Aximili's Headache
And why are you so quiet now
Standing there in the doorway?
You chose your journey long before
You came upon this highway.
From Leonard Cohen's "Winter Lady"
Editing Issetha out of his reports to the Andalite debriefing officers was the hardest thing Aximili had ever done. War Prince Jaham and the two Andalites who accompanied him were endless questions. It took Aximili several nights to answer them all, and he lost count of the number of times he almost let something slip, something he could impossibly have known if not for Issetha, something that might make the Andalites suspicious that he was hiding something. These were professionals; their entire line of work was built on luring out facts that were near-forgotten – or simply "forgotten" to mention.
Not naming the Yeerk directly was not difficult. Excluding her thoughts and observations from his own was harder.
Wherever his own thoughts paused or hesitated, she was there to offer a version he had not considered, a point of view he had overlooked, or a fact that countered his conclusions. She blended almost seamlessly into his thoughts.
She kept him under watch during his conversations with the Fleet. He was weary beyond coherent thought on the third night of questioning, having slept only a few hours during the previous half week. His answers to the debriefing officers' questions were semi-automatic – which they were probably counting on. He was too tired to consider what he was saying, or what he should keep secret…
…but some part of him did not care, for he knew that Issetha was there to make sure he kept the secrets he needed to keep. She made sure he did not let anything he should keep secret slip, replacing his prepared reply with a simple I do not know, War Prince Jaham.
The Andalite officers did not like it, and always pressed for more information, but by then Aximili was always wary of his words.
Having to be constantly careful, especially when he found some place where Issetha could feed or contacted the Andalites, he grew paranoid concerning his fellow Animorphs. Instead he relied more and more on War Prince Jaham, who at least was not there, on Earth, to keep an eye on him. But Jaham and the society he represented made Aximili feel cold down to the marrow of his bones. He could not trust the Fleet too closely, either.
The discovery of the Yeerk's plans to hoard people into the subway came right in the middle of Aximili's ongoing dilemma of keeping Issetha with the Kandrona nutrients she so desperately needed. The first Kandrona disk he had stolen was worn out, and the second was well on its way.
With the aid of Issetha herself, some long-overdue privacy, the used Kandrona disk, and a number of smaller, unwitting contributions from Cassie's parents, Aximili grappled the problem with an icy determination. He had not come this far to watch helplessly as his Yeerk starved.
He was remembering Visser One's twin, Esplin-9466 the lesser, and his rather unusual method of acquiring Kandrona. Aximili had no intentions of eating Yeerks himself – both he and Issetha felt queasy at the mere idea – but the method had made him realise that there might be ways to supply Issetha with Kandrona without risking discovery by letting her swim every third day.
Going directly from trying to keep one Yeerk alive to discussing with the Animorphs (or Andalites) how to destroy them all was very strange. Aximili participated in his friends' discussions, their moral lectures, of bombs and nuclear bombs and of harming the Yeerks in a way they could not easily recover from.
Issetha, in the back of his head, was silent but concerned. She did nothing – not even concerning the plans on blowing up the Pool, her once-home. She would not – could not – interfere with the plans of the Animorphs. It would have been out of character for Aximili to do so – there would have been suspicions. And Issetha knew that the Animorphs were unlikely to be sidetracked from their goal only because of her opinion – even if Aximili supported it, which in this case he did not.
The Yeerk still said nothing when she and her host heard about the Andalite high command's plans to quarantine and blow up the entire planet, including Yeerks, humans, Aximili, and Issetha herself.
But Aximili's thoughts concerning it stirred her will to speak.
For the Andalite aristh was strangely relieved. In some horrid way, he was relieved. He saw it as a way out. He was trapped in a net of betrayal, turning both on the Animorphs and on his People, and the idea of being annihilated in the cause of a final stop to the Yeerk conquest appealed to him. He would die, remembered by the Andalites as a hero, and by the humans… by the humans not at all, since they would be sacrificed just as he to stop the Yeerks. No-one would know of Issetha, and his treachery. He would never have to face a return to the Home World, never have to worry about his secret being relieved.
It was almost too perfect.
Perfect, echoed Issetha, scolding him fiercely. A perfect way out for a coward, perhaps. Doom Earth, doom humanity, because of your selfish fears, because you don't want to return home? What about me? Do you think I want to die, too, just because you like the idea?
