The shock I felt through my body sent me into the darkness once
again. But I was not afraid. Not at all. Actually....I welcomed it......
Death seemed to be my only answer. I knew that tonight was my last night on
this earth... I found myself once again alone. I knew that the place I was
in was so deep within myself that only the black panther could save me. His
golden eyes leading me out of there. I have been here many times. But
everytime I waited it never came.....The light that was somewhere in this
cold place had never found me...Until tonight......
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind... Maybe I'm just blind...
Opening my eyes I encountered the golden one's. Those beautiful eyes I have been searching for. Finaly. It's here. To my surprise the panther became diffrent.....It turned into....a man. He wrapped his arms around me...... And let me cry upon his shoulder.....I felt like I never wanted to dissapointed him..... I wanted to remain by this panthers side forever..... I held on to him tighter. I did not care if death was upon me. I had found what I had been searching for......
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone Love me when I'm gone...
His voice was smooth. Like a god of pain. Like the water that rushed through the river every day...... "Please little one...Tell me, why do you hide yourself behind a mask?" I was shocked. I'm sorry....I knew he was the only one who I could depend on. But I had just remembered that face. The face of the killer. My thoughts filled with disgust as I pulled away from him. But what now really surprised me was that my pain was still upon my face. The feelings I had been containing for so long....where showing...But how?
When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
*Flashback*
"Kaoru? Why do you always keep that same look. Why do you not feel pain. Or hate?" I looked up to the concerned black one's. I could not bear this pain anymore. I spilled everything. He acted as if he understood. Pretened nothing bad would ever happen to me.....He lied.......
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
He came to my house one night. Told me that he had a party at his home. He told me that it would be the next night. I nodded. After all. Of course I would go. He was showing me the true way to live...At least...that's what I thought.....
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
That night was the night I wore the mask for the final time. I had arrived to find him. He lay with another woman. He smirked as he saw I had came in on the scene. "Dear Kaoru, I was hoping to break your heart sooner or later. After all....You where only a bet....."
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
My eyes widened. A bet. This was all a bet! My eyes filled with tears and before I ran out I said something to him that hurt me more then him. "I loved you.....But now....... you have truly killen me, Enishi." With that I ran. Never to look upon his face again. Never to shed another tear in front of anyone. I would remain emotionless.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
*End FlashBack*
I stood. My hand aimed for his sword. I was to kill myself. That way I would not have to remember these dark memories. But I had failed. Instead of killing myself I was thrown to the ground. I looked up at two concerned eyes. Tears on the serge of spilling. What had he done to let me show tears in front of someone? What?!
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
"I have broken an eighth (1/8) of your mask little one." I stared at him. There was no way.... "And I intend on breaking the entire mask..." I stared at him... I was scared. I was deeply scared. I did not show it. But for some reason I felt he knew. The golden panther I had been waiting for has finaly come.....was this what I wanted?..........Yes.........
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
"Now tell me of what happened. Tell me what has caused this to happen." My eyes held puzzelment. But the glint was gone as quickly as it came. "I cannot tell anyone of it." I was startled when he just smiled and opened a door. "You will tell me when you are ready." Oh, but I would not! I was going to be normal! And as I made my way towards him I pushed aside the dark thoughts. And tried my best to heal the broken mask..
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
He walked at a steady pase in front of mine. I watched every move as we walked towards a door. Inside I could hear voices. The problem was......one sounded familiar....Too familiar!
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
The first thing my eyes met when the door was opened where two black one's. I almost screamed. Everyone in the room turned and stared at the two guests. Everyone. Even him........Enishi Yukishiro................
It's easier to run
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's easier to go
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
The next thing I knew was that I was being held back by the assasin's two hands as I began to scream and try to get out of there. I did not want to see his face. Never! And unknown to me, another part of my mask had just been broken. My fear. It began to show.......
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust none and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm streached so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself, myself...
"Let go of me! Let go of ME!" I kicked him again and again but to no avail. I was taken into the room. The room where the darkness began to overtake me again. As my mind faded from the room my eyes clearly showed the tears of fright....of fright...and pain.....
