OK: NEXT CHAPTER…THIS ONE IS SAD…AND THE END…WELL IT'S A BIT OF A TEAR JERKER…I HOPE ANYWAYS. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
*****
Uncontrollable
By: Karigan Marie
Chapter: It just…does.
*****
She didn't want to open her eyes. She was warm and comfortable, though she ached a bit. Tucked nicely into the bed, she didn't want to wake from her dream, her mother and her dancing around her room years ago, laughing and stumbling. But she did, wake up, that is. She cracked open her eyes. Half expecting to see Atune rush in and begin chastising her on her lack of energy in the morning, she looked around lazily with her green orbs.
But, she wasn't in her room. She was in the hospital wing. The room was small but open. The light streamed in from the stained glass window, shining through with vigor. She turned her neck slightly to get a better look. She didn't see anyone so she spread her curled up legs out a bit and yawned greatly, turning onto her back. Her feet nudged at something and she looked down to see a sleeping Kitten, a white bandage wrapped around her entire middle, looking a pale gray, sleeping soundly. She saw the whole room then, and in a corner, curled up in a small cushioned chair, was Amena.
"Amena…" She hadn't expected her voice to crack and break so much.
The nearly 12 year old girl's head came up quickly. Her eyes were half closed, red and swollen. She smiled in happiness, pulled herself up from the chair and quickly swooped down to sit on the floor next to Jade's head, coming to eye level with her. "Hey." It as whispered softly and warmly. "Welcome back."
Jade had to think for a moment. She was still slightly confused. "What are you doing here?"
Amena smiled warmly. "I just wanted to see you."
"Oh." Jade swallowed hard. It didn't come to her quickly like some would think. She didn't remember in a split second. It came gradually, the memories; waking up in the night to loud noises, running with her mother out of their suite, waiting with Atune in the back corridor rooms, running for dear life with the Empress, her mother…splayed out on the ground, blood dripping out of her mouth, pressing the claw into her hand. Jade looked down and noticed the claw and cord still tied around her wrist, devoid of any blood. And then she remembered her father, ordering her to run, wanting to tell him no, that she had to tell him what had happened. She didn't want anyone else to tell him. And then the running. She remembered that, too. And ice. Ice so cold it sliced through her skin. And the man pulling her out, pulling Ani out. Her body jumped in surprise. "Ani!"
Amena leaned back in surprise. "Who?"
"Ani. Where is Ani?"
"Who's Ani?"
"Miliani."
Amena let out a sigh in understanding. "She's all right. They have her in her own rooms. She woke up yesterday evening." Jade relaxed back into her pillow. Amena twisted her hands. "Jade…"
"She's gone." Amena looked up at her with sad eyes. "I remember."
Amena swallowed hard and tears glistened in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Jade." Her voice cracked and Jade wondered momentarily if crying would be the normal thing to do right now, because she didn't feel like crying. She looked down at her hands, red and cracked.
"Where's…where's Papa?"
Amena shifted onto her knees. "He went with the Lioness, to the tombs. He'll be back soon."
Jade scrunched up her nose. "The tombs? Mama wasn't a noble, she can't be buried there."
Amena wiped at some stray tears and cleared her throat. "No. Your ma was buried yesterday, out in the pastures."
"Oh." She'd missed her own mother's burial. "Then…"
"It's for Sir Thom."
And that shocked her. "Thom?"
Amena nodded sadly. "They were burning all our homes, on the walls edge. I guess it was easier seeing as they're made of wood. Most of us got out easily enough, but some got trapped. Thom tried to save them." And Jade couldn't help but wonder which was worse, loosing your mother or loosing your son.
And the next question that crossed her mind made her dread the answer. "How many?"
"I'm not sure. More than a few." She squinted in concentration. "12 Tortallan Guards, 8 Carthaki, 5 ambassadors from Carthak, but they betrayed the Empress, Sir Gary of Naxen, Thom…your mother…Buri was stabbed in the leg, but she's all right, the north kitchen cooks all died, a few others. And a whole bunch of Rebels."
Jade sighed. This just didn't happen. It didn't. She was almost afraid to ask. "How's my father?"
And she knew by look on Amena's face that the answer would be worse than she thought. "He's really worried about you. Made me promise I wouldn't leave your side until he got back. He's…sad. I don't know what else, he just looks…" and she had to think about her next words. "…sad," she said, defeated." I haven't gotten to see him too much."