Aximili gave no reply. He did not need to.
No, Aximili, continued the Yeerk. No. You're too proud to give in to your fears, so if you decide to stop the attack on the pool, it's because you believe that the Andalites' method of stopping the Yeerk conquest will work.
Why wouldn't it? asked Aximili, feeling a sudden urge to defend his People.
Did it work for the Hork-Bajir? challenged the Yeerk. When her host grew quiet, she paused for a moment, and then said in a softer voice; And what about Elfangor, Aximili? He believed in the humans – he believed they should have a chance to survive. He broke the laws of your People in order to help them.
I know, murmured the Andalite, as new thoughts began circling his already chaotic mind.
It was, actually, a simply choice; follow his Prince, or follow the Fleet. The very presence of his Yeerk kept him from wishing to return home, which meant that Earth either had to fall, or be destroyed. Those were the options from Yeerk or Andalite victory. But as his own Yeerk so vividly had expressed, he was not capable of allowing himself to submit to cowardice, to "save" himself from shame and humiliation at the cost of Earth and humanity.
So in the end, he found himself standing with his friends near a train loaded with explosives, and they were preparing to blow up the Yeerk pool. He was perfectly certain of what he must do, but his hearts were wary of what might come of it; Earth freed, which meant his return home.
Issetha, in her turn, was devastated. The recent battle had, as usual, made her feel terrible, and the mission ahead was not exactly delighting her. This made it difficult for Aximili to focus on what Marco, who was speaking, was saying. What Tobias added. He did, however, sharpen his ears in order to hear when his Prince spoke: "…don't have time to argue. You win. But who is going? Remember, whoever goes probably doesn't come back."
Aximili's hearts jolted at that – a new flash of a possible end, a hero's end – appearing. He had already made up his mind to volunteer, to be sent to the pool, when Issetha startled him by speaking; Yes, Aximili. We have to go.
Why? he wondered, as he took a step forwards.
Because someone needs to warn the Peace Movement, and preferably earlier than the general warning… it'll be chaos down there. And… we should warn Othil first. We owe him that.
Aximili's mind agreed. I will go, he said boldly to the Animorphs.
His Prince's gaze was not surprised, but searching. "Why?"
Why? thought Aximili. For a chance to die bravely, and not let any Andalite know I'm a… Controller, or any Animorph know I've been speaking to the high command. For the sake of not having to return home, not having to face my high command, my People, my parents.
For Issetha… because she asks it of me.
For reasons I cannot discuss, Aximili told his Prince.
Jake gave him a last look, a knowing look, and Aximili had a sudden fear that he knew more than he seemed to. He forced his face blank, and was relieved when his Prince nodded agreement.
Jake might have guessed that Aximili wished to go for some matter concerning Issetha. He could not have guessed the true reason, the Andalite convinced himself, but in any case Aximili was grateful. An Andalite Prince would have sent him nowhere on such sentimentality – except in this case, where he would have been sent directly to his own execution.
Stealing a Pool ship? was Issetha's first reaction to the plan, and the reaction of most of the others. But unlike the others – except possibly for Eva, Marco's mother – Issetha knew something about the idea.
As what she knew was made available to Aximili, he felt a frown spreading across his face. There was only one obvious advantage with the idea.
It is not the approach Visser One would expect, he said, careful not to use the name – Esplin 9466 – instead of the title. Issetha thought of her "uncle" by his name. It was very hard for Aximili not to do the same… but he steeled his mind against it and went on to describe the Pool ship's encrypted systems.
He had barely finished before the debate started. He kept silent, one stalk watching his Prince in order to – as usual – follow his lead, while one stalk scanned for dangers and his main eyes tried to focus on whomever was speaking. Hard when five people were speaking at once.
"Okay," Jake said finally, raising his hands in a silencing gesture. "That's enough, folks, thanks for coming."
At being dismissed, Rachel's mom complained. Rachel said something Aximili did not really pay attention to.
"I need Rachel, Marco, Tobias, Ax, Toby, James, and Eva," continued Jake.
Not Cassie? frowned Issetha, and for a moment Aximili was disoriented as his Yeerk began going through some of his memories concerning Cassie and Jake, in the manner of someone flipping through the pages of an old book, afraid it might fall apart.
