Chapter Fifteen
Brandon held onto Samantha long after her sobs died down. The sunlight had long tapered off as the night sky hung over the two lovers. As Brandon kept her safe and warm in his arms, his thoughts lingered to her startling confession and how he hadn't been there to help her through that time. Reaching out to her he lifted her chin to meet his gaze as her tear stained face caused his heart to ache. How he'd hated to see her cry and for her to experience this kind of pain.
"Samantha," he broke his silence at long last, "I had no idea…"
"Of course you didn't," she sniffled, "I didn't either until after you were gone. I wasn't aware of what was going on with me until you were so far out of my reach and I couldn't bring you back. However, when I found out it all started to make sense," she explained simply, "the eating binges I'd been going on and the mood swings. Brandon, they weren't just about my insecurities about the fact I believed Lexie was having your child…"
"Samantha, I just wish," Brandon's words tapered off as he found himself at a loss and he hung his head down, "if only I'd known…"
"Brandon, things just weren't how they should've been," she whispered choked up on emotion as he held her.
"Samantha," he dropped down before her on his knees pressing his cheek against her abdomen as he thought of the moments and miracles that had slipped out of their hands, "I'm so, so sorry," his voice was shaken with emotion as he placed a tender kiss against her abdomen, "if only I could've seen it. If only I would've fought for us…"
"Brandon," she looked down at him as he knelt before her, his arms wrapped around her tightly as a silence fell over him. She reached out to him urging him to look up at her as she saw the tears building behind his dark eyes.
"I should've been there, Samantha," he blurted out unable to contain the raging emotions inside of him as she touched his face gently, "I should've stayed with you and never left. I should've been the man you needed, the man that wanted to love you and give you the world. Instead I caused your more heartbreak than I ever dreamt possible…"
"No," she interrupted holding his face in her hands, "Brandon, that's just it. I didn't tell you about the baby to make you feel as though you failed me. I told you because I didn't want any secrets between us. I wanted you to understand," she confessed lowering down to his level as she met his sad eyes, "I needed you to know what happened, what truly has kept me locked up inside myself."
"Samantha, this was something you never, ever should've had to face on your own," Brandon shook his head angry with the ways in which he'd failed her.
"I wasn't completely alone," she confessed lightly as she felt her heart pounding in her chest by the look in his eyes.
"Of course not," Brandon sighed, "you had Lucas and Lucas was the man you needed when I abandoned you and our child. Lucas was man enough to be there for you and he cared for you when you needed someone to do just that. He was the kind of guy that you needed and yet he's the one that lost you once again after the pain I caused you."
"Brandon…" she began seeing the pain behind his eyes.
"Samantha, Lucas was there for you when I wasn't. He cared for you and loved you and now here I am bringing back all this pain again, bringing up reminders of what you lost--of what I took away from you…"
"Losing your love was nearly the death of me," she blurted out holding his face in her hands, "and losing our baby, well I never imagined I'd live through that either."
"But somehow you did," Brandon reached out to her brushing a strand of hair from her face, "with the help of Lucas."
"Lucas was a wonderful shoulder for me," she nodded, "and I won't pretend that I don't care about him because I'd be lying to you if I said that I didn't."
"I wouldn't expect you not to feel anything for him after what you've been through," Brandon sighed, "I just wish that I knew…that I…"
"I know," she nodded as the weight of the world she'd carried inside of her all this time had finally been lifted with the truth, "Brandon, I wanted you to know--to tell you as soon as I found out, but with the accident," she shook her head as a shiver rushed over her, "there was so much damage and with the baby," she trailed off as tears overcame her once again, "I lost the baby soon after you were gone."
"Samantha," Brandon began watching her lip quiver at the memory.
"I found out that I was pregnant and felt that joy only long enough for the doctor's to tell me that my baby was gone," she blurted out lost in the memory, "but in that split second, I felt as if I had something worth fighting for. When I'd heard about the baby, I knew in my heart there was reason to keep on pushing forward, to keep going and it was in that split second that I felt hope," she paused thinking back to the moment in time in the hospital, "but it wasn't real. It wasn't meant to last and even now when you talk about happiness, well Brandon I know better. For me, happiness isn't a reality because as soon as it comes my way, it leaves in a blink of an eye."
