My Immortal
Schizophrenic
I am cast out. My soul sent down to Jigoku, to feel pain eternally. But is there really a heaven? This is a hades, a place of torture, a place of reward, for each and every thing we've done; this is our everlasting home now.
My one comfort is to watch as my otherself, as Shinta continues on in his life. Himura Kenshin has died, only Shinta remains. A body that once shared two souls is now left with a single master. I will no longer have to fight to break out of that cage to get in control. I was defeated, if you think about it. But not by Shinta. I would not fall to that weakling.
It was Hiko who truly banished me, gave the one who was in control absolute dominance, the right to never have to fight for his own body again. But it was my body first, really. I, as Shinta was born in a poor family that owed debts to our Daiyamo. My parents would have worked that debt off all their lives, but they died of Cholera. The sickness took my parents when I was but four. I was sold to pay off that debt; sold into the slave trade.
Akane, Kasumi, Sakura
Their sacrifice was noble. They died for me when I had known them but for a day. They died protecting me. I can only hope that death was kinder to them than life would have been. Who could know what they may have had to do while living.
And even as I think these things, Shinta now proves the opposite. He believes only in the will to live. That life is so much better than death. No. Some things are worth dying for. Some things are worth killing for. He, of all people should have realized this.
Even then, I knew that what Master Hiko had done was right. He protected me, an innocent at the time, from death at the cost of two other men's lives. I would do the same. So Hiko took me in, gave me a new name, a name that was mine alone. It still is. I am Himura Kenshin. I am The Hitokiri Battousai. It was at that moment I existed, that Shinta's mind, and soul, split in two. He was no longer one, but two completely separate entities. His mind needed one to endure, to cope with the changes. So Shinta slept for a time. He was, at times, present during my training (and yes, I say 'my' for Hiko was training a new creation, his "Heart of Sword".) but for the most part it was I who was consious. If indeed you can call the other side of it unconsiousness. For though when I was not in control, I watched, I learned. But I did not disagree with what Shinta continued to do, so I did not fight him, or try to regain control, I was happy to just watch. But Shinta found little to his intrest in my "Art of Murder" as Hiko would call it. (Though I disagree.)
By this time Shinta was content to sleep and did not even watch for a time. Once I really started to work during the Bakumatsu though, he began to wake up. He did not understand what I was doing, or why. All he knew was that I killed, that I did so almost every night. For all he knew, I was a serial killer. He fought what I did, raged on the inside, struggled to tear loose. At times, when I was consentrating on other things so very deeply, he would manage to wrest control away from me. My fight with Kiyosato was one example of that, where he managed to flash into control for mear seconds before I forced myself back in control. He was horrified at what I had done. He wanted to make up for that. Of course he didn't.
It was myself alone who put the flower on Kiyosato's corpse.
Shinta did not----would not, understand what I was doing. I suppose he was too scarred by the incident with the bandits in our childhood. He said all killing was a mortal sin, something he could never really atone for. I believe I was justified for what I did.
I was fighting for the comon people, for those who could not fight for themselves. I was not wrong in doing so. I am condemned for killing, but by people who do not understand that is was not fun, it was not enjoyable. I did not take peverse pleasure from it like Shishio did. I was saddened by every person I killed, but if I could save thousands of people from pain in the future, wasn't it worth the life of a few men?
I know that this is not what that rurouni (and yes, I say the word in contempt) thinks. He is too built up on self-loathing to realize all the lives he protected. He does not seem to realize that not all wrong can be righted without killing. And if we just stood by, then innocents would die. Not everyone is good. The human soul is evil. We can only do our best and fail, but keep on trying, no matter what the cost.
And then Tomoe came into my----our, life. Like a fresh scent of spring, in a very litteral way, she drifted in and the image, sound, smell of her would not leave me be. Even that first night, with her sleeping in my futon, she kept me up. I was nervous, for the first time in my life. Feeling more scared then I did after, during and before my first kill.
I had hoped she would leave, that the smell of her would drift away with the breezes of oncoming winter, but fate would, of course, not have that. And much as I fought it, I did have feeligns for her, long before we were 'married'.
And then we did live together; share the same futon, though without the sacred consumation of marriage. And I did not have to kill for the longest of times. Shinta was content with my new turn of life and I stepped back and, hoping to appease him, let him take limited control. But it was I who loved her, loved her more than anyone or anything else, more than life. Then she told me what I was to her, and what I had been to her. And for one, blissful night, I loved her and she me.
