Part One

Sunnydale-October 2002

"So…" I said one day at breakfast to my sister.

She looked at me with her blue cat like eyes, "What?" She asked.

"I saw Dad." I said, bluntly.

"When?"

We weren't generally fond of our Father. He missed too much of our lives and quite frankly, didn't know us at all.

"Well, I actually went to see him." I answered, twisting my fingers, a new nervous habit.

"Why?" Dawn's voice held suspicion.

"Well, I decided I wanted to go back to school." I said.

"I thought we didn't have any money?" Dawn asked, her eyes wide.

"We didn't. Now we do. He's given me an allowance, so to speak." I answered, taking a bite of my sugar coated cereal.

"What about me?" Dawn demanded, jealous.

"Well, I suppose Dad will give you an allowance. You're going to live with him." I said, then weakly muttered, "Surprise."

"What?!" Dawn exploded, "What the hell do you mean I'm going to live with him? I can't. You can't make me!"

"Actually, I can." I replied calmly.

"I hate you! Why are you doing this?" Dawn asked, her eyes blazing.

" I have too." I sighed.

"Why?" She asked shrilly, "Can't not be selfish for one minute?"

"Selfish?" I yelled, "Listen to yourself for a moment then you go ahead and talk about selfishness."

"I hate you." Dawn hissed.

"Personally, I don't care. Dawn, I can't do this. I'm not Mom. I'm only 21, I can't take care of a 15 year old. Besides, you need to get out of the town. And you should get to know Dad." I said.

"Whatever. When do I leave?" Dawn pouted.

"This Saturday." I answered.

"Damn you." Dawn muttered, then ran out of the house.

I sighed and rested my head on her counter. Dawn just didn't see that it would

be better to live with Dad. He could take care of her, he had money and didn't have issues involving that of what goes bump in the night.

But she would see, I was sure of that. I went to the computer that Mom had bought shortly after she had been diagnosed. For what reason, I didn't know. I logged on my name and waited for it to connect. I made myself a sandwich and clicked on my inbox. I had two new messages. Oh, how popular I was. One was from Dad. I opened it and read it.

*

To: "Buffy" ChosenSweetie81@yahoo.com

From: "Hank Summers" HankSummers@SummersLaw.org

Subject: (no subject)

-----------------------

Hi sweetie. How are you? Have you picked your classes yet? Maybe you should take Mythology. Your Mother always said you were into that sort of thing. Did you tell Dawn about the move How did she take it? Hopefully well. I'm glad you agreed, Dawn will be happy here and so will you. You're too young to be taking care of her. I hope that, that was enough money for you. Tell me if it wasn't. Jeanine says hi.

Love,

Dad

*

Jeanine was Dad's girlfriend. Apparently they met at a job meeting in Spain. She was living with him. She was nice, I guess. I saw no bonding with her. She was only 5 years older than me. Whatever. I guess she and Dawn would get along. Maybe. I would answer him back later. I clicked on the other one. It was from…

Angel.

*

To: "Buffy" ChosenSweetie81@yahoo.com

From: "Angel" DarkAvenger@yahoo.com

Subject: Hi

-----------------------

Buffy. Hi. How are you? It's been awhile. I hope you don't mind me sending this to you. Willow mentioned your screen name to Wesley who mentioned it to me. So, what's new in Sunnydale? Any new demons? Probably, like always. So, how are you? I already asked that, I know. But, we haven't talked….since that day at the spot. You seemed different. I'd like us maybe to meet up sometime. I miss you.

Always,

A.

*

I banged my head on the desk, hard this time.

"Oh God…" I moaned.

Why, why, WHY did he have to do this? Why is he making me think about him. Damn him. I know I should answer him, but I really don't want too. I don't know if I can. What am I supposed to say? I love you and want you back, I need you. I'm sick of doing this alone. I can't. I have to be strong. I sigh. I click off and shut down the computer. I need to do something to take my mind off of this.

I end up at the gym, something I've missed. When you come back from the dead twice, and have an affair with your worst enemy…working out isn't really on your mind. At least it wasn't on my mind.

If it's on yours, you're a scary person and I'm not sure I want to meet you.

So, anyways, I end up spending 3 hours at the gym, lifting the weights, and running on the treadmill. All these guys keep staring ay my boobs and my butt. Not sure if that's a good thing. I finally look at the clock and…

"Dammit."

I have totally forgotten about Willow and Xander coming over. I'm kind of glad I forgot. I'm not totally comfortable around Willow yet. She, well, she scares me. To see someone, my best friend, go over the edge like hat. But, I did it too. I fell into the punishing arms of Spike, which I still can't believe and wish it was a bad dream.

I walk home slowly and the house is quiet. As it always is. Never too loud. I go upstairs and see Dawn sitting in her room, staring at the heaps of dairies and clothes on her bed.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"For what? Ruining my life? No big." Dawn mutters, her voice like venom.

"I'm saving you. Someday you'll thank me." I whisper.

"Saving me from what? What, Buffy? A life I love?" Dawn asked shrilly.

"No, a life you'll learn to despise. I'm getting you out while you still can." I said, my eyes tearing.

"What are you talking about?" Dawn asks, defeated.

"Do you know how much I wish I could leave? I would love to get on a plane and never look back. But, I can't. Because I have a *duty*. " I stressed the word and my lips grimaced, "I hate it. Hate what this town has made me, my friends, my family. I don't want it to happen with you."

I turned and walked into my room, shutting my door and wiping my eyes.

If only I could get on a plane…

I'd never ever look back.

*

Saturday came.

Dad came.

With his girlfriend.

Terrific.

