Part Two
I never had a terrific life.
It was always one problem to the next. But, I'm not really complaining. It made me who I am.
Strong.
I walk up to the collage and feel anything but strong right now. My heart is pounding and I'm cold. I'm wearing my new sundress. It's really pretty. It's white and has pastel flowers stitched on it. I carry my books in my bag and walk across campus. I look at my schedule and see I have Psych first. I walk to the room and see a seat at the top. I sit in it and smile politely at the guy sitting next to me. He leans foreword and sticks his hand out.
"Hi, I'm Brett."
Hi Brett, I'm so not interested.
"Hi Brett, I'm Buffy." I say.
He looks ok. His hair is an auburn color. His eyes are dark green, and kind of close together.
My Nana told me never to trust someone with eyes too close to each other. They would grow up being sneaky.
"So, are you a freshman?" He asked.
I wanted to roll my eyes.
"No. I'm supposed to be a Junior, but I took a year off." I answered, averting my eyes.
The teacher had just walked in.
"Good Afternoon, and welcome to Psych 103." She greeted.
"I want everyone to get out paper and prepare to take notes. DO NOT lose these, what I'm about to tell you will be on your final exam." She said.
She began her lecture and I, surprisingly, was listening intently.
"Colors can determine a persons personality. For example, say someone has a room painted red. If they have it like that for a long time, they can develop a angry hostile attitude."
"But, red is the color of love." Brett said, eyeing me.
The teacher nodded, "True, true."
I shook my head and caught her attention.
"You disagree?" She asked me.
"Well, not completely." I shrugged.
"Well, share you're idea." She insisted.
"Ok, red IS the color of love… But love can turn to lust, which is passion, then turning to anger, then violence. Also, the medieval aristocracy assigned the color to street harlots." I said, suddenly remembering a book I had once read.
"And…?" The teacher persisted.
"Red is the color of sin." I summed it up.
She was silent for a moment, then a pleased grin crossed her face.
"If you think in the biblical sense, then yes. Very good." She answered.
I beamed.
"And moving on…"
*
I was in a very good mood when I came home. I actually had fun at school. A first.
I should get a gold star.
So, I go into my house…and feel like listening to some music. I pick a mix CD and put it in my huge stereo. I got it two years ago and could never use it. Dawn always had a headache and was always being bitchy. So, I press play and go into the kitchen. The beginnings cords of the guitar blast through the house. I had put in Trik Turner's 'Existence'.
//Some suffer-/Some thrive-/Some live-/Some die-/Some love-/Some hate-/Some find nothing in common-/Some relate-/Some sin-/Some are innocent-/Some are good-/Some are bad-/All I want is to understand-//
Story of my life… Everyone thinks I'm innocent, but am I? No. I've suffered, thrived, lived and of course, I've died twice. Loved, hated, check and check.
//All my life I've searched for answers
Why can't I know the reasons we live
who is this god that we all worship
or will we ever know-//
Yeah, I've done my share of searching for answers, but do I ever find them? No.
Never.
//Some think, some drink, some sink into a hole they can't let go
Others bleed for their sins, some draw blood for them ends
Some steel, some deal, some peel off their skin and try to start again
The rest fiend, the rest still dream my heart pumps just to feel that cream
I'm elevated cross faded with a bag of tricks I'm in the mix since 96'
Shoot the facts and relax, we melt on wax, on top of the world is where we at
When I trip I slip, my cons got grip, to the left and to the right shit is tight
Cause I'm an addict addicted to music
It's a habit you know I choose it-//
Blood, another story of my life. I'm an addict, addicted to darkness. Night, shadows, evil. Its what I am, what I'm drawn too. Something inside me awakens at night and howls until I'm killing under the stars and moon.
//Scrape the pieces off the wall of my hate
Clean the slate but its far to late
I stitch my own skin you can't penetrate
Don't look back its all fate//
I hate fate. Destiny, fortune, chance, I hate it all. It's ruined my life, Taken away my one true chance for happiness and drawn me toward something, something I never want to find out.
But, I do.
Much later, I find out.
And it changes everything.
*
I make dinner. If you can call bagel bites dinner. I in front of the TV and actually watch a show. When was the last time I did that? Something normal?
Oh yeah.
I forgot.
NEVER!
So, I watch Dawson's Creek. Last time I watched that, they were still sleeping in each others beds. Now they're in collage. Guess I missed a lot. I miss a lot of things. I hear my computer ding and get up, reluctantly.
I have two new emails. One from Dawn and…Cordelia!?
