My Immortal
Amnesia
I cannot help but feel a bitterness because the government I risked my life for killed me. But it goes beyond bitterness, beyond bitterness and into the depths of despair and betrayal and more so into rage unbelievable. I feel a rage so deep it consumes me, a hatred, an irony, a wonder if this world has any rule, any justice. One government was as bad as the past. They all just want power and they deceive all who fight for them. I want to scream in anguish, to let such a cry for justice rip this government to shreds.
And yet, as the same time I feel a self-loathing that I thought not possible. I cannot help but hate myself for being the one who was led astray; I fell for their words, I believed them.
And worse than that, I led others to their deaths, to their trust in a false idea, a false government. And nothing I can think of will console me.
But then, must I hold a grudge, even from my dark sepulcher, to a government which will be just like all the others? Dynasties and regimes rise and fall throughout history, and through each people die. People disagree and they consequently die for what they believe in. Is any government better than the next? There are levels of course but.....is the government I laid my life down for, the Meiji, is it really any better than the Tokogawa? The Tokogawa which suppressed the peasant, killed them and treated them like dirt because they were born into their lot?
And the Meiji has done the same thing. Killed me for holding them accountable. For speaking the truth. Are all Governments such an abomination to justice!? Isn't that their point in being, to fulfill justice, to bring order, yet governments cause nothing but chaos and war. Death, killing, destruction; everything that is evil. They are the cause of orphans like Katsu and Sanosuke.
I know now that many would question my saying that, for I am—was—a man of the sword and I killed, fought, destroyed. I probably created orphans myself and widows and grieved innumerable friends, but not without reason. I am no murderer. And I will fight for what I believe in, but not kill unnecessarily.
Governments now though.....they aren't here to help the people, that's just a way to get the people support so they can gain, or stay, in power. They only do good to maintain order to gratify their own desires.
Ah, but what is the use of this oration to myself, no one will listen. I'm dead, it's hard to listen. I hope I have nor poisoned Katsu and Sanosuke with my ideas...they have probably decided to hate the Meiji just because of me. I wish they didn't.
I hope they can just forgive and forget.....being angry won't change anything. They can't clear our name, they can't clear me. I'm trash in the public view, but I was never anything else. In the end, I'm not really worth remembering. No one ever really cared about me. Sure I took the kids in, but I also introduced them pain, to fighting, to death.
But in the end, what did I do to be remembered? I never loved anyone, never had a family, never really did something for anyone. Those kids just looked up to me because I was all they knew. My name isn't worth remembering, most certainly not worth taking. Perhaps it is best that I didn't ever marry anyone, didn't pass along a worthless, a worthless bloodline.
I would go back and relive my past in this hell, but I don't remember it...like my name, it's not worth remembering. Though at times.....I do wish I could remember my past, I wish that someone would remember me. Remember me, not for what I stood for, not for what I went through and not for the rage I feel now..... wish someone would remember me for me.....
Even as I watch Sanosuke, he fights only out of hatred for the Meiji, I doubt he truly remembers me.....
And yet I would not wish to haunt him. Let me feel this unholy rage, but not he boy.....though he is now almost my age.....not the boy. Yet I feel he calls my spirit, my memory only in outrage for the government....is that all I am, even to him? Nothing more than an excuse?
Or is that love that he feels for me, he may be unable to rest until I am avenged? I am not worth avenging, the other men who died perhaps, but not me.
But remember me, please, remember me.....i so fear being forgotten...forgotten in anger, my very soul being covered up in rage....remember me.....
Remember me as I truly was, not this angry spirit that is left.....yes, this is the self loathing I feel.....I hate my very spirit and the emotion that flows through it, and I wish I could return to the man I once was......I suppose I sound hypocritical, first admitting my rage, then my desire that know one else share my intense hate....and then my desire not o be forgotten. Oh how complicated, I wish that death would make things simple, but it only complicates one's feelings.
And now if I could only sort through them, list them off.....that first I feel rage towards the fact that I was betrayed and that it was my own foolishness that lead me to that betrayal. That second that I feel remorse that I led others to their own vain deaths and that all government are as peverse, if not more so, as this one. Third I wish that only I would continue to hate, and that others could move on with their lives, and last of all that I would be remembered....