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
Everyone was still apauled by my actions that none moved. But my eyes where cast towards one indivedual. His shock......was soon turned into a teasing smirk. My hate grew. My fear grew....But only my fear showed. Not to my realization I had grabbed onto the assasin's hand. But I quickly let go. There was one emotion that had never left my face. After that time he had broken my heart. The feeling so strong no one could break......stuck to me like glue. The feeling called....Courage.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
Our glaring contest was soon cut of as he spoke. "You know.....She was much prettier then you." Pain washed over my courage. Everyone but me and him knew what it meant. And I was determined to keep it that way. I was stubborn. And I would not back down. If I where to face him I would not turn my back. Because if I did....I would become the prey......
If I
Turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself [myself]
"Hey Kenshin?! Are you gonna tell us why you did not kill her?" I turned to see the man who had called the assasin Kenshin.... A beautiful name.....Unlike his which I remember had been called Sano. "Simple, he want's her as his whore! Once your done I wan't some...." The man shut his mouth as soon as a deadly glare met his. "You shall not lay a hand on her." Enishi raised his eyebrow... I wanted to jump at him and rip out his heart. But I kept those nice thoughts to myself....
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
"I have not killed her for one simple reason. I am the black panther. Right Kaoru?" I did not move. I did not nod. I just put the disgusting mask on. The one that blinded everyone. Everyone but two. "You foolish woman! Even after all these years you still wait for that rideculess panther! I told you sweety! It's only a fairy tale!" Tears threatened to spill...My heart acked once again.....I did not want to be here.....I did not want to look at him........
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I gazed into the eyes of the others. Each asking the same painful question. How do I know Enishi? I could not take this any longer. I did not care any further. I did the only thing I could think of.......I ran.........
How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to
I was now running down a long dark hallway.....I was frightened. But that was enough to keep my feet going. It felt like hours now. I was lost once more. But this time I did not wait for the black panther....No.....I would do this by myself....... But to my acking feet's hate I came face to face with lustfull men. And they wanted to do more then show me out........
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
I heard the door slide open. And turned to face the assasin's from earliar. "Kaoru? What happened?" I looked at the pa-Kenshin.... I did not remember when. But I knew how. All the men remained on the floor. Each unconsious.....I was in flee when I did this. They had attacked me. And as a reflex I did the same. I fought back....
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
That night I was led back into Kenshin's apartement. He had made sure to keep me away from Enishi. But it was of no use....He would hide behind corners. Make me cry or fall to my knee's in pain.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
"You know little one....You should be happy. Today we broke 2/8's of your mask. Fear and Pain." I looked at him and hid my emotions. Was this finaly going to happen. Was I really going to become free?"
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some parts of this story is based upon my life...... Exept unlike Kaoru I am still waiting for my black panther to come and break this mask off me. And yes, her brother is based of mine. And the mom as well. They do that alot.... They can be nice sometimes but I am mostly like Kaoru. I feel like this alot.......... And no, I would NEVER think of suicide. UNLIKE Kaoru, I know that I can get help from friends. Even though I still wear this horrible mask.
The mask originally originated when I was in sixth grade. We had a sub (Teacher) and I wanted to be kind to him. I was helping in anything I could. Then it came.....He asked me to write things on the board for him. A girl....She began to chant names....cruel names........... I cried that day.....for the last time........
If you want to know more about where this mask originated ask on your review and I will tell you more......Thank you to all the reviewer's and sorry if I do not name you......
Reviewers ~~~~~~~~
Dark-Death-Angel: Thank you! I was really in this mood to write this......I will try to update as soon as possible! ^-^
^^: Arigato, and yes. The first song is My immortal.
Silver Eyes Bright: Thanks!
Paisita: I LOVE the song My immortal too! My life really is like that....exept for the part where she gets saved and I don't........
PoPlAr: Kaoru has no expression on her face what so ever. It is either she is emotionless or she has a smile. You pick... Thank you for your suggestion I would put it in angst, but believe me....The story won't stay angst for "too" long..... Thank you! Ja!