How I wish that had never ended.
Though it should be to my shame (though it is not) I was the one she fooled, not Shinta. He seemed not to care all that much. I was willing to do anything for her, and willing to forfeit all to have her back, even when she left.
I do not wish to think about what happened that day. I do not wish to remember what happened at that secluded shrine. Shinta tried to break forth, but my resolve was too strong. His 'survive at any cost ' drive kicked in, but my love for Tomoe was stronger.
The only thing I regret in life was that *I* took the life of my beloved.
And yet, she lifted the curse Kiyosato had laid upon my left cheek.
I finished the Bakumatsu; I fought with men I truly respect, with Okita and Saito. And then I regressed into the darkness of Shinta's head. I had no more wish for life. I did not even wish to watch, but simply melt away into oblivion.
The one small thing Shinta did to my satisfaction was defending my name. To keep the "Hitokiri Battousai" mine. And that, of course, is how he met Kaoru. I slowly grew intersted in life again. Not for Kaoru though. She was annoying, and the melodramatic romance that ensued was not at all to my taste. But still, I believed that Shinta deserved happiness. I had taken so much away, this small joy he deserved.
However, he could not always defend his love. So I did. I would break through when I had to, to give him his chances with that silly Kamiya girl. Every time I reapeared over the next year was to help him save her. Only one time did I break through for my own emjoyment, and that was hard enough to do. I had grown weak during that decade.
It is true, I do not enjoy killing, but the thought of a good duel...with the wolf of mibu no less, that was much too tempting. Shinta was fighting anyway, and there was no chance *he* could win. That blow he delivered at the end though, heh, I hadn't expected that. I must give him some credit at times.
And then when he let her go...that far passed my expectations. I was afraid I would have to step in again to get him to do the right thing. I could have done without the hug though, I wish only for Tomoe and to be that close to any woman besides her is far from anything I desire.
And then, when he was attempting to learn the Hiten-Mitsurugi-Ryu- Amakakeryu-no-hirameki, I needed to step in to help him along there as well. He repayed me well of course. He conquered it on his own and banished me forever.
I am the Hitokiri Battosai, Kenshin Himura, heart of sword. And I have died.
Shinta is still alive. He carries my name, my nickname, but he is not me. He had two people inside his body, now there is just one. He is using my sword tecniques, my trained body. That is not Shinta's, he stole it from me.
I do hope he wins though, against Shishio. Shishio has an evil idea, he does not understand that every life is precious and the only ones who deserve to die are the ones who killed already.
Shinta should live, he has killed no one, I am the one who deserved to die, and died I have. Shinta is not responsible. No matter how wrong Shinta's thoughts are, he is fighting on the right side.
Saito is right. He shows no regret for doing the right thing. The cost is high, and it is sad, but it is worth it in the end. If I had died back then, it would have been worth it. I do not regret what I did in my life.
And now I will find Tomoe's soul. She was my love, though Shinta still remembers her. She loves me though, not him and I love her and will not take another, foolish little girl like Kaoru. Let Shinta have his naïve woman. I will stay with my love, who took away her fiance's curse.
Ah, Kiyosato. Perhaps she is not mine to love for eternity. But that is fine, I loved her once and she showed me how to live. That is good enough. Even a hitokiri can love, and still does.
Ah Shinta, a hitokiri is a kitokiri till he dies, but the Hitokiri Battousai is dead. The Hitokiri lives no longer. Let not those words haunt you any more. My immortal soul will watch how you live your life. I will be the one to watch you, so live, Shinta, live.
AN. Um, ok, hope you all liked that. I just got fed up with the way the rurouni was acting, and how different his whole ideals were from the battousai and decided to write this. That and I can't stand kaoru compared to Tomoe.yeah. But you guys probably figured that out from reading this, huh? So anyway, this will be a series-ish thing. I'll being doing the thoughts of several different people after they have died. So far I'm thinking Okita, Souzo Sanoske, and Yumi, but I'll be glad to take suggestions. Heck, if you want I might even do Shishio. And then at the end, they can all have a big party in Hades.not really. Yeah, and as for the afterlife.um, I 'm just sorta making it up to fit the story. Let's face it, Rurouni Kenshin didn't stay true to any particular beliefs so niether am i. Hades is more or less like the Greek version in this story, just a place that holds both punishment and rewards. So yeah, reviews are great and corrections and ideas are cool too. Arigatou!
