Aximili's Headache

How come you bother

With my heart at all?

You raise me up in grace

Then you put me in a place

Where I must fall.

From Leonard Cohen's "That Don't Make It Junk"

One second the force fields were there; the next they were gone. Tobias spread his wings and half-jumped, half-swooped forwards, partly out of hurry and partly to celebrate.

Marco hurried over to Jake to remove the cuffs from his wrists. It took him a moment or two to figure out how it was done, and during that time Rachel visibly grew more and more impatient. Finally the cuffs were gone, and Marco turned to Rachel to help her free. Jake wasted no time in striding over to Cassie, first cupping his hands over her cheeks and giving her a brave it's-okay smile, wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes with his thumbs.

"Fast morphs, everyone," he said, as he removed the cuffs from Cassie's wrists as well. He saw that Tobias – not having any drafts to soar on in the underground room – had already begun morphing the race horse he had acquired so long ago, and Rachel and Marco were turning into cheetahs. He himself focused on the race horse; it was the first fast, ground-based morph he could come up with.

Only when Jake glanced around, by habit, to make sure everyone was coming, did he notice that Ax was still sitting motionless by the pool.

Ax! he yelled, already half-morphed to horse and on his way to the exit, where Marco and Ax had come in. Ax, get up, and move!

Cassie turned eyes that were beginning to turn cheetah towards the exit. She looked at Jake, and then shook her head. Before he could object she was reversing the morph and heading back towards the Andalite. Jake swore mentally and stopped.

"Ax," Cassie called as she came to a careful stop out on the pier, only a step or so behind where Ax's tail lay, as if forgotten, sprawled behind him.

The silent Andalite didn't move. He might have been a statue, cut out in blue marble, if not for the gentle rise and fall of his lower stomach as he breathed. He might have been one of those statues that were sculptured lost in endless thought. He was sitting – or perhaps lying? – on his side, legs on one side and one arm holding his upper body up as he gazed out over the pool. His other arm hung down in front of him; down into the sludgy water.

Cassie, hurry and get him up, we need to go! Jake ordered, tossing his horse head urgently, unwilling to leave without the two. But Cassie hesitated to disturb Ax.

The last of the Yeerks in the pool were being carried out through a hole somewhere under the surface, to save them from the bomb about to go off. Ax's gaze was fixated on them.

After what seemed like all too long, Cassie finally stepped forwards and placed a hand on the aristh's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Ax, there's nothing more to do here."

Ax still didn't move.

In a moment of realising it was the only thing to do, Cassie pulled her foot back and kicked at the Andalite's side as hard as she could. She hurt her toes; but finally Ax looked up. She set her hands to her hips and glared down at him. "Get up, now! We're getting out of here, and you're coming with us, if I so have to drag you out. But that would slow us down and probably kill us all. Do you want that?!"

First, Ax only stared at her. Then…

No, he said in a flat voice. But at least it was a reaction, which was progress from his silence.

Fine, now move! Jake called, as he followed Tobias up the tunnel. The two seemed very slow compared to Rachel and Marco, who had just set off with all the cheetah's impressive acceleration.

Cassie gave the Andalite a last look back as she turned away. He was getting to his hooves, but very slowly. Assured that at least he was moving, she began her own morph to cheetah and was running even as her paws were forming. She saw Jake turn back an extra time to make sure they were coming, and gave a small nod – he sprinted on ahead. Cassie focused on powering her own morph forwards.

Only out of the corner of her eye did she see the Andalite hesitate, bend back down and one last time lower a hand to the Yeerk pool.

Later, she would dismiss it as her imagination.

But 'imagination' can come back to haunt you.

Issetha was with him.

Flying home from the Animorph Infestation Facility, surrounded by his friends, Aximili could do little but rejoice in that thought. Her familiar presence in the back of his mind was all he needed. He was glad that the other Animorphs were too drained with relief to attempt any conversation – he would not have been able to answer properly.

He had already resolved to keep the Yeerk's presence secret.

Why? That was a questioning he was not sure if he could or wanted to answer. Marco had not approved of Issetha, that much was clear, although his disapproval had turned into a form of reluctant acceptance towards the end. Rachel… who knew what Rachel thought? All Aximili could guess was that she did not mind him still on the team, still Yeerk-free, but if he was infested and thus switched sides she would not mind trying her strength against him, either. About having a Peace Movement Yeerk in the camp… she would consider it an unnecessary and foolish risk. Tobias would be uncomfortable with the entire matter, but he would trust Aximili's judgement and not comment further – but keep on his guard. Jake? Jake was only interested in keeping their location hidden, their numbers and strengths secret, and their team free and ready to fight. He would see Issetha as a security breech, and tell Aximili to be rid of the Yeerk. He had already demonstrated that all too well.

