Beyond Essence : Part One, Chapter One
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Riku
The one thing about Kingdom Hearts that I really hated most was that it always rained. It always rained. I couldn't remember a time where the sun was out. Well, that's probably because there is no sun here. It's just…dark… That's really the only way that I can think of to describe it. If you asked me to sum up Kingdom Hearts in one word, I would have to say dark. And by dark I don't just mean the color of the atmosphere…
I mean everything.
The Heartless, the mood, the city, the souls… Everything about it.
Darkness…
It's all painted black. The blackest of black; more black than the midnight sky, more black than the darkest hair, more black than the deepest depths of Hell…
It's the black of nothingness, and that's the worst black of all.
I sighed. Trudging through these streets aren't really my idea of fun, but…what else is there to do? If I stayed behind with Mickey all I would be hearing was his rambling on and on about his castle, and his friends, and his wife, or I would have to listen to his lectures on how I should help him look for a way out of here instead of moping around all day. That was the last thing I needed right now.
I was just…tired…of being here. I didn't feel like socializing with him, or fighting off the fucking Heartless while we searched aimlessly in every nook and cranny of this forsaken place, hoping that maybe…just maybe…we'd find a way out. And I've told him so many times that it was never going to work. We were hearts…and that was it. Hearts couldn't get out of this place. It was impossible. But the thing about Mickey is that he doesn't listen. Sure, he's a nice…mouse…and all, but when he has his mind set on doing something, nothing's going to stop him. Stubborn as hell, that's what I say. And he tells me that I'm obstinate…
Kicking a rock out of my path, I put a hand to my forehead and rubbed from side to side. This is so boring. I really need something else to do. But there is nothing else here.
All of the people…they don't speak. I'll pass them once in a while, if they decide to come out, and they'll just walk right by me like I'm not even there. Not so much as a smile. Sheesh, talk about a lack of personality. If Mickey thinks I'm bad, then he really doesn't see enough of this place.
I kept on going, almost lethargic as I made my way down the empty street, moving past buildings and ignoring the few Heartless that lined the sidewalks. They don't really bother me when I'm by myself. I guess you could say that my heart isn't…the purest… You see, once I submitted to the darkness, they didn't really take an interest in me anymore. They look for the lighter beings, like Mickey, for example. What's the use of taking a heart that's already been corrupted? To them, I'm pretty much useless. Not that it's not okay, but sometimes I wished that they'd give me some sort of challenge. At least then I would have something to do.
The icy pellets of rain were bulleting through my clothing, tearing at the surface of my practically numb skin. I'm so used to the chilliness of it…I don't even think I can feel it anymore.
Too bad that there's no way of keeping track of the time here, because sometimes I wonder how long it's been. I wonder if I'd be sixteen yet. Probably close to it, at least. But then again, I'm sure that this just feels longer than it really is. I snorted out loud, earning a quick glance from the scampering shadows before they disregarded me again. There's not even a night and day in this place. I sleep when I'm tired, and I wake up when I wake up. I try to work out with Mickey's keyblade, just to keep my strength up and maintain my figure. Sometimes I run through the streets, in the rain… Mickey has some…secret stash where he gets food for us…although it's not nearly enough to satisfy my appetite. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm not starving or anything…but I'm always a little hungry… The food's not even…food, either, but…I have to eat it, because if I don't then there's nothing else for me to live off of. And all we have to drink is water. God only knows where in the world he finds that.
And sometimes…when I'm really…lonely…I think about him. Sora. I try not to, because…it hurts, you know? But I can't help myself. When Mickey tells stories about his wife, and how he loves her so much…it makes me remember. I wish that I could tell him the same things about Sora…about how I miss him, and I know that he'll be waiting for me when I come back home…
And after that I wonder if he even realizes that I'm not there. Does he remember me at all, or is he too happy with Kairi to miss his once-best friend?
In the end, it all winds down to the fact that he'll never love me in the same way that I love him. It scares me to think that I'll never see him again, but what frightens me the most is that he might hate me if I ever do.
It hurts.
When you're the one who…cares more… It's just a terrible situation to be in, when you know for a fact that the one person who you would…give your life for…who you love with all of your heart…can't ever possess those feelings for you. And even more, they don't know that you feel that way about them in the first place.
