[Doctor's note... uh, author's note. "Sitting Out" was done at four, I just didn't know it. I suppose I could go and do the other characters, but it's sorta moot at this point. "Stepping In", on the other hand, stymied me. I didn't know where to go with it. But then, oh yes, Joss Whedon came in and gave us "A Hole in The World" and "Shells." More importantly, he gave us Illyria. So, I wrote this. About halfway through, I realized I was continuing "Stepping In." The sudden disparity between prologue and chapter one... Well, tell me what you think, and hopefully the story will tell me where it wants to go. -DUNOTS]
Stepping In
One.
"Leech."
He didn't turn around. He didn't need to.
"Leech, I called you."
He knew who it was by the way she didn't smell. No, he corrected himself, it. The way IT didn't smell.
"Face me, vampire!"
He should have just kept walking. That was the plan, at least. Leave it be, until he knew how to kill it. Of course, he rarely stuck to the plan.
"Sod off!" He shouted, stopping in his tracks but not turning about either.
At any moment she, it would say something to him about how weak he was, or how strong it was, or perhaps throw him across the room, or even, hell, just actually sod off.
"I need your help."
That was somewhat less expected.
Whirling, he caught himself halfway, expecting to see her standing there, with her big brown eyes and sincere smile and... and it was that thing, that thing with her eyes and her mouth, but poisoned blue and fallow.
Looking over his shoulder at it, he sneered, growling, "What did you just say to me?"
"I had thought your kind to have heightened hearing," it scowled at him stiffly, "I need to... ask your counsel. Will you grant it, or not?"
He finally turned all the way around, stepping forward just enough. "Let's see if I have the proper grasp on this situation, shall we? You infect her. You liquify her bloody organs, make her suffer and die in the arms of her lover," he moved at it, beginning to shout, "And now you wear her ruddy skin, and on top of all that, you flipping well insist on rubbing it in our faces by hangin' 'round! You think I got that right?"
It stood fast. "Correct."
"Now, let's see if you have the proper grasp on the situation. Why, praytel, should I ever give a good goddamn about what you want? As far as I'm concerned, it's just a matter of time before we figure out how to get her body laid to rest like it should be. What do you think?"
She was almost frowning. It was confusing. "I know all of this and more, bloodsucker. Do you think I would ask you for help, had I any other options? If you think I have any care for you or anyone else here, I find I must accuse you of being arrogant."
"Calling me an arrogant bloodsucker is an interesting way of convincing me to help you. Bye."
And he began to walk away, already trying to rub it out of his memory.
"Wait," it called after a moment, "Please. I will offer what I can in return, but I must understand."
And for the second time he whirled, losing all his progress in an instant. "What? What can you offer? You're a corpse, a fiend, a bloody bodysnatcher takin' out all that's good and pourin' in the scum that was old when they invented rocks. The only thing you can offer me is a reason to hate you and all your kind until I burn."
She looked around at the floor furtively, hurriedly, as though trying to find the idea that had scrambled away. Suddenly her frown deepened and her head shot up, those blue eyes meeting his.
"I would argue with you, but you know as much as I about living in the shell of another. That is why I come to you, vampire."
"Oh," he sneered, "Is that it? I'm like you? A demon in a man's body? Well I've got news for you, bitch. This is MY body! I didn't crawl in and take it over, I took it back! Yeah, there was a time when this body had a demon puttin' up shop, but that isn't me. Not all of me! I've got my soul. MY soul! I'm not a man, I know that, but I'm not a monster like you."
"The glimmer of humanity," she whispered, her furrowed brow wavering almost imperceptibly, "That fetid detritus that corrupts and takes over. You have it, and yet you fight on, you remain a warrior."
She breathed heavily a few times, something he wasn't aware she did.
"How do you do it?"
---
He couldn't believe himself.
"So, what is it?" He asked, closing the door to the apartment he still kept, "What's got your leathers in a bunch?"
He couldn't believe he was going along with... it.
It spun about, taking in his meager dwelling. "Meager," it noted, "I suppose I should not be surprised that you live like a pauper."