Lastly there was Cassie… strangely, it was Cassie's opinion on the matter that Aximili cared most for. She knew, to some extent, what sharing your head with a resistance Yeerk meant. She was – Aximili told himself – his only possible ally. But he was reluctant to tell even her.

Aximili would follow his Prince and the other Animorphs into a dark sun without even stopping to consider, but on this he was wary about whether or not to trust them.

He had in fresh memory the Animorphs' first reactions to his Yeerk, and did not wish to see them repeated. Besides, there was no need for them to know. There was no need for him to reveal that his time as a Controller – his treachery against everything he had ever fought for – had not ended in the Animorph Infestation Facility, as they all believed. As they murmured their condolences during the flight back to camp, he said nothing, revealed nothing. He would say nothing later, either.

Issetha was his business – his problem – his secret.

But as he landed in camp, oblivious to the storm of hearty greetings and tears of relief around him, he knew that this was not going to be as easy as it seemed.

Aximili left the feast early. The feast had been arranged to celebrate the successful rescue of the captured Animorphs, and although there was still strict rationing for what everyone was allowed to eat, the mood was not very festive, and there was more relieved crying than feasting, it still qualified as a feast.

Alone at last, Aximili moved towards the place he now – in lack of better – called his home. He stopped, wavering, only a few steps from it, wishing desperately for the impossible; for Issetha to be something else than Yeerk. This was one of those few times when he wished for someone nearby. Issetha was there, and for that he was grateful, but she was more of an abstract presence, like the thought-speech voice of someone far away. He needed someone he could see and touch; someone tangible.

You have more to thank Yeerk physiology for than it might seem, murmured Issetha from her usual place, touching the back of his mind with tender thoughts.

I know, replied Aximili, closing his main eyes. First… the voluntary lock. A Yeerk was needed to pass it. Then… taking down those force fields. And finally… he was silent for a moment before continuing, in a unsteady voice; Those cracks on your skin. Those from being in cold water. They distinguished you from the others.

There was more silence. The night wind made Aximili shiver.

You're welcome, said the Yeerk.

For what?

You wanted to thank me for coming back to you. I said "you're welcome". I… I thank you for leaving your hand in the water. I could smell it, and because of that I knew it was possible to swim back.

You're welcome, whispered Aximili. He opened his eyes, glancing around, before closing them again, only leaving his stalks to swivel.

Cassie is coming, warned Issetha, at the moment being more alert to the pictures from those stalks than he was. He opened his main eyes and lowered his tail, to seem less threatening. It was a friend who was approaching, after all.

"Are you okay, Ax?" asked the human Animorph.

Fine, said Aximili shortly.

"I know you probably miss Issetha. But, Ax, it'd never have worked. An Andalite can't carry a Yeerk, you know that. I mean, even if –"

I am fine, repeated the Andalite, his voice sharper than he had intended, and he felt Issetha's mental frown. But he did not want to pursue that specific thought at that time.

Cassie hesitated, but only for a moment. Then she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, and when he turned his face away from her to hide it she squeezed his shoulder slightly, comforting. "If you need to talk, Ax… you know where to find me."

I know that, Aximili replied, but spoke only to himself and his Yeerk. Still, I shall not bother you with… my problems. Issetha moved uncertainly in the back of his head.

Cassie, who heard no reply, finally turned to leave. Aximili felt nothing but relief at seeing her back turned – and that frightened him.

What frightened him even more was the realisation of how he would have to live if he was to keep Issetha secret – and alive. Cassie had awoken new thoughts, new realisations, and none of them were pleasant.

First of all, he could trust no-one. No-one; no not his Prince, not his friends, no his shorm… not even Cassie, who after all would be the closest thing to an ally he could have.

And trusting an Andalite with this secret would be the same as condemning himself to death for treason, and would bring limitless shame on his family.

Aximili closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. He was trembling. His tail was lowering itself slowly towards the ground in shame.

Issetha touched his mind; a wordless stream of comfort came from the Yeerk, and Aximili closed himself into his mind and held on to that comfort, held on to the presence of the Yeerk, as if his life depended on it.

He must have fallen asleep. And when he woke, he couldn't move. He tried to burst into motion and run, but he couldn't move. Panic welled –

Hush, Aximili, it was only a bad dream. Calm down.

