Angel
The Return of Warren
By Alex Stockwell
Intro: End of Episode X
Wesley is sitting in his office at Wolfram & Hart after that week's
adventure, looking over a book of prophecies, when a new one appears
before him. He reads it a couple of times, then gets up and rushes to Angel's
office. There he finds Angel looking at some paper work.
"Angel."
Angel looks up. "Hm?"
"New prophecy. From the looks of it, it should have appeared over a
week ago."
"Sounds about right. What's it about?"
"Something about an evil mortal returning, and gaining unholy
power."
"Vampirism's pretty unholy."
"Yes, well, I'll have Fred cross reference that possibility, though it
says this mortal will be more powerful than any vampire."
Shrugging, "Maybe he or she was a wizard."
"Well, I'm trying not to think of that. Last time I did I had to do my
laundry early."
Meanwhile, in a dark alley, all is still. Suddenly, there's a rumbling
noise, a great swirling wind, and a bright light from above. Out of the
ruckus, a body falls, a young man with sideburns and a lot of body hair. It's
Warren Meers. Groaning, he gets up, stumbles around, and grunts, "Where
the hell am I?"
He's answered by a voice from the shadows. "Back where you
belong."
"Who are you?"
"Oh, no one you know. But we do have a common acquaintance."
"Who?"
Just then, Drusilla steps out of the shadows. "Spoike."
End of episode. Cue closing credits.
Episode: Best Served Cold
Previously, on Angel, and on Buffy.
"His name is Warren Meers. He was at Sunnydale with us for a
semester."
"I'm placing an order."
"We're, like, Super Villains. Heh heh!"
"You're a sad little boy!"
"You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away
with it?!? Think again!" Blam Blam! Tink!
"Tara?"
"Help!!"
"Bored now." Rriip!
"An evil mortal returning, and gaining unholy power."
"Who are you?"
"Oh, no one you know. But we do have a common acquaintance."
"Who?"
"Spoike."
Fade in.
Fred is at her computer, while Spike looks over her shoulder.
"So Captain Forehead thinks some powerful wizard is gonna be
resurrected and turned into a vamp?"
"That's about the gist of it. I'm looking for wizards who died an
untimely death."
"Well, you get too serious with that stuff, an untimely death is pretty
much guaranteed."
Fred rubs her brow. "I can't help but think we're missing something.
Like the thing we're looking for happened when we were all too
preoccupied to notice. And I also think it's not gonna be on here, like
maybe this wizard died right after gaining this awesome power."
Spike suddenly looks thoughtful, "You know, science queen, that just
rang a bell up here," points to head, "but I have no idea what it means."
Cut back to Warren in the alley with Drusilla.
"How do you know Spike?"
"I sired the naughty boy."
"So, why bring me back?"
"Cause you're a smart boy, and powerful, too."
"And I knew Spike. So, what do you want me to do?"
"Bring me my two bad boys."
"Two?"
"Spoike and Angel."
"Okay, so what's in it for me?"
"Well," Drusilla giggled, "to get them, you're gonna need something
from me. And, when you're done," she giggled a little more, "you can take
revenge on the one that done you in!"
Warren smiles viciously, "Willow."
Cue opening credits.
Angel
David Boreanaz
Alexis Denisof
J. August Richards
Amy Acker
Andy Hallet
Tom Lenk
And James Marsters
Created by Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt
Special Guest Stars
Juliet Landau
Alyson Hannigan
Iyari Limon
Adam Busch as Warren
Fade in.
Willow and Kennedy are having lunch on San Francisco's famous
Fisherman's Wharf.
"This place is better than the place we ate at yesterday." Kennedy
says.
"Yeah, I don't think I'll ever get sick of eating clams." Willow
replies.
Looking off into the distance, Kennedy points with her plastic fork.
"Was that shack there earlier?"
Willow looks in the direction she's pointing at. After a long pause, "I
think I should go over there."
"What?"
"I don't know, I just feel like I should go."
Meanwhile, Lorne is listening to Andrew sing.
"At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina."
"Hm, interesting."
Just then, Gunn sticks his head in. "Hey, Green Jeans. If you got a
moment, Angel wants to go over the entertainment for Johnson's retirement
party."
"Okay, Kato. Uh, talk to you later, Andrew."
"'Kay."
Andrew goes to the break room, and gets a can of Jolt from the fridge.
Leaving, he runs into Spike going in to get some blood.
