TransFormers: The Ultimate Spoon!
Author's Note: And so begins Chapter 2. Jazz is on his way to have a chinwag with the Decepticons, Wheeljack continues to blow things up, and Arcee has the painters in. Actually, I have no idea if that last bit is true or not; it's not like robots can bleed like us anyway. And now.REVIEWERS!
Vega Sailor: You'll find out soon enough. Mwuhahahahaaa!
Skins Thunderbomb: Thanks very much, and 'Opie' can eat just fine; he has a mouth just like the rest of them. But due to an obscure contract obligation, Prime, Soundwave and certain others must wear a ridiculous face- mask thing. Although it has been rumoured that Wheeljack's face was redesigned to minimise his allergy sufferings.
Now, in case you folks were wondering about the odd chapter names, and the name of the whole story, I've taken the names of episodes from the immortal TF cartoon and changed them to have something to do with food. Hence 'Fire In The Sky' becomes 'Fry In The Pan', 'More Than Meets The Eye' becomes 'More Than Bakes The Pie', and now, 'The Ultimate Doom' becomes 'The Ultimate Spoon'. I need to get out more.
**********
Time: 1045 Earth Hours. Location: Decepticon Headquarters, Floor of the Pacific Ocean.
Jazz stared glumly up at the odd icon proudly displayed above the door in front of him, and sighed. The Predacons had recently taken Megatron to court over the rather pointless issue as to why they can't use the Beast Wars Predacon logo, which, in their words, "is way cooler than that stupid pointy purple thing anyway". Megatron took great offense at this, but even threatening that the jury would be crushed with his bare hands was not enough to win the case. So a compromise was worked out, and all Decepticons were refitted with an obscure amalgamation of both logos. It looked ridiculous, but at least it didn't give Predaking an excuse to leak lubricant all over the walls.
Swallowing his pride, Jazz pressed the gigantic red button located right in the centre of the door, just below a sign reading 'Don Not Press This Button Or You Shall Face Termination'. The door squeaked open slowly, and Jazz caught sight of a single yellow dot flashing at him, just before the door abruptly swung open the rest of the way and a purple gun barrel was pointed in his face.
"Prepare for termination!" said a menacing figure in a refined English accent.
"Dude, it's Jazz," replied the walking car, "I'm not actively trying to break in."
"But you pressed the red button!"
"So what?"
"Visitors press the other button!"
"There is no other button!"
"Huh?" The angular, cycloptic head of Shockwave leaned outside and looked at the door, before turning back inside and yelling into the complex. "SOUNDWAVE! I HAVE A QUERY!"
Soundwave suddenly appeared directly beside Shockwave, his voice echoing and inflectionless. "Is. Assistance. Required?"
Shockwave jumped slightly at the sudden noise, his single optic glowing brightly. "Stop playing around with your vocal processor!"
"You. Got. A. Cheek. To. Talk."
"Why, you miserable mental inferior! I have fifty percent of a cerebro- mainframe to shut you down permanently!"
"Bring. It. On. Beeyotch."
"SILENCE YOU FOOLS! Bring the Autobot prisoner before me!" Another voice, that of head evil nasty thing Megatron, echoed through the hall.
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave promptly grabbed Jazz' arm and lead him further into the building, ignoring Shockwave flipping him off.
A sudden thought occurred to Jazz. "Hey, you left the door open, right?"
Shockwave replied, his voice now more authorative as they approached Megatron's hall. "Correct."
"So, shouldn't this building be filling up with water? We are under the sea and all."
Shcokwave pondered this fact for a moment. "The central computer claims this situation is due to a forcefield system which is far too complex for any of us to understand, although it has been rumoured that this is all due to the lazy and idiotic artists who worked on the cartoon. Nobody claims this to be the case anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because the artists erased all those who believed this to be truth. Which, now you think of it, DOES seem to be the most logical theory - AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!"
An enormous piece of pink rubber materialised through a transwarp gate at that point, scrubbing furiously at Shockwave, deleting him one line, one layer of colour, at a time.
"Help meeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Soundwave just stood there and pointed at his stricken comrade. "Ha. Ha. Haaaaa."
With a sickening, Looney Tunes-patented 'boing' sound, Shockwave vanished from existence, doomed to appear only in the comics from this point on. Soundwave and Jazz stood and stared for a moment, before continuing along.
Arriving in Megatron's court, they found the self-proclaimed Future Master Of The Universe And Everything In It sitting in an enormous purple lounge chair, stroking a quietly purring Ravage. In seconds, his demeanour changed from 'mild' to 'gloating' after catching sight of Jazz.
"Ahahahahhaaaaa! Now we have you in our grasp, Teletran 1's secrets shall be mine, ALL MINE!" the 'Con leader exclaimed, with much arm-waggling.
Jazz was confused again. "What secrets? It's a slaggin' Etch-A-Sketch, any fool can see that!"
Megatron sat down again. "Bugger."
Ever one to make his presence known, the white and red Seeker, Starscream, went into his all-too-familiar routine. "If I was leader of the Decepticons, we wouldn't waste our energy on such pointless pursuits!"