Not that Aximili's memory would fall apart. But he might rebel, complain, and Issetha did not want that.
And as expected, Aximili swatted at her to make her stop.
Sorry, she said.
They're my memories. Leave them alone.
Sorry, repeated the Yeerk lowly, pulled back into her own corner, insecure.
Aximili's mind stirred at her tone. If there is anything you want to know, he told her, simply ask me for it.
The Yeerk agreed. Aximili let his attention return to the outside world. Keeping his focus there was becoming harder and harder, and Aximili knew that was not good. And by then, the meeting was more or less over. Aximili only caught Jake's last statement; "The diversion won't be to cover us getting on. It'll be to cover the fact that we're already there."
Not long after, Jake was told the other Animorphs that the Taxxons wished to defect. Unfortunately this was due to a frail hope of acquiring the morphing power. From the Andalites. Aximili's hearts dropped almost to his hooves.
My people will never agree, he declared at once, thinking that he might as well get that out into the open as soon as possible. The morphing technology is the crown jewel of Andalite science. They are already furious that it has spread as far as the five of you and Visser One. They do not know that Tobias's mother is morph-capable. They do not know about the auxiliary Animorphs. They do not know that the Yeerks have a cube. They will absolutely refuse.
"Even if it means stopping a war, saving a planet, and disarming their greatest enemy?" Cassie said lowly. "Are they that stubborn? That stupid?"
The insult to his People made Aximili's eyes flash with anger. Only Issetha kept his tail from flashing up – and forwards. What they will say is that it is a trick: that the Yeerks are using the Taxxons to acquire more morphing power and become even more formidable foes.
"They've said they'll go nothlit under our supervision," said Jake. "Permanent morph."
"The Andalite high command is not going to trust us that far," Marco pointed out grimly, glancing at Aximili.
"The Andalite high command can drop dead," Rachel growled.
She kept speaking, but Aximili was listening to Issetha's voice, in his head; Now there's an interesting idea…
Issetha! protested the Andalite.
Oh, like they'd ever be anything but trouble for us.
I'm a… a Controller, whispered Aximili. You are a Yeerk. They are meant to be trouble for us.
Before Issetha could reply, they both heard Cassie saying; "Ax, you need to tell them."
Aximili flinched as if he had been struck, his stalks spinning towards Cassie. She knew? But how? How could she know?
He'd been careful. He'd been ever so careful. He'd –
No, said Issetha. Not that. They were discussing the high command. She's figured out you've been talking to the high command.
Aximili was only relieved. Not that it showed on his face.
"It's time to chose, Ax," continued Cassie. "Once and for all. We know what Alloran did to the Hork-Bajir world, trying to keep them from falling into Yeerk hands. The Andalites won't allow Earth to fall to the Yeerks, will they?"
Chose? The word circled his mind for some time. There was much to chose. The Andalite side, or the Animorph side? Concerning that there was no trouble. But concerning other things… concerning his Yeerk. There were choices to be made there, too.
But finally, Aximili sighed, and said; I have at times contacted the Andalite Fleet without telling anyone.
The result was as angry as Aximili had expected it to be. Cassie, though, came to his defence. She also knew that he had defied the high command.
You spied on me? Aximili wondered, a chill racing along his tail, and Issetha unnaturally silent in his head. What more had Cassie seen?
"I'm an Animorph, Ax," Cassie said, giving him a very strange – knowing and sad – look. "A flea on your back when you sneak out of camp."
And even though the conversation continued, and Aximili partook, it was hard to think of anything other than that flea on his back when he snuck out of camp.
In fact, as they left the meeting, he asked in private thought-speech; What else do you know?
"Enough, Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill," whispered Cassie without looking at him, as she passed him. "I know enough."
The Andalite grew used to Issetha's passive existence in the back of his head. She had not commented the battles they went through, the destruction of the pool, the plan to steal the Pool ship. She kept such events at a distance – tried to ignore them.
But there was one thing she could not ignore, despite everything.
The Pool in the Pool ship, and the flush sequence. The Yeerk had waited in the back of Aximili's head throughout the battle, barely connected to her host, but the mention of the Pool's control booth caught her attention. For a moment she heard nothing but silence, but what Aximili said after that made her spread out over his brain again, ready to seize control: There is a flush sequence. I have to override the safety protocols. It can be done.