"Hey, kid. Just been in with Greeny?"
"Yeah. I had a weird dream, so he had me sing Star Wars Cantina."
"I sang My Way."
"Interesting choice. So, what's this about a new vamp coming to
wreak havoc?"
"Oh, yeah, Boss Man and Percy say some evil mortal with a lot of
power's gonna get raised and then turned."
"A lot of power?" Andrew looks like a bell just rang.
"Yeah. Fred reckons he or she might have gotten all this power then
gotten himself killed before he could gain any kind of fame, which is why
we're having such a bloody hard time finding him."
Andrew looked anxious. "That's.interesting."
"Well, anyway, must eat, or I'm dead all day."
"Um, okay."
Spike walks into the break room, and is opening the fridge, when he
hears a voice behind him.
"Hey, Spike." Spike turns around, and sees a familiar face.
"Warren?"
"You remember me. Good."
"Didn't you die?"
"I could ask you the same question."
"Yeah, but I had some pendant thingy. What's your excuse?"
Warren smirks. "Oh, I think you know her. Black hair, fair skin,
talks like she's stoned."
Spike's brow furrows. "Dru? Why would she bring you back?"
"Cause we have something in common. You."
"So, what, does she want you to deliver a message?"
"No, not really. I don't think she would've exchanged plasma with
me just for a piddling message."
Spike's brow furrows even more. "She vamped you?"
"Ding ding ding! Rob Roddy, tell the man what he wins." Dead
silence. "Oh, wait, he died, didn't he. Oh, well." Warren vamps out.
"Enough banter, Dru wants you, pronto."
"Hello, earth to robot boy, you're a new vamp. You think you can
take me?"
"A new vamp? Could a new vamp do this?" Warren lashes his hand
out, and lightning flies from his fingers and tazes Spike, who screams,
lurches, and falls down. Warren ambles over to Spike, twitching on the
floor. "You like that? I call it my Emperor Palpatine Special." He then
continues to jolt Spike for half a minute, then leans over, and says, "Oh,
before we go, I gotta leave a message. Not for Dru, this is my own affair."
He pulls out a knife. "You mind?"
Break for commercial.
Twenty minutes later, Angel and Gunn saunter into the break room.
"Yeah, so Johnson wants Krilocch demon strippers. That is legal,
right?"
"Yeah, but not very appealing. He does know Krilocchs have both
sets of genitals, right?"
"Yeah, he-" Angel stops in midsentence. "The window's broken."
He edges away, so as not to catch any sunlight.
"You smell that?" Gunn sniffs. "Smells like burnt hair gel."
"Hm.The fridge door's open, too. Think they're related?"
"How about adding in the message in blood on our wall?"
Angel turns and sees Gunn staring at the wall to their left, then stares
with him for a moment. "Pretty good penmanship for bloodwriting on a
wall. 'I'm coming for you, dyke.'" Turns to Gunn. "Think he means
Willow?"
"I don't know, but that ain't pig's blood. Whoever took Spike used
him for a pen."
"Well, looks like we have one piece of our magivamp puzzle.
Whoever it was knew Spike, and probably knew Willow too."
"Tell Fred. She knows Will pretty closely."
Meanwhile, Warren is dropping Spike off at Dru's hideout.
Spike, half-conscious, says, "Why didn't Andrew see you?"
"Simple invisibility spell. Just walked right by me."
"Okay, how'd you get into WH without setting off any alarms?"
"Oh, yeah, the welcoming thingy. It's a law firm, open to anyone
seeking retribution."
"You're after Red?"
"Right again. You know, that's one thing we have in common; we've
both been totally incinerated. Only difference is, before that, I had my skin
ripped off."
"Oh, boo hoo. Ever have a chip in your head that goes off when you
try to hurt someone?"
"No, but you got laid before you died."
"Alright, you win. You realize Dru's only using you."
"Completely. Just like I'm using her to get back at Willow. And, also
to release twenty-one years of sexual frustration."
"So, what are you gonna do, kill her?"
"Maybe, eventually. First, though, there are some other things I might
do to her. Still working on that."
"So," Spike slumps a little, "why didn't you need to cover up when
you were taking me here? I didn't see any leather trenchcoat on you."
"Another thing we have in common." Warren walked around, waving
his arms dramatically, "Dru told me about this thing you once went after
called the Gem of Amara. Apparently, this Angel guy destroyed it, but not
too completely for someone of my magical acumen to reassemble. Of
course, you won't find it on me now. I absorbed it, so I could wield it's
power without someone taking it from me, and turning me into powder."