Megatron rolled his optics. Then he put them back in his head. "Why, because we'd waste all our energy on talking, just like you do?"
"Whaddaya mean, waste ALL our - gaaak!" Starscream choked and ground to a standstill, his optics reverting to an unlit grey.
"Fool. Skywarp, Thundercracker, go throw him in a volcano or something." Megatron waved a hand in dismissal as he spoke.
"Can I get down to why I'm here," Jazz started, "or is radio-man here gonna hold me for eternity?"
"Oh great, now he's getting all impatient. How scary." Megatron smirked. "Soundwave, release him."
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave released Jazz.
"Wait a minute. . ." Megatron thought, ". . . Soundwave, pretend to be evil."
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave promptly raised one hand in the sir and pressed his 'play' button. A recording of one of Adolf Hitler's speeches blasted out around the room.
"Sweet! Soundwave," yelled Megatron over the deafening German commands, "kick yourself in the head."
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave kicked his own head, quite a feat with his lack of articulation points. Then he lost consciousness and keeled over.
"Sometimes I wonder why you guys fail when you have loyalty like that." Jazz rummaged around in his bonnet for a while, before removing a scorch- marked plastic container. "Prime was wondering if you can open this for him."
"Hmmm. A worthy challenge. But," Megatron raised his right arm above his head, the fist retracting and being replaced by a glowing spiked mace, "NOT FOR LONG!"
Megatron brought the mace down with all his force, resulting in about 90 tons of concussive pressure. The container wasn't even dented. Megs leapt away, cradling his forearm.
"You dare to damage the mighty Megatron? You must have a blowout in your logic circuits!" Megatron took aim and fired his arm-mounted Fusion Cannon, striking the container dead centre. The shot of pink antimatter deflected harmlessly from the still invincible Noodles, and bounced around the room randomly until it hit Megatron clean in the foot.
"GAH! I have been wounded! RETREAT!" Megatron yelled. Nobody responded, on account of no other 'Cons being in operational condition. "But I promise you. . .I will be avenged, Autobot," Megatron was grinning away to himself as he said this, "I SHALL RETUUURRRRRNNN!" Then the bucket-headed one turned tail and blew a hole in the ceiling, flying away into the noon sky.
Jazz just stood there, dumbstruck. Soundwave, struggling to his feet, pressed the 'play' button again, making use of his personal favourite sample.
"Aww shit, what are we gonna do now?!"
***************
Author's Note: My best ending yet, I think. Please, if you liked/hated the story so far, send a review telling what was so good/abysmal. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Ta-ra for now!
Microwave Jockey
Author's Note: And so begins Chapter 2. Jazz is on his way to have a chinwag with the Decepticons, Wheeljack continues to blow things up, and Arcee has the painters in. Actually, I have no idea if that last bit is true or not; it's not like robots can bleed like us anyway. And now.REVIEWERS!
Vega Sailor: You'll find out soon enough. Mwuhahahahaaa!
Skins Thunderbomb: Thanks very much, and 'Opie' can eat just fine; he has a mouth just like the rest of them. But due to an obscure contract obligation, Prime, Soundwave and certain others must wear a ridiculous face- mask thing. Although it has been rumoured that Wheeljack's face was redesigned to minimise his allergy sufferings.
Now, in case you folks were wondering about the odd chapter names, and the name of the whole story, I've taken the names of episodes from the immortal TF cartoon and changed them to have something to do with food. Hence 'Fire In The Sky' becomes 'Fry In The Pan', 'More Than Meets The Eye' becomes 'More Than Bakes The Pie', and now, 'The Ultimate Doom' becomes 'The Ultimate Spoon'. I need to get out more.
**********
Time: 1045 Earth Hours. Location: Decepticon Headquarters, Floor of the Pacific Ocean.
Jazz stared glumly up at the odd icon proudly displayed above the door in front of him, and sighed. The Predacons had recently taken Megatron to court over the rather pointless issue as to why they can't use the Beast Wars Predacon logo, which, in their words, "is way cooler than that stupid pointy purple thing anyway". Megatron took great offense at this, but even threatening that the jury would be crushed with his bare hands was not enough to win the case. So a compromise was worked out, and all Decepticons were refitted with an obscure amalgamation of both logos. It looked ridiculous, but at least it didn't give Predaking an excuse to leak lubricant all over the walls.
Swallowing his pride, Jazz pressed the gigantic red button located right in the centre of the door, just below a sign reading 'Don Not Press This Button Or You Shall Face Termination'. The door squeaked open slowly, and Jazz caught sight of a single yellow dot flashing at him, just before the door abruptly swung open the rest of the way and a purple gun barrel was pointed in his face.
"Prepare for termination!" said a menacing figure in a refined English accent.
"Dude, it's Jazz," replied the walking car, "I'm not actively trying to break in."
"But you pressed the red button!"
"So what?"
"Visitors press the other button!"
"There is no other button!"
"Huh?" The angular, cycloptic head of Shockwave leaned outside and looked at the door, before turning back inside and yelling into the complex. "SOUNDWAVE! I HAVE A QUERY!"
