to the master bedroom in the children's show ensemble) Eris, what does this outfit say to you?
Eris: Children's-I mean, HORROR show? You look.evil.yes.uh...yes you do.
Rezo: All right then, I guess now I'll go out to destroy that sorceress Lina Inverse, and .uh.her friends.would you care to join me?
Eris: Are you kidding I wouldn't be caught dead with you!
Rezo: What did you say?
Eris: I mean, I can't cause I have to make.uh.possum stew?
Rezo: Did you just say possum stew?
Eris: Yes. Yes I did.
Rezo: What the heck is possum stew? That sounds disgusting!
Eris: It's.uh.a recipe some old dead lady who's dead gave me I think she was my grandpa or something like that but it's been in my family for generations and.
Rezo: Ah, forget it, all I know is I'm going out to lunch today so I don't think I'll be having any of that.uh.possum stew. (Leaves)
Eris: Phew!
(Rezo travels along the countryside, through towns, and stuff like that. The whole time people look at him really weird and keep staring at him, but naturally he doesn't seem to notice. He eventually reaches a creepy forest.)
Rezo: This seems like a nice creepy place where Lina and company would look for things to destroy.
(Sure enough he is knocked off his feet by a huge explosion.)
Lina: FLARE ARROWS! FIREBALL!
Gourry: What were we trying to destroy Lina?
Lina: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! DON'T LEAVE A SINGLE THING INTACT!
Amelia: I don't know something about this seems a bit unjust.
(Just then they notice a sign: "Please be kind to our wildlife. This is a national park any mass destruction will result in a heavy fine and possible imprisonment. Sincerely Prince Philionel of Seiruun.")
Amelia: Whaaa? THIS IS MY DADDY'S PARK! LINA! YOU DESTROYED IT! DADDY'S GONNA BE SO MAD! (Starts bawling)
(Rezo pops out from behind what used to be a tree.)
Rezo: Okay, Lina Inverse, hand the Philosopher's stone over to me!
Lina: I don't have your stupid rock! I just sold it for 4,156,712 gold pieces! And they gave me a nice fancy restaurant to boot.(just notices Rezo's outfit).GEEZ REZO WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHABRANIGDO ARE YOU WEARING YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!!!
Rezo: What? I wear this every day! Just an ordinary red robe with turquoise and gray shoulder guards! What's so funny about that??? (Lina, Gourry, and Amelia stare at him, and then break into uncontrollable laughter. Zelgadis had left the group a while earlier so he wouldn't run into Rezo and immediately get blamed for the mishap.)
Rezo: Oh forget you, I'm going back to my place to change! But I'll be back, believe me!
(The gang ignores him and keeps laughing.)
(One day later, Eris and Zelgadis met to discuss everyone's favorite chimera's "master plan." Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were busy fighting monsters, dragons, etc. and could not come but maybe that was for the better.)
Eris: (Still a little dizzy from the poop) Whaa. what were we discussing about Lord Rezo again?
Zelgadis: (Sighs as he explains for the seventeenth time) Eris, I told you seventeen times, I need your help to get my revenge on Rezo!
Eris: But why would you want revenge on Rezo? He's so cute and cuddly.
Zelgadis: (Sweatdrops) Has she ever watched the first series of Slayers in her life??? REZO TURNED ME INTO A CHIMERA!!! I WANT REVENGE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND???
Eris: Somebody should really install an air freshener in that lab it smells like an old, dingy bathroom!
Zelgadis: Eris, use some of the few remaining brain cells you have to listen to me! (Man she sounds like Gourry!) Rezo is EVIL! He turned me into a ROCK PERSON! If you do what I tell you, I'll buy you some new spikes for your shoulders, okay?
Eris: ^-^ (Snapping to attention) New shoulder spikes? What is it? I'll do anything!!!
Zelgadis: (Starts whispering to Eris, who nods periodically) Okay, got that?
Eris: Yep!
Zelgadis: Well I think I'd better tell you again, so you don't forget. (Whispers again.) Now remember Eris, between now and tomorrow DON'T go into that bathroom stall again! I heard all about it from Kopii at the pizza place yesterday, so just go to the tailor, pick up my order, and execute the plan, all right?
Eris: All right! Then can I have the shoulder spikes?