"Geez, Spock, you thought of everything."
Just then, Drusilla walks in. "Yes, he is a smart boy." She and
Warren start necking.
"Eeyugh." Spike says.
Warren frees his lips for a second. "Still can't believe you let this one
go. For what? Super bitch? She looks like a beef jerky with blonde hair,
for crisakes!"
"Yeah, you would've shagged her."
"Yeah, beggars can't be choosers. But you're not exactly a beggar,
are you?"
"I do pretty well."
Meanwhile, Fred is taking a sample of the blood from the wall. "It's a
longshot, but the blood might contain traces of the knife used, especially if it
was used on the wall. Hopefully, this person doesn't just use generic
cutlery."
Andrew walks in. "Hey, what's happening?"
"Oh, don't come in here, Andrew. It's pretty gruesome."
"Don't worry, I haven't eaten. All I'll do is dry heave."
Angel speaks. "Someone took Spike."
"Did they leave any clues?"
Lorne comes in behind him. "Okay, Wesley tried to reach Willow,
but she can't seem to be found."
"What about Willow?" Andrew asks, getting anxious.
"Apparently," Lorne says, to Andrew, "whoever took Spike also knew
Willow."
"What?"
Gunn speaks, "Left a little calling card, written in blood on the wall.
'I'm coming for you, dyke.'"
Andrew, in his quiet, worried tone, says, "I knew someone who talked
like that."
"Who?"
Spike is now chained to a post on the floor, and Drusilla is bringing in
a car battery, as Warren leans over. "Triscuit?"
Break for commercial.
Warren is instructing Dru on placing the alligator clips. "Yeah, put
'em on his nipples." Warren reaches over and presses a button on the car
battery, and Spike lurches in pain.
"AAAUUURRRGGGHHH!!!" After it stops, Spike, gasping for air,
says, "You know, those guys are gonna come for me soon."
"They don't even know who took you."
"Don't bet on it. Andrew's there."
Warren is silent for a minute, then says, "Ah, crud. I'm gonna have
to move up kidnapping this Angel guy, then. It's alright, though. Adapt."
Then he presses the button again.
At W&H, Andrew is talking to the others. "And he made it look like
Buffy killed her by accident."
"Geez." Wesley says. "And now he's probably a vampire." He
shivers.
"I didn't say anything earlier because I wasn't sure. But it's definitely
him."
"So, how powerful is he?" Angel says.
"Well, he soaked up quite a lot of magic before he got killed. If he
still has it, God only knows."
Back at the hideout, Warren is getting ready to go out. "What do you
think, Dru? Metroid, or Zelda?"
"Um, Idunno."
"I'll wear Zelda." He scrambles into the Zelda t-shirt, then points to
the car battery. "Now remember, just press that button, to get him to go all
lurchy." He walks out the door, then gets into a blue bug, and drives off.
A half hour later, Angel is walking into the lobby at W&H, with Fred
behind. "Okay, so we've got our best men searching for this guy, so far,
nothing."
"You know, after what Andrew told us, I actually find myself worried
about Spike. Hard to believe no one's seen this nutjob."
In the lobby, people are running back and forth, on their own little
errands. Gunn comes up, and says, "We got a few leads on Crazy White
Boy's whereabouts. A couple of witnesses spotted him going into an
abandoned building near the redlight district, carrying a car battery."
"Car battery?" Angel is stunned for a second. "This guy's sick. And
I should know, I used to be an expert on torture."
Just then, Warren walks in the front door with a bullhorn. He flicks a
switch, and it blasts "Hallelujah Chorus" for a second, getting everyone's
attention. He curses under his breath, and fiddles with it, trying to find the
right switch. When he does, he brings it to his lips, while everyone stares
amazed. "Okay, how is everyone today? Great, listen, I'm looking for this
guy Angel. Which one of you is Angel? Anyone? Look, fess up, or I start
frying brains."
Break for commercial
"C'mon, I'm serious here."
Angel steps through the crowd. "I'm Angel. And you are?"
"Warren. Nice to meet ya." He makes a handshake motion, and
lightning once again flies from his fingertips, which Angel dodges. "Damn.
