Not Pretty Enough
~
In Honor of the love couple
For Aeris fans
As always
Mysterio000
p.s. the almighty one!
*
Tifa Lockheart is really a beautiful girl.
She has nice, long brown hair that curls at the end and big beautiful eyes that sparkle when she speaks. There is something in the way she stands, walks and does everything that makes her attractive to many men. Her figure, shaped perfectly like an hour-glass, is nothing compared like mine.
Many a times, in a way, I do wish I were her, even if it is only for a day. It's not like I hate myself or anything, or I'm trying my best to degrade myself. But there are times when standing beside a girl like her would make me pale in comparison. The difference would be great, the contradiction obvious.
I am Aeris Gainsborough and I will admit that I am not beautiful at all. I don't have the velvety, flowing locks that Tifa have, or her sparkling eyes. I wear my brown hair up in a braid, held tight by a light pink ribbon. I don't have the mesmerizing figure that she possesses, nor the fighting abilities that she easily carries out.
In another way, I'm just preferably known as the flower girl. Or perhaps, that is what everybody came to know me as. It's not like I mind that, anyway. I've always enjoyed selling flowers in the slums ever since I was little. Somehow, I am secretly glad that I became one. That was how I came to known him anyway.
Cloud Strife, the unbreakable soldier that I came to know when he fell through my roof one fine day. At first gaze, I knew there was something more in him that had me entranced immediately. Maybe it was his special Mako eyes, or his mysterious character, or his unique spiky blond hair. Either way, nothing really mattered because gradually and helplessly, I began to fall for him by a distance.
I know Tifa have feelings for him, too, because every time she mentions his name, there will always be this shy little twinkle in her eyes. If Cloud is there to watch, I'm sure Cloud will feel really complimented.
Don't get me wrong. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards Tifa like many will think I do. She's a really good friend to me and I don't ever think I will turn my back against her no matter how much this 'love triangle' story goes on. But I'm still human, too, and a rather fragile and vulnerable one at that. Sometimes I'll have to admit that watching Tifa and Cloud together hurts me. There will always be these jealousy pangs hitting on me but I always try my hardest to brush them away. If Cloud feels happy beside Tifa, then I will keep a distance from them.
Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockheart. They are the picture-perfect couple to many out there. And why not? And where do I fit in from here? I can't see myself in them, and it fills me with guilt to vision myself standing in between them. They paint a happy picture. I will only ruin and tear it apart.
Cloud is this enigmatic sword-wielder who deserves a woman who is equally strong in character. Somebody optimistic, determined and confident. Someone who is really beautiful on the outside and the inside. Someone…Someone like Tifa?
I…I think so.
Where am I? I'm never going to be good enough for a man like Cloud. I'm not whole enough; I'm not strong enough. I'm Aeris, the weak, vulnerable damsel-in-distress flower girl. Why should Cloud push aside a wonderful girl like Tifa and come after me? It's not like I have any special qualities to begin with. I'm not even pretty enough for him. I'm no good at all.
"Aeris?"
I hear that voice - Cloud's. His footsteps are pacing towards my direction at the balcony, those pitter-patter sounds that I worship each time I hear them. I turn around and try a bright smile as I watch his usual marine eyes comb the scenery before us. It's a breezy late evening out here and the sun fading away casts a captivating image across the thousand ripples of the sea.
"Hello, Cloud." I answer back, unsure of where to begin myself. To Cloud, I'm always rather cheerful, but it actually takes me a lot to look into his eyes and smile happily. Because…Because I'm not really happy. I just wish…
I just wish this wasn't a one-sided love I've gotten myself in. Unrequited love, is that what you call it? It's like the man I like has a potential partner already and here I am, still clinging on my hopes onto him. I feel so guilty.
"What are you thinking about?" I tease him lightly in hope to break the quiet atmosphere. His eyes are still wandering along the borders of the sea, as though trying to search for something in vain.
"Nothing…" He doesn't speak anymore.
I really don't know what to think. I feel this jealousy pang hitting on me again and this time, it is harder to ignore it. Much harder.