"Samantha, that's not true," Brandon argued with her, "this time…"
"Why should this time be any different? How can it be any different for me when I wasn't able to hold onto our baby?" she challenged, "how can we be together now and really make it this time knowing that I failed you in one of the worst possible ways?"
"Samantha, you didn't fail me," he argued with her, "I failed you and I let you down and I know that no matter what I do, I'll never, ever be able to make up for that, but maybe together we can find a way to make things right again. Maybe our returning to one another is a gift from an angel up in heaven that's watching over us," he reached out to take her hands in his, "maybe it's our angel up there watching down on up. Perhaps our child knows something more about the two of us than we're willing to see…"
"Brandon, you can't mean that," she began doubtful.
"Think about it Samantha," Brandon urged further, "after everything that's happened between us, nothing short of divine intervention could've worked to make this miracle happen between us," he touched her cheek gently, "and I know in my heart that we have a great many more miracles ahead of us."
"Brandon, I want to believe that," she reached out to him, "I so want to believe that can happen for us."
"Then believe Samantha," he whispered in a soothing tone pulling her into his arms as he held her close, "just believe."
"I want that more than anything," she confessed cuddling in against his chest as he held her, "more than anything I want to believe that this curse that's hung over my head will be gone."
"We'll find a way to change that, to change everything and give you the life you've always dreamt of."
"It still won't bring my baby back," she hugged him, "that won't ever change for us Brandon."
"No, it won't," he agreed sadly, "but we can move forward together. We can keep the memory of our child alive in our hearts and in our love. Samantha, I want to fix this, I want to find a way to make things right again."
"Brandon, we've said this how many times in the past and how many times has it slipped away," she questioned looking down to the engagement ring on her finger, "we've gotten to this point and then it just falls apart."
"This time it won't," he decided firmly, "in fact, the way I see it, we're not going to stay in this step much longer."
"What do you mean," she questioned in confusion, "Brandon?"
"I'm saying that I don't want us to be engaged like before," Brandon announced thinking it over as he saw worry cross over her features, "Samantha, this isn't really what I want for us. I don't want you to wonder about when the next brick is going to fall as you wait to become my wife. I want it all for us starting now. I want to marry you--to make you my wife as soon as possible."
"You mean…" she paused taking in his words.
"Samantha, I want us to do this as soon as we dock again," Brandon decided thinking about how long they'd waited to find happiness with one another, "I know that we have a lot to deal with and a lot that we can work out together over the years, but I don't want you to ever feel like your happiness with me is a passing phase. I don't want you to think that I'll be here for the moment and gone in the blink of an eye. Samantha, I'm in it for the long haul and I want to make you my wife right away."
"Like tonight?" she blinked back at him.
"I was thinking about in the morning," Brandon confessed enthusiastically, "we'll be stopping at a port just outside of Mexico and there is this chapel there. I spent a great deal of time in that place when I was trying to find myself and I know in my heart that there is the perfect spot for us to get married."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that," he nodded eagerly, "I can call in a few favors and by this time tomorrow we can be husband and wife."
"You're really serious about this, aren't you," she searched his eyes.
"I've never been more serious about anything in my life," Brandon confessed, "so what do you say? Will you marry me tomorrow?"
"Brandon, it's well after midnight," she corrected noticing the way his eyes lit up as he spoke to her.
"Fine, then marry me today," Brandon touched her face gently, "what do you say Samantha? Will you make both of our dreams come true and take the great risk on the road to happiness with me one last time?"
"This is completely insane, and given the circumstances, well," she paused as she thought of how long she'd waited for this moment, "there's nothing more than I want than to be your wife by nightfall."
"Then it's settled," Brandon hugged her in his arms, "by the time, you'll be Mrs. Samantha Walker and I promise you that it's a role that you'd better get very used to because I intend to keep you in that role for the rest of your life."
"I wouldn't have it any other way," she blurted out kissing him tenderly as she felt the first real glimmer of hope after years of despair. Despite the years of heartbreak, perhaps this time things would finally lead to that happy ending for her.