Well, you were on your guard, unlike Spike." He then jumps up, and does a
Matrix move, kicking Angel in the chest. "Just call me Neo." A bunch of
security guards show up. "Oh, cool! I was hoping I'd get to do this." The
second the guards start firing, Warren does the sideways-wall-running move,
and quickly garrotes all of them with a pocket knife, then he licks the blade,
and, in a Mister Burns voice, says, "Precious blood." He then blasts Angel,
who's still on the floor, with a few thousand volts, and then holds him up by
the neck. "So you're this Angel guy. Thought you'd be Mexican. Like
your hair, though."
"Put him down." Wesley says, appearing out of nowhere, with a
shotgun aimed point blank at Warren's back. Warren drops Angel and then
does a back-flip, landing behind Wes, and grabs and breaks his arm in one
swift motion. Wesley, as tough as he is, lets out a blood-curdling scream.
"I've always wanted to do that!" A couple of arrows land dead center
in his chest. Looking down at them, he says, "Oh, yeah, forgot to mention
that. Reassembled that gem of Amara thingy, and absorbed it, so now I'm
indestructible." He looks at the person who fired them, Gunn, and says,
"Hadouken!" and a fireball flies out from his hand, and explodes right in
front of Gunn, knocking him on his ass. "Anyone else wanna play?" Warren
says, like in a bad action movie. Just then, Lorne, who was out getting
lunch, walks in at the wrong time.
"Hey, I got lun-" and Warren puts him in a headlock.
"Hey, you're Pylaean, right?" then he grabs Lorne by the hair, and
sings, "Momma had a baby and his head popped off!" and he rips off
Lorne's head with 'head,' and then dropkicks it. "Well, it's been fun," he
picks up Angel, "But I gotta go."
"Not if I can help it." Warren looks at the front door, and sees who
just entered.
"Willow. I guess ripping my skin off once wasn't enough for you."
"I'm not here for revenge this time. I'm here to stop you."
"Please, not even Dark Willow could stop me now. Still, tempting,
isn't it? I know you still lust for the power again. Open up, let go!"
Willow just looks solemn for a minute, then says, "Nope, sorry. Not
gonna work."
"Oh, fine." He fires a powerful magical blast at her, which she blocks
with her hands, then channels back at him. "Ouch. Well, this should work."
He casts a vacuum pocket in front of her, knocking her off her feet, and
break several windows around her. "See you soon." He then flies out the
door with Angel in tow, covered in a dark field. After a dozen yards, he runs
into Kennedy, guarding outside, who whacks him with a baseball bat, not
phasing him, but getting his attention. "Who the hell are you?"
"Name's Kennedy. I'm with Willow."
"Oh, I see. So, I kill her one true love, and she goes and scoffs
another! Now that really burns my ass. You know you're only a rebound
muff, right?"
"SHUT UP!" Then she hits him so hard, she breaks the bat.
"Looks like I hit a nerve." He then cracks her on the jaw, knocking
her out. "Bye." And he's gone.
A few minutes later, everyone's recovering from the encounter.
Lorne is having his head reattached, and Wesley's arm is being set back.
Willow squats in front of him. "What happened?"
"Well, he just sort of.showed up, and the carnage ensued. He said
he reassembled the gem of Amara, then absorbed it."
"So we can't take it from him?"
"No. And he still has all the magic he had when you killed him."
"Yeah, I knew that."
"How?"
"I'll tell you later. So, who made him a vamp?"
"Drusilla. That's why he took Angel and Spike. She wants revenge
on them, and in return, she gave him what he needed to have his revenge on
you."
"I figured something like that. I wish I had some idea what he plans
to do. He's obviously not gonna just kill me."
"Yeah," Lorne said, getting onto his feet, "about that. Right before he
ripped my head off, he sang a little ditty often associated with dandelions,
and I got a glimpse of his plan. He hadn't figured out what he was gonna do
yet, but he had figured out who it would involve."
"Who?"
Just then, Warren got back to his and Dru's lair, where Dru was
having fun with the car battery. Seeing Angel, she squealed with glee, and
ran over to him, and held his head up. "Hello, deary. Miss me?"
"Hey, guess who I ran into."
"Oh, did you kill her? Did you spray her guts?"
"No, that wouldn't have satisfied me. Especially now that I finally
know what I'm gonna do to her."
"Ooh, tell!"
"She thinks she's Miss Spiritual Strength now? Miss.Like-a-Rock?
Let's see what happens when I make her slay the love of her life!"
To be continued.