Ever since I started thinking about…love…Sora's been the first person that came to mind. I knew that I didn't like girls…that way. They were great friends, sure, but not good for being in relationships with. Take Kairi, for instance. I loved her, and I still do, unimaginably much. But it isn't like that. She's like a sister to me. I feel like I have to protect her, to keep her from harm. Kai's a great friend, and even though I'd faked it for that last year or so that we lived on our island before the darkness came, I didn't have…feelings…for her. I guess pretending that I did was just my way of hiding the way that I really was. Yes, I was gay. I liked Sora…like that… I loved him in an…intimate way. I looked at him…sexually. And yet I was ashamed to let anybody know. Or perhaps I was afraid of letting anybody know. My biggest fear growing up had been being rejected, because, in a way, I always was. I was always…the third wheel, or, in second place. If my friends and family knew that I liked boys instead of girls… I just didn't want them to see me in that light. I thought that if they knew, they would look at me differently, and they wouldn't treat me the same. Now…I regret it…because… I don't know. Maybe if Sora knew…then…maybe he would…maybe…feel the same way towards me. But I doubt it. I guess I would just feel better if I hadn't lived my whole life as a lie. It's a shame…that being gay has to be such a…crime…in that community. My father… He would always scorn upon homosexuals…and say that they were…sick…and messed up. I hated when he did that. It made me hate him, too, because when he said those things, unknowingly, he was scorning me as well. My mother, at least, wasn't like that…but the reason that I didn't tell her was because I feared that she'd let it slip to my dad, and then… Ha, he'd probably disown me if he ever knew. He looked at gays like they were lower than the rest of the world, like they didn't deserve to be considered humans. It made me feel so ashamed. And, at times, when I remember his words well enough, it still does. So I guess that I have my father to blame for my fear of being known as a homo. I can't even count how many times he forced me to participate in sports. Blitzball, swimming, sparring…everything… If he saw me reading, for God's sake, he would tell me that reading was for girls and that men shouldn't care about books. Sometimes I just…wanted to hit him…in the worst way…but I never did. My father was the one person who I wouldn't stand up to, because he was the one person who could hurt me with words the most. I don't think I was afraid of him physically, even though he was strong. I didn't think that I could deal with his mental abuse, though. Everything he said…he could break me down so easily…and it shames me to say so. He really was a…terrible person. Now that I think about it, he was so prejudiced. His favorite thing to do was pick somebody apart. Everybody was scared of him. Even my friends… They would always ask me if my father was going to be home before we went over to my house. There was this one time…where he said something to Sora… And that was the only time that I stood up to my dad. Nobody talks to Sora that way. He called him a wuss…just because he turned down a game of blitzball with Tidus and some other boys. I was so angry. I felt so…mad…and at that moment… Ugh, I couldn't even control what I said to him. I screamed at him…telling him that he was the wuss for always abusing everybody like that… I didn't talk to my father for an entire week after that incident. Maybe I was ashamed of being gay, but I was ashamed of my father even more for the type of person that he was. Unless it was somebody exactly like him…he would find something wrong with them… With my father, there was a problem with pretty much everybody. He was such a…bastard… I wonder what my mother ever even saw in him. And I wonder why she never left him. Probably it was because she was afraid to. Poor Mom. Perhaps after a year of me being gone…she would find the courage to get away from him. I hope so. And if I ever return, I'll make sure that I tell my father off. Actually, the first thing I'll say to him is that I'm gay. Yeah, let's see how he takes it then.
I didn't even realize where I'd been walking this entire time. The next thing I knew I was next to this…building…that I've never seen before. It's not much different from the rest of the skyscrapers around this area except…these…television screens all over the front. Weird…
I peered out from underneath my raincoat hood and sighed, wondering what to do next. The problem wasn't really that I was lost, but…it was more of that I didn't want to go back right away. Should I look around, or should I turn around? Maybe, although I highly doubt it, I'll find something interesting to do around here.
Yeah, right. Like that'll ever happen.
Well, it never hurts to try…right?
I took a few steps forward, my rubber boots squeaking with mucky water and mud. This building…could be…something…
I could go check it out, but people might be living in it. So maybe not.
"Damn it," I said to myself as I stopped again. I looked up at the colorful television screens, straining my eyes to see the pictures that moved across them. The rain made it too blurry to tell.
Shadows darted over the asphalt, sliding underneath my feet and brushing past my ankles. They were definitely more…ugly here than they were back in the other worlds. They were bigger, and scrawnier, with wriggling antennas and flailing arms and legs. Kinda…cockroach-like…
My hair was drenched, considering my over-sized hood had fallen off and had been hanging down for quite some time now. I shook my head, somewhat resembling a dog, I believe, and tried my best to stop it from dripping onto my neck as I walked across the road and stopped in front of the building's door. When I gave it a light push, it opened easily.
It was dark. I chuckled softly as I eyed the set of stair cases only a few feet in front of me, multiple ones stacked all on top of each other but leading to their own separate floors. Did I even expect it to be anything else? There was dirt everywhere. On the walls, on the floor, even…on the…ceiling… Gross. Looks like just another…rundown building…
With an exaggerated sigh, I took one last glance at the vacant stairways and spun on my heel, ready to leave. But somebody called me.
"You there."