Jade was silent, thinking. And Amena shifted again, trying to think of how to broach the next subject. "Jade…" and she had to recollect her thoughts. "Look…"
Jade didn't want to hear this, she could tell already. "What?" It came out so quietly and frightened, Amena hardly heard it.
"Umm, Atune…well…Atune was…she got hurt pretty bad."
Jade started shaking; she didn't want to hear this. "How bad?"
"She's all right. She's…well, she's not going to die or anything…it's just…well, she got hurt."
"Amena…" it was a plead for the truth.
Amena sighed and wiping some more tears of her face. "She was attacked. And she…well, someone raped her, Jade."
Jade turned over then, facing the wall. She knew what that meant, knew that some women apparently never recovered from an attack like that; she knew what it involved, her parents had sat her down not to long ago and explained the entire 'birds and bees' concept in detail. And there seemed to be little worse in some women's eyes than being attacked like that. She turned over and curled up in a little ball, covering her face with her arms, bringing her knees up high.
Amena scrambled to the other side. "Jade."
"Go away, Amena. Please." It was whispered so quietly. But Amena could hear the utter control in it.
"It's not bad to cry, Jade. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad."
"Go away." This time, she whisper came out harshly, and the familiar heat started at the pit of her stomach.
Amena swallowed and nodded. "Umm, sure. Listen, I'm just going to go get Duke Baird and tell him you woke up." When no answer came forth she stood leaned over and kissed Jade's exposed hand. "I'm glad you're ok, Jade."
Jade heard Amena step quietly out of the room. When she heard the door click softly, she let out a small sob, not much, just to get the edge off. She regretted it immediately. Without noticing its release, green fire shot out from her mouth and slammed into a cabinet full of medicinal herbs. It shattered when the herbs weeded up so quickly, it burst open. Jade scrambled up to the headboard, pressing herself into it with wide eyes.
The Duke opened the door quickly and looked around. "What happened?"
Jade didn't say a word. She looked down at the sheets and stared hard. The Duke sighed and proceeded with the check-up.
*****
The next time she came into consciousness, her face was being nudged at. She scrunched her face up, craned her neck back and opened her eyes to see Kitten not three inches from her face. Kitten pushed up against her and snuggled eagerly and Jade couldn't not hug her tight. "Thank you, Kit."
"She's a bit sore still, but dragons heal quickly." The voice surprised her. It was low and rough and sounded as if it cost the person to say it. She turned her head quickly to see. Her heart kicked up in speed at the sight of her father. He sat on a chair pulled up close to the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees. His face was ashen, a stark contrast with the black cotton shirt and breeches he wore. His eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep and puffy from what looked like crying. She'd never seen her father look so ill. "Papa." She'd never had lack of words with her father; now, she couldn't think of anything to say.
"You scared me." The words were torn from his throat with such agony she froze on the spot. "I tried to bring her back, I had healers all around trying to bring her back. But she's gone and I couldn't handle it. And I thought it would be the end of my world. I thought she took everything good inside me with her. And then…and then there was this noise from beyond the palace walls…and it took a few seconds, for it to reach us…but it did. These huge streaks of green light tore through the wall and kept going. The trees in the courtyards grew a good ten feet higher in a less than three seconds, but it was too much for them and they snapped in half…some others just withered away…" he took a deep breath. "And I knew it was you, I knew it was you and something was wrong and I knew I was wrong. She didn't take everything with her, she left you. She left me you…and something was wrong." Numair started shaking. "When they brought you back, you were so white I thought you were gone too. For a few seconds, I thought I'd really lost everything. When they told me you were alive... you scared me, Jade."
She stared at her father for endless seconds. She had never heard him talk like this. He didn't seem to be able to look at her. Her heart sank and she accepted his quiet refusal of her with little effort. She knew then, she hadn't just lost her mother, she'd lost him as well. She'd never have him back, not the way he was before. She clenched her eyes shut and took a deep breath. He was grateful to have her here still; but she could see how much it hurt him, almost as much as not having her here would have been. "I know…I'm sorry Papa."
He kept his eyes down, his hands clutched together. "I'm sorry, Jade." It cost him so much to say that, she could tell. He was forcing out the words, something he'd never had to do with her before and she hated him for it, but she understood. "It's ok, Papa."
He brought up his tortured eyes then, and they seemed so distant, so disconnected. And it was further proof of the fact that she'd lost him. He was fighting an inner battle, trying not to fall apart at the seams, for her…and she knew he hated her for it. He wanted to fall apart, she could tell. She was the only thing forcing him to hold it together. He looked at her hands then, and pointed. "Do they hurt?" It was an effort to get off the subject.