The Return of Warren
By Alex Stockwell
Intro: End of Episode X
Wesley is sitting in his office at Wolfram & Hart after that week's
adventure, looking over a book of prophecies, when a new one appears
before him. He reads it a couple of times, then gets up and rushes to Angel's
office. There he finds Angel looking at some paper work.
"Angel."
Angel looks up. "Hm?"
"New prophecy. From the looks of it, it should have appeared over a
week ago."
"Sounds about right. What's it about?"
"Something about an evil mortal returning, and gaining unholy
power."
"Vampirism's pretty unholy."
"Yes, well, I'll have Fred cross reference that possibility, though it
says this mortal will be more powerful than any vampire."
Shrugging, "Maybe he or she was a wizard."
"Well, I'm trying not to think of that. Last time I did I had to do my
laundry early."
Meanwhile, in a dark alley, all is still. Suddenly, there's a rumbling
noise, a great swirling wind, and a bright light from above. Out of the
ruckus, a body falls, a young man with sideburns and a lot of body hair. It's
Warren Meers. Groaning, he gets up, stumbles around, and grunts, "Where
the hell am I?"
He's answered by a voice from the shadows. "Back where you
belong."
"Who are you?"
"Oh, no one you know. But we do have a common acquaintance."
"Who?"
Just then, Drusilla steps out of the shadows. "Spoike."
End of episode. Cue closing credits.
Episode: Best Served Cold
Previously, on Angel, and on Buffy.
"His name is Warren Meers. He was at Sunnydale with us for a
semester."
"I'm placing an order."
"We're, like, Super Villains. Heh heh!"
"You're a sad little boy!"
"You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away
with it?!? Think again!" Blam Blam! Tink!
"Tara?"
"Help!!"
"Bored now." Rriip!
"An evil mortal returning, and gaining unholy power."
"Who are you?"
"Oh, no one you know. But we do have a common acquaintance."
"Who?"
"Spoike."
Fade in.
Fred is at her computer, while Spike looks over her shoulder.
"So Captain Forehead thinks some powerful wizard is gonna be
resurrected and turned into a vamp?"
"That's about the gist of it. I'm looking for wizards who died an
untimely death."
"Well, you get too serious with that stuff, an untimely death is pretty
much guaranteed."
Fred rubs her brow. "I can't help but think we're missing something.
Like the thing we're looking for happened when we were all too
preoccupied to notice. And I also think it's not gonna be on here, like
maybe this wizard died right after gaining this awesome power."
Spike suddenly looks thoughtful, "You know, science queen, that just
rang a bell up here," points to head, "but I have no idea what it means."
Cut back to Warren in the alley with Drusilla.
"How do you know Spike?"
"I sired the naughty boy."
"So, why bring me back?"
"Cause you're a smart boy, and powerful, too."
"And I knew Spike. So, what do you want me to do?"
"Bring me my two bad boys."
"Two?"
"Spoike and Angel."
"Okay, so what's in it for me?"
"Well," Drusilla giggled, "to get them, you're gonna need something
from me. And, when you're done," she giggled a little more, "you can take
revenge on the one that done you in!"
Warren smiles viciously, "Willow."
Cue opening credits.
Angel
David Boreanaz
Alexis Denisof
J. August Richards
Amy Acker
Andy Hallet
Tom Lenk
And James Marsters
Created by Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt
Special Guest Stars
Juliet Landau
Alyson Hannigan
Iyari Limon
Adam Busch as Warren
Fade in.
Willow and Kennedy are having lunch on San Francisco's famous
Fisherman's Wharf.
"This place is better than the place we ate at yesterday." Kennedy
says.
"Yeah, I don't think I'll ever get sick of eating clams." Willow
replies.
Looking off into the distance, Kennedy points with her plastic fork.
"Was that shack there earlier?"
Willow looks in the direction she's pointing at. After a long pause, "I
think I should go over there."
"What?"
"I don't know, I just feel like I should go."
Meanwhile, Lorne is listening to Andrew sing.
"At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina."
"Hm, interesting."
Just then, Gunn sticks his head in. "Hey, Green Jeans. If you got a
moment, Angel wants to go over the entertainment for Johnson's retirement
party."
"Okay, Kato. Uh, talk to you later, Andrew."
"'Kay."
Andrew goes to the break room, and gets a can of Jolt from the fridge.
Leaving, he runs into Spike going in to get some blood.
