Chapter 4: DISGUSTING! Richard Simmons, Possum Stew, and more Fun with
Rezo!
(Zelgadis was now preparing to enter phase 2 of his ingenious plan. However, to successfully accomplish this required the assistance of the single most annoying character ever to walk the face of the planet: Xellos Metallium. Zel and Xel met at on a street corner in Seiruun to negotiate over the terms of the plan.)
Xellos: I don't know, you DID punch me into a barrel of pickles two days ago...
Zelgadis: XELLOS I REALLY NEED YOU!!! I'M DESPERATE!
Xellos: Ohh...well if you're desperate for THAT...
Zelgadis: You sick-o this is NOT a yaoi! It's a PG-rated fic about ME torturing REZO! Now I need YOU to help ME in this teensy little part of the plan, all right?
Xellos: Ah, I understand, but what will I get out of it?
Zelgadis: The pleasure of torturing someone?
Xellos: I know that, but I was thinking more along the lines of...
Zelgadis: I SAID THIS WASN'T A YAOI!!!
Xellos: ^^;;; My, my you sure are dirty, Zelgadis. I meant, like a reward of sorts. You know, like (whispers something to Zelgadis)
Zelgadis: You're kidding me, right? That is the single most childish idea in the world.
Xellos: Hey, it's not MY fault my old Bop-it Extreme broke!
Zelgadis: Whatever you say...
(Back in Rezo's lab, the poop sits in the toilet.)
(However, back in Rezo's MANOR, through a series of threats and beatings Eris returned Rezo's red robes and turquoise shoulder guards to their rightful owner. Rezo, now dressed like usual, walks into the main hall to find that Kopii was indeed hooked on phonics...uh...I mean, Richard Simmons.)
Richard Simmons: Okay baby, work it work it! Jump in the air! Like you just don't care!
(Kopii jumps high and lands with a crash, creating a hole in the floor. It knocks Rezo off his feet. Rezo hits his head on the floor and Kopii jumps again, this time falling through to the basement.)
Kopii: I JUST DON'T CARE!!!!!!
Rezo: Frankly I've noticed... (rubs his sore head and gets up, then goes into the kitchen.) Hey Eris, that possum stew smells surprisingly appetizing.
Eris: Oh...right...(Looks around the kitchen; nothing's cooking.) That was...uh...the new air freshener I bought for the lab...
(Just then, the doorbell rings)
Rezo: I'll get it... (Opens the door. Xellos is standing there grinning.)
Xellos: ^_^ Ah Rezo, my old pal! My buddy! My friend! My amigo! My enchilada!
Rezo: I swear I don't know who the heck you are but go away NOW.
Xellos: What? You mean you don't recognize me, your good friend Xellos, mysterious priest?
Rezo: Oh...no. I've never seen you in my life. Now get out.
Xellos: (Ignores him and walks inside) My, my, what a lovely place you've got here! Is this that new Richard Simmons tape? You have impeccable taste!
Rezo: LEAVE THE VICINITY AT ONCE OR I'LL CALL THE COPS!!!
Xellos: No need to be hostile, but if I leave, then you wouldn't be able to obtain these tickets I found, now would you?
Rezo: Wait...what tickets?
Xellos: (Puts his finger to his lips and closes one eye) Now THAT is a secret!
Rezo: Cut the crap what have you got???
Xellos: Relax, they're tickets to...(examines tickets; they say, "Free pass to Safari World: Real Lions! Real Tigers! Real Danger! Get thrown into pit of doom, death, and...other things...at Safari world!) ...Uh... (Almost gagging on the words) lovely, lovely, flowery hot spring...
Rezo: Flowers? Hot springs? Sounds relaxing.
Xellos: Yeah, I bet it is...
Rezo: I need to relax. Have you been there before?
Xellos: (finger to lips, one eye closed, yadda, yadda, yadda) Now THAT is a secret!
Rezo: (Figured he'd say that). Just tell me how to get there....
(Xellos reads the directions to Rezo off the back of the tickets until he has memorized it, then leaves for who-knows where, leaving Rezo with the tickets. Rezo leaves for the designated location and when he arrives, an old crusty guy with a Steve Irwin voice pulls up beside him in a clankety old jeep.)
Guy: Hey there mate! You here for the time of your life?