Aximili, what are you doing? asked Issetha timidly from the back of his mind.
Not now, replied Aximili privately, and went on with his work. He heard his Prince's confirmation, all the while being aware that Issetha was already reading his thoughts, looking through his eyes, and slowly understanding.
Aximili, no, came the Yeerk's horrified thought, barely more than a stir of thought.
Just as he cracked through security, ready to give the final command, Aximili's fingers were lifted from the control boards, drawn into loose fists.
Let go of my hands, he ordered quietly.
No, repeated the Yeerk in a whisper. No, Aximili, you can't, you just can't –
I will do as my Prince commands, Aximili told her flatly, trying to put some distance between himself and the part of him that sympathized – all too strongly – with Issetha.
The Yeerk kept hold of his fingers. No, she croaked. Tell him. Tell him about…
She did not need to continue; Aximili understood. The Pool is full to capacity, he told his human Prince lowly. These are the Yeerks that were rescued from the earth-based Yeerk pool. Plus the bulk of the unhosted Yeerks recently transported here.
Some reason you're telling me all this, Ax-man?
At the human's not-understanding tone, Issetha took hold of her host's voice as well, and said; Jake, there are seventeen thousand, three hundred seventy-two Yeerks in this pool.
A moment of silence passed. Andalite and Yeerk kept all four eyes available to them fixated on the thinking tiger. And then… Flush them.
Aximili could not move his fingers. His stalks still on his Prince, he turned his face back towards the controls in front of him and fought for control over his hands. He could not, either, block out the protesting cries of the Yeerk in his head
Ax? Jake wondered sharply.
Aximili suddenly felt a strong gorilla hand gripping his tail, another hand shoving him a step aside and then moving towards the screen. The order was given before Aximili – his tail held back – could react.
Issetha let out a wail, so loud it made the Andalite close his eyes and bring his hands – that he could control again – up to grab at the sides of his head. As the wail died away it left behind a blazing headache. But although Issetha kept crying, weeping, Aximili did not have the hearts to tell her to be silent.
The Yeerks rescued from the earth-based Pool, Marco grated at Jake, letting go of Aximili's tail and taking a step back – keeping a careful eye on the Andalite. That's where Issetha would have been. And you ask him?
The two human Animorphs stared at each other for a moment. Then Jake turned to look at Aximili – at Aximili's forehead. Oh, he said, something almost ashamed in his voice. I'm sorry, Ax-man.
Aximili nodded, only once. He knew that he was very pale. He stumbled after his friends, following them to the bridge, but for a while he knew nothing except the distracting sobbing of his Yeerk.
In fact, things remained more or less at a haze through the journey to the bridge, and some of the time spent there. With the Yeerk being so distracting, Aximili did not return to proper, coherent thought until he heard Jake's private command in his head; Ax, knock out the Visser.
Aximili did. The movement of his tail woke Issetha from her grief. They both began taking in more clearly what was going on around them, and not long after they watched with some degree of fascination as the Visser crawled, as bid, out of his unconscious Andalite host's ear.
I wonder if that will be my fate, Issetha whispered privately.
Aximili blinked, frowning, but then let it pass, not wanting to consider it. He had enough to worry about. Instead… I could easily cut him in half, he said to Marco.
Yeah, well, better not, I guess, said Marco, and Aximili felt Issetha's unspoken agreement.
With the Visser safely kept in the briefcase Marco had found, Aximili dialled up the Andalites.
What do you want, Yeerk? demanded the Andalite who appeared on the screen.
We are not Yeerks, Aximili replied, silently pondering the irony; the statement was not even a lie. They were not Yeerks. Only Issetha was a Yeerk. I am aristh Aximili Esgarrouth-Isthill, the brother of Prince Elfangor…
And so it went on. It took a while to convince the Andalite officers. It took even longer to transport the crippled Pool ship to the point in space the Andalites had chosen. The bridge was a silent place during that trip. Aximili had an excellent opportunity to be lost in his own thoughts again – and so he did.
There was no way out for him now. Humanity had won – he would be returned to the Andalites. It was not a thought he relished.
You look troubled, young Aximili, said Alloran in sudden, private thought-speech, making the aristh flinch in surprise. Afraid. The war is over – and from what I have seen, you were never one to fear battle. What have you to be afraid of now?