"Hey, kid. Just been in with Greeny?"
"Yeah. I had a weird dream, so he had me sing Star Wars Cantina."
"I sang My Way."
"Interesting choice. So, what's this about a new vamp coming to
wreak havoc?"
"Oh, yeah, Boss Man and Percy say some evil mortal with a lot of
power's gonna get raised and then turned."
"A lot of power?" Andrew looks like a bell just rang.
"Yeah. Fred reckons he or she might have gotten all this power then
gotten himself killed before he could gain any kind of fame, which is why
we're having such a bloody hard time finding him."
Andrew looked anxious. "That's.interesting."
"Well, anyway, must eat, or I'm dead all day."
"Um, okay."
Spike walks into the break room, and is opening the fridge, when he
hears a voice behind him.
"Hey, Spike." Spike turns around, and sees a familiar face.
"Warren?"
"You remember me. Good."
"Didn't you die?"
"I could ask you the same question."
"Yeah, but I had some pendant thingy. What's your excuse?"
Warren smirks. "Oh, I think you know her. Black hair, fair skin,
talks like she's stoned."
Spike's brow furrows. "Dru? Why would she bring you back?"
"Cause we have something in common. You."
"So, what, does she want you to deliver a message?"
"No, not really. I don't think she would've exchanged plasma with
me just for a piddling message."
Spike's brow furrows even more. "She vamped you?"
"Ding ding ding! Rob Roddy, tell the man what he wins." Dead
silence. "Oh, wait, he died, didn't he. Oh, well." Warren vamps out.
"Enough banter, Dru wants you, pronto."
"Hello, earth to robot boy, you're a new vamp. You think you can
take me?"
"A new vamp? Could a new vamp do this?" Warren lashes his hand
out, and lightning flies from his fingers and tazes Spike, who screams,
lurches, and falls down. Warren ambles over to Spike, twitching on the
floor. "You like that? I call it my Emperor Palpatine Special." He then
continues to jolt Spike for half a minute, then leans over, and says, "Oh,
before we go, I gotta leave a message. Not for Dru, this is my own affair."
He pulls out a knife. "You mind?"
Break for commercial.
Twenty minutes later, Angel and Gunn saunter into the break room.
"Yeah, so Johnson wants Krilocch demon strippers. That is legal,
right?"
"Yeah, but not very appealing. He does know Krilocchs have both
sets of genitals, right?"
"Yeah, he-" Angel stops in midsentence. "The window's broken."
He edges away, so as not to catch any sunlight.
"You smell that?" Gunn sniffs. "Smells like burnt hair gel."
"Hm.The fridge door's open, too. Think they're related?"
"How about adding in the message in blood on our wall?"
Angel turns and sees Gunn staring at the wall to their left, then stares
with him for a moment. "Pretty good penmanship for bloodwriting on a
wall. 'I'm coming for you, dyke.'" Turns to Gunn. "Think he means
Willow?"
"I don't know, but that ain't pig's blood. Whoever took Spike used
him for a pen."
"Well, looks like we have one piece of our magivamp puzzle.
Whoever it was knew Spike, and probably knew Willow too."
"Tell Fred. She knows Will pretty closely."
Meanwhile, Warren is dropping Spike off at Dru's hideout.
Spike, half-conscious, says, "Why didn't Andrew see you?"
"Simple invisibility spell. Just walked right by me."
"Okay, how'd you get into WH without setting off any alarms?"
"Oh, yeah, the welcoming thingy. It's a law firm, open to anyone
seeking retribution."
"You're after Red?"
"Right again. You know, that's one thing we have in common; we've
both been totally incinerated. Only difference is, before that, I had my skin
ripped off."
"Oh, boo hoo. Ever have a chip in your head that goes off when you
try to hurt someone?"
"No, but you got laid before you died."
"Alright, you win. You realize Dru's only using you."
"Completely. Just like I'm using her to get back at Willow. And, also
to release twenty-one years of sexual frustration."
"So, what are you gonna do, kill her?"
"Maybe, eventually. First, though, there are some other things I might
do to her. Still working on that."
"So," Spike slumps a little, "why didn't you need to cover up when
you were taking me here? I didn't see any leather trenchcoat on you."
"Another thing we have in common." Warren walked around, waving
his arms dramatically, "Dru told me about this thing you once went after
called the Gem of Amara. Apparently, this Angel guy destroyed it, but not
too completely for someone of my magical acumen to reassemble. Of
course, you won't find it on me now. I absorbed it, so I could wield it's
power without someone taking it from me, and turning me into powder."