"Yeah, this is the way to treat me," he nodded, "You can leave now."
"No!" it exclaimed instantly, "You must tell me what to do about this. I can not rely solely on the Watcher. He is merely human."
"Watcher? Wait, what he got to do with this?"
It stared at him blankly. "He is helping me to learn what is right in this world, how I can exist in it. But as I said, he cannot know what it is to be a demon. He is only a man."
"And I'm not a monster," he intoned, "At least not any more. If you'd caught me a couple years ago, I could'a given you a nice lecture on dealing with being muzzled, but nowadays? I don't care."
"You are... mistaken," it said softly, looking around for that idea again, "I do not seek how to keep my demon in check... but how to check the woman."
Oh, god, no. "Oh, god, no."
"She infests and cheapens," it began snarling, "She forces her memories into my mind, her shadows into my view. I cannot satisfy this... this ghost I cannot find. It should not belong, and it does not matter, but it remains, tormenting me with the stain of her."
Suddenly it came back to itself, focusing on him. "How?"
He blinked, trying to get things moving again. "How? How what?"
"How do you fight, vampire? I have already asked you this, and yet you don't answer! Your soul burns and festers inside your carcass, and yet you find some peace, some understanding that lets you walk, and move, and kill. How?"
"Peace?" He laughed out loud, "Is that what you want?"
It grimaced. "I come to you above the other because you are better acclimated to the stench of humanity. He sits and ponders and waits and worries, while you live and drink and take. There is an adaptation that you have made that he has not, and you must tell me how."
He kept laughing. "Oh, that's bloody hilarious. You really are a stupid twit, aren't you? You really think all that? That I've got some answer, some peace? You're dumber than I thought, and that's impressive."
"So, what?" it exlaimed, "You have no peace? No way? You continue as he does not! That much is true!"
"I don't do anything," he growled, suddenly serious, "I might not like that heap of moods, but I know what's true. He's had a sodding soul for a century, and I've had mine for two years. I used to think like you, like I had it all figured out, that he was just missing something... but that's stupidity. There is no answer, not that I know of. I'm a man, and a monster, and a lot of things besides, but I can't just shut down because I'm confused! I have to get up and go on and do what has to be done, because, goddamit, I'm able."
It was clearly confused. "You say that you know no respite? You suffer as the other does, remorse and regret stinking to the very core of you? I see nothing to keep you motivated, to keep you from feeling as... he. You have a secret, and will not tell it to me."
It stepped forward, malice in its empty eyes. "But I will get it from you."
He began to laugh again, this time louder and maliciously.
"Stop laughing, leech! Stop, or you will be dust before you can think on your stupidity!"
Wiping tears from his eyes, he leaned forward to her. "The only stupidity I can think about right now is yours. You don't get it, and I don't think you can. You're empty, but you feel like you're full. Well, guess what? You're not. You're not a woman, you're a thing. You'll always be a thing, and as I see it, you deserve to have her hang that over your head every minute."
"You do not know what suffering is, beast!" it exclaimed, "What I am is old, and useless, and forgotten! All that is left is a shell, tainting me with what I hate, and will never be, but must become. You know nothing of pain."
And he slugged it.
"Shut your mouth!" He shouted, his vampire face manifesting, "You're a joke, and not a very funny one. Every word you say is ashes in the mouth of the people she loved. You'll never be her. You'll never be anything but a husk of a demon. She was a better thing than you'll ever know! She was better than all of us! You want me to help you? Let me kill you. That's the only way you'll ever find your bleeding peace. You don't want help. You want out."
It was kneeling, blue hair shading its face from his view. But he could hear breathing, ragged and quick, irregular in the way of fury. He stood his ground, waiting for it to attack at any moment. He knew it would.
"I want out," it breathed softly, not bothering to look at him, "I cannot exist as I do now, and I cannot become what I was. If I am to live, it will have to be as you, a demon in the shape of a human. I remember her life, her laughable human emotion... and it will not let me go. The only thing more disgusting than her humanity is its effect on me."
It finally stood, its face tear-streaked. "I am corrupt, and I cannot understand the meaning of it. So, yes, I want out. I would just as soon give her back, if it meant pulling her out of my being. I cannot destroy her, and I fear she will destroy me."