– and died down. As his mind relaxed, control of his body seeped back. He sent a quiet stream of gratitude towards the Yeerk; the last time he had woken by a bad dream and immediately bolted – only a few steps, of course; only until he had noted where he was – he had strained a tendon badly in his back leg and been forced to morph the damage away, which made him wake completely. He had lost several hours of precious sleep.

There's no need to fear them, Aximili, said Issetha comfortingly. They can't hurt you here.

The arm of the Fleet is long, replied Aximili lowly, shaken to his hooves by the clear mental images the dream had conjured, the memory it had stirred. That was a threat. That was an insult. That was… a warning.

It was words. It was more than a month ago! No need to have bad dreams because of it. Especially not now.

Wrong! If ever, now is the time.

However… in our opinion, and given his record to date, it is also possible that Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill has confused his loyalties.

At the reawakened memory, Aximili shivered. It was not only the words, or the meaning, or even the way they had been uttered… it was the fact that the statement was all too true.

Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill has confused his loyalties.

His loyalties…

His…

He had sworn his allegiance to a human. He had broken that, once, recently, concerning Visser Two. And even more recently, and more gravely, concerning Issetha. But the Andalite Fleet would care little for his disloyalty against his human Prince, and see only that his loyalty had turned to the humans.

His bonds with Earth, with the humans, had grown stronger – the Fleet must have known it, ever since the failed assassination attempt of Visser then-Three. Estrid and Gonrod would have reported it.

No – Estrid would not. Perhaps she would even have come to his defence, if she had been given a chance. But Gonrod would have sung like a bird.

Aximili had even been foolish enough to attempt to speak against the Fleet, and for the Animorphs, and that was when those words had fallen – and hit home.

Since then, there was Issetha, who placed an impassable gap between him and his People. Issetha, who no Andalite must ever even hold suspicion of. Aximili, already shaken, felt sick with fear at the very thought. The punishment for treason was sever; both on the culprit and on his family. The punishment for this treason…

If this carries on, me saving you from a strained leg will have been useless – you still can't sleep, said Issetha with fake cheerfulness.

Aximili tried to ignore that. He was listening to another voice in his head; the voice of his military training – the voice of duty. It was urging him to prove his loyalty to the Fleet. There was a giddy, almost pathetically eager part of him that desperately needed to prove to his People that he still knew where his true loyalties had to lie, first, foremost, and forever.

He recognized the eager youngster that had gone through the Academy, several years earlier; the dutiful youngster desperate to prove himself. And now dutifulness had resettled upon him like an unquenchable thirst.

As Issetha stirred in his mind, uncomfortable with his thoughts, he at once rephrased them; she was – naturally – the exception concerning his 'true loyalties'. The exception – and the problem.

A second time he shivered, clenching his fists. Dutifulness was no longer a thirst. It was a cage.

There is only one thing to do, the Yeerk told him flatly.

What?

Contact them. It you don't, you'll prove their point, and make them suspicious.

Their suspicion is the last thing we need, Aximili muttered, now coming into the less-emotional, more calculating mood that would – he hoped – carry him through the dilemma. But I doubt they will be of any help to the resistance – or to Earth.

Maybe – maybe not. Issetha sighed. Maybe it would be for the best.

Why?

The Yeerk's voice was barely a whisper; a soft touch on the deep parts of his mind, that made him want to close his eyes and shiver again, now for a completely different reason. But her words made him grow tense.

If… if Earth is freed, leefachir, you would have to go home, sooner or later. You would return to a People who would condemn you if they caught as much as a whisper about you… being infested.

Aximili pawed the ground with a front hoof, scanning about for a log. He was tired – exhausted, even – but he would not be sleeping any more this night. His thoughts were blank – until he located a log, trotted over to it, and let his tail-blade strike the dry back. Then, as he lifted his tail to strike again, purposeful and cold-minded, he could think again.

Although his thoughts were very bitter.

Can I ever return? The Andalite Home World is no place for a Controller.

But you don't want Earth lost to the Yeerks, either, so you'll see Earth liberated… and then you must return.

For me, there seems only one way out of this, commented Aximili flatly. He straightened, squared his shoulders, planted all hooves firmly on the ground… and swept his tail around from a strike against the log to let the blade come to a quivering halt at his own throat.

Issetha made no attempt to remove it, but instead snapped briskly; Not a chance, Aximili, you're too proud to kill yourself while there's work to be done. You might however become a bit too… careless, and let the first enemy that comes along do the job for you, so I'm going to keep an eye on you. Heard me?