"Geez, Spock, you thought of everything."
Just then, Drusilla walks in. "Yes, he is a smart boy." She and
Warren start necking.
"Eeyugh." Spike says.
Warren frees his lips for a second. "Still can't believe you let this one
go. For what? Super bitch? She looks like a beef jerky with blonde hair,
for crisakes!"
"Yeah, you would've shagged her."
"Yeah, beggars can't be choosers. But you're not exactly a beggar,
are you?"
"I do pretty well."
Meanwhile, Fred is taking a sample of the blood from the wall. "It's a
longshot, but the blood might contain traces of the knife used, especially if it
was used on the wall. Hopefully, this person doesn't just use generic
cutlery."
Andrew walks in. "Hey, what's happening?"
"Oh, don't come in here, Andrew. It's pretty gruesome."
"Don't worry, I haven't eaten. All I'll do is dry heave."
Angel speaks. "Someone took Spike."
"Did they leave any clues?"
Lorne comes in behind him. "Okay, Wesley tried to reach Willow,
but she can't seem to be found."
"What about Willow?" Andrew asks, getting anxious.
"Apparently," Lorne says, to Andrew, "whoever took Spike also knew
Willow."
"What?"
Gunn speaks, "Left a little calling card, written in blood on the wall.
'I'm coming for you, dyke.'"
Andrew, in his quiet, worried tone, says, "I knew someone who talked
like that."
"Who?"
Spike is now chained to a post on the floor, and Drusilla is bringing in
a car battery, as Warren leans over. "Triscuit?"
Break for commercial.
Warren is instructing Dru on placing the alligator clips. "Yeah, put
'em on his nipples." Warren reaches over and presses a button on the car
battery, and Spike lurches in pain.
"AAAUUURRRGGGHHH!!!" After it stops, Spike, gasping for air,
says, "You know, those guys are gonna come for me soon."
"They don't even know who took you."
"Don't bet on it. Andrew's there."
Warren is silent for a minute, then says, "Ah, crud. I'm gonna have
to move up kidnapping this Angel guy, then. It's alright, though. Adapt."
Then he presses the button again.
At W&H, Andrew is talking to the others. "And he made it look like
Buffy killed her by accident."
"Geez." Wesley says. "And now he's probably a vampire." He
shivers.
"I didn't say anything earlier because I wasn't sure. But it's definitely
him."
"So, how powerful is he?" Angel says.
"Well, he soaked up quite a lot of magic before he got killed. If he
still has it, God only knows."
Back at the hideout, Warren is getting ready to go out. "What do you
think, Dru? Metroid, or Zelda?"
"Um, Idunno."
"I'll wear Zelda." He scrambles into the Zelda t-shirt, then points to
the car battery. "Now remember, just press that button, to get him to go all
lurchy." He walks out the door, then gets into a blue bug, and drives off.
A half hour later, Angel is walking into the lobby at W&H, with Fred
behind. "Okay, so we've got our best men searching for this guy, so far,
nothing."
"You know, after what Andrew told us, I actually find myself worried
about Spike. Hard to believe no one's seen this nutjob."
In the lobby, people are running back and forth, on their own little
errands. Gunn comes up, and says, "We got a few leads on Crazy White
Boy's whereabouts. A couple of witnesses spotted him going into an
abandoned building near the redlight district, carrying a car battery."
"Car battery?" Angel is stunned for a second. "This guy's sick. And
I should know, I used to be an expert on torture."
Just then, Warren walks in the front door with a bullhorn. He flicks a
switch, and it blasts "Hallelujah Chorus" for a second, getting everyone's
attention. He curses under his breath, and fiddles with it, trying to find the
right switch. When he does, he brings it to his lips, while everyone stares
amazed. "Okay, how is everyone today? Great, listen, I'm looking for this
guy Angel. Which one of you is Angel? Anyone? Look, fess up, or I start
frying brains."
Break for commercial
"C'mon, I'm serious here."
Angel steps through the crowd. "I'm Angel. And you are?"
"Warren. Nice to meet ya." He makes a handshake motion, and
lightning once again flies from his fingertips, which Angel dodges. "Damn.