ToHeLlWiThThEnIcKs: THANK YOU! And I was crying when I wrote these chapter's.... Thank you and I appreiciate it! I will try to update soon! Sayonara!
Sorry for those I have missed!
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind... Maybe I'm just blind...
Opening my eyes I encountered the golden one's. Those beautiful eyes I have been searching for. Finaly. It's here. To my surprise the panther became diffrent.....It turned into....a man. He wrapped his arms around me...... And let me cry upon his shoulder.....I felt like I never wanted to dissapointed him..... I wanted to remain by this panthers side forever..... I held on to him tighter. I did not care if death was upon me. I had found what I had been searching for......
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone Love me when I'm gone...
His voice was smooth. Like a god of pain. Like the water that rushed through the river every day...... "Please little one...Tell me, why do you hide yourself behind a mask?" I was shocked. I'm sorry....I knew he was the only one who I could depend on. But I had just remembered that face. The face of the killer. My thoughts filled with disgust as I pulled away from him. But what now really surprised me was that my pain was still upon my face. The feelings I had been containing for so long....where showing...But how?
When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
*Flashback*
"Kaoru? Why do you always keep that same look. Why do you not feel pain. Or hate?" I looked up to the concerned black one's. I could not bear this pain anymore. I spilled everything. He acted as if he understood. Pretened nothing bad would ever happen to me.....He lied.......
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
He came to my house one night. Told me that he had a party at his home. He told me that it would be the next night. I nodded. After all. Of course I would go. He was showing me the true way to live...At least...that's what I thought.....
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
That night was the night I wore the mask for the final time. I had arrived to find him. He lay with another woman. He smirked as he saw I had came in on the scene. "Dear Kaoru, I was hoping to break your heart sooner or later. After all....You where only a bet....."
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
My eyes widened. A bet. This was all a bet! My eyes filled with tears and before I ran out I said something to him that hurt me more then him. "I loved you.....But now....... you have truly killen me, Enishi." With that I ran. Never to look upon his face again. Never to shed another tear in front of anyone. I would remain emotionless.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
*End FlashBack*
I stood. My hand aimed for his sword. I was to kill myself. That way I would not have to remember these dark memories. But I had failed. Instead of killing myself I was thrown to the ground. I looked up at two concerned eyes. Tears on the serge of spilling. What had he done to let me show tears in front of someone? What?!
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
"I have broken an eighth (1/8) of your mask little one." I stared at him. There was no way.... "And I intend on breaking the entire mask..." I stared at him... I was scared. I was deeply scared. I did not show it. But for some reason I felt he knew. The golden panther I had been waiting for has finaly come.....was this what I wanted?..........Yes.........
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
"Now tell me of what happened. Tell me what has caused this to happen." My eyes held puzzelment. But the glint was gone as quickly as it came. "I cannot tell anyone of it." I was startled when he just smiled and opened a door. "You will tell me when you are ready." Oh, but I would not! I was going to be normal! And as I made my way towards him I pushed aside the dark thoughts. And tried my best to heal the broken mask..
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
He walked at a steady pase in front of mine. I watched every move as we walked towards a door. Inside I could hear voices. The problem was......one sounded familiar....Too familiar!
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
The first thing my eyes met when the door was opened where two black one's. I almost screamed. Everyone in the room turned and stared at the two guests. Everyone. Even him........Enishi Yukishiro................
It's easier to run
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's easier to go
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
The next thing I knew was that I was being held back by the assasin's two hands as I began to scream and try to get out of there. I did not want to see his face. Never! And unknown to me, another part of my mask had just been broken. My fear. It began to show.......
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust none and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm streached so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself, myself...
"Let go of me! Let go of ME!" I kicked him again and again but to no avail. I was taken into the room. The room where the darkness began to overtake me again. As my mind faded from the room my eyes clearly showed the tears of fright....of fright...and pain.....