Rezo: I guess...(Wow, these hot spring people sure are enthusiastic!)
Guy: ALL RIGHT THEN PILE IN!!!
(Rezo hops into the jeep and they pull out into the open safari zone.)
Guy: Watch out matey! There's some buggers 'ere that like to JUMP out at yeh!
Rezo: Oh...is that so? (Spa people like to jump out at their customers? Sounds like a loving place after all...I'll have to thank that Xellos guy later...)
Guy: Yeh don' have to be scared matey! Yeh can open yer eyes, ya know?
Rezo: (I wish I could...)
Guy: Crikey! We're pullin' up to the pit! Hang on!
Rezo: -_- (Translation: O_o) The pit?
Guy: Didn't yeh read the brochure?
Rezo: Uh...yeah...? Someone read it to me...
Guy: Then yeh know ALL about the dangers of this place, right?
Rezo: Dangers...? (I never knew a hot spring spa could be dangerous, what, could someone spill cream on you or something?)
Guy: Here! Take THIS! (hands Rezo a spear)
Rezo: What is this? I already have a staff!
Guy: It's yer DEFENSE, matey!
Rezo: (I guess he was right that those people jump out at you...)
Guy: OH NO WE'RE PULLIN' UP TO TH' BUNGALOW!!! Be VEEEERRRRY careful or yeh might get hit by one of them! (Points to something, Rezo takes no notice)
Rezo: (Get hit, what do these people do, slap us with towels?)
(All of a sudden a giant man-eating lion jumps out and impales the side of the jeep)
Guy: CRIKEY!! IT'S THE LEADER OF TH' PACK!
Rezo: Oh, you mean the manager? Good, should I hand him this get-in-free ticket?
Guy: What, do yeh want to get yerself killed? Are you blind or something?
Rezo: (Man he catches on quickly) I don't think he'll hurt me for handing him this coupon...
Guy: Well, suit yerself...
(Rezo jumps out of the jeep, and is immediately attacked by a rabid pack of lions. After a long period of time in which he is bitten, scratched, impaled, and whatnot, he finally manages to defeat them with a single fireball. He stands in the middle of the safari zone, bewildered and confused, not knowing which way to go to the exit...for the next couple of hours...)
(Zelgadis was now preparing to enter phase 2 of his ingenious plan. However, to successfully accomplish this required the assistance of the single most annoying character ever to walk the face of the planet: Xellos Metallium. Zel and Xel met at on a street corner in Seiruun to negotiate over the terms of the plan.)
Xellos: I don't know, you DID punch me into a barrel of pickles two days ago...
Zelgadis: XELLOS I REALLY NEED YOU!!! I'M DESPERATE!
Xellos: Ohh...well if you're desperate for THAT...
Zelgadis: You sick-o this is NOT a yaoi! It's a PG-rated fic about ME torturing REZO! Now I need YOU to help ME in this teensy little part of the plan, all right?
Xellos: Ah, I understand, but what will I get out of it?
Zelgadis: The pleasure of torturing someone?
Xellos: I know that, but I was thinking more along the lines of...
Zelgadis: I SAID THIS WASN'T A YAOI!!!
Xellos: ^^;;; My, my you sure are dirty, Zelgadis. I meant, like a reward of sorts. You know, like (whispers something to Zelgadis)
Zelgadis: You're kidding me, right? That is the single most childish idea in the world.
Xellos: Hey, it's not MY fault my old Bop-it Extreme broke!
Zelgadis: Whatever you say...
(Back in Rezo's lab, the poop sits in the toilet.)
(However, back in Rezo's MANOR, through a series of threats and beatings Eris returned Rezo's red robes and turquoise shoulder guards to their rightful owner. Rezo, now dressed like usual, walks into the main hall to find that Kopii was indeed hooked on phonics...uh...I mean, Richard Simmons.)
Richard Simmons: Okay baby, work it work it! Jump in the air! Like you just don't care!
(Kopii jumps high and lands with a crash, creating a hole in the floor. It knocks Rezo off his feet. Rezo hits his head on the floor and Kopii jumps again, this time falling through to the basement.)
Kopii: I JUST DON'T CARE!!!!!!
Rezo: Frankly I've noticed... (rubs his sore head and gets up, then goes into the kitchen.) Hey Eris, that possum stew smells surprisingly appetizing.
