TransFormers:  Five Donuts Of Darkness

Author's Note:  It feels like an eternity since I last updated; in fact, I had to re-read this thing from the beginning to actually remember where to go.  Luckily, I left a Post-It note telling me what the next chapter should be…or maybe it was a shopping list made from the torn cover of one of the Worst Guitar Band Ever's CDs.  I guess we'll never know.    Well, actually, this chapter's name is derived from the awful 'Five Faces Of Darkness' cartoon episodes.  I know, 'Donuts' isn't a good substitute for 'Faces', but it's better than 'Faeces', alright?  Now, reviewers; make yaselves known!

Skins Thunderbomb:  Hello again to Biggest Fan Version 1, and you don't have to thank me for Ironhide's tragic demise.  He had it coming, and so do a few others.  Blaster's next…(did I say that aloud?)

Pivot:  Greetings once more to Biggest Fan Version 2, and I don't mind eggs so long as the yolk is still runny.

And off we go!  COWABUNGAAAAAAA!  (?)

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Time:  1315 Earth Hours.  Location:  Unicron, near Earth.

Jazz was in a seriously bad situation.  For starters, what he'd assumed to be nothing more than an indestructible pack of microwavable food had now revealed itself to be Unicron, or 'The Chaos Bringer' as he's known in the professional wrestling circuit.  Second, he was unable to contact The Ark for help thanks to a crazed purple mech severing his arm (and even if he could contact them, his own impending doom probably wouldn't be a valid reason for Optimus and co. to bat an optic-lid in grief). And to top it all off, he'd forgotten to set his VCR to tape tonight's Ally McBeal.  This was, indeed, a very bad thing.

"Hmmmm," rumbled the planet-sized prat, still not moving his lips.  "What carnage can I possibly cook up…a-ha!"

Reaching out with a fist he size of…

Jazz thought.  What was that fist the same size as anyway?

Nevermind.  It was a really big fist, and Unicron reached out with it and grabbed the moon in his palm, yanking it out of Earth's orbit.  This caused tremendous tidal waves to ravage the planet, but Unicron had bigger issues to worry about…

~Back At The Ark~

Optimus loved his lounge chair.  Originally just a lump of poseable steel, Ratchet had reconfigured it with the spark of Brawn, who had the misfortune to be taking a shuttle trip when the Decepticons did their first take for the shuttle-boarding scene in TransFormers The Movie.  For reasons which remain shrouded in the same mystery as the JFK assassination, Brawn was testing out Wheeljack's newest armour prototype that day, which the cheerful techno-geek had codenamed 'Stormtrooper Plastic'.  Surprisingly enough, this proved to be ineffective against Megatron's main weapon, and Brawn, attempting to look tough for the cameras, died with the first shot, as shown in the special edition twin DVD pack's 'making of' documentary.  Also, the coating of the chair was 100% 'H-leather', another of Wheeljack's daft codenames, used for the rather revolting concept of tanned human skin.  While the Jackmeister was hardly sadistic as such, he'd felt that this was an appropriate way to deal with the young punks who frequently sneaked past Teletran 1's retarded security systems and sprayed graffiti all over the Ark's shiny orange walls.  And revolting as it may sound, it sure was comfortable.

Now, there isn't much that can awaken a snoozing Prime from a calming recharge period in front of a large widescreen TV showing repeats of Baywatch Nights.  However, if said TV were to turn off or be jammed…

And whaddaya know?  The screen promptly burst into static, and a dull fizzing sound filled the room.

Prime twitched twice without switching himself online, before his optic sensors lit up and he leapt to his iron feet, clutching his head with both hands.

"TV?  TV?!"  Optimus was clearly distraught.  He sank to the floor on his knee joints, sobbing and leaking lubricant from his optics, before jumping up and drawing his rifle.  "DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!"  With a cry of pure fuel-lust, Prime went into an insane trigger-happy rampage, blistering all the walls of the room with laser fire and breaking everything that wasn't essential to the survival of all TransFormers.  And a few things that were.  Then he stopped as abruptly as he started and stood in the middle of the room, seething, as the fire sprinklers activated.

"This…Is…WAR!"  He was not a happy bunny.

~Back On Unicron~

Unicron concentrated.  This act required all of his considerable might and power, and the consequences would be devastating should he fail.  Taking a short run-up, he swung his massive arm around and flung the small earth's moon with all his might, sending it soaring away to the far depths of the galaxy.  Not that he cared where it ended up; he just cared how many of those rocks he hit on the way.

Jazz focused his magnified optics on the Asteroid Belt which lay between Earth and Mars as Unicron tossed away.  The moon spun wildly but flew straight, and obliterated the hastily-assembled pyramid of space rock in its way.

Jazz grinned.  "Steee-rike!"  Then he quickly turned on his foot magnets as the planet-bot beneath him punched the air and did the Macarena dance routine in celebration.

Devastator raised one green arm and called to the enormous bearded mech.  "Devastator say you give me five!"  The lime-coloured gestalt never had a chance; obliging, Unicron raised and pushed his left hand, larger than the gestalt's entire body, at Devastator, knocking the Constructicon giant far away into deep space at a speed of several hundred miles per hour.

As the green giant became a smaller and smaller speck in the distance, a screeching voice could be heard.  "Looks like the Constructicons are blasting off agaaaaiiiinnnn!"  Then Devastator disappeared in a small burst of light.

Back on Unicron, Omega Supreme shook his head.  "Television parody quality:  Abysmal."