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
Everyone was still apauled by my actions that none moved. But my eyes where cast towards one indivedual. His shock......was soon turned into a teasing smirk. My hate grew. My fear grew....But only my fear showed. Not to my realization I had grabbed onto the assasin's hand. But I quickly let go. There was one emotion that had never left my face. After that time he had broken my heart. The feeling so strong no one could break......stuck to me like glue. The feeling called....Courage.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
Our glaring contest was soon cut of as he spoke. "You know.....She was much prettier then you." Pain washed over my courage. Everyone but me and him knew what it meant. And I was determined to keep it that way. I was stubborn. And I would not back down. If I where to face him I would not turn my back. Because if I did....I would become the prey......
If I
Turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself [myself]
"Hey Kenshin?! Are you gonna tell us why you did not kill her?" I turned to see the man who had called the assasin Kenshin.... A beautiful name.....Unlike his which I remember had been called Sano. "Simple, he want's her as his whore! Once your done I wan't some...." The man shut his mouth as soon as a deadly glare met his. "You shall not lay a hand on her." Enishi raised his eyebrow... I wanted to jump at him and rip out his heart. But I kept those nice thoughts to myself....
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
"I have not killed her for one simple reason. I am the black panther. Right Kaoru?" I did not move. I did not nod. I just put the disgusting mask on. The one that blinded everyone. Everyone but two. "You foolish woman! Even after all these years you still wait for that rideculess panther! I told you sweety! It's only a fairy tale!" Tears threatened to spill...My heart acked once again.....I did not want to be here.....I did not want to look at him........
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I gazed into the eyes of the others. Each asking the same painful question. How do I know Enishi? I could not take this any longer. I did not care any further. I did the only thing I could think of.......I ran.........
How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to
I was now running down a long dark hallway.....I was frightened. But that was enough to keep my feet going. It felt like hours now. I was lost once more. But this time I did not wait for the black panther....No.....I would do this by myself....... But to my acking feet's hate I came face to face with lustfull men. And they wanted to do more then show me out........
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
I heard the door slide open. And turned to face the assasin's from earliar. "Kaoru? What happened?" I looked at the pa-Kenshin.... I did not remember when. But I knew how. All the men remained on the floor. Each unconsious.....I was in flee when I did this. They had attacked me. And as a reflex I did the same. I fought back....
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
That night I was led back into Kenshin's apartement. He had made sure to keep me away from Enishi. But it was of no use....He would hide behind corners. Make me cry or fall to my knee's in pain.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
"You know little one....You should be happy. Today we broke 2/8's of your mask. Fear and Pain." I looked at him and hid my emotions. Was this finaly going to happen. Was I really going to become free?"
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some parts of this story is based upon my life...... Exept unlike Kaoru I am still waiting for my black panther to come and break this mask off me. And yes, her brother is based of mine. And the mom as well. They do that alot.... They can be nice sometimes but I am mostly like Kaoru. I feel like this alot.......... And no, I would NEVER think of suicide. UNLIKE Kaoru, I know that I can get help from friends. Even though I still wear this horrible mask.
The mask originally originated when I was in sixth grade. We had a sub (Teacher) and I wanted to be kind to him. I was helping in anything I could. Then it came.....He asked me to write things on the board for him. A girl....She began to chant names....cruel names........... I cried that day.....for the last time........
If you want to know more about where this mask originated ask on your review and I will tell you more......Thank you to all the reviewer's and sorry if I do not name you......
Reviewers ~~~~~~~~
Dark-Death-Angel: Thank you! I was really in this mood to write this......I will try to update as soon as possible! ^-^
^^: Arigato, and yes. The first song is My immortal.
Silver Eyes Bright: Thanks!
Paisita: I LOVE the song My immortal too! My life really is like that....exept for the part where she gets saved and I don't........
PoPlAr: Kaoru has no expression on her face what so ever. It is either she is emotionless or she has a smile. You pick... Thank you for your suggestion I would put it in angst, but believe me....The story won't stay angst for "too" long..... Thank you! Ja!
ToHeLlWiThThEnIcKs: THANK YOU! And I was crying when I wrote these chapter's.... Thank you and I appreiciate it! I will try to update soon! Sayonara!
Sorry for those I have missed!