Aximili watched the War Prince for a moment, but not for long. What harm could it do to reply?
The judgement of the People and the Fleet, he whispered, turning away again. It was strange talking to the one who had been his enemy for so long. The voice, now heavy with bitter weariness from his long imprisonment, was the same that had ordered Aximili's death countless times, insulted him, threatened him, taunted him and – at the slightest opportunity – tormented him.
I see, murmured the older Andalite, nodding knowingly. Not a trouble to be lightly thrown aside. But you are young, and surely already a hero. The People will forgive you for siding with the humans. The People will probably forgive all your previous errors – and then, so must the Fleet. Your errors are not as great as mine.
What if… began Aximili lowly, not certain whether or not to continue. But then, more boldly; What if one error was not in the past? What if it was… ongoing?
Alloran's quizzical main eyes regarded him for a moment, before turning to stare off in the distance. Can you stop it?
I do not know… if I even want to.
And the People – the Fleet – would disapprove?
Disapprove? Understatement of the year, commented Issetha privately.
They probably would, her host carefully told the older Andalite.
Then, young Prince Aximili, said Alloran slowly in a heavy voice, you must ask yourself one question; what is the worst they can do, and do I fear it?
Aximili blinked. Is that your advice?
My advice… chortled the grizzled old War Prince. My advice is not to listen to me. But if for some reason you do, my advice is to… not always think so tactically. Use less ruthlessness – especially if ruthlessness leads you down paths bearing Quantum viruses. Keep away from them, or they shall haunt you for the rest of your life.
Speaking from experience? asked Aximili, with Issetha snickering joylessly in the back of his head.
Unfortunately, yes, sighed Alloran. You might have been told that knowledge is a light burden. It is. Experience, on the other hand, is not.
Once at the rendez-vous point, Aximili was sent down to greet the Andalite officers. Issetha was half-dozing in the back of his head, in that state that served as sleep for Yeerks, so Aximili felt very alone as he trotted through the empty corridors, heading for the space dock, by the docking stations. Alone with his thoughts, and his nervously twitching stalks, and his hands that he had to keep clenched into fists to keep them from shaking.
The Andalites were there. The Yeerks were defeated. There was no way out now. He would, sooner or later, have to go home, and… and how could he do that, with Issetha?
Leave her behind? He paused his trotting, probing inside his head for the Yeerk's assuring but drowsy presence, feeling a sudden, sharp sting of loneliness as he imagined not having Issetha's company. Leave her behind? It had always been a possibility, right from the start; the arrangement of being infested had been seen as temporary. There would have been some way to find another place for Issetha, whether hostless or with a host. He had never meant to keep her. But now… leave her behind?
No. Not as long as he had a choice.
Choice. That awful word again. He continued trotting, hooves clopping rhythmically against the steel floor beneath him, but then he broke into an impatient, nervous canter. He was heading towards Andalites. Best to take the bull by the horns, as they said on Earth. Best to face the risks head-on. Best to face his People. He would face the Andalites, proudly, whatever came of it.
The Andalites – the People – the Fleet. They would not like it, they would not like him being infested. They did not know, but if they found out… they… they would –
What is the worst they can do, and do I fear it?
He came to a halt, startled by the memory of Alloran's words. And then the answer came to him accompanied by a shudder. Oh, yes. I fear it. But that was not all, he realised, for there was one more question… Do I fear it enough?
This time Aximili did not even need to consider. He thought of the slumbering Yeerk, his expression first unreadable, but then growing more and more determined. He continued ahead, again at a trot.
No.
With new determination, the young Andalite straightened up proudly, keeping himself under close check to make sure he was not trembling, woke up his Yeerk, and entered the space dock to meet the Andalites.
Concerning Issetha, there were choices to be made.
But perhaps he had already made them.
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Author's Note;
Not one of the better chapters. As you probably noticed, most of the not-between-Issetha-and-Aximili-nor-about-Issetha dialogue in here is from the Books. Thus, it's not mine, and formally disclaimed.
*rubs hands* Moreover, now we reach the fun part. Recipe; take one Andalite Controller. Add a trip to the Andalite Home World. Very amusing scenario. For everyone except the Controller, that is.
*goes to practice evil cackle*