He stood, not knowing what to do. It just kept staring at him blankly, terrified and hateful, and breathing with gasps.
"Help me." It said softly, sounding like her.
And he could see the disgust on her face.
Stepping In
One.
"Leech."
He didn't turn around. He didn't need to.
"Leech, I called you."
He knew who it was by the way she didn't smell. No, he corrected himself, it. The way IT didn't smell.
"Face me, vampire!"
He should have just kept walking. That was the plan, at least. Leave it be, until he knew how to kill it. Of course, he rarely stuck to the plan.
"Sod off!" He shouted, stopping in his tracks but not turning about either.
At any moment she, it would say something to him about how weak he was, or how strong it was, or perhaps throw him across the room, or even, hell, just actually sod off.
"I need your help."
That was somewhat less expected.
Whirling, he caught himself halfway, expecting to see her standing there, with her big brown eyes and sincere smile and... and it was that thing, that thing with her eyes and her mouth, but poisoned blue and fallow.
Looking over his shoulder at it, he sneered, growling, "What did you just say to me?"
"I had thought your kind to have heightened hearing," it scowled at him stiffly, "I need to... ask your counsel. Will you grant it, or not?"
He finally turned all the way around, stepping forward just enough. "Let's see if I have the proper grasp on this situation, shall we? You infect her. You liquify her bloody organs, make her suffer and die in the arms of her lover," he moved at it, beginning to shout, "And now you wear her ruddy skin, and on top of all that, you flipping well insist on rubbing it in our faces by hangin' 'round! You think I got that right?"
It stood fast. "Correct."
"Now, let's see if you have the proper grasp on the situation. Why, praytel, should I ever give a good goddamn about what you want? As far as I'm concerned, it's just a matter of time before we figure out how to get her body laid to rest like it should be. What do you think?"
She was almost frowning. It was confusing. "I know all of this and more, bloodsucker. Do you think I would ask you for help, had I any other options? If you think I have any care for you or anyone else here, I find I must accuse you of being arrogant."
"Calling me an arrogant bloodsucker is an interesting way of convincing me to help you. Bye."
And he began to walk away, already trying to rub it out of his memory.
"Wait," it called after a moment, "Please. I will offer what I can in return, but I must understand."
And for the second time he whirled, losing all his progress in an instant. "What? What can you offer? You're a corpse, a fiend, a bloody bodysnatcher takin' out all that's good and pourin' in the scum that was old when they invented rocks. The only thing you can offer me is a reason to hate you and all your kind until I burn."
She looked around at the floor furtively, hurriedly, as though trying to find the idea that had scrambled away. Suddenly her frown deepened and her head shot up, those blue eyes meeting his.
"I would argue with you, but you know as much as I about living in the shell of another. That is why I come to you, vampire."
"Oh," he sneered, "Is that it? I'm like you? A demon in a man's body? Well I've got news for you, bitch. This is MY body! I didn't crawl in and take it over, I took it back! Yeah, there was a time when this body had a demon puttin' up shop, but that isn't me. Not all of me! I've got my soul. MY soul! I'm not a man, I know that, but I'm not a monster like you."
"The glimmer of humanity," she whispered, her furrowed brow wavering almost imperceptibly, "That fetid detritus that corrupts and takes over. You have it, and yet you fight on, you remain a warrior."
She breathed heavily a few times, something he wasn't aware she did.
"How do you do it?"
---
He couldn't believe himself.
"So, what is it?" He asked, closing the door to the apartment he still kept, "What's got your leathers in a bunch?"
He couldn't believe he was going along with... it.
It spun about, taking in his meager dwelling. "Meager," it noted, "I suppose I should not be surprised that you live like a pauper."
"Yeah, this is the way to treat me," he nodded, "You can leave now."
"No!" it exclaimed instantly, "You must tell me what to do about this. I can not rely solely on the Watcher. He is merely human."
"Watcher? Wait, what he got to do with this?"
It stared at him blankly. "He is helping me to learn what is right in this world, how I can exist in it. But as I said, he cannot know what it is to be a demon. He is only a man."