Eris: Oh...right...(Looks around the kitchen; nothing's cooking.) That was...uh...the new air freshener I bought for the lab...
(Just then, the doorbell rings)
Rezo: I'll get it... (Opens the door. Xellos is standing there grinning.)
Xellos: ^_^ Ah Rezo, my old pal! My buddy! My friend! My amigo! My enchilada!
Rezo: I swear I don't know who the heck you are but go away NOW.
Xellos: What? You mean you don't recognize me, your good friend Xellos, mysterious priest?
Rezo: Oh...no. I've never seen you in my life. Now get out.
Xellos: (Ignores him and walks inside) My, my, what a lovely place you've got here! Is this that new Richard Simmons tape? You have impeccable taste!
Rezo: LEAVE THE VICINITY AT ONCE OR I'LL CALL THE COPS!!!
Xellos: No need to be hostile, but if I leave, then you wouldn't be able to obtain these tickets I found, now would you?
Rezo: Wait...what tickets?
Xellos: (Puts his finger to his lips and closes one eye) Now THAT is a secret!
Rezo: Cut the crap what have you got???
Xellos: Relax, they're tickets to...(examines tickets; they say, "Free pass to Safari World: Real Lions! Real Tigers! Real Danger! Get thrown into pit of doom, death, and...other things...at Safari world!) ...Uh... (Almost gagging on the words) lovely, lovely, flowery hot spring...
Rezo: Flowers? Hot springs? Sounds relaxing.
Xellos: Yeah, I bet it is...
Rezo: I need to relax. Have you been there before?
Xellos: (finger to lips, one eye closed, yadda, yadda, yadda) Now THAT is a secret!
Rezo: (Figured he'd say that). Just tell me how to get there....
(Xellos reads the directions to Rezo off the back of the tickets until he has memorized it, then leaves for who-knows where, leaving Rezo with the tickets. Rezo leaves for the designated location and when he arrives, an old crusty guy with a Steve Irwin voice pulls up beside him in a clankety old jeep.)
Guy: Hey there mate! You here for the time of your life?
Rezo: I guess...(Wow, these hot spring people sure are enthusiastic!)
Guy: ALL RIGHT THEN PILE IN!!!
(Rezo hops into the jeep and they pull out into the open safari zone.)
Guy: Watch out matey! There's some buggers 'ere that like to JUMP out at yeh!
Rezo: Oh...is that so? (Spa people like to jump out at their customers? Sounds like a loving place after all...I'll have to thank that Xellos guy later...)
Guy: Yeh don' have to be scared matey! Yeh can open yer eyes, ya know?
Rezo: (I wish I could...)
Guy: Crikey! We're pullin' up to the pit! Hang on!
Rezo: -_- (Translation: O_o) The pit?
Guy: Didn't yeh read the brochure?
Rezo: Uh...yeah...? Someone read it to me...
Guy: Then yeh know ALL about the dangers of this place, right?
Rezo: Dangers...? (I never knew a hot spring spa could be dangerous, what, could someone spill cream on you or something?)
Guy: Here! Take THIS! (hands Rezo a spear)
Rezo: What is this? I already have a staff!
Guy: It's yer DEFENSE, matey!
Rezo: (I guess he was right that those people jump out at you...)
Guy: OH NO WE'RE PULLIN' UP TO TH' BUNGALOW!!! Be VEEEERRRRY careful or yeh might get hit by one of them! (Points to something, Rezo takes no notice)
Rezo: (Get hit, what do these people do, slap us with towels?)
(All of a sudden a giant man-eating lion jumps out and impales the side of the jeep)
Guy: CRIKEY!! IT'S THE LEADER OF TH' PACK!
Rezo: Oh, you mean the manager? Good, should I hand him this get-in-free ticket?
Guy: What, do yeh want to get yerself killed? Are you blind or something?
Rezo: (Man he catches on quickly) I don't think he'll hurt me for handing him this coupon...
Guy: Well, suit yerself...
(Rezo jumps out of the jeep, and is immediately attacked by a rabid pack of lions. After a long period of time in which he is bitten, scratched, impaled, and whatnot, he finally manages to defeat them with a single fireball. He stands in the middle of the safari zone, bewildered and confused, not knowing which way to go to the exit...for the next couple of hours...)