Zelgadis: If you must.
Eris: And get them in black and silver, okay???
Zelgadis: I SAID I'D GET THE STUPID SPIKES NOW GO TO THE TAILOR'S PLACE AND DON'T BUG ME!!!
(Eris runs off babbling like an idiot about shoulder spikes and Rezo. Zelgadis sighs and wonders exactly what he's gotten himself into this time. The next day in Rezo's manor (ya know, the place where he lives) Rezo woke up like usual and eats his breakfast, and he and Eris go up to his room so Rezo could decide what to wear and Eris would make sure it looked sensible, even though his entire wardrobe consisted of multiple copies of the same exact outfit. However, today would be different, since today was the day ERIS EXECUTED ZEL'S MASTER PLAN PHASE 1!!!)
Rezo: (Randomly holds up a robe and shoulder guards out of his closet) Does this look okay?
(Yep.Zel got Eris to switch every last one of Rezo's solid red robes and ordinary shoulder guards with something so utterly degrading that he would never hear the end of it. In this case, it was a Teletubbies-print robe and Blues Clues shoulder guards)
Eris: (Snorting and trying not to laugh) Oh yeah Rezo! That looks.(snicker) wonderful.(starts shaking from holding it in)
Rezo: Really? Is it red???
Eris: (Very quickly) Of course it's red everything in your closet is red otherwise you wouldn't be the red priest, would you? (Falls down on the floor rolling in silent hysterics)
Rezo: (Retreats to the bathroom to change) I don't know, something about you seems a little different today.maybe it's my imagination though, after all, there was that incident two days ago.(Returns to the master bedroom in the children's show ensemble) Eris, what does this outfit say to you?
Eris: Children's-I mean, HORROR show? You look.evil.yes.uh...yes you do.
Rezo: All right then, I guess now I'll go out to destroy that sorceress Lina Inverse, and .uh.her friends.would you care to join me?
Eris: Are you kidding I wouldn't be caught dead with you!
Rezo: What did you say?
Eris: I mean, I can't cause I have to make.uh.possum stew?
Rezo: Did you just say possum stew?
Eris: Yes. Yes I did.
Rezo: What the heck is possum stew? That sounds disgusting!
Eris: It's.uh.a recipe some old dead lady who's dead gave me I think she was my grandpa or something like that but it's been in my family for generations and.
Rezo: Ah, forget it, all I know is I'm going out to lunch today so I don't think I'll be having any of that.uh.possum stew. (Leaves)
Eris: Phew!
(Rezo travels along the countryside, through towns, and stuff like that. The whole time people look at him really weird and keep staring at him, but naturally he doesn't seem to notice. He eventually reaches a creepy forest.)
Rezo: This seems like a nice creepy place where Lina and company would look for things to destroy.
(Sure enough he is knocked off his feet by a huge explosion.)
Lina: FLARE ARROWS! FIREBALL!
Gourry: What were we trying to destroy Lina?
Lina: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! DON'T LEAVE A SINGLE THING INTACT!
Amelia: I don't know something about this seems a bit unjust.
(Just then they notice a sign: "Please be kind to our wildlife. This is a national park any mass destruction will result in a heavy fine and possible imprisonment. Sincerely Prince Philionel of Seiruun.")
Amelia: Whaaa? THIS IS MY DADDY'S PARK! LINA! YOU DESTROYED IT! DADDY'S GONNA BE SO MAD! (Starts bawling)
(Rezo pops out from behind what used to be a tree.)
Rezo: Okay, Lina Inverse, hand the Philosopher's stone over to me!
Lina: I don't have your stupid rock! I just sold it for 4,156,712 gold pieces! And they gave me a nice fancy restaurant to boot.(just notices Rezo's outfit).GEEZ REZO WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHABRANIGDO ARE YOU WEARING YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!!!
Rezo: What? I wear this every day! Just an ordinary red robe with turquoise and gray shoulder guards! What's so funny about that??? (Lina, Gourry, and Amelia stare at him, and then break into uncontrollable laughter. Zelgadis had left the group a while earlier so he wouldn't run into Rezo and immediately get blamed for the mishap.)
Rezo: Oh forget you, I'm going back to my place to change! But I'll be back, believe me!
(The gang ignores him and keeps laughing.)