~A Large Volcano In Europe Somewhere~

Skywarp and Thundercracker were known primarily for their loyalty to Megatron, and the efficiency with which they acted in battle.  To be utterly honest, this had nothing to do with any intelligence or physical strength; rather, they were loyal because they were too stupid to think about arguing with Megs' orders, and were often triumphant in fights due to the fact that they looked so darn mean.  At this moment, they were on Megatron's latest assignment, that of disposing of Starscream's body.  Throwing said mechanical cadaver into a volcano ma have been a bit too elaborate a demise, particularly since the nearest volcano was a couple hundred miles away, but the two Seekers carried out their orders to the letter, as always.

"Bugger…"  Skywarp, the seemingly younger of the two, was exhausted.  "Carrying a passenger sure takes it out of ya, dunnit?"

"Not usually."  Thundercracker replied in his usual guttural rumble.  "I guess Screamer's been putting on some weight recently."

"Well, now that he's here…"  Skywarp peered over the edge of the crater, squinting at the warm orange glow rising up from below.  "He can have a little sauna to work out some of these calorie problems."

Both of he functioning Seekers chuckled slowly, before each taking one end of Starscream, Skywarp holding the head while Thundercracker held the legs, and swung him back and forth several times.  "One...Two…"

On the third swing…"FIVE!  Erm, FOUR!"…they let go, and Starscream's body sailed down into the waiting inferno.  The two jets stood there admiring there handiwork, when an ear-splitting sound rent the very air apart.

Thundercracker reeled.  "Skywarp, turn down that slaggin' Walkman!"

"I'm trying!"  Skywarp was fiddling with a tiny plastic device, which had several buttons on it, all of which were far too small for the Con's stubbly fingers to press.  Losing what little patience he had, Skywarp threw the device to the ground and swiftly stamped on it, silencing the racket.

Thundercracker recovered and stood up.  "What was that?"

Skywarp scratched his head, looking sheepish.  "My Papa Roach CD.  I forgot it was still in there."

All of a sudden, a translucent blue image flew up out of the volcano and stopped in front of the two jets.  It looked remarkably similar to a particular white-and-red robot.

"Pah!  You fools!"  The image's voice was also familiar, in a very unwelcoming manner.  "Starscream can never die!  My spirit will live on, and my spark shall never rest until I am leader of the Decepticons!  Ahahahahahaaaa!"

Skywarp and Thundercracker stood where they were and stared, blinking very slowly.  After five tense minutes, they raised their arms and shot the ghost with two beams of pink energy, knocking it back down into the pit with a cry of "Buggerrrrrr!"

The two remaining Seekers stood staring back down at the crater for a few more minutes, until Skywarp grinned. "Dude, we like, so totally kicked his ass!"

Thundercracker sneezed from the build-up of soot in the air.  "I'm hungry.  Let's go find a Taco Bell or somethin'."

As the two jets walked away, Skywarp burst into song.  "If there's somethin' strange…an' it don't look good…who ya gonna call?  GHOST-SEEKERS!  Da-da-da-da-da-da-daaaaa!"

~Back At The Ark~

Optimus had called a meeting in the main hall, and he stood in front of Teletran 1, surveying his troops with a solemn pride.  All were quiet and awaited his briefing.  Either that or they had run out of things to say; they'd been standing here for twenty minutes now, after all.

Optimus cleared his vocal processors, making a sound akin to a cat being mangled in a washing machine with razorblades lining the tumbler.  (Another of Wheeljack's experiments – don't ask)  "As you have no doubt guessed, we are preparing for a battle."

The silence of the room was broken as every Autobot in the hall yelled "DUH!" as loud as they can.  When the giggles had subsided, Prime continued.

"But we are not merely going to face Megatron and his useless comrades.  Heck, we're not even helping Dubya and the 'Gawd Dang You-Nighted Staights Uv Amereeka' to oust another democratically elected tinpot Ukrainian geezer with dodgy facial hair.  Oh no.  We're going to face…"  Optimus spun on his heel and pointed at the screen behind him.  "…THE DEATH STAR!"

All the Autobots present looked utterly confused.  Okay, so maybe this thing was an evil planet…and maybe its debut in TransFormers The Movie was more than slightly similar to A New Hope…but…it had a beard.  And wasn't remotely scary.

"Uhh…Prime…"  The late-arriving Mirage, just back from the desert, raised one hand.

"Yes, Mirage?"

"That's Unicron."

"Eh?"  Prime glanced back at the screen, then stared at Mirage.  "Are you saying that you think this thing is a flying horse of some description?"

"What?  No, I…Oh, for Primus' sake…"  Mirage buried his face in his hands, muttering "Why…me…"

Prime stared at him for another few seconds before returning his attention to the front.  "Needless to say, this thing is the most dangerous foe we have ever encountered.  I expect you all to perform to the best of your abilities.  Now…"

Prime took a deep breath and pointed toward the exit with one arm.  "TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!"

All the assembled Autobots shifted into vehicle mode…and stayed exactly where they are.

"Eh, Prime," queried the Lamborghini-esque warrior Sideswipe, "how exactly can we drive to outer space?"

Prime was silent for a moment, then issued a blast of steam from his exhausts.  "DANG!"

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Author's Note:  Well, we're revving up for the final battle!  Yes folks, this sorry tale is reaching its conclusion.  I'm not sure what I'll do when this is finished, but I'm definitely gonna try something for the TFs.  Don't expect me to go for anything other than G1 though.  Anyway, I'll see y'all next time – 'Til All Are Three!

Microwave Jockey