Soundwave suddenly appeared directly beside Shockwave, his voice echoing and inflectionless. "Is. Assistance. Required?"
Shockwave jumped slightly at the sudden noise, his single optic glowing brightly. "Stop playing around with your vocal processor!"
"You. Got. A. Cheek. To. Talk."
"Why, you miserable mental inferior! I have fifty percent of a cerebro- mainframe to shut you down permanently!"
"Bring. It. On. Beeyotch."
"SILENCE YOU FOOLS! Bring the Autobot prisoner before me!" Another voice, that of head evil nasty thing Megatron, echoed through the hall.
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave promptly grabbed Jazz' arm and lead him further into the building, ignoring Shockwave flipping him off.
A sudden thought occurred to Jazz. "Hey, you left the door open, right?"
Shockwave replied, his voice now more authorative as they approached Megatron's hall. "Correct."
"So, shouldn't this building be filling up with water? We are under the sea and all."
Shcokwave pondered this fact for a moment. "The central computer claims this situation is due to a forcefield system which is far too complex for any of us to understand, although it has been rumoured that this is all due to the lazy and idiotic artists who worked on the cartoon. Nobody claims this to be the case anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because the artists erased all those who believed this to be truth. Which, now you think of it, DOES seem to be the most logical theory - AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!"
An enormous piece of pink rubber materialised through a transwarp gate at that point, scrubbing furiously at Shockwave, deleting him one line, one layer of colour, at a time.
"Help meeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Soundwave just stood there and pointed at his stricken comrade. "Ha. Ha. Haaaaa."
With a sickening, Looney Tunes-patented 'boing' sound, Shockwave vanished from existence, doomed to appear only in the comics from this point on. Soundwave and Jazz stood and stared for a moment, before continuing along.
Arriving in Megatron's court, they found the self-proclaimed Future Master Of The Universe And Everything In It sitting in an enormous purple lounge chair, stroking a quietly purring Ravage. In seconds, his demeanour changed from 'mild' to 'gloating' after catching sight of Jazz.
"Ahahahahhaaaaa! Now we have you in our grasp, Teletran 1's secrets shall be mine, ALL MINE!" the 'Con leader exclaimed, with much arm-waggling.
Jazz was confused again. "What secrets? It's a slaggin' Etch-A-Sketch, any fool can see that!"
Megatron sat down again. "Bugger."
Ever one to make his presence known, the white and red Seeker, Starscream, went into his all-too-familiar routine. "If I was leader of the Decepticons, we wouldn't waste our energy on such pointless pursuits!"
Megatron rolled his optics. Then he put them back in his head. "Why, because we'd waste all our energy on talking, just like you do?"
"Whaddaya mean, waste ALL our - gaaak!" Starscream choked and ground to a standstill, his optics reverting to an unlit grey.
"Fool. Skywarp, Thundercracker, go throw him in a volcano or something." Megatron waved a hand in dismissal as he spoke.
"Can I get down to why I'm here," Jazz started, "or is radio-man here gonna hold me for eternity?"
"Oh great, now he's getting all impatient. How scary." Megatron smirked. "Soundwave, release him."
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave released Jazz.
"Wait a minute. . ." Megatron thought, ". . . Soundwave, pretend to be evil."
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave promptly raised one hand in the sir and pressed his 'play' button. A recording of one of Adolf Hitler's speeches blasted out around the room.
"Sweet! Soundwave," yelled Megatron over the deafening German commands, "kick yourself in the head."
"As. You. Command. Megatron." Soundwave kicked his own head, quite a feat with his lack of articulation points. Then he lost consciousness and keeled over.
"Sometimes I wonder why you guys fail when you have loyalty like that." Jazz rummaged around in his bonnet for a while, before removing a scorch- marked plastic container. "Prime was wondering if you can open this for him."
"Hmmm. A worthy challenge. But," Megatron raised his right arm above his head, the fist retracting and being replaced by a glowing spiked mace, "NOT FOR LONG!"
Megatron brought the mace down with all his force, resulting in about 90 tons of concussive pressure. The container wasn't even dented. Megs leapt away, cradling his forearm.
"You dare to damage the mighty Megatron? You must have a blowout in your logic circuits!" Megatron took aim and fired his arm-mounted Fusion Cannon, striking the container dead centre. The shot of pink antimatter deflected harmlessly from the still invincible Noodles, and bounced around the room randomly until it hit Megatron clean in the foot.
"GAH! I have been wounded! RETREAT!" Megatron yelled. Nobody responded, on account of no other 'Cons being in operational condition. "But I promise you. . .I will be avenged, Autobot," Megatron was grinning away to himself as he said this, "I SHALL RETUUURRRRRNNN!" Then the bucket-headed one turned tail and blew a hole in the ceiling, flying away into the noon sky.
Jazz just stood there, dumbstruck. Soundwave, struggling to his feet, pressed the 'play' button again, making use of his personal favourite sample.
"Aww shit, what are we gonna do now?!"
***************
Author's Note: My best ending yet, I think. Please, if you liked/hated the story so far, send a review telling what was so good/abysmal. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Ta-ra for now!
Microwave Jockey