"And I'm not a monster," he intoned, "At least not any more. If you'd caught me a couple years ago, I could'a given you a nice lecture on dealing with being muzzled, but nowadays? I don't care."
"You are... mistaken," it said softly, looking around for that idea again, "I do not seek how to keep my demon in check... but how to check the woman."
Oh, god, no. "Oh, god, no."
"She infests and cheapens," it began snarling, "She forces her memories into my mind, her shadows into my view. I cannot satisfy this... this ghost I cannot find. It should not belong, and it does not matter, but it remains, tormenting me with the stain of her."
Suddenly it came back to itself, focusing on him. "How?"
He blinked, trying to get things moving again. "How? How what?"
"How do you fight, vampire? I have already asked you this, and yet you don't answer! Your soul burns and festers inside your carcass, and yet you find some peace, some understanding that lets you walk, and move, and kill. How?"
"Peace?" He laughed out loud, "Is that what you want?"
It grimaced. "I come to you above the other because you are better acclimated to the stench of humanity. He sits and ponders and waits and worries, while you live and drink and take. There is an adaptation that you have made that he has not, and you must tell me how."
He kept laughing. "Oh, that's bloody hilarious. You really are a stupid twit, aren't you? You really think all that? That I've got some answer, some peace? You're dumber than I thought, and that's impressive."
"So, what?" it exlaimed, "You have no peace? No way? You continue as he does not! That much is true!"
"I don't do anything," he growled, suddenly serious, "I might not like that heap of moods, but I know what's true. He's had a sodding soul for a century, and I've had mine for two years. I used to think like you, like I had it all figured out, that he was just missing something... but that's stupidity. There is no answer, not that I know of. I'm a man, and a monster, and a lot of things besides, but I can't just shut down because I'm confused! I have to get up and go on and do what has to be done, because, goddamit, I'm able."
It was clearly confused. "You say that you know no respite? You suffer as the other does, remorse and regret stinking to the very core of you? I see nothing to keep you motivated, to keep you from feeling as... he. You have a secret, and will not tell it to me."
It stepped forward, malice in its empty eyes. "But I will get it from you."
He began to laugh again, this time louder and maliciously.
"Stop laughing, leech! Stop, or you will be dust before you can think on your stupidity!"
Wiping tears from his eyes, he leaned forward to her. "The only stupidity I can think about right now is yours. You don't get it, and I don't think you can. You're empty, but you feel like you're full. Well, guess what? You're not. You're not a woman, you're a thing. You'll always be a thing, and as I see it, you deserve to have her hang that over your head every minute."
"You do not know what suffering is, beast!" it exclaimed, "What I am is old, and useless, and forgotten! All that is left is a shell, tainting me with what I hate, and will never be, but must become. You know nothing of pain."
And he slugged it.
"Shut your mouth!" He shouted, his vampire face manifesting, "You're a joke, and not a very funny one. Every word you say is ashes in the mouth of the people she loved. You'll never be her. You'll never be anything but a husk of a demon. She was a better thing than you'll ever know! She was better than all of us! You want me to help you? Let me kill you. That's the only way you'll ever find your bleeding peace. You don't want help. You want out."
It was kneeling, blue hair shading its face from his view. But he could hear breathing, ragged and quick, irregular in the way of fury. He stood his ground, waiting for it to attack at any moment. He knew it would.
"I want out," it breathed softly, not bothering to look at him, "I cannot exist as I do now, and I cannot become what I was. If I am to live, it will have to be as you, a demon in the shape of a human. I remember her life, her laughable human emotion... and it will not let me go. The only thing more disgusting than her humanity is its effect on me."
It finally stood, its face tear-streaked. "I am corrupt, and I cannot understand the meaning of it. So, yes, I want out. I would just as soon give her back, if it meant pulling her out of my being. I cannot destroy her, and I fear she will destroy me."
He stood, not knowing what to do. It just kept staring at him blankly, terrified and hateful, and breathing with gasps.
"Help me." It said softly, sounding like her.
And he could see the disgust on her face.