Schizophrenic
I am cast out. My soul sent down to Jigoku, to feel pain eternally. But is there really a heaven? This is a hades, a place of torture, a place of reward, for each and every thing we've done; this is our everlasting home now.
My one comfort is to watch as my otherself, as Shinta continues on in his life. Himura Kenshin has died, only Shinta remains. A body that once shared two souls is now left with a single master. I will no longer have to fight to break out of that cage to get in control. I was defeated, if you think about it. But not by Shinta. I would not fall to that weakling.
It was Hiko who truly banished me, gave the one who was in control absolute dominance, the right to never have to fight for his own body again. But it was my body first, really. I, as Shinta was born in a poor family that owed debts to our Daiyamo. My parents would have worked that debt off all their lives, but they died of Cholera. The sickness took my parents when I was but four. I was sold to pay off that debt; sold into the slave trade.
Akane, Kasumi, Sakura
Their sacrifice was noble. They died for me when I had known them but for a day. They died protecting me. I can only hope that death was kinder to them than life would have been. Who could know what they may have had to do while living.
And even as I think these things, Shinta now proves the opposite. He believes only in the will to live. That life is so much better than death. No. Some things are worth dying for. Some things are worth killing for. He, of all people should have realized this.
Even then, I knew that what Master Hiko had done was right. He protected me, an innocent at the time, from death at the cost of two other men's lives. I would do the same. So Hiko took me in, gave me a new name, a name that was mine alone. It still is. I am Himura Kenshin. I am The Hitokiri Battousai. It was at that moment I existed, that Shinta's mind, and soul, split in two. He was no longer one, but two completely separate entities. His mind needed one to endure, to cope with the changes. So Shinta slept for a time. He was, at times, present during my training (and yes, I say 'my' for Hiko was training a new creation, his "Heart of Sword".) but for the most part it was I who was consious. If indeed you can call the other side of it unconsiousness. For though when I was not in control, I watched, I learned. But I did not disagree with what Shinta continued to do, so I did not fight him, or try to regain control, I was happy to just watch. But Shinta found little to his intrest in my "Art of Murder" as Hiko would call it. (Though I disagree.)
By this time Shinta was content to sleep and did not even watch for a time. Once I really started to work during the Bakumatsu though, he began to wake up. He did not understand what I was doing, or why. All he knew was that I killed, that I did so almost every night. For all he knew, I was a serial killer. He fought what I did, raged on the inside, struggled to tear loose. At times, when I was consentrating on other things so very deeply, he would manage to wrest control away from me. My fight with Kiyosato was one example of that, where he managed to flash into control for mear seconds before I forced myself back in control. He was horrified at what I had done. He wanted to make up for that. Of course he didn't.
It was myself alone who put the flower on Kiyosato's corpse.
Shinta did not----would not, understand what I was doing. I suppose he was too scarred by the incident with the bandits in our childhood. He said all killing was a mortal sin, something he could never really atone for. I believe I was justified for what I did.
I was fighting for the comon people, for those who could not fight for themselves. I was not wrong in doing so. I am condemned for killing, but by people who do not understand that is was not fun, it was not enjoyable. I did not take peverse pleasure from it like Shishio did. I was saddened by every person I killed, but if I could save thousands of people from pain in the future, wasn't it worth the life of a few men?
I know that this is not what that rurouni (and yes, I say the word in contempt) thinks. He is too built up on self-loathing to realize all the lives he protected. He does not seem to realize that not all wrong can be righted without killing. And if we just stood by, then innocents would die. Not everyone is good. The human soul is evil. We can only do our best and fail, but keep on trying, no matter what the cost.
And then Tomoe came into my----our, life. Like a fresh scent of spring, in a very litteral way, she drifted in and the image, sound, smell of her would not leave me be. Even that first night, with her sleeping in my futon, she kept me up. I was nervous, for the first time in my life. Feeling more scared then I did after, during and before my first kill.
I had hoped she would leave, that the smell of her would drift away with the breezes of oncoming winter, but fate would, of course, not have that. And much as I fought it, I did have feeligns for her, long before we were 'married'.
And then we did live together; share the same futon, though without the sacred consumation of marriage. And I did not have to kill for the longest of times. Shinta was content with my new turn of life and I stepped back and, hoping to appease him, let him take limited control. But it was I who loved her, loved her more than anyone or anything else, more than life. Then she told me what I was to her, and what I had been to her. And for one, blissful night, I loved her and she me.
