Part Twenty-Five-
It's been months since I've even stepped foot in California. Months since I've seen any of my friends or family. It's been a long hard road, and I am sure that it will never end. I've been all over the place in the year that I've been gone. I went through stages. Guilt stricken terror that plagued me every moment of the day, a feral rage that seemed to consume my every cell of being, self-pitying shame that made me want to just lay down and die, silent anger at those above for making my life like this, and finally, quiet indifference. I was alone in this world and none of it seemed to matter anymore.
I've been through hell and back and I still don't know where I belong in this world. There are few people I can trust, really trust with my whole life.
My friends in Sunnydale aren't those people.
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if they ever truly were.
When you are alone, and there's no one you can trust, the world can be a very cold and hard place. I learned this mere weeks after I had left Sunnydale. I had run out of cash and my father had frozen my credit cards and account. I knew what they were all doing. Trying to make me come back. Trying to make me crawl pitifully on my hands and knees, begging for home and forgiveness. But, I could survive without money and without any of them. Hell, that's all I had been doing for years was surviving. Everything getting taken away from me gradually, slowly, but surely. Money was just one more thing I was denied. It turned out that it wasn't much of a problem. I didn't need much to sustain myself. When I had left Sunnydale, I had been filled with rage and fear. Fear of what I had done, willingly. Rage aimed at everyone around me. Now, I was just depressed and empty. It's hard to explain, but it's like I don't feel anything like I used to. A smile hurts my face, tears burn hotly at my eyes, and it seems so hard just to keep moving. To know that I have to do it forever, that there is no end for me…
Spike said to me once that Slayers are in love with death, that we obsess, and wish for it. I think he was right. I dream of just closing my eyes and never opening them again and every morning when I wake up is a disappointment.
I've become a very bitter, emotionally hindered person.
But, today was a better day. I was in Louisiana; I had arrived late last night. I had gotten a room and fell fast asleep the moment my head hit the pillows.
When I had woken up, I had decided to go sightseeing. I hadn't really done that in any other city. I'd arrive, stay for a few weeks and crash, until I felt them getting closer.
Them, of course, being my 'friends'. I had thought that after a few mere weeks that they would give up and let me be. I was wrong, shockingly, but wrong nonetheless. There were times when Angel and Willow had been in the same town as I had been. Times that I had to leave fast, speeding out of wherever I was, just to get away from them. I don't know why they chased me, why they searched for me, but they were. Almost obsessively.
The sun was bright in my eyes as I walked. I didn't mind it today. It was tolerable, welcomed, even. It reminded me of brighter days from long ago, from my childhood, from when my father was my Daddy, and my mother knew my life. Thoughts like these, of a past I had lost forever, brought cold tears to my eyes. I only knew this life that I lived. I only knew the hours of darkness, love lost, death's kiss, and the pull of eternity. I didn't know happiness in the light, the blessed rush over time ticking against me, or the joy of a life being fulfilled.
To be utterly truthful, I probably wouldn't ever know any of those things normal people took for granted.
I shook my wind-mussed hair out of my face as I walked. I held up my hand and examined a sherry colored nail. I stuck it in my mouth and lightly chewed on it, a new unconscious habit I had developed. I looked around at the gauzy shops and merchants along the walkways. Designer stores stood tall against dark voodoo shops. I could smell the magic in the air as I passed the tiny dark shops with incense burning from shadowed doorways.
"You are very troubled." A voice observed, taking me from my thoughts.
I turned slowly and looked into the old eyes of a woman. Her voice was thick with age and accent. Her hair was long a sleek, the color of raven. Her eyes were dark and glittering. She must have been seventy, but didn't look a day over forty.
"You heart hurts. Your soul is in conflict, dancing the eternal dance of death and life." She whispered, her eyes drawing in the daylight, but reflecting nothing.
"Am I that obvious?" I asked, my voice light.
"Not you, child. Your stance, your aura, your eyes. I am not blind to those in pain, girl, and your pain is that of the worst kind." The woman murmured.
My lips quirked. "That might be a serious understatement."
"You are drowning in self-pity and disgust." The woman marveled. "Every morning is difficult for you. The suns hurt you, does it not? Your body aches with the eternal hunger of the vampire within you. You want to hate those you love…you want to run. You are running, but do you not know you cannot run forever? They will catch up to you…detain you. For, the two damned souls that love you, they also have an eternity to run and follow you." The woman went on.