My eyes widened at the accusing voice and I jumped a little, honestly not expecting any company. Carefully, I turned around.
"Whaddaya think yer doing, intruding into my house like…" the gruff, dirty-looking man paused and pointed towards the partially opened doorway that lay just behind me. "that."
His house? Eyes still wide, I tried to regard him as innocently as I possibly could and held up my hands. "I didn't know that anybody lived in here," I replied, taking a step backwards and putting my hands back at my sides. "Honest…" I watched as he took a wobbly step down the staircase and eyed me curiously. "-ly."
"Honestly, eh?"
I nodded.
"What brings you down in these here parts anyway?" he asked me as he took a couple of more steps down, a little more than halfway now. He seemed…drunk… I think… His speech was a little slurred and his eyes looked a bit red and bloodshot.
I took another step towards the adjacent doorway. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I got lost."
He came down farther, still staring at me and holding onto the wooden banister for dear life. When he didn't respond, I figured that maybe he didn't hear me the first time.
"I got lost," I repeated, feeling very foolish. I tried not to grimace at his scent the closer he got to me, but, eww. It was so gross. Like alcohol and rotten eggs and sweat all mixed together.
"I heard ya, damn it," he stated bluntly, finally making his way to the ground floor. His shoulder-length brown hair was held back by a red bandana that was tied around his forehead, but even so, some strands managed to escape and fall into his eyes. He had no shirt on, and his pants were hanging loosely off of his waist, ripped and badly torn. I continued to back away, but stopped when my back rammed into the edge of the door. Damn. He moved in closer to me, and I tried my hardest to stay calm, despite the way his clouding eyes managed to roam over my midsection like that.
Nervously, I bit my bottom lip. "Listen," I started, growing tenser with every passing second. "I'll just get out of here and be on my way, and we could forget that this ever happened."
He grabbed a hold of my wrist, and I have to say that his strength in such a drunken manner really surprised me. I was so caught up in his unexpected action that I didn't catch his next movement. His other hand…on my ass… I paled.
"I don't think yer goin' anywhere in such a hurry, boy."
Shit. Eyed widening to heaven and back, I'm sure, I twisted and tried to pry myself away from his rough grasp. He laughed at my struggling, and then used one of his feet to kick the door closed. I fell back against it with a thud.
"Why doncha stay for a while?" he asked, the nicotine in his breath hitting me in the face like a stinky blast as he brought his lips closer to mine.
I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything. I just stood there, watching in horror as he leaned in to…kiss me…
Okay, that was enough. Yanking my wrist free, I used both hands to shove him backwards a few feet and turned around, frantically fumbling with the doorknob as I tried to make it twist open. I felt a hand grab me by the hood, pulling a good amount of my hair with it, and I was instantaneously spun around and pinned between my way of escaping and the tall, muscular, sweaty body of the man assaulting me.
I grimaced.
He grinned. "Take it easy, kid. It's not every day that a pretty boy like you comes around this dump."
I felt as if my stomach were doing flip-flops inside of my body. "You're sick," I retorted, pressing myself harder into the coldness of the thick, metal door. I am so fucked. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit… I have to get away. Oh, God, please…help me… Please…
He slid his hands across my chest and felt around for the raincoat's zipper.
"Let go of me," I said in a pleading voice, locking my thighs together, my upper body wriggling underneath his unwelcome touch. "Come on, I didn't…I…didn't mean to…"
Finally, he just ripped my coat off of me. Now clad in only my skin tight yellow tank and baggy blue pants, I felt even worse.
"Please stop it."
"Relax," he whispered, pecking me on the lips quickly and moving his hands down to the buckles of my pants. "I'm not gonna hurt ya, alright?"
"No, not alright," I answered quickly, sliding my hips against the wall from side to side as I tried to escape. He had me pinned down with his own pelvis, though, and with him being considerably stronger and taller than I am; I was finding it rather difficult to get loose. "This is not okay. You have to let me go."
With a bibulous chuckle, he pressed his contaminated mouth against my lips again and tried to pry them open with his tongue. I squirmed and squealed, twisted and punched…anything to try and break free…but I found, to my great disappointment and surprise, that I was no match for this guy's strength. Still refusing to allow him access to my mouth, I pushed against his chest and pounded him mercilessly with clenched fists. Finally, when he pulled his face away from mine, probably because I was getting annoying, I inhaled sharply and threw my head back against the wall.
"Get off," I whispered, my lips now reacting to the roughness of his tongue and his teeth as he had tried to get them to open. "Get off of me, now."
"Not yet," he answered, looking quite amused as he resumed the battle with my seemingly stubborn pant buckles. "I've still gotta screw ya, first."
I snapped. No way in Hell. Absolutely not. "No!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, my fear and anger of such an invasion on my privacy finally taking control. "No, you bastard! You'd better get the fuck off of me before I punch your fucking lights out!"