Brandon held onto Samantha long after her sobs died down. The sunlight had long tapered off as the night sky hung over the two lovers. As Brandon kept her safe and warm in his arms, his thoughts lingered to her startling confession and how he hadn't been there to help her through that time. Reaching out to her he lifted her chin to meet his gaze as her tear stained face caused his heart to ache. How he'd hated to see her cry and for her to experience this kind of pain.
"Samantha," he broke his silence at long last, "I had no idea…"
"Of course you didn't," she sniffled, "I didn't either until after you were gone. I wasn't aware of what was going on with me until you were so far out of my reach and I couldn't bring you back. However, when I found out it all started to make sense," she explained simply, "the eating binges I'd been going on and the mood swings. Brandon, they weren't just about my insecurities about the fact I believed Lexie was having your child…"
"Samantha, I just wish," Brandon's words tapered off as he found himself at a loss and he hung his head down, "if only I'd known…"
"Brandon, things just weren't how they should've been," she whispered choked up on emotion as he held her.
"Samantha," he dropped down before her on his knees pressing his cheek against her abdomen as he thought of the moments and miracles that had slipped out of their hands, "I'm so, so sorry," his voice was shaken with emotion as he placed a tender kiss against her abdomen, "if only I could've seen it. If only I would've fought for us…"
"Brandon," she looked down at him as he knelt before her, his arms wrapped around her tightly as a silence fell over him. She reached out to him urging him to look up at her as she saw the tears building behind his dark eyes.
"I should've been there, Samantha," he blurted out unable to contain the raging emotions inside of him as she touched his face gently, "I should've stayed with you and never left. I should've been the man you needed, the man that wanted to love you and give you the world. Instead I caused your more heartbreak than I ever dreamt possible…"
"No," she interrupted holding his face in her hands, "Brandon, that's just it. I didn't tell you about the baby to make you feel as though you failed me. I told you because I didn't want any secrets between us. I wanted you to understand," she confessed lowering down to his level as she met his sad eyes, "I needed you to know what happened, what truly has kept me locked up inside myself."
"Samantha, this was something you never, ever should've had to face on your own," Brandon shook his head angry with the ways in which he'd failed her.
"I wasn't completely alone," she confessed lightly as she felt her heart pounding in her chest by the look in his eyes.
"Of course not," Brandon sighed, "you had Lucas and Lucas was the man you needed when I abandoned you and our child. Lucas was man enough to be there for you and he cared for you when you needed someone to do just that. He was the kind of guy that you needed and yet he's the one that lost you once again after the pain I caused you."
"Brandon…" she began seeing the pain behind his eyes.
"Samantha, Lucas was there for you when I wasn't. He cared for you and loved you and now here I am bringing back all this pain again, bringing up reminders of what you lost--of what I took away from you…"
"Losing your love was nearly the death of me," she blurted out holding his face in her hands, "and losing our baby, well I never imagined I'd live through that either."
"But somehow you did," Brandon reached out to her brushing a strand of hair from her face, "with the help of Lucas."
"Lucas was a wonderful shoulder for me," she nodded, "and I won't pretend that I don't care about him because I'd be lying to you if I said that I didn't."
"I wouldn't expect you not to feel anything for him after what you've been through," Brandon sighed, "I just wish that I knew…that I…"
"I know," she nodded as the weight of the world she'd carried inside of her all this time had finally been lifted with the truth, "Brandon, I wanted you to know--to tell you as soon as I found out, but with the accident," she shook her head as a shiver rushed over her, "there was so much damage and with the baby," she trailed off as tears overcame her once again, "I lost the baby soon after you were gone."
"Samantha," Brandon began watching her lip quiver at the memory.
"I found out that I was pregnant and felt that joy only long enough for the doctor's to tell me that my baby was gone," she blurted out lost in the memory, "but in that split second, I felt as if I had something worth fighting for. When I'd heard about the baby, I knew in my heart there was reason to keep on pushing forward, to keep going and it was in that split second that I felt hope," she paused thinking back to the moment in time in the hospital, "but it wasn't real. It wasn't meant to last and even now when you talk about happiness, well Brandon I know better. For me, happiness isn't a reality because as soon as it comes my way, it leaves in a blink of an eye."