She looked down at said hands. They were dry and cracked and red. She licked her lips and noticed they were dry and cracked also. She hadn't thought about her appearance until now. From the way she felt, and she really couldn't trust that judgment, because she felt like lying down and dieing, she probably looked on this side of dead.
"No." They didn't. They were stiff, but they didn't hurt. She shivered then, half in relief and half in utter dread. This is how it was going to be from now on, this would be how he'd have to deal with her from now on, to avoid falling apart. It was a painful thought, but she was almost grateful, she could deny everything inside herself too. It wasn't real; things like this didn't happen. "Papa?" He lifted his eyebrows in response. "Is…is Atune…is she still hurt?"
His eyes changed. It was odd; they went from one form of sadness to another, one of pity. "She's doing better. She's…going to need some time. You understand that?" She nodded. "You'll need to stay in here another day or two according to Duke Baird, and then you can leave." She nodded, looking down at her hands twisting in the scratchy cotton sheet. "Jade…" She looked up. "I love you." It hurt him to say it, she could tell. It hurt him to even feel it. And for a moment, she wished he didn't love her, because then he wouldn't have to feel the pain. He leaned forward and hugged her gingerly and she hugged him back, burying her face in his chest. He pressed her head tightly against him and rested his chin on the top of her head, stroking the black curls softly. She didn't cry, and she accepted the fact that she probably wouldn't, not over this, not over her own mother, because things like this didn't happen, they just didn't. With that thought, she fell asleep.
*****
She'd been up and about for two days, under strict orders to take it easy. She didn't go outside; she would die happy if she never saw snow and ice again. Besides, she didn't think she wanted to go outside any time soon. Amena had filled her in on the 'damage'. It wasn't the damage done by the Rebels that she was scared to look at, it was her own damage. She'd been observant in the castle. There wasn't a single plant sitting around, and she would have been slightly offended that they'd think she'd hurt people with her magic if Amena hadn't told her that all the plants had withered into ash when her magic had come tearing through. And when she asked about outside the palace, Amena had grudgingly informed her that near half the trees in the royal forest had turned to ash by morning following the attack. The now two Tortallan Wild mages in residence and the Three Cartheki Wild Mages spent their time trying to relocate animals that had lost their homes in the forest. With the lack of protective barriers in the already barren snow covered forest, they wouldn't be able to survive the harshest part of winter, which was yet to come.
She had to go to her room after hearing that and stared at herself in the mirror. Her black curls were neatly combed and fell to her shoulders in soft locks, courtesy of one of the hall maids. She wore a very simple long sleeved black dress that barely reached her toes. Her face was pale save for the still blue and purple bruise across her lip and chin. Her lips were still cracked and often bled if she licked them to much. She looked worn and tired, she looked dead. She hated what she saw, hated the color black as much as she hated the color white, they both were the color of death to her. She curled up in her bed, pulling her long dress around her feet, chasing away even the slightest amount of chill and stared at her wall for hours. Everything her magic touched died. And it was getting worse, Milona, healthy and happy as can be, seemed to be immune from the general mourning atmosphere going around the castle and city, she began her usual cruel tricks the moment Jade came into sight. She'd gotten furious that first time and screamed for Milona to just leave her alone. The horrible girl didn't even seem to care that she' just lost her mother. Green fire had shot out of the clenched hands at her sides and shot directly into the stone floor. Green ivy had burst through the cracks, splitting the stone. Milona had gone screaming, only to continue the torture by telling all the palace children that she was trying to kill her.
She thought about a lot of things in those hours, watching the sun through her window gradually leave the sky to fall behind the far frozen horizon. The Lioness left the palace with Uncle George and their two children. King Jonathan had given them leave for mourning and the now smaller family had escaped to Pirate's Swoop to spend the rest of winter in quiet seclusion. Amena, whose wooden house had been burnt down during the attack, spent most of her time with her parents, helping to rebuild the small grouping of houses that served as homes for permanent resident servants. Atune…well, Atune didn't leave her room much. She'd come to visit Jade the second day she'd been awake in the hospital wing, but it had been a short one, and they had said little and of no actual meaning. There were no actual physical marks on Atune's body, though she covered a good portion of it with her own black dresses; it was hard to actually see her, to know that she was in some kind of pain and not know how to help her; she wasn't even sure what it was that hurt so much, she still had only a very basic understanding of what rape actually was. All she knew was that Atune, who had always been outspoken and energetic, was now reserved and subdued, though she tried to hide it. She'd kissed Jade on the cheek and said she was tired, walking quietly out of the room, never acknowledging anything about Daine.