My head started to hurt. I became painfully aware of the suns' scorching rays burning my tender flesh. I closed my eyes and tried to steady myself with my hand against the wall.
"Stop it…" I murmured slowly.
"Do you not see, girl? You are the equilibrium. You are the equidistant of this world, heaven, hell, and whatever is in-between. You are good not nor evil. You just exist." She pressed, her voice pounding in my mind.
"Stop." I said, more firmly not wanting to know, not wanting to believe.
"You must force yourself to stay in the balance, not lean into evil. Do you understand?" She asked, her voice high and almost desperate.
"Leave me alone." I shook my head and started to walk away.
She lunged forward with a speed that astonished even me. She seized my shoulder and pulled me to look into her unreflecting eyes.
"You are this realms last hope for equanimity. Run all you want, but fate and destiny will find you." She said calmly, with an angry undertone.
"Fate?" I echoed shrilly, almost insanely. "Fate has fucked with my life more times than I can bear to remember! I am done with this! I can't do it anymore; I can't fix everything for everyone. Doesn't anyone see? I can't do this!" I shouted, distressed.
"You can! You were born for this. This is the entity of your entire existence…it has to be you." She finished softly.
I raged. "No! Not me, not anymore. Pick someone else, 'cause I quit. I cannot take this anymore. I am *this* close to the edge and falling off is looking better and better every moment…" I closed my eyes against tears of hopelessness. "Just leave me alone. Tell the damned Powers that it's over." I looked up to the sky. "Do you hear me?! It's OVER!" I screamed and started to run.
"Run away and hide, little girl!" The woman sneered behind me. "What good are you to the world? The Powers made a mistake, that which you are right about. You are weak, frail, and feeble! Stick your head in the sand, cower in the corner, secrete from time and fate, child!"
I stopped dead in my tracks. I was not weak. I was strong, damn it. I had made it, survived this far. I turned quickly and strode over to her. I grabbed her by the neck and held her against the wall.
"You don't know me, old woman. You don't know what I've lived through. Weak, frail, and fragile are things I am not!" I snarled, my lips twisting and my eyes flashing.
She was silent for a long moment, then a long, silky smile broke out on her face. Her eyes glittered like dead stars.
"You can be provoked. All is not lost." Was all she said.
I blinked and she was gone when I looked again. I took a surprised step back. I looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary.
"I'm hallucinating now, terrific." I scoffed to myself.
The little bout with the old (imaginary?) woman made me slightly dazed and confused. I wandered around the large town before heading back to my hotel room. The back of my neck tingled as I climbed up to the high-rise. I was weary and tired as I took a deep breath of the swamp-tinged air. I took my key out of my pocket and slid it into the lock. I slowly turned the knob open. I stepped through the threshold and closed the door.
Then I froze, shock and slight fear in my features.
"Damn."
*
"Damn." I muttered, my voice echoing in my home, like glass shattering.
I dropped my key and leaned back against the door, all my strength sapping out of me. I met a pair of dark eyes defiantly, my gaze softening when I met ice blue eyes.
"Guess you found me, huh?" I scoffed, a tight chuckle escaping my lips. I kicked off my boots and turned on the light. "The rest of the Calvary with you?" My lips twisted as I peered around the room.
"You're a hard one to track, luv." Spike said, his clear eyes glittering.
I snorted. "Might be because I didn't want to be found."
I brushed past them and went into the kitchen. I cracked my back and neck, grabbing a cup and filling it with tap water. I started out at the setting sun.
"How'd you get in? I sure as hell didn't invite either of you." I said to them.
He just stood there, his deep brown eyes tearing into me with no mercy. He didn't attempt to move, nor speak. He just stared.
"How did you find me?" I asked them again, not really expecting a response.
"Easy." Spike shrugged. "The Poof, here, used his handy-dandy connection to track ya. You're quick, though. Almost caught ya a few times, there."
I nodded. "I know. Close calls, but nothing I couldn't handle." I took a deep breath and sighed. "What are you doing here? I'm not coming back."
"Why?" A single syllable was uttered by him, his deep eyes ablaze.
I met my eyes with his unflinchingly. "Because, Angel, I can't."
"Can't or won't, luv?" Spike interjected.
"Maybe a little bit of both."
"You need too, Buffy. We help you, I can help you." Angel said.