How I wish that had never ended.
Though it should be to my shame (though it is not) I was the one she fooled, not Shinta. He seemed not to care all that much. I was willing to do anything for her, and willing to forfeit all to have her back, even when she left.
I do not wish to think about what happened that day. I do not wish to remember what happened at that secluded shrine. Shinta tried to break forth, but my resolve was too strong. His 'survive at any cost ' drive kicked in, but my love for Tomoe was stronger.
The only thing I regret in life was that *I* took the life of my beloved.
And yet, she lifted the curse Kiyosato had laid upon my left cheek.
I finished the Bakumatsu; I fought with men I truly respect, with Okita and Saito. And then I regressed into the darkness of Shinta's head. I had no more wish for life. I did not even wish to watch, but simply melt away into oblivion.
The one small thing Shinta did to my satisfaction was defending my name. To keep the "Hitokiri Battousai" mine. And that, of course, is how he met Kaoru. I slowly grew intersted in life again. Not for Kaoru though. She was annoying, and the melodramatic romance that ensued was not at all to my taste. But still, I believed that Shinta deserved happiness. I had taken so much away, this small joy he deserved.
However, he could not always defend his love. So I did. I would break through when I had to, to give him his chances with that silly Kamiya girl. Every time I reapeared over the next year was to help him save her. Only one time did I break through for my own emjoyment, and that was hard enough to do. I had grown weak during that decade.
It is true, I do not enjoy killing, but the thought of a good duel...with the wolf of mibu no less, that was much too tempting. Shinta was fighting anyway, and there was no chance *he* could win. That blow he delivered at the end though, heh, I hadn't expected that. I must give him some credit at times.
And then when he let her go...that far passed my expectations. I was afraid I would have to step in again to get him to do the right thing. I could have done without the hug though, I wish only for Tomoe and to be that close to any woman besides her is far from anything I desire.
And then, when he was attempting to learn the Hiten-Mitsurugi-Ryu- Amakakeryu-no-hirameki, I needed to step in to help him along there as well. He repayed me well of course. He conquered it on his own and banished me forever.
I am the Hitokiri Battosai, Kenshin Himura, heart of sword. And I have died.
Shinta is still alive. He carries my name, my nickname, but he is not me. He had two people inside his body, now there is just one. He is using my sword tecniques, my trained body. That is not Shinta's, he stole it from me.
I do hope he wins though, against Shishio. Shishio has an evil idea, he does not understand that every life is precious and the only ones who deserve to die are the ones who killed already.
Shinta should live, he has killed no one, I am the one who deserved to die, and died I have. Shinta is not responsible. No matter how wrong Shinta's thoughts are, he is fighting on the right side.
Saito is right. He shows no regret for doing the right thing. The cost is high, and it is sad, but it is worth it in the end. If I had died back then, it would have been worth it. I do not regret what I did in my life.
And now I will find Tomoe's soul. She was my love, though Shinta still remembers her. She loves me though, not him and I love her and will not take another, foolish little girl like Kaoru. Let Shinta have his naïve woman. I will stay with my love, who took away her fiance's curse.
Ah, Kiyosato. Perhaps she is not mine to love for eternity. But that is fine, I loved her once and she showed me how to live. That is good enough. Even a hitokiri can love, and still does.
Ah Shinta, a hitokiri is a kitokiri till he dies, but the Hitokiri Battousai is dead. The Hitokiri lives no longer. Let not those words haunt you any more. My immortal soul will watch how you live your life. I will be the one to watch you, so live, Shinta, live.
AN. Um, ok, hope you all liked that. I just got fed up with the way the rurouni was acting, and how different his whole ideals were from the battousai and decided to write this. That and I can't stand kaoru compared to Tomoe.yeah. But you guys probably figured that out from reading this, huh? So anyway, this will be a series-ish thing. I'll being doing the thoughts of several different people after they have died. So far I'm thinking Okita, Souzo Sanoske, and Yumi, but I'll be glad to take suggestions. Heck, if you want I might even do Shishio. And then at the end, they can all have a big party in Hades.not really. Yeah, and as for the afterlife.um, I 'm just sorta making it up to fit the story. Let's face it, Rurouni Kenshin didn't stay true to any particular beliefs so niether am i. Hades is more or less like the Greek version in this story, just a place that holds both punishment and rewards. So yeah, reviews are great and corrections and ideas are cool too. Arigatou!