Cordelia-fucking-Chase emailed me.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
*
To: "Buffy" ChosenSweetie81@yahoo.com
From: "Cordelia" xXQueenCordyXx@yahoo.com
Subject: Well…
Fluffy, long time no hear. What, you have more pressing affairs? Y'know, with a certain vampire, oh, we'll call him 'Mike'. I don't know why you're having a sudden interest in Angel again, but I can assure you that he's not interested. He is so over you. And, guess what? He's in love with me. Yes, little Miss-I-can-kill, I have finally won. I told you, I was the Slayer at dating. I got Angel and what do you have? Nothing. Everyone leaves you. God, you're Mom even had to die to get away from you. Now what does that tell you?
Tootles,
Cordy.
PS: Told Angel about you're 'fling' with Spike. He was DISGUSTED.
*
I was fuming. Shaking with anger. I could feel the blood flowing to my face. It grew hot in the room. I couldn't see. My vision was red.
Oh God, what's happening to me?
I want to kill something. I need to feel blood on my hands. Preferably Cordelia's. I take calm breaths, but it's not working. My heart is beating so fast and I think I'm having a panic attack. I hit reply on the keyboard and start my letter.
*
To: "Cordelia" xXQueenCordyXx@yahoo.com
From: "Buffy" ChosenSweetie81@yahoo.com
Stupid bitch. You think you've won? You haven't. And you never will. Go ahead and think you have him, for now. But…one day. Someday, I'll come walking in and he'll come rushing into my arms. Don't think he won't. He'll never love you. He'll always love me. Maybe you should look through his desk sometime. Maybe you'll find some pictures, but…they won't be of you. And, as for Spike, Angel won't blame me for it. But, have fun while you can. Watch your back, or you'll never see the knife slicing through you.
Ta-fucking-ta,
Buffy.
*
I was still shaking. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel sick, like about to puke. There's like a fire coursing through my body and I WANT IT OUT! I stagger to the bathroom and throw up everything I've eaten. My insides heave and I half think that I'm going to die.
Hopefully…?
No.
I stand up on shaky feet and look into the mirror. My reflection is there…but its not. Like it's transparent. My eyes look…strange. Like… Strange. I look at my hands and see that they look solid, but they don't in the mirror.
I ask again.
What the hell is going on?
*
I don't patrol that night.
I can't.
I'm scared, shaking, and dizzy. Maybe I'm catching the flu? I doubt it. I lay in my bed, wondering what in the world is going on. I can't tell my friends. It'll cause too much of a worry.
Something's changing inside of me.
Awakening.
Something strong…and something I'm terrified of.
Maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away.
Maybe…?
*
I wake up and feel fine. I get ready for class and step outside. My skin starts to hurt. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. My arms tingle almost painfully, almost as if I've gotten bee stings all over me.
I'm sick.
That's it. Flu-bug or something. I run inside and grab my sunglasses. I walk to school, the whole way feeling tight in my own skin. I step into the air-conditioned building and sigh with relief. I feel fine now. I step into my Myth class and see Brett.
Oh my God…
He waves and gestures to a seat next to him. I smile and go to him.
"Hey." He greets.
"Hey back." I say, brushing my hair out of my face.
The teacher walks in a starts the class. He starts out by talking about legends.
"Today, we will be talking about a very commercial legend. Vampires."
Terrific.
"Now, vampires aren't like in the Anne Rice books. They aren't friendly and
they don't stay safely in the shadows."
I wonder if he's talking from experience?
"They want to kill. Need to kill. They feel bloodlust in their bodies and need to act on the feeling. Now, let's talk about hybrids. They are half and half. What about a half vampire, half human?"
"Wouldn't they be alive?" Brett asks, trying to look like a hot shot.
I shake my head, "No, they'd be dead."
"How so, Miss. Summers?"
"Well, to become a vampire, they have to drink your blood then you have to drink theirs. To be half…would be like caught in the middle. Maybe you would have to breathe, but you wouldn't be alive. You're heart wouldn't beat." I said.
"Ah, an expert."
I blush.
"Would you be, say, evil?" He asked.
"You wouldn't be evil and you wouldn't be good. You'd be in-between. Caught between two elements. Good and bad. Blood or no blood. You'd go insane." I
said
"There can't be an in-between. There is good and there is bad, simple as that." Some girl a few rows below me answered.
Her hair was black and her skin pale.
I gazed at her.
"Its not all black and white. There's gray too. You have to look beyond the outside and dig deeper. Maybe he's good on the outside, but there'll always be the demon inside. Waiting." I argue, thinking of Angel and Angelus.
The girl slumped in her seat, unwilling to go on.
Ha.
I won.
They don't call me the Slayer for nothing…