"Samantha, that's not true," Brandon argued with her, "this time…"
"Why should this time be any different? How can it be any different for me when I wasn't able to hold onto our baby?" she challenged, "how can we be together now and really make it this time knowing that I failed you in one of the worst possible ways?"
"Samantha, you didn't fail me," he argued with her, "I failed you and I let you down and I know that no matter what I do, I'll never, ever be able to make up for that, but maybe together we can find a way to make things right again. Maybe our returning to one another is a gift from an angel up in heaven that's watching over us," he reached out to take her hands in his, "maybe it's our angel up there watching down on up. Perhaps our child knows something more about the two of us than we're willing to see…"
"Brandon, you can't mean that," she began doubtful.
"Think about it Samantha," Brandon urged further, "after everything that's happened between us, nothing short of divine intervention could've worked to make this miracle happen between us," he touched her cheek gently, "and I know in my heart that we have a great many more miracles ahead of us."
"Brandon, I want to believe that," she reached out to him, "I so want to believe that can happen for us."
"Then believe Samantha," he whispered in a soothing tone pulling her into his arms as he held her close, "just believe."
"I want that more than anything," she confessed cuddling in against his chest as he held her, "more than anything I want to believe that this curse that's hung over my head will be gone."
"We'll find a way to change that, to change everything and give you the life you've always dreamt of."
"It still won't bring my baby back," she hugged him, "that won't ever change for us Brandon."
"No, it won't," he agreed sadly, "but we can move forward together. We can keep the memory of our child alive in our hearts and in our love. Samantha, I want to fix this, I want to find a way to make things right again."
"Brandon, we've said this how many times in the past and how many times has it slipped away," she questioned looking down to the engagement ring on her finger, "we've gotten to this point and then it just falls apart."
"This time it won't," he decided firmly, "in fact, the way I see it, we're not going to stay in this step much longer."
"What do you mean," she questioned in confusion, "Brandon?"
"I'm saying that I don't want us to be engaged like before," Brandon announced thinking it over as he saw worry cross over her features, "Samantha, this isn't really what I want for us. I don't want you to wonder about when the next brick is going to fall as you wait to become my wife. I want it all for us starting now. I want to marry you--to make you my wife as soon as possible."
"You mean…" she paused taking in his words.
"Samantha, I want us to do this as soon as we dock again," Brandon decided thinking about how long they'd waited to find happiness with one another, "I know that we have a lot to deal with and a lot that we can work out together over the years, but I don't want you to ever feel like your happiness with me is a passing phase. I don't want you to think that I'll be here for the moment and gone in the blink of an eye. Samantha, I'm in it for the long haul and I want to make you my wife right away."
"Like tonight?" she blinked back at him.
"I was thinking about in the morning," Brandon confessed enthusiastically, "we'll be stopping at a port just outside of Mexico and there is this chapel there. I spent a great deal of time in that place when I was trying to find myself and I know in my heart that there is the perfect spot for us to get married."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that," he nodded eagerly, "I can call in a few favors and by this time tomorrow we can be husband and wife."
"You're really serious about this, aren't you," she searched his eyes.
"I've never been more serious about anything in my life," Brandon confessed, "so what do you say? Will you marry me tomorrow?"
"Brandon, it's well after midnight," she corrected noticing the way his eyes lit up as he spoke to her.
"Fine, then marry me today," Brandon touched her face gently, "what do you say Samantha? Will you make both of our dreams come true and take the great risk on the road to happiness with me one last time?"
"This is completely insane, and given the circumstances, well," she paused as she thought of how long she'd waited for this moment, "there's nothing more than I want than to be your wife by nightfall."
"Then it's settled," Brandon hugged her in his arms, "by the time, you'll be Mrs. Samantha Walker and I promise you that it's a role that you'd better get very used to because I intend to keep you in that role for the rest of your life."
"I wouldn't have it any other way," she blurted out kissing him tenderly as she felt the first real glimmer of hope after years of despair. Despite the years of heartbreak, perhaps this time things would finally lead to that happy ending for her.