Dawn looked horrified to see Dad, especially with such a young women… But, they were in love. I could see it. The looked at each other like someone used to look at me. I had to look away because it made me sad. Dad pulled up in the drive and smiled when I appeared on the porch. He got out of his car and hugged me, like a real Dad would. I hugged back and he pulled away, smiling.

"My little girl." He murmured.

"Dad…" I muttered, rolling my eyes.

"So, where's my Sunrise?" Dad asked.

That's what he used to call Dawn, his sunrise.

"In there." I answered.

Dad went in and Jeanine walked up tentatively. She was terribly shy with me and Dawn.

"Hi." She said softly.

I smiled, to show there were no hard feelings for her loving my Father. And, there weren't.

"Hey." I answered her.

She gave me a small smile and I thought she looked terribly beautiful. She had long auburn hair and sapphire eyes. I could see why my Father loved her.

"Come on in." I said, leading her into my house.

Dad was staring at something before he turned and smiled at us. I looked around him and saw it was a picture of Mom. My eyes misted. Her still loved her…in his own way.

"Jen, why don't you go help Dawnie?" He asked.

Jeanine smiled and nodded, kissing his cheek quickly and going upstairs.

"So…" I murmured, straightening out the pillow on the couch.

"You grew up too fast." He suddenly said.

I looked up.

How would he know how fast I had grown up? He was never there.

But, I swear, I'm not bitter about that.

"Oh." Was all I said.

He looked at me so strangely. As if he knew something… I looked into his eyes and saw…something. There was some…emotion, some hidden message in his eyes. Something that I knew I needed to know about.

I averted my eyes, feeling stupid.

It was just like me to read into things.

Dawn stormed out of her room and out the door, Jeanine following helplessly.

"I take it she wasn't happy." Dad observed.

Oh, you have no idea.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry." Dad said.

"For what?" I asked.

"Not being here when you girls needed me."

"It's forgotten." I said, making it clear I didn't want to talk about it.

He shrugged.

"Maybe you should sell this house." He suggested.

"Why?" I asked.

"You've got all this room, and you're by yourself now." Dad said.

Great, thanks for giving me something MORE depressing to mope about later.

"Yeah…" I found myself saying.

"If you find an apartment you like, tell me." He said, with one last hug and then he left.

And I was alone.

Like always.

*

Somewhere, I found the courage to answer back Angel.

If you ask me where, I don't know.

But, it might have been from the five shots of tequila I had downed earlier.

*

To: "Angel" DarkAvenger@yahoo.com

From: "Buffy" ChosenSweetie81@yahoo.com

Subject: Hey Back.

So, hey. I was surprised to hear from you. But, I'm fine. Things are still hard, but you know me. Stay busy and don't think about it. About our last meeting… I'm sorry. I was so messed up. I didn't mean what I said, I really didn't. Moving on from the depressing, what's new with you? New crews members? Taken anyone under your wing? You know Angel, wing? Haha, not funny. So, Dawn moved out. She's with Dad now. I'm thinking of selling the house. Getting an apartment. Y'know, this house holds so many memories… Sometimes it's too hard. But, I gotta grow up sometime. But, about us seeing each other. Sure, I guess. But, do you think we can pull it off? I've got my friends, and you've got yours; they'd ask questions. And, everything we attempt to do, it blows up in our face. Yes, I know. Very pessimistic of me. But, caution never hurts, does it? In other words, yes, I'd love to see you again.

Always Your Girl,

B.

*

I couldn't help what I put. I was still his girl. I more or less rambled in the entire letter. Didn't talk about anything ,nothing that mattered, and nothing that could be used to hurt later on.

I sigh.

What a life I have.

*

I go out patrolling later.

It soothes me in some weird way. Makes me release all that frustration, stress, pain. I love it. I get this high. This rush, it makes me float. It's hard to explain. Maybe its like when you take drugs. I wouldn't know. I've never done anything except smoke a few times.

So, anyways. The vamps are high tonight. I end up staking like ten. Getting kind of winded. They all say the same thing.

"Slayer, tonight you meet your maker."

"Jesus Christ, sing me a new one, please!" I roll my eyes and go on staking them.

I stroll in around two a.m., a frozen yogurt in hand.

Isn't it great how Sunnydale has a 24 hour ice cream place?

So, I walk in my empty and there's a trail of roses up my stairway. I walk up, my

senses are going crazy. Someone's up there.

Duh.

I enter my room and Angel's laying there, naked. He smiles at me and rises, his dark eyes gleaming.

"My soul is permanent. I want you." He whispered, stripping me of my clothes.

He ravishes my body with his tongue. All night.

Heh heh.

Got ya there, didn't I?

Haha, psyche.

Sorry, I really miss him sometimes.

Ok, back to reality, unfortunately. So, there's a trail of roses up my stairs. My mind is like overloaded with feelings and senses. It gave me such a headache.

My door is half open and I open it all the way.

"Oh God!" I cry.

It really is naked Angel.

Hehe. God, I need a life.

But, it's quite the opposite. Spike is laying on my bed, snoring, with a huge bottle of moonshine in his hand.

"Fuck."

What the hell am I supposed to do? What the hell is he doing here?

I walk toward him and tentatively touch him. He jumps half a mile and I scream. I thought he was passed out! He looks around wildly. He doesn't seem to see me.

God, he's having one of his episodes again.

He starts to murmur, "Not there, not there, not there…."

I sigh and close my eyes.

"Come on Spike." I said softly, reaching out my hand.

He looks at me for a moment and the bursts out into tears.

"Sorry, so sorry. Jus' wanted ya t'love me." He moaned.

"Its alright." I say, grasping his hand and leading him to the basement. He had his own little civilization here.

"Jus' wanted love. Ya love me?" He asked, his voice like a child.

I couldn't answer.

What would I say?

The person I loved…

Didn't love me anymore.