Well, you were on your guard, unlike Spike." He then jumps up, and does a
Matrix move, kicking Angel in the chest. "Just call me Neo." A bunch of
security guards show up. "Oh, cool! I was hoping I'd get to do this." The
second the guards start firing, Warren does the sideways-wall-running move,
and quickly garrotes all of them with a pocket knife, then he licks the blade,
and, in a Mister Burns voice, says, "Precious blood." He then blasts Angel,
who's still on the floor, with a few thousand volts, and then holds him up by
the neck. "So you're this Angel guy. Thought you'd be Mexican. Like
your hair, though."
"Put him down." Wesley says, appearing out of nowhere, with a
shotgun aimed point blank at Warren's back. Warren drops Angel and then
does a back-flip, landing behind Wes, and grabs and breaks his arm in one
swift motion. Wesley, as tough as he is, lets out a blood-curdling scream.
"I've always wanted to do that!" A couple of arrows land dead center
in his chest. Looking down at them, he says, "Oh, yeah, forgot to mention
that. Reassembled that gem of Amara thingy, and absorbed it, so now I'm
indestructible." He looks at the person who fired them, Gunn, and says,
"Hadouken!" and a fireball flies out from his hand, and explodes right in
front of Gunn, knocking him on his ass. "Anyone else wanna play?" Warren
says, like in a bad action movie. Just then, Lorne, who was out getting
lunch, walks in at the wrong time.
"Hey, I got lun-" and Warren puts him in a headlock.
"Hey, you're Pylaean, right?" then he grabs Lorne by the hair, and
sings, "Momma had a baby and his head popped off!" and he rips off
Lorne's head with 'head,' and then dropkicks it. "Well, it's been fun," he
picks up Angel, "But I gotta go."
"Not if I can help it." Warren looks at the front door, and sees who
just entered.
"Willow. I guess ripping my skin off once wasn't enough for you."
"I'm not here for revenge this time. I'm here to stop you."
"Please, not even Dark Willow could stop me now. Still, tempting,
isn't it? I know you still lust for the power again. Open up, let go!"
Willow just looks solemn for a minute, then says, "Nope, sorry. Not
gonna work."
"Oh, fine." He fires a powerful magical blast at her, which she blocks
with her hands, then channels back at him. "Ouch. Well, this should work."
He casts a vacuum pocket in front of her, knocking her off her feet, and
break several windows around her. "See you soon." He then flies out the
door with Angel in tow, covered in a dark field. After a dozen yards, he runs
into Kennedy, guarding outside, who whacks him with a baseball bat, not
phasing him, but getting his attention. "Who the hell are you?"
"Name's Kennedy. I'm with Willow."
"Oh, I see. So, I kill her one true love, and she goes and scoffs
another! Now that really burns my ass. You know you're only a rebound
muff, right?"
"SHUT UP!" Then she hits him so hard, she breaks the bat.
"Looks like I hit a nerve." He then cracks her on the jaw, knocking
her out. "Bye." And he's gone.
A few minutes later, everyone's recovering from the encounter.
Lorne is having his head reattached, and Wesley's arm is being set back.
Willow squats in front of him. "What happened?"
"Well, he just sort of.showed up, and the carnage ensued. He said
he reassembled the gem of Amara, then absorbed it."
"So we can't take it from him?"
"No. And he still has all the magic he had when you killed him."
"Yeah, I knew that."
"How?"
"I'll tell you later. So, who made him a vamp?"
"Drusilla. That's why he took Angel and Spike. She wants revenge
on them, and in return, she gave him what he needed to have his revenge on
you."
"I figured something like that. I wish I had some idea what he plans
to do. He's obviously not gonna just kill me."
"Yeah," Lorne said, getting onto his feet, "about that. Right before he
ripped my head off, he sang a little ditty often associated with dandelions,
and I got a glimpse of his plan. He hadn't figured out what he was gonna do
yet, but he had figured out who it would involve."
"Who?"
Just then, Warren got back to his and Dru's lair, where Dru was
having fun with the car battery. Seeing Angel, she squealed with glee, and
ran over to him, and held his head up. "Hello, deary. Miss me?"
"Hey, guess who I ran into."
"Oh, did you kill her? Did you spray her guts?"
"No, that wouldn't have satisfied me. Especially now that I finally
know what I'm gonna do to her."
"Ooh, tell!"
"She thinks she's Miss Spiritual Strength now? Miss.Like-a-Rock?
Let's see what happens when I make her slay the love of her life!"
To be continued.