"No, you can't. You have no idea what I'm feeling. No fucking clue." I laughed wryly. "I'm not one of your little 'projects', Angel. I'm not one of your 'lost souls'. And, I'm sure as hell not innocent." I looked at both of them. "You can go, now, 'cause you're just wasting your time. And mine."
Angel let out a harsh, bitter laughed.
Silently, I cringed at the sound.
"Your time, Buffy? Your time?" He repeated, cold amusement in his voice. "Are we wasting your cherished time? Your precious forever and a day?" His tone was mocking. "Right, Buffy. Because you're so busy, your life is so hectic." His tone was mocking. "Your so busy, so stressed, so damn depressed because you are running."
"Shut up." I snapped at him. "And what the hell did you do for decades after you got your soul?" My yelled, my voice ragged. "You wandered around like a mindless zombie, you didn't do anything substantial! You still killed, still roamed around with Darla! You didn't start being the Caped Crusader until you met me! So, who the hell are you to judge me about how I'm dealing with this? Just leave me the fuck alone!" I ended in a furious scream.
Spike was chuckling. "Caped Crusader… Good one, pet."
I just looked at him, my fury dissipating and turning to small laughter. I felt numb depression creeping up on me. I took a deep shuddering breath, not daring to look at Angel's face. I knew that what I said was wrong. I had promised him, once upon a time, that I would never judge him nor throw his past in his face. And, that's just what I had done.
"Luv, you've got to come home." Spike said, taking a tentative step toward me.
I didn't stop him. It wasn't him I was warding myself from. It was Angel. He could hurt me; make me break down the carefully constructed walls I had built after what had happened. "No." I said, shaking my head. "For the last time, I won't."
"You're scared." Angel said softly. "You don't want to face them, to have them ridicule you about what happened. You are terrified about being left and rejected, so you're running before anyone can hurt you."
I snorted, laughing loudly. "That's where you're wrong, babe. No matter what happens, they will judge me, lecture me about my life. No one in that damn town can trust me with my own life. I left because I do not have the strength, the patience, to deal with their shit! I'm never good enough for them. Not when I was normal, not when I was the Slayer, not even when I was dead! Buffy has to have a social life. Buffy has to do good in school. Buffy needs a human boyfriend. Buffy has to forgive and forget when no one forgets anything I have done! Xander still brings up helping you after you came back! Willow still shoves normality down my throat when I am anything but. Heaven forbid I bring up any of their faults, but I sure as hell better allow them to remind me of mine. Willow tries to end the world with magic? Opps, forbidden topic, never to be brought up again. Xander's attracted to demonic women? Don't mention it, even though it's so damn hypocritical of him. I have reached my limit and I refuse to amend myself for them." I took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, and I've got my own demons to live with. I don't need bull from them. I can't handle it." I paused. "I don't know what to do anymore…" I buried my head in my hands and fell silent.
Nobody said anything for a few minutes. Nobody knew what to say, I guess. I heard soft footsteps on the carpeted floor. I didn't move, didn't speak, even when the couch dipped soft from added weight. A tentative arm went around my shoulder. I jumped slightly at the contact. The wall I had built around myself was slowly coming down. I could feel the weeks of pent up emotion tumbling over me. My hands started to shake first, then my shoulders. I don't know when I started to cry, but I did. Silent sobs that wracked my body in harsh fits.
Angel held me gently and whispered soothing nonsense into my ear. My chest hurt and my head pounded. Slowly, my voice grew ragged and quiet. I still shook, though raw and tired. I pushed away from Angel and walked across the room, staring at the wall as I went into my room and shut the door.
I had had enough for one night.
*
Hours later, my eyes flew opened and I stared at the ceiling. My blankets were tangled around my legs like mini nooses. My room was comfortingly dark and I could see a crack of light from under my door. I could hear Spike and Angel talking quietly in the living room. I sighed, willing my heart to calm down.
My head pounded dully as I looked at the clock. It was still way to early to be up, but I knew I would not be able to go back to sleep. Not tonight. My mind wandered to the two men just outside of my room. Part of me wanted to steal out of the window and never look back, cover my trail, and disappear into the darkness. I couldn't do that, though. My time of running was over, my reluctant as I was to admit it. It was time for me to stop hiding from the darkness within me and to fight it. To show it that it had not won over me. I am still strong, still in control. I also know that running scared would accomplish nothing, nothing that I need right now.
I lie back in my bed and sigh heavily. They can help me, as reluctant as I am to admit it. I need them. I need all of them, more than ever know.
More than anyone will ever know.