She noticed the twinkle of twilight out of the window and was only slightly surprised when someone rapped on her door. She turned her head to see as Numair stepped through the door, still looking pale and tired and just sad. "Jade, there's someone here to see you." Jade sat up slightly on one elbow to see who it was. Her father stepped aside and someone she hadn't expected to ever see again stepped through her bedroom door. Empress Kalasin stood there, a soft sad smile across her lips. She turned to Numair and smiled at him.
"Numair, could I have a moment?"
Numair nodded and began to back away. Kalasin placed a hand on his arm and smiled at him sadly. He looked at her and made an attempt at a smile; it failed miserably. He left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.
Jade sat up all the way and placed her feet on the floor, nervously twitching her hands. The Empress had on a long conservative black dress, embroidery only in the cuffs and hem. Her hair was pulled back in the simplest of braids, no pins, no jewels; it hung loosely over one shoulder. Her face, usually ivory, was slightly pale and the slight bags under her eyes showed signs of sleepless nights. She looked beautiful.
Black. The color of mourning. Jade looked away quickly and banished the thoughts from her mind. The Empress took a few steps closer until she was standing directly in front of her. Jade lifted her head slightly and peered at the woman above her. And she noticed a few tears run down the flawless skin. Kalasin fell to her knees in front of Jade, catching her by surprise. They stared into each other's eyes, ice blue to brilliant green. Kalasin looked down with a sniff and gently picked up one of Jade's still dry and cracked hands. She turned it over in her own gentle hands , softy running her fingers up and down the palms. Without realizing it, Jade felt herself relax slightly, focusing on the feel of soft hands on her own. When the Empress spoke, so very softly, her eyes still glued to Jade's hands, it caught Jade off guard.
"When I was eight, your mother was 13." Jade swallowed. She didn't want to think about this. "She came to Pirate's Swoop where Roald and I were vacationing. She came with your father and the Lioness, and my own mother and Buri- her private guard, and Onua. She was so young…and she was so scared …and she was in so much pain." Kalasin's eyebrows scrunched up at those words. "…but she was…she was so strong and… and when Pirate's Swoop was attacked, she was the one that saved us. The Emperor Orzone had sent his war ships and stormwings to come get us…my mother, brother and I. Had it not been for her, her and her magic, the magic that she still didn't understand or have control over, we would have been lost." Jade felt the familiar sting in her throat. "She saved us." Kalasin took a deep breath and looked up at the green eyed girl with tears streaming down her perfect ivory face. "And now…now you…her daughter…saved my child."
Jade felt her heart clench painfully and she shifted uncomfortably, averting her eyes to her hands again. "No. I…I didn't do anything, Empress." She wasn't anything like he mother, though she wished she were.
Kalasin let go of her and placed her soft hands on either side of Jade's face, bringing it up to look at her. "You did. Jade, my guard told me what he saw, how he saw you pulling her out of the water…and Ani told me how you fought for her safety and ran with her." Kalasin clenched her eyes as more tears came. She was crying softly. Opening her eyes she whispered, "You saved the Princess of Carthak, Jade. But more importantly, you saved the life of my daughter." Jade felt the heat rise to her cheeks in a blush. Kalasin, keeping one hand on Jade's cheek, ran the other through her well kept curls. "Your mother would be so proud of you, Jade."
And that… that had been too much. Jade clenched her eyes shut in abject pain and felt her body tremble with suppressed sobs. Kalasin cried silently when Jade fell forward against her chest, she wrapped her arms tightly around the small girl, ignoring the stream of green magic dripping from the bed and the weeds spurting through the cracks with a sad smile; she rocked her shaking form back and forth. Jade let herself be held. She didn't cry, and again she was sure she never would. But she breathed heavily, heaving for air, desperate to breathe easy again, desperate for the pain to just stop. She shook with a force she had never experienced before, not even when she couldn't breathe under the ice; because things like this…things like this just didn't happen. But it just had; and accepting that…had been the most painful part of all.
*****
A/N: Oh wow…hmm. Kinda sad. But I told you this story wasn't going to be terribly happy. It's not over yet, still got a bit to go. Don't expect many happy plot turns. It doesn't get too much worse…but there's a ways to go before it gets any better.
READ AND REVIEW I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK…BE SPECIFIC PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEE