Fire by Chris F

WARNING: Slash

For Seereth, who requested anything slashy

~*~*~*~

It's official- I hate him.  I hate Alex and that stupid smile he has whenever he's around Duke Roger.  I hate his eagerness to do whatever the Duke asks.  Eager?  Alex is not supposed to be eager.  He is supposed to be dark and quiet and sober and...and...

And mine. 

Alex is supposed to be MINE, he has been since we were pages, quiet and scared under the covers after lights-out.  I placed my mark on him and was in turn branded as his.  He belonged to me, and I to him, until he became Duke Roger's squire and I was cast aside.

It wasn't even that he didn't have time for me anymore.  That I could have understood and accepted.  I could have gotten used to only seeing him during free time or if we were both allowed by our knightmasters to go into the city.  It wasn't just that though.  He actually left me.  He told me that he could not be with me anymore and then walked away, leaving me alone.  It was abrupt, it made no sense, and I hate it. 

It's just not fair.  Duke Roger could have anyone he wants.  He's attractive enough, he has money and power.  Why did he have to take my best friend, the person I love?  What did I do to deserve losing Alex, what did HE do to deserve gaining him?  I want to scream every time I see the Duke.  I'm starting to think that Alan is right in avoiding him.  Maybe he really isn't any good. 

Gods, if someone could hear me now.  I'm doubting a royal duke, all because of a relationship I shouldn't have had in the first place.  I'm letting my emotions rule over my reason, exactly what everyone is always accusing me of doing.  What would my father say? 

Maybe it's for the best, then.  Maybe it's better that we're apart now because it would only lead to trouble if we stayed together.  Trouble for the both of us.  Men, noblemen, just can't behave that way.  I'm...my father doesn't need that kind of scandal attached to the Naxen family name if someone found out, and Alex...it would kill me if he was ruined like that.  I could never take it.

I asked him to meet me here, away where no one can see us, so we can talk privately.  I just want to know why, what I did to lose my best friend, why I wasn't good enough for him.  I want answers so that when I'm alone at night, at least I'll understand.  At least I'll know either that it was my fault or that there was nothing I could do.

 Finally, he shows up.  His eyes dart back and forth as he walks up to me.  "We shouldn't be here, you know." 

I shrug.  "Never stopped us before."

"Yes, well.  That was before."  He pauses for a moment.  "Gary, please don't look at me like that."

I raise an eyebrow.  "Like what?  Like someone whose best friend decided that he wasn't good enough anymore?  I think I have every right to look at you like that."

Alex sighs.  "It's not that you aren't good enough.  Please believe that." 

"Why then?"  I ask.  "Why then aren't you with me anymore?"

Alex looks down, seeming smaller than he already is.  "It's complicated.  Gary, you're...I love you.  I do, really..."

"Then why?"  I hiss through clenched teeth.  "Just tell me why."

Now Alex's eyes meet mine, and there is a fire behind them.  "Because I love him."

I'm almost physically knocked back.  "You didn't love me?"

The fire softens, almost goes away.  "Of course I did!  I still do, it's just...not the same." 

"What do you mean?"  I still don't understand.  How can it be not the same?  What we did with each other....if not the kind of love he's talking about, then what? 

He shakes his head.  "I can't explain it.  It just feels different with him."  He reaches out to touch my hand.  "I'm sorry."

"I know."  It's automatic.

"You're still my best friend." 

"I know."  It's weak comfort, but I'll take it.  "Alex?"

He walks closer to me, and I can't help but hold him, relishing how perfectly his body fits to mine one last time.  "Yes?"

I take a deep breath.  "Does he feel the same?  Does he love you like that?" 

Alex looks up at me, and again I see that fire.  "Yes, he loves me.  Completely." 

I let go of him, partially because I think if I hold him any longer my heart will break, partly because I don't want to be near those flames anymore.  "Good.  You deserve it."  I can accept this.  If he loves Roger and Roger loves him, I will learn to deal with this, I will try to understand that this is how it must be.

He smiles.  "Thanks."

Alex walks away from me, and I try so hard to be happy for him, but every time I think of that fire, I get chills.  It was a fire that looked like it would consume anything it touched, one that burned hotter than all reason.  It was out of place in Alex's eyes.  He had always been cool, rational, and that burning was so unfamiliar.

It takes years for it to finally hit me. 

Alex has dark eyes.  The fire, far from dark, was a bright orange. 

And suddenly, everything stops making sense again.