Well, that…surprised him… He looked up, stopping what he was doing with his hands and regarded me with a set of widened brown eyes. I used that opportunity to shove him backwards and make a run for the stairs, stumbling over his right foot and throwing myself towards the first step with everything that I had. Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe it.
"Come back here," he called after me as he attempted to follow me up the steps. It was good thing that he was drunk, because I doubt that I would've been able to outrun him had he been sober.
And as if my life depended upon it, I forced my legs to move as fast as they possible could up the gritty stairwell, blocking out the noise of his heavy footsteps clambering behind me as I traveled up story to story.
And then…I hit something…and I went tumbling backwards…down the stairs, down the stairs, and POW. The back of my head slammed against the stone wall, and it felt as if the whole insides of my head had just been torn apart and were rolling freely around in my skull.
I heard someone running at me…from both directions…and I squeezed my eyes shut, too engrossed in the searing pain that shot towards my forehead and down my spine to care anymore. Fuck, it hurt like hell.
"Oh, crap," the man swore loudly, afterwards letting out something similar to a yelp as a hard, cracking noise filled my ears.
I was losing it. My head was spinning and my body was in shock. It kind of felt like…I was…dreaming…
A pair of hands grabbed me by the waist, and I was quickly hoisted into a pair of metal-clad…arms…
"No," I murmured, shocked at how quietly my voice came out. My eyes wouldn't open, as they felt heavy and badly bruised. The arms lifted me up higher and leaned my face against a shoulder…a warm shoulder… I moaned. My head hurt so much.
"Shh."
"No," I said again, trying to fight off the heavy blanket of blackness that seemed to be encompassing my skull and mingling in with the agonizing pain. "Lemme…go…" It seemed like I was spinning, whirling in the wind.
We were going down the stairs…getting closer to the bottom…
I moaned into the comfortable shoulder one more time, and, too tired and in too much pain to protest any longer, I didn't respond to the hand that positioned itself underneath my butt this time.
Oh, God, my head is killing me. How hard did I hit myself?
"You'll be okay," a soothing voice said as one of his arms wrapped itself around my shoulders. It was a man…for the voice was deep…and he felt…muscular…
And…he sounded so…familiar…
I felt my body going limp in his arms, finally giving up to the relentless pain. I felt rain hitting me in the face…trickling down my neck and cheeks…and…without a coat…I was…cold…
But it didn't matter… My head was the only thing I could think about right now…well…I couldn't really think, anyway… It hurt…so…incredibly…much…
God.
"You'll…be…fine…"
That was the last thing I heard before drifting into a dreamless sleep.
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Riku
I twisted underneath something…warm… Like a blanket…and…sheets… Satin sheets…
What the…hell?
Where am I?
Eyes still closed, I buried my face into a pillow and groaned. Well, wherever I am, it sure is comfy.
"Mmm," I hummed absently with my mouth suppressed by the fluffy cushion. This felt so nice. And it smelled so good. I haven't slept in a real bed for so long. Ahhhhh……
Something touched my cheek. "What?" I groaned crankily, still incredibly sleepy, and I pulled away from what felt like fingers as they brushed along my skin one more time.
Wait a minute. Fingers?
Somebody chuckled, and I froze in my spot. Oh my God. No, it…couldn't be…him…could it?
"Ansem?" my voice cracked, and I rolled back over so that I was turned towards his voice. Slowly, my eyes fluttered open, and I almost choked. "Oh my God."
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Author's Notes: Hey, I'm back!! See, I didn't forget this fic. I wanna continue it. ^_^ Anyhow, sorry it took me SO INCREDIBLY LONG to update. I had severe…writer's block…erm…*cough* No, I really did, but I'm trying to get over it so that I can present you with more chapters to this story. It's actually fun to write, just, a little hard to get the right characterizations at time… But I tried, so…*shrugs* you know how it is. Well, review and tell me if you liked it or not. Hell, I shouldn't be asking you that. You guys were AWESOME with your reviews for chapter one. I was SO SURPRISED!! But pleasantly surprised, lol. 19 reviews!! Damn, in my other story I only got 2 for the first chapter. So thanks a bunch!! ^_~
Oh, and if anybody was confused, this chapter was taking place BEFORE chapter one, even though that is the prologue. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear. See, I'm going to break this story into 3 parts or something…so Part 1 is in KH, Part 2 is back in Traverse Town with Sora and the gang, and then a Part 3…well…I'm not sure about a part 3 yet. But sorry if you were confused. I hope I cleared that up. Anyhow, I'll see you all later, and I'll TRY not to take so long to update next time. Thanks for all your support in your reviews, again. You guys are all REALLY nice. Hehe.
Bye,
Vix ^_~