Aximili lowered his tail with a heavy sigh. You are beginning to know me all too well, Issetha. But you are correct. He danced a step forwards and struck deep into the log, then snapped his tail to the side to wrench the blade free and strike again.

Issetha was silent for a while, and finally asked; Then will you contact the Fleet?

Yes. Focus – aim – strike. For better or for worse, I will.

I am becoming all too good at this for my liking, declared Aximili.

Good at what? wondered a drowsy Issetha; she had been in that half-dozing state which for Yeerks served as sleep.

Sneaking out of camp – sneaking away from the Animorphs.

It seems necessary.

That does not mean I have to like it. Aximili raised his raccoon head and sniffed the cool night air with sudden suspicion. His searching eyes found a dove, perched on a branch above, watching him. At his gaze, it blinked once with curiosity, and lay its head on the side.

You're being paranoid, Issetha informed him.

With good reason. I know the Animorphs well – too well to underestimate them.

They wouldn't be out to harm you in any case.

Yet. But despite his statements, Aximili turned his back on the dove and continued into the woods.

At enough distance form camp – he hoped – Aximili stopped, and used his surprisingly nimble raccoon hands to activate the Z-space transponder. He waited, less and less patient, more and more nervous, while the tiny transponder sought contact with the Andalite Fleet.

The voice, when he first heard it, almost made him jump out of his skin. Aristh Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. We have been expecting you to call – although we were beginning to hold certain doubts.

As Aximili stayed silent, Issetha urged; Say something.

Who is this? her host asked softly.

This is an insecure connection, so do not ask any further questions. You will receive no reply. Understood?

Yes, whispered Aximili, feeling the training from the Academy resurface at the Andalite officer's haughty tone.

Good. I am War Prince Jaham-Estalan-Forlan. We are pleased to see that your loyalties are not as warped as we feared.

Aximili, in turn, was pleased that the War Prince could not see how he flinched, reminded of Issetha. She chose not to comment, and instead they both listened as the older Andalite continued; At the moment the War Council has little time to spare for matters concerning Earth. The high command is, however, considering the situation, since we know the importance of it. Your assistance would be invaluable.

Aximili's mind spun. This was unexpected. They were considering the Earth situation? And… they were asking his help?

Careful, advised Issetha privately. That 'asking' is terribly close to 'ordering'…

Of course, agreed the Andalite, in his mind. They are the high command. I am an aristh. I should not be questioning them, or second-guessing them, or wondering about their motives. They expect blind obedience.

But will they have it? the Yeerk wanted to know, and Aximili could not answer.

Are you still there, aristh? demanded Jaham suddenly.

Yes, War Prince, said Aximili.

Good. If you are willing to aid the Andalite Fleet, in the service of the People, you will contact us again within the nearest two Earth days. We shall arrange for a securer connection, and you will deliver a full report concerning Earth, humans, this human so-called resistance, and the advance of the Yeerks. Your father and mother send their greetings.

With that, Jaham-Estalan-Forlan gave Aximili a numeric code and a password, and cut the communication without waiting for a reply.

Aximili, deep in thought, did not protest as Issetha took hold of his limbs, lifted the Z-space transponder, and steered his body back towards camp.

Issetha? he mumbled finally.

Yes?

Can I do that? Can I be their… spy? I feel like I am switching sides.

From… against the Yeerks, to against the Yeerks? said the Yeerk dryly.

I allow a Yeerk in my head. But I will not be switching to for the Yeerks any time soon.

Don't be so sure… laughed Issetha, menacing.

Her host instantly grew very quiet.

I'm only joking, leefachir, the Yeerk assured him. Stop being so suspicious.

It's in my nature, grumbled Aximili – but no sooner had he said that than he realised that it was not exactly true; not any more. Even when he tried, he could not summon any true suspicion against the Yeerk. He let out a raw laugh, surprising himself to the point of growing instantly quiet again.

She sighed, like one might sigh over a child that would not stop playing. I know you're not going to be fighting side by side with any of my people. But helping the Andalites – at least this far – won't be betraying the Animorphs. They're more or less on the same side.

You don't like it, stated the Andalite softly, concerned.

Issetha shuddered, beaming reluctance. They expect blind obedience.

But will they get it?

That is your decision.


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Author's Note;

Finally, that picture from the "link" back in chapter nine. That is, here: http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?journal=stormfairy&itemid=16588

Aximili's contact with the Andalites is back in the game, as you probably noticed.

Next chapter will be a more or less rough summary of books 52-54. So far, I hate it so I might have to rewrite it, which will take time. Be patient, all readers.