I've seen Tifa and Cloud conversing more than enough times to understand that this girl can make the soldier laugh and chit-chat away without another care for the world. She has managed to do and accomplish what I haven't. To make him smile, to make him laugh, I couldn't do all that. At least, not as much as Tifa can.
With me, he's always this quiet. But why? Is it because he thinks I don't understand him enough? Or because he feels he can't open up to me? Because I'm not the one he likes? Because he despises me? Because I'm a burden to me?
Because…? Because?
Why?
Why can't he talk to me like he can with Tifa? Am I really, really not good enough for him? Where did I flaw? Where did I go wrong? What have I done wrong?
As I watch his eyes advert into another direction yet again, I can't help as the first tear begin to bite at my lashes. I don't want the tears to come just yet. Not when he's still with me. The one I loved.
But if there were words he could tell me, what would they be?
I'm sorry but you're not pretty enough for me…
You're just not Tifa…
You're just a mere flower girl, Aeris.
A mere flower girl…
I'm only a flower girl…
And always will be.
Have I lost to Tifa? Have I lost the final pages of this 'love triangle' story? Where have I gone wrong?
Somebody tell me…
Cloud…
His blue eyes will never focus on my emerald ones. No matter how hard I try, how matter how much I struggle to have him open up to me, I will never do as good a job as Tifa does. I'm just too simply stupid. I don't even have anything to win his heart. I'm so stupid to even think I stand a chance.
Everything began with a wishful thinking on my part. But then…Why do I still love him knowing all these?
Because I just do.
"Aeris, have you seen Tifa just now?" He asks me out of the blue, shaking me out of my thoughts.
So it was Tifa all the while he was thinking about? I…I think I do understand now.
"No…Is she missing?" My voice becomes less than a whisper. I am trying hard not to break down this moment.
"Don't say that." Cloud responds back almost immediately, his tone stricter and much more firm.
I can see now how much he cares about Tifa. He wants to protect her; he wants to make sure nothing happens to her. He even queries about her when he just hasn't seen her for a few hours.
What about me? Does he ever ask anything about me? Does he even care if I go for missing for a day? A day and not just a few hours? I will be glad if he would even ask a single 'how are you' for just ONCE. Once. That is all I ask for. I don't even care if he turns his back on me for the rest of his life. Just once showing that he really does care for me.
But that is just impossible. I am Aeris Gainsborough, aren't I? I'm not significant enough to be in his life, much less, part of his life. I'm such a failure, in life and love.
"I'm sorry. I was just asking." I don't really know what else to say but to look into his eyes and hopefully pray he'll accept my apology. If only that worry look in his eyes was for me. Me and nobody else.
I am such a dreamer.
He looks away, suddenly dipping down his head. Why? Is it my fault? Did I make him sad by mentioning about Tifa? I don't mind if he cares about her. I just want him to be happy. Why do I always end up doing everything wrong?
I want to apologize and tell him I'm sorry for talking about Tifa like that. But I can't find the words and I really still don't know what to say.
I'm always such a failure.
Maybe that's why Cloud doesn't like me. I'll never be good enough.
"Cloud, there you are!" Tifa hollers from behind. I turn around to see the pretty lass waving happily at Tifa. On call, the spiky-haired soldier doubled his pace by a few notches to her side.
I don't think it is my imagination that the both of them have little smiles on their faces. Immediately, I feel this sense of loss overwhelming my entire body. Thoughts of losing Cloud to such a beautiful lady engulf me. I don't really deserve such a good man.
I leave them to their conversation by turning away to the scenery lying before me once more. On occasions, I can hear Cloud speaking louder than he can ever speak to me before. Why doesn't it happen to me?
I'm so lousy. I can't even make him smile.
Cloud and Tifa, the perfect couple.
I'm sorry I even tried to fit into that portrait.
I…I'm just this mere flower girl. I can't win the heart of a soldier. I just don't hold this power.
I'm just not pretty enough.
I'll never be good enough, too.
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's
real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can
*
Credits to Kasey Chambers for her song, Not Pretty Enough.
Apologies for making it sound too depressing or making it seem a lot more like a CloTi. I just wanted to focus more on her feelings towards the both of them and how she felt when she thought it was unrequited love she got herself into.
As always
Mysterio000
p.s. the almighty one!