Remember me......
Amnesia
I cannot help but feel a bitterness because the government I risked my life for killed me. But it goes beyond bitterness, beyond bitterness and into the depths of despair and betrayal and more so into rage unbelievable. I feel a rage so deep it consumes me, a hatred, an irony, a wonder if this world has any rule, any justice. One government was as bad as the past. They all just want power and they deceive all who fight for them. I want to scream in anguish, to let such a cry for justice rip this government to shreds.
And yet, as the same time I feel a self-loathing that I thought not possible. I cannot help but hate myself for being the one who was led astray; I fell for their words, I believed them.
And worse than that, I led others to their deaths, to their trust in a false idea, a false government. And nothing I can think of will console me.
But then, must I hold a grudge, even from my dark sepulcher, to a government which will be just like all the others? Dynasties and regimes rise and fall throughout history, and through each people die. People disagree and they consequently die for what they believe in. Is any government better than the next? There are levels of course but.....is the government I laid my life down for, the Meiji, is it really any better than the Tokogawa? The Tokogawa which suppressed the peasant, killed them and treated them like dirt because they were born into their lot?
And the Meiji has done the same thing. Killed me for holding them accountable. For speaking the truth. Are all Governments such an abomination to justice!? Isn't that their point in being, to fulfill justice, to bring order, yet governments cause nothing but chaos and war. Death, killing, destruction; everything that is evil. They are the cause of orphans like Katsu and Sanosuke.
I know now that many would question my saying that, for I am—was—a man of the sword and I killed, fought, destroyed. I probably created orphans myself and widows and grieved innumerable friends, but not without reason. I am no murderer. And I will fight for what I believe in, but not kill unnecessarily.
Governments now though.....they aren't here to help the people, that's just a way to get the people support so they can gain, or stay, in power. They only do good to maintain order to gratify their own desires.
Ah, but what is the use of this oration to myself, no one will listen. I'm dead, it's hard to listen. I hope I have nor poisoned Katsu and Sanosuke with my ideas...they have probably decided to hate the Meiji just because of me. I wish they didn't.
I hope they can just forgive and forget.....being angry won't change anything. They can't clear our name, they can't clear me. I'm trash in the public view, but I was never anything else. In the end, I'm not really worth remembering. No one ever really cared about me. Sure I took the kids in, but I also introduced them pain, to fighting, to death.
But in the end, what did I do to be remembered? I never loved anyone, never had a family, never really did something for anyone. Those kids just looked up to me because I was all they knew. My name isn't worth remembering, most certainly not worth taking. Perhaps it is best that I didn't ever marry anyone, didn't pass along a worthless, a worthless bloodline.
I would go back and relive my past in this hell, but I don't remember it...like my name, it's not worth remembering. Though at times.....I do wish I could remember my past, I wish that someone would remember me. Remember me, not for what I stood for, not for what I went through and not for the rage I feel now..... wish someone would remember me for me.....
Even as I watch Sanosuke, he fights only out of hatred for the Meiji, I doubt he truly remembers me.....
And yet I would not wish to haunt him. Let me feel this unholy rage, but not he boy.....though he is now almost my age.....not the boy. Yet I feel he calls my spirit, my memory only in outrage for the government....is that all I am, even to him? Nothing more than an excuse?
Or is that love that he feels for me, he may be unable to rest until I am avenged? I am not worth avenging, the other men who died perhaps, but not me.
But remember me, please, remember me.....i so fear being forgotten...forgotten in anger, my very soul being covered up in rage....remember me.....
Remember me as I truly was, not this angry spirit that is left.....yes, this is the self loathing I feel.....I hate my very spirit and the emotion that flows through it, and I wish I could return to the man I once was......I suppose I sound hypocritical, first admitting my rage, then my desire that know one else share my intense hate....and then my desire not o be forgotten. Oh how complicated, I wish that death would make things simple, but it only complicates one's feelings.
And now if I could only sort through them, list them off.....that first I feel rage towards the fact that I was betrayed and that it was my own foolishness that lead me to that betrayal. That second that I feel remorse that I led others to their own vain deaths and that all government are as peverse, if not more so, as this one. Third I wish that only I would continue to hate, and that others could move on with their lives, and last of all that I would be remembered....
Remember me......