TransFormers:  Toast In The Machine

Author's Note:  As I write, I've no idea when this chapter will be uploaded, but it's safe to assume it'll be after Christmas.  Anyway, the namesake this time is the episode 'Ghost In The Machine', and if you think I'm making this up – and I can hardly blame you for thinking so – check for the Generation One Episode Guide, and see if you can think of something better.  Go on, I dare you.  And the reviews just keep on comin'!

Skins Thunderbomb:  The update is coming, my loyal fan.

Saphire Cat:  Thankyou, and Prime is returning.  As for swords…well, that's just too darn clever for them, isn't it?

Pivot:  My other loyal fan…thanks for giving me one heckuva good idea!

Are you ready?  Here we go!

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Time:  1255 Earth Hours.  Location:  Basement Level, Decepticon Headquarters.

"BWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Jazz cringed.  The purple menace had been yelling non-stop for the past ten minutes, and his orange arm-cannon was still active, just waiting to tear some new holes in the floor.  Plus, the guy's grating voice was murder on his audio receptors.  Hoping the psycho wouldn't see him, Jazz flipped open his arm-comm unit and whispered over a direct line to The Ark.

"If anyone is still around to hear this message, get your aluminium ass off your recharge beds and help me out down here, before this big violet – "

Another blast of pink matter severed Jazz' arm at the elbow.  The surprised car-bot fell backwards to the floor.

"Looks like you've been cut off – PERMANENTLY!  Ahahahahaaaaa!"

"Urrggghhh…"  Jazz rubbed the back of his head with his still-functioning hand.  "I don't know what hurts more; my arm or your overused jokes."

"You dare to mock the mighty Galvatron?!"  Spatters of oil flew from the enraged mech's mouth.  "Well, all I can say is…"

Jazz hazarded a guess.  "'Bwaaaahhh'?"

"No…"  Galvy took a deep breath.  "…BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Galvatron took careful aim with his arm-cannon, lining up Jazz' head perfectly.  He didn't even notice the large shadow fall over him.  Or the enormous grey foot that crushed him two astroseconds later.

Jazz blinked and looked up.  The foot belonged to a bulky gestalt with an orange face-shield and one arm ending in a cannon, the other in a large claw.  The behemoth stood in silence for a minute before its ancient vocal circuits came alive.

"Yelling:  Excessive.  Headache:  Irritable.  Termination:  Inevitable."  The giant made Soundwave's drone look positively alive with the sound of music.

Jazz grinned.  "Omega Supreme!  I didn't think you would turn up in this sorry tale!"

Omega looked down at the sports car.  "Placement:  Unavoidable.  Status:  One of author's favourite Autobots."

Jazz grumbled.  "I'm supposed to be the people's favourite around here…"

~Back At The Ark~

Optimus Prime, Benevolent Leader Of All That Is Good And Pure, stepped through the doors of what was once Wheeljack's laboratory, which now resembled the interior of a Beelthezan Impact Crater.  Or, at least, that's what he thought the interior of a Beelthezan Impact Crater looked like.

"Wheeljack, are you having any luck with your new assignment?"  Prime was in an all-business mood today.  He'd managed to read one whole page of Earth's Financial Times publication before he went into stasis lock.

"Negative, Optimus."  Wheeljack looked quite dumbfounded with his latest challenge.  "Try as I might, there just doesn't seem to be a way to stop Ironhide sounding like a bad Clint Eastwood motion picture."

"Thayat's enuff o' yorr chaik, ayas-howel!"  The security mech was easily offended when it came down to his vocal processes.  "Mah voyice is jest fahn, riyat Opteemuss?"

Prime blinked his optics several times.  "Pardon?"

"Mah voyice!"

"Which orifice?"

"Whuh?"

"You said something about an orifice."

"Naw I diyunt!"

"You want a donut?"

"Dang!"

"For Primus' sake…"  Optimus pulled his laser rifle out of the invisible void where he kept his secondary components if they weren't being used and shot Ironhide point-blank in the head, scattering fragments of steel and wiring all over the adjacent wall.

Wheeljack nodded.  "Now, that's decisive leadership."

The 'Bots were about to start up a game of Baccarat when Jazz' warning played over The Ark's PA system.  This had the unfortunate effect of waking up all the Autobots in the ancient ship, who were unsurprisingly quite miffed at having their beauty sleep disturbed.  Prime listened to the recording, then looked at each of the assembled Autobots.  Taking a deep breath, he uttered one of his most well-known and traditional phrases.

"Awright, who's buying the beers today?"

~Back At Decepticon HQ~

Jazz was sitting down cross-legged with the seemingly invincible noodles on the floor in front of him.  He'd long since left Omega Supreme to his own devices, and said gestalt was at this moment away in a corner, holding Devastator in a headlock and grating the top of the giant 'Con's head with the points of his claw.

"Demand:  Say 'uncle'."

"Devastator refuses!"

"Result:  Increased force."

"Devastator will hand over his lunch money!"

Jazz was still ignoring the two of them when he noticed a tremor spreading through the floor, which seemed to centre around the noodles.  Even as these thoughts flickered through Jazz' cerebro-circuits, the force of the tremor increased dramatically, and the steel flooring actually cracked, fissures running clean through it and the ocean bed below it.  Thin beams of light began to burst from the rupturing seams of the noodle container, and a hollow, echoing laugh reverberated around the room, breaking up the two gestalts and forcing Jazz to his feet…as the lid of the container burst away.

All suddenly became quiet for a few seconds, before a deafening crunch and explosion of dust and tortured metal knocked all three functioning TransFormers in the room off their feet.  Jazz struggled to get up, but the vibrations had returned, stronger this time…and so had a shrill, irritating beeping…

Wait a minute…I know that beeping…

Opening his bonnet again, Jazz rummaged through the assorted contents until he found what he was looking for; a small, grey plastic object with numerous buttons and a screen.  Pressing one of the buttons, the tremors and the sound immediately stopped, and Jazz raised the device to his right audio receptor.
"Hello?"

"Yo, dude!  This is Funky Blaster!"

"Whaddaya want now, you overgrown ghetto-blasting fool?"

"You catch me on MTV dis week, dawg?"

"No, and I hope to Primus they don't repeat it."  Jazz flipped off his mobile again before the moronic comms officer could figure out he was being insulted.

Looking up, Jazz realised he was no longer in the Decepticon HQ.  Devastator and Omega Supreme were still next to him, but the floor was now orange, and a massive head loomed over them, replete with green eyes, horns, and one seriously daft beard.  Without the gargantuan mech's mouth opening, a booming voice echoed throughout the area – which, Jazz realised, was just outside Earth's atmosphere.

"YOU CANNOT DESTROY MY DESTINYYYYY!  THE UNIVERSE WILL BE MINEEEEEEE!"

Suddenly, Jazz felt a tapping on his shoulder and turned, coming face to face with Sludge, the Diplodocus Dinobot.

"Uhh, excuse me, can you lend me some money for the bus ride home?"

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Author's Note:  There!  I wrote that all in one night!  It should at least keep you occupied until I can start work again, i.e. after the whole Xmas hoo-hah is over and done with.  If you want to compliment, aggravate, or make suggestions to me, drop me a review, and begone!  You never know, it may have an effect on the story; I wasn't planning to include Unicron until Pivot suggested that the noodles might mutate thanks to the energy they had absorbed.  Thanks again for that idea.  Anyway, Merry Chrizzlemas to y'all, and remember…there's a fine line between being a hero